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Ask Angry Auntie
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Do you have a personal problem you’d like to hear some totally unbiased and unsympathetic advice on?
Do you have swinging related concerns which you’d like putting into perspective by someone who not only thinks you are a twat but will tell you so?
Ask Angry Auntie… if you can fucking manage to string a sentence together and type more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ that is.
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"What colour shoes should I wear with my purple tights? I'm wearing light tan shoes at the moment but am liking the idea of spearmint. "
I spent years training for this and you want to ask me about what colour shoes.... 
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A contrasting orange might look nice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Okay Auntie, a serious swinging question now.
I would like to get my hair cut short, currently its a jaw length bob.
My question is do I or don't I? I don't fancy them hanging onto my ears when doing doggie.
Your's Uncut from Fife. |
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"Okay Auntie, a serious swinging question now.
I would like to get my hair cut short, currently its a jaw length bob.
My question is do I or don't I? I don't fancy them hanging onto my ears when doing doggie.
Your's Uncut from Fife. "
You should follow your desires and try something new.... Take a photo of Bobby Charlton to the hairdressers. That will give you the best of both worlds. A short hair style with a bit to hold on to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How can I make my jizz taste of pineapple chunks?
Fuck a pineapple."
haha someone told me once that if you drank lots of pineapple juice it makes your cum taste sweet, is that true? |
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"How can I make my jizz taste of pineapple chunks?
Fuck a pineapple.
haha someone told me once that if you drank lots of pineapple juice it makes your cum taste sweet, is that true? "
Yes. It is also why boxing day is the best day to give head. |
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"How can I make my jizz taste of pineapple chunks?
Fuck a pineapple.
haha someone told me once that if you drank lots of pineapple juice it makes your cum taste sweet, is that true?
Yes. It is also why boxing day is the best day to give head."
What kind of person eats pineapple on Christmas Day ? |
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"
AA apparently i do disgustingly kinky things,and i dont care...what do i do ? 
Suffer from blackouts by the sound of it… if you have to ask what you did.
"
Ahhh,that explains the llama in the kitchen and the naked woman paintng the ceiling |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear auntie although I've always been happy with my height restriction just lately some of the bigger forumities have been picking on me and saying I'm shorter than five foot three
This rumour was instigated on Facebook by my ex wife (daughters mum) who is shall we say a friend of a friend (my wonderful ten year old got her mum ta measure me)
What can I do about these vile vicious rumours that I am only five foot one?
Worried of Crewe xx |
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"Dear auntie although I've always been happy with my height restriction just lately some of the bigger forumities have been picking on me and saying I'm shorter than five foot three
This rumour was instigated on Facebook by my ex wife (daughters mum) who is shall we say a friend of a friend (my wonderful ten year old got her mum ta measure me)
What can I do about these vile vicious rumours that I am only five foot one?
Worried of Crewe xx "
Wear Cuban heels and take a photo of yourself standing next to the Sky remote. |
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"how do I make up for making a comment on someones shoes...I think I offended her greatly...and just wish I could take the comment back"
Stop overrating the importance you think people give to anything you have to say.
And go to fucking SpecSavers! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"how do I make up for making a comment on someones shoes...I think I offended her greatly...and just wish I could take the comment back
Stop overrating the importance you think people give to anything you have to say.
And go to fucking SpecSavers!"
yeah she replied....still angry tho....hopefully having a I hate paddy wank |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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dear aunty
Im currently a partner in a well known national business merger that isnt too popular at the mo due to the number of redundancies and enforced wage cuts and reduced pensions as well as openly mocking the poor and weak from my upper class priviliged pedestal and most of the country thinks im a useless cunt. My question is whats the best way to remove caviar from a dinner jacket?
Yours
D.C. |
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"dear aunty
Im currently a partner in a well known national business merger that isnt too popular at the mo due to the number of redundancies and enforced wage cuts and reduced pensions as well as openly mocking the poor and weak from my upper class priviliged pedestal and most of the country thinks im a useless cunt. My question is whats the best way to remove caviar from a dinner jacket?
Yours
D.C."
Do I look like I work in a fucking dry cleaners! |
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"Dear aunty
would walking like a constipated penguin put people off shagging me. ?
Im hoping the problem is a short term thing "
Not at all.... it will likely remind many guys of the first time they caught a gal by surprize and jizzed in her mouth.... when. she tried to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible before realising her knickers were still around her ankles |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear aunty
would walking like a constipated penguin put people off shagging me. ?
Im hoping the problem is a short term thing
Not at all.... it will likely remind many guys of the first time they caught a gal by surprize and jizzed in her mouth.... when. she tried to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible before realising her knickers were still around her ankles"
Phhewwwww  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"dear aunty
Im currently a partner in a well known national business merger that isnt too popular at the mo due to the number of redundancies and enforced wage cuts and reduced pensions as well as openly mocking the poor and weak from my upper class priviliged pedestal and most of the country thinks im a useless cunt. My question is whats the best way to remove caviar from a dinner jacket?
Yours
D.C.
Do I look like I work in a fucking dry cleaners!"
Me and my business associates appreciate the feedback and your concern. Your comment has been taken on board and my colleagues are hoping to build an effective policy on stain obliteration. Or we're just going to send in NATO to "help" remove the problem - but we promise it is just in an advisory capacity. Unless it refuses to be removed in which case we're just bombing the shit out it.
Now get back to work you pleb.
Yours,
D.C. |
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By *eaboMan
over a year ago
marden |
dear auntie. i was in the shower yesterday when i noticed a rather large growth at the base of my penis. This growth is the wierdest shape ever. It is about 5 foot 8 inches long, with a large hairy ball at one end and at the other end are two strange sticky out things which end in foul cheesy smelling lumps each with 5 small growths on it. I'm sure it wasn't there last week, should i seek medical advice as it keeps stealing all my blood, making me go floppy and fall over. concerned of sevenoaks. |
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"dear auntie. i was in the shower yesterday when i noticed a rather large growth at the base of my penis. This growth is the wierdest shape ever. It is about 5 foot 8 inches long, with a large hairy ball at one end and at the other end are two strange sticky out things which end in foul cheesy smelling lumps each with 5 small growths on it. I'm sure it wasn't there last week, should i seek medical advice as it keeps stealing all my blood, making me go floppy and fall over. concerned of sevenoaks."
Sounds like a skin tag.... tie some string around it as tight as you can... give it a day or two and it will drop off. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"dear auntie. i was in the shower yesterday when i noticed a rather large growth at the base of my penis. This growth is the wierdest shape ever. It is about 5 foot 8 inches long, with a large hairy ball at one end and at the other end are two strange sticky out things which end in foul cheesy smelling lumps each with 5 small growths on it. I'm sure it wasn't there last week, should i seek medical advice as it keeps stealing all my blood, making me go floppy and fall over. concerned of sevenoaks."
Haa haa haa haa! |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Dear aunty
would walking like a constipated penguin put people off shagging me. ?
Im hoping the problem is a short term thing
Not at all.... it will likely remind many guys of the first time they caught a gal by surprize and jizzed in her mouth.... when. she tried to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible before realising her knickers were still around her ankles"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Aunty Polo
In the current austere times I've had to look for alternative lube. Currently I'm using wasabi sometimes diluted with either oil or water based lube.
Do you think jalapenos or scotch bonnet peppers would make a cheaper alternative? |
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By *rummpsMan
over a year ago
thanet |
Dear Auntie.
Two weeks ago I had intimate relations with a young lady. She said she didn't want to get pregnant and asked me to wear a condom.
What I want to know is when would it be safe to take it off?
Worried of Whickham. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie.
Two weeks ago I had intimate relations with a young lady. She said she didn't want to get pregnant and asked me to wear a condom.
What I want to know is when would it be safe to take it off?
Worried of Whickham."
Lol lol lol lol |
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"Dear Aunty Polo
In the current austere times I've had to look for alternative lube. Currently I'm using wasabi sometimes diluted with either oil or water based lube.
Do you think jalapenos or scotch bonnet peppers would make a cheaper alternative? "
Exotic condiments can be pricey too. Try a tube of Deep Heat or Ralgex... I bet SuperDrug do their own brand.
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"Dear Auntie.
Two weeks ago I had intimate relations with a young lady. She said she didn't want to get pregnant and asked me to wear a condom.
What I want to know is when would it be safe to take it off?
Worried of Whickham."
I recon 9 months.... just to be on the safe side. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think its lovely you offer help to one and all xx i was a sam for years maybe you should think about it ... some people here would make very good samaritans thay are always looking for new volunteers ..... and lots on here would make good ones . |
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Dear Angry, could you please tell me the measurements of a bucket fanny. I see guys with vwe on their profile and would like to know if i qualify to put bucket fanny on mine to accomodate the vwe guys.
Concerned of rutland |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear AA,
I don't have a clue what people are talking about in chat rooms but want to have a conversation.
How can I slow the speed of the chat room texting and how the hell do I know who is talking to who?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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just came back from doing good deeds (visiting family )...so why the fuck have I not come home to any shag me now mails???-Is'nt that idea of doing good deeds...to get ur end away afterwards???? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear aunty, I abhor anything to do with the Samaritans. Fucking do gooders. Having said that, I wouldn't mind giving Jo, off of gameforit a good seeing to. Is this wrong? |
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"Dear Angry, could you please tell me the measurements of a bucket fanny. I see guys with vwe on their profile and would like to know if i qualify to put bucket fanny on mine to accomodate the vwe guys.
Concerned of rutland"
There is no official measurement but as a guide nip to Tesco and buy 3 bunches of flowers.... £3 bunch of tulips, £5 bunch of chrysanthemums and a £10 mixed bouquet. Adopt the position you have in your avatar and part the ankles approx 20-24 inches.
Wait a minute.... now I know what they meant on 'Keeping Up Appearances' .... when they said "it's the Bucket woman" and she replied "It's Bouquet" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"lmao @ Polo being a samaritan. yes i have a feeling she would make a really good one as you come across alsorts .. its test you out , lol"
I cum across all sorts Jo. Doesn't mean I could talk somebody out of jumping off a bridge |
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"Dear AA,
I don't have a clue what people are talking about in chat rooms but want to have a conversation.
How can I slow the speed of the chat room texting and how the hell do I know who is talking to who?
"
Just accept they are all ignoring you.
If you want attantion... drop your pants, turn around, put a bra on your bum and rest your buttocks on a desk/table. Zoom in with the cam and I assure you 20 guys will start talking to you.
Pop a red Jelly Tot down each bra cup and you can make that 30 guys. |
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"just came back from doing good deeds (visiting family )...so why the fuck have I not come home to any shag me now mails???-Is'nt that idea of doing good deeds...to get ur end away afterwards????"
I am sure your family will be in touch later to repay you. |
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"Dear aunty, I abhor anything to do with the Samaritans. Fucking do gooders. Having said that, I wouldn't mind giving Jo, off of gameforit a good seeing to. Is this wrong?"
No. Not even if she is the one on the bridge.... but you might get a few people watching. |
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"What colour shoes should I wear with my purple tights? I'm wearing light tan shoes at the moment but am liking the idea of spearmint. "
Spearmint? I thought that was chewing gum. I must be getting old |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"lmao @ Polo being a samaritan. yes i have a feeling she would make a really good one as you come across alsorts .. its test you out , lol
I cum across all sorts Jo. Doesn't mean I could talk somebody out of jumping off a bridge "
well i just had to deal with them coming into the office and its just lisening as thay know the answers really ..... just need to here it coming out of there mouths , |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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still think alot here would make good ones as open minds you have to have that , lol xx polo would be made up to head of office in 3 months , lolol xx i am sure |
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"still think alot here would make good ones as open minds you have to have that , lol xx polo would be made up to head of office in 3 months , lolol xx i am sure"
I would certainly up the stats on call turnaround. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"still think alot here would make good ones as open minds you have to have that , lol xx polo would be made up to head of office in 3 months , lolol xx i am sure
I would certainly up the stats on call turnaround."
well there very little wrighting thay come in or its phone .. yes i think thay would be on the phone all night to you xx lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"still think alot here would make good ones as open minds you have to have that , lol xx polo would be made up to head of office in 3 months , lolol xx i am sure
I would certainly up the stats on call turnaround.well there very little wrighting thay come in or its phone .. yes i think thay would be on the phone all night to you xx lol "
I doubt it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Aunty, I tend to get bored shitless whilst receiving oral from a certain someone (mentions no names). Could you suggest anything to take my mind off the excruciating boredom? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty, I tend to get bored shitless whilst giving a woman oral. Could you suggest anything to take my mind off the boredom?
Hubba Bubba gum... but not if she has pubes."
*checks*
Hubba Bubba should be ok I guess  |
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"Dear Aunty, I tend to get bored shitless whilst receiving oral from a certain someone (mentions no names). Could you suggest anything to take my mind off the excruciating boredom? "
Play naughts and crosses on the top if his head. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear AA, I think I am sick because looking at all the misfortune of others on here makes me smile, in fact heck I admit it, it makes me giggle- look
How can I get better please?
Better?
You ARE right!
Perfection is hard but someone has to do it!
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oh… remember to use a dry wipe marker… they get pissed off if you use a sharpie permanent..... apparently."
Oooppsss!!! I'll tell him he came second (for a change... consolation, I guess) I'm way too good at naughts n crosses... he'll have a reminder of that fact for at least a week  |
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""The original polo" has got to be the funniest person on fab,so funny "
*dons a Joe Pesci voice*
What do you mean I'm funny?
What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Funny how? What's funny about it?
Funny how?
You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
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"dear auntie.
i've just had a wee look at your profile,(not the writing bit).
have rowntree ever offerred you a sponsorship deal.
signed
nosey bastard glasgow.  "
You looked at my profile and had a wee? What the fuck!
Freak! |
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"Oh… remember to use a dry wipe marker… they get pissed off if you use a sharpie permanent..... apparently.
Oooppsss!!! I'll tell him he came second (for a change... consolation, I guess) I'm way too good at naughts n crosses... he'll have a reminder of that fact for at least a week "
Well if you have already done the lines with a sharpie, you could always add a few more and make it sudoku |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"dear auntie.
i've just had a wee look at your profile,(not the writing bit).
have rowntree ever offerred you a sponsorship deal.
signed
nosey bastard glasgow.
You looked at my profile and had a wee? What the fuck!
Freak!"
Na not freak, just KINKY |
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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago
glasgow |
"dear auntie.
i've just had a wee look at your profile,(not the writing bit).
have rowntree ever offerred you a sponsorship deal.
signed
nosey bastard glasgow.
You looked at my profile and had a wee? What the fuck!
Freak!"
praise indeed,thank you auntie. |
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"with halloween and the sheffield social cuming up which costume should i choose? Moulin rouge burlesque girl or elvira, mistress of the dark?"
Bin liner.
Dress up and the women will just call you a bitch behind your back when they gather in the bogs.... and the guys don't care as long as they can tell you have tits. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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dear AA
The other week i had an unfortunate accident and slipped and ended up in a+e with a heavily lubed bottle of Sure Anti-perspirant For Women inexplicably wedged deep in my rectum. Unfortunately upon arrival (on a stretcher arse up with my pants round my ankles) i discovered a very good friend mine had started working there as a security guard! Now i face daily ridicule amongst my peers on a daily basis.
Bearing this in mind what advice can you give me on how i can decide whether or not i like marmite? I just cant make my mind up!
Yours
I Was Never Confused |
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"dear AA
The other week i had an unfortunate accident and slipped and ended up in a+e with a heavily lubed bottle of Sure Anti-perspirant For Women inexplicably wedged deep in my rectum. Unfortunately upon arrival (on a stretcher arse up with my pants round my ankles) i discovered a very good friend mine had started working there as a security guard! Now i face daily ridicule amongst my peers on a daily basis.
Bearing this in mind what advice can you give me on how i can decide whether or not i like marmite? I just cant make my mind up!
Yours
I Was Never Confused"
There's only one way to tell... stick it up your arse.
I suggest you watch 'one man one jar' first. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Okay Auntie, a serious swinging question now.
I would like to get my hair cut short, currently its a jaw length bob.
My question is do I or don't I? I don't fancy them hanging onto my ears when doing doggie.
Your's Uncut from Fife.
You should follow your desires and try something new.... Take a photo of Bobby Charlton to the hairdressers. That will give you the best of both worlds. A short hair style with a bit to hold on to."
Nearly cracked a rib laughing! Lej! |
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Dear Angry Aunt
I've been invited to a meet with supper and apparently the chef's speciality is stuffed mushrooms.
Should i just grin and bear it or be cheeky and ask for neopolitan ice cream for dessert?
yours
truly concerned |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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dear auntie,
i have noticed recently that a lot of people are getting worked up about some other people being thrown off a patch of ground somewhere south of london.
i am concerned about how these people will suffer and where they will love and also th lack of help that they will be given in being relocated.
my question is....
is that a squirrel?
MATT |
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"
Dear Angry Aunt
I've been invited to a meet with supper and apparently the chef's speciality is stuffed mushrooms.
Should i just grin and bear it or be cheeky and ask for neopolitan ice cream for dessert?
yours
truly concerned "
Stuffed mushrooms are usually a starter, so I suggest wearing two pairs of pants in case your arse leaks during the main course. |
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Dear AA
Hope you dont mind me writing to you, but I had no where else to turn. My problem is there are a few people I would like to meet, But they all live to far away. How can I convince them all to move closer to me.
Ta muchly Mrs A xxx |
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"Dear AA
Hope you dont mind me writing to you, but I had no where else to turn. My problem is there are a few people I would like to meet, But they all live to far away. How can I convince them all to move closer to me.
Ta muchly Mrs A xxx"
Usually a phone call saying they have won the Nigerian lottery is a good start to making people do stupid things. |
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"Dear AA
Hope you dont mind me writing to you, but I had no where else to turn. My problem is there are a few people I would like to meet, But they all live to far away. How can I convince them all to move closer to me.
Ta muchly Mrs A xxx
Usually a phone call saying they have won the Nigerian lottery is a good start to making people do stupid things."
Thanks very much for taking the time to reply, should I have a back up plan incase that doesn't work xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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dear auntie,
its me again!
i was wondering, they say that excessive masterbation can lead to stunted growth, short sightedness and hairy palms.
i am currently writing this whilst staring at th screen from 2 inches away and have to use a pair of ladders to use th toilet and as for my hersuite hands...
so i want to ask...
whats th best way to cook rice?
MATT |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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""The original polo" has got to be the funniest person on fab,so funny
*dons a Joe Pesci voice*
What do you mean I'm funny?
What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Funny how? What's funny about it?
Funny how?
You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
"
, |
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"dear AA, i have this big problem. ive just murdered my neighbour and all his family . wheres the best place to bury there bodys . xxxxxxxxx"
Patio... everytime. Just remember to lay them in chalk a good 3 foot down. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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dear AA,
I often find myself writing to ask advice from people who are unqualified to offer anything meaningful and who i suspect couldnt give a toss anyway.
Do you have advice on how you can help me to deal with this?
Yours,
Every Single Person Thats Ever Wrote To Newspaper Advice Column
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"dear AA,
I often find myself writing to ask advice from people who are unqualified to offer anything meaningful and who i suspect couldnt give a toss anyway.
Do you have advice on how you can help me to deal with this?
Yours,
Every Single Person Thats Ever Wrote To Newspaper Advice Column
"
Yes.
Stop sticking your finger up your arse so you can write on toilet walls with it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear AA
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble an if I stay there will be double.
Worried of Gloucester
I think it's best you go... before we both clash."
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Dearest Auntie
I see many profiles asking for VVWE men. I would like to message some of these people, but am worried about false representation. So my question is..From where should one begin to measure the offending appendage? Also when corresponding with the required measurements, is it still PC to give said details in inches, or could this offend our european members and result in being branded a racist?
Yours
Possibly VWE Southampton.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oh… remember to use a dry wipe marker… they get pissed off if you use a sharpie permanent..... apparently.
Oooppsss!!! I'll tell him he came second (for a change... consolation, I guess) I'm way too good at naughts n crosses... he'll have a reminder of that fact for at least a week
Well if you have already done the lines with a sharpie, you could always add a few more and make it sudoku"
Dearest Angry Aunty,
I'm so sorry to trouble you again
I followed your advice and tried the sudoku (much enjoyment that was )... I got carried away though and went on to play squares (more enjoyment).
Now I'm f*cking sh*tting myself... my hubby looks like hellraiser from 1987 (minus the pins).... to top it he now has a gob full of Hubba Bubba and says he has new oral skills (where the f**k did he get the bubble gum idea from???).
Please help,
Scared of Scarborough |
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dear AA
i am sorry but i have been fad'ing raises pictures again, even though he asked me to stop stalking him,. i seem to have this problem, my PJs have somehow become very damp in places and its embarrasing
my question is How much is it to ship a pair of damp slightly used PJs to scotland and how should i wrap them to keep them fresh?
yours in wet anticipation ,
queen of the damp patch... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"dear AA
i am sorry but i have been fad'ing raises pictures again, even though he asked me to stop stalking him,. i seem to have this problem, my PJs have somehow become very damp in places and its embarrasing
my question is How much is it to ship a pair of damp slightly used PJs to scotland and how should i wrap them to keep them fresh?
yours in wet anticipation ,
queen of the damp patch... "
I never chew on flannel...no matter how damp or wet it is..its like chewing on coton wool.. please get something decent to wet!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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