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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
Man: I've just bought this special watch that I can use to read minds - I bet I can tell what you're thinking right now
Woman: ok - go on then
(close eyes and pause for effect)
Man: well my watch is telling me that you aren't wearing any knickers at the moment.
Woman: ah well it clearly doesn't work because I am.
(pause for effect - look at watch - frown)
Man: Oh I see the problem ...... it's an hour fast  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your eyes are like spanners - every time you look at me my nuts tighten.
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? No? (Pull out yor pockets inside out) Would you like to?
Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
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Man...hello gorgeous.....any chance of a blow job.....
Woman...NO
Man.... Does that mean a shag is out Then as well....
Can't believe I used this once when I was pissed about 20 years ago...and it worked..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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used to have a friend, he used to go up to ladies and ask, fancy a fuck
if it didnt work he would just shrug and try another lady, amazingly most nights he would end up taking someone home  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"man: Hi, the names Bond
woman: James?
man: no. Uni Bond... ive come to fill your crack in "
I had that said to me years ago but instead of James I said Basildon he wasnt very impressed with me but made me giggle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"used to have a friend, he used to go up to ladies and ask, fancy a fuck
if it didnt work he would just shrug and try another lady, amazingly most nights he would end up taking someone home "
one of my mates is like that - his theory is if you ask 20 women for a shag, one will yes so bollox to the other 19  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not so much a chat up line as a 'link in' was the one another friend used which was going up to someone and asking:
'Do you know how much hand cuffs cost?'
His theory was that you always got a reaction.
Some people would tell you to do one, but as most people are curious as to why you asked them such a random question, a good deal of them will ask why you want to know.
And there you have the start of a conversation.
Bizarrely, I saw that work on many an occasion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once told a lady I was ex forces, she asked navy, army or RAF.
When I said, Nah none of them, I was at parcel force but got the sack, she was in bits, and the rest was history. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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heres a few daft ones from me:-
If you don't wanna have
kids with me, then why
don't we just practice?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what do ya say we tie up for the night
I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away! |
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By *acciWoman
over a year ago
leeds |
A male mate of mine used these once lol
1,Hi do you want to do some magic ? Women " how do you mean" reply " well i fuck you then you dissapear.
2,Hi do you fancy a fuck ? women " No i dnt" reply....." would you mind laying down then because i do " pmsl |
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"used to have a friend, he used to go up to ladies and ask, fancy a fuck
if it didnt work he would just shrug and try another lady, amazingly most nights he would end up taking someone home
one of my mates is like that - his theory is if you ask 20 women for a shag, one will yes so bollox to the other 19 "
I have a friend who uses that theory..he calls it warfare syndrome...chuck enough soldiers over the top and some will get through even if many get shot down.....problem was that friend got married but still used to flirt...one night he came out with the best chat up line ever to be doomed to failure in vanilla world...
"blah blah..yeah I am a great shag..ask my wife....she's over there"..Great line still makes me smile 20 years on.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I decided to learn chat-up lines in sign language to increase my chances of pulling deaf birds when I'm out clubbing.
Now everyone just thinks I'm really shit at dancing.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi, you're so hot you make the cheese under my foreskin bubble" - 50/50 success rate. You'll either get a slap or a fuck.
~
"Hi, I bet I can tell your age by feeling your left tit."
She has to agree to you groping her.
You have a good feel and tell her how old she is. She'll be amazed and ask you how you know.
You asked her mate beforehand.
~
Hand the woman a dice and tell her that if she rolls between 1 - 5 she gets to shag you. If she rolls a 6 she gets another go. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Once had a mate that claimed he went in to a massage parlour. The woman gave him a massage for about 15 minutes then whispered in his ear "Would you like a wank?"
he said "yes please"
She replied "okay, I'll come back in about 20 minutes" and then left him alone (;-) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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had to add the message i got last night:
Hiya just looking at your profile picture, you have a big gap under that front door , bet you find it drafty..
Do you need something to fill your hole ...lol wink wink |
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By *adcowWoman
over a year ago
kirkcaldy |
i must be too kind hearted coz 2 that worked on me were
"shit the elastic just went on my boxers"
me " come back to mine and i'll fix them for you - ended up married to him for nearly 20 yr afterwards funnily he always went commando after that night
another was myself and some friends were out clubbing when a guy came over and started chatting to my friend next thing i know i hear a yelp and a thud
my friend had kicked the poor guy in the nuts for no real reason. i offered to make up for her bad manners and violence by kissing them better - all night hehe
see such a kind person me lol |
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