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Ramblings of a screwed up mind "cheating"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The question is can you cheat in a CNM dynamic.
During this writing i will refer to CNM or Consensual non-monogamy. I feel this best covers the vast array of openly multiple partner relationships.
CNM can be everything from poly to indeed swinging.
Now to understand where I am coming form lets look at the standard idea of cheating within a relationship.
This is usually when two people have agreed to be sexually exclusive but then engage in sexual relationship while pretending to be monogamous and lying to their partner with active manipulation and/or omission of information.
In multiple partner relationships the definition is extended to all those in a commited realtionship dynamics
Now first let me point out a myth about CNM, some people believe that those that go into CNM to maintain have tried monogamous relationships and found themselves cheating repeatedly so decide on a CNM dynamic.
I feel that this is a very narrow minded point of view and does not take into account the 10000s of people that lead strong positive CNM relationships.
I will say that there are those in CNM relationships that do cheat, but i was asked how this could be if you are open.
1. "Emotional Cheating”
Cheating does not have to include sex, by talking to someone and forming emotional intimacy, thoughts and feelings with that person but not talking about it to the others within the dynamic is cheating.
Emotional cheating can mean anything from online chatting, texting with no physical contact but lots of emotional connection and maybe even some mutual masturbation, to non-sexual lunch dates, or private intimate conversations.
The other thing about Emotional Cheating is emotional contact breeds longing and frustration, so its more likely those involved will find some way to hook up with each other.
This usually entails pretending to be somewhere else, doing something else than what the person is actually doing, and can severely strain the poly code of honesty and communication fostering trust. Mirroring other cheating relationships, hiding and lying are very popular strategies for tricksters of all stripes.
2. "Breaking Sex Agreements Cheating"
Not all cheating in CNM comes in the form of physical or emotional contact, even when you are seeing people within the set boundries yiu can cheat by doing things sexually they know they shouldn’t.
This can include anything from having penetrative sex after agreeing not to, having sex in a specific place that was agreed to be out of bounds (often the couple’s bed or residence), or using a specific position the couple had decided to reserve for their exclusive use.
By breaking the boundries you are realistic cheating.
3. "Physical Cheating"
This is what the mainstream society sees as the standard cheating idea. You start seeing someone behind the back of your exsisting partners. Or as a swinger you see someone with out your partners knowledge etc.
So as you see its not a simple subject to discuss, and alot is dependant on the boundries that are set at the begining of the CNM or when they have developed.
So do you think someone can cheat in a CNM relationship |
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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
I think if a couple in whatever form of relationship have an agreement, they should have discussed the rules and if somebody meets someone or starts texting messages to another party without the other persons knowledge it would be considered cheating.
For example, I had a partner who played with other females when I wasn't around ( we didn't live together) and I did the same. When we were together we swung in club's as a couple. We always let the other know when we were planning to meet and discussed it before and after. This arrangement went well for over a year.
When I found out he had been away for a weekend with a lady and was texting her several times a day, behind my back, .suddenly they were emotionally connected and kaboom . End of our relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if a couple in whatever form of relationship have an agreement, they should have discussed the rules and if somebody meets someone or starts texting messages to another party without the other persons knowledge it would be considered cheating.
For example, I had a partner who played with other females when I wasn't around ( we didn't live together) and I did the same. When we were together we swung in club's as a couple. We always let the other know when we were planning to meet and discussed it before and after. This arrangement went well for over a year.
When I found out he had been away for a weekend with a lady and was texting her several times a day, behind my back, .suddenly they were emotionally connected and kaboom . End of our relationship. "
First sorry to hear that sweetie.
And I agree we see cheating as just the physical activity but if you cross over boundaries in my eyes that's cheating as well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think if a couple in whatever form of relationship have an agreement, they should have discussed the rules and if somebody meets someone or starts texting messages to another party without the other persons knowledge it would be considered cheating.
For example, I had a partner who played with other females when I wasn't around ( we didn't live together) and I did the same. When we were together we swung in club's as a couple. We always let the other know when we were planning to meet and discussed it before and after. This arrangement went well for over a year.
When I found out he had been away for a weekend with a lady and was texting her several times a day, behind my back, .suddenly they were emotionally connected and kaboom . End of our relationship. "
Agree with this. Any contact outside agreed parameters, that you hide or deliberately mislead someone about is not, to my mind, on. |
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"So if you haven't actually made any agreements, it's not cheating? "
Every relationship will have agreements of some sort, either unspoken or otherwise. For example, some may speak about what parameters and boundaries they have which tends to be the norm in non monogamous relationships. However, in a monogamous relationship boundaries are not spoken about and monogamy is usually just assumed as the boundary.
I hope that makes sense as I wasn’t sure how to word what I was thinking |
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Sorry, the syntax was bad on my first attempt:
An interesting phrase I heard once was 'A violation of expectation' - damage is done when that occurs.
Certain behaviours are a 'normal' expectation in society - so if I ask someone the time at half past one, I expect them to tell me it's half past one, not arbitrarily say it's half past two.......in other words we expect (rightly or wrongly) to be told the truth.
Within relationships if expectations are not discussed there is great room for error, of course, though the accepted norm is monogamy. It's like the speed limit is 30mph on a road with street lights - unless there is signage to state otherwise.
Cheating is about knowingly being disloyal I would say - whether that be to an agreement, or known tacit acceptance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So if you haven't actually made any agreements, it's not cheating?
Every relationship will have agreements of some sort, either unspoken or otherwise. For example, some may speak about what parameters and boundaries they have which tends to be the norm in non monogamous relationships. However, in a monogamous relationship boundaries are not spoken about and monogamy is usually just assumed as the boundary.
I hope that makes sense as I wasn’t sure how to word what I was thinking "
It makes sense to me. |
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
I would say that Cheating is whatever a person considers to be cheating I don't think there can be a text book definition.
For us we agreed that everything would be done together and with the others full agreement so anything that is done without the other knowledge would be considered cheating. |
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