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How to afford life after a divorce?
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By *dam1971 OP Man
over a year ago
Bedford |
The divorce itself isn’t such a cost but afterwards it seems impossible.
Here’s the situation, 3 children under 18, living in the south east where housing is obscenely expensive. The last thing I want is for the children to move into a smaller place as right now they’ve got a bedroom each.
Wife works in a school which is good for the holidays but not great for salary (she’s not a teacher) so her wages will just about cover food and bills every month.
If I pay enough child benefit to cover the mortgage and pay for some of their other costs too it leaves me about enough to sleep rough but in a slightly posh cardboard box.
How’s it done? |
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See if she can apply for tax credits as a single parent as this could provide a small boost to her individual income. But re you maybe a second income, i know people work very long hours as it is and would be to exhausted to take on another job, just thinking out loud really. Hope you manage to find a way around it  H x |
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Put two children in one room and move into the other. Live separate in the same house.
You child sit whilst she is out, she does it when you out. Just because you Unmarried doesnt mean you can live under the same roof. she doesnt have to do stuff for you and visas versa.
You paying the bills nothing to stop you living there. sensible just to stick it out really. |
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"The divorce itself isn’t such a cost but afterwards it seems impossible.
Here’s the situation, 3 children under 18, living in the south east where housing is obscenely expensive. The last thing I want is for the children to move into a smaller place as right now they’ve got a bedroom each.
Wife works in a school which is good for the holidays but not great for salary (she’s not a teacher) so her wages will just about cover food and bills every month.
If I pay enough child benefit to cover the mortgage and pay for some of their other costs too it leaves me about enough to sleep rough but in a slightly posh cardboard box.
How’s it done?"
It's grim for everyone - housing is way too expensive, the younger generation can't even think of buying from scratch, and I can't see how they're ever going to fix it.  |
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Tough one mate, been there and got the 'T' shirt..... luckily i met the lovely Wilma and moved in with her but times were hard for a few years..... believe me it does get better !!! ... make sure the kids are ok though i did to my cost but now they are grown up and told me i did well.... i have always had giult but them saying that has made it ease a bit |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never been through it myself but I think it's one of those things that just work itself out, and if your living arrangements at the moment are tense and difficult then the children are going to be much better off emotionally.
A man at work was saying today that his ex gets £700-800 a month on tax credits for two children besides earning £20k a year, I found this quite hard to believe, but who knows. You could try entitled to dot com and this would give you an indication of what she could get.
I hope it all works out for you both.
Ginger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never been through it myself but I think it's one of those things that just work itself out, and if your living arrangements at the moment are tense and difficult then the children are going to be much better off emotionally.
A man at work was saying today that his ex gets £700-800 a month on tax credits for two children besides earning £20k a year, I found this quite hard to believe, but who knows. You could try entitled to dot com and this would give you an indication of what she could get.
I hope it all works out for you both.
Ginger "
I can’t see that figure being accurate. I was on a lot less than that a year and got £250 a week for 5 children. Think my wage was around thousand a year. I think the most you get on that kind of wage is £30-50 a week tax credits and working tax combined. She pay get a childcare element but that goes on childcare. |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
If your wife earns less than 26,000 a year she will be entitled to all sorts of benifits.
Working tax credits etc
Child care paid I think 70% of the cost.
If she rented a property housing benefit upto about 500 per mth.
council tax relief
Water deductions
plus maintenance from you for the children.
plus her wages
You also need a life....
My ex paid nothing really for our son but thats another sorry.
All the best
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By *sylockeWoman
over a year ago
East Anglia |
Sorry to hear you are considering this. It’s never easy and will no doubt get worse before it gets better. I think that if you look after your kids you will be doing the right thing.
Best of luck. |
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"Put two children in one room and move into the other. Live separate in the same house.
You child sit whilst she is out, she does it when you out. Just because you Unmarried doesnt mean you can live under the same roof. she doesnt have to do stuff for you and visas versa.
You paying the bills nothing to stop you living there. sensible just to stick it out really. "
Precisely |
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"The divorce itself isn’t such a cost but afterwards it seems impossible.
Here’s the situation, 3 children under 18, living in the south east where housing is obscenely expensive. The last thing I want is for the children to move into a smaller place as right now they’ve got a bedroom each.
Wife works in a school which is good for the holidays but not great for salary (she’s not a teacher) so her wages will just about cover food and bills every month.
If I pay enough child benefit to cover the mortgage and pay for some of their other costs too it leaves me about enough to sleep rough but in a slightly posh cardboard box.
How’s it done?"
A four bed house would be hugely expensive in this area. I know you want the best for your kids but is having their own bedroom really more important than you living in awful conditions? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry to hear you are considering this. It’s never easy and will no doubt get worse before it gets better. I think that if you look after your kids you will be doing the right thing.
Best of luck. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never been through it myself but I think it's one of those things that just work itself out, and if your living arrangements at the moment are tense and difficult then the children are going to be much better off emotionally.
A man at work was saying today that his ex gets £700-800 a month on tax credits for two children besides earning £20k a year, I found this quite hard to believe, but who knows. You could try entitled to dot com and this would give you an indication of what she could get.
I hope it all works out for you both.
Ginger
I can’t see that figure being accurate. I was on a lot less than that a year and got £250 a week for 5 children. Think my wage was around thousand a year. I think the most you get on that kind of wage is £30-50 a week tax credits and working tax combined. She pay get a childcare element but that goes on childcare. "
I thought it seemed excessively high, he kept the house and she went into rented accommodation, she's told him she gets an additional £1500 a month which I really can't see, but she has only just started a job on £20k so I wonder if it's based on last years earnings?? He isn't impressed as all he's saved is 25% on his council tax, I just kept my thoughts to myself...
Ginger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never been through it myself but I think it's one of those things that just work itself out, and if your living arrangements at the moment are tense and difficult then the children are going to be much better off emotionally.
A man at work was saying today that his ex gets £700-800 a month on tax credits for two children besides earning £20k a year, I found this quite hard to believe, but who knows. You could try entitled to dot com and this would give you an indication of what she could get.
I hope it all works out for you both.
Ginger
I can’t see that figure being accurate. I was on a lot less than that a year and got £250 a week for 5 children. Think my wage was around thousand a year. I think the most you get on that kind of wage is £30-50 a week tax credits and working tax combined. She pay get a childcare element but that goes on childcare.
I thought it seemed excessively high, he kept the house and she went into rented accommodation, she's told him she gets an additional £1500 a month which I really can't see, but she has only just started a job on £20k so I wonder if it's based on last years earnings?? He isn't impressed as all he's saved is 25% on his council tax, I just kept my thoughts to myself...
Ginger "
Yes it could be based on last years earnings but she will end up with a huge overpayment. They ask you to tell them if you think the years earnings will be a lot higher than the previous tax year so that you don’t get overpaid. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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surely the maintenance can be worked out so you have enough to live on - wont kill the kids to share a room - my ex had the 4 bedroomed detached and i moved into a small 3 bed semi - 3rd bedroom is barely that - they wernt bothered one jot - |
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"Never been through it myself but I think it's one of those things that just work itself out, and if your living arrangements at the moment are tense and difficult then the children are going to be much better off emotionally.
A man at work was saying today that his ex gets £700-800 a month on tax credits for two children besides earning £20k a year, I found this quite hard to believe, but who knows. You could try entitled to dot com and this would give you an indication of what she could get.
I hope it all works out for you both.
Ginger "
It’s true!! I used to get £750 a month tax credits plus child benefit whilst paying for childcare for 2 children. It has reduced now the eldest is at college & will reduce again when youngest starts high school.
My ex’s maintenance covers my mortgage. He promised to keep this roof over his children's head & I put it in the divorce papers. He has stuck to that promise & my children are grateful as they really don’t want to move.
There is child tax credit calculator online that you can use to calculate how much the resident parent is entitled to. It goes on the absent parents salary & how many nights a week they have the children overnight.
If it worked out that I had to move then I would have done so. I wasn’t out to bankrupt my ex & had to buy him out. I borrowed to the max & that gave him a good deposit for his own home with a bedroom each for our children.
B x |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
I work in a school and used to get tax credits to top up my earning. Its worth exploring what benefits shes entitled to.
Ultimately im assuming you see your kids regularly and you wil need to provide somewhere for them too. You shouldnt be left with nothing to live on. |
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"Is the house in joint names?
Yes it is. My wages have always been higher so financially I’ve contributed more but that doesn’t matter because it’s a 50-50 thing to raise children."
That's a great attitude and by the same token the solution to this problem is 50/50. Is there any way your ex wife could earn more, is it vital to the long term well being of your children that they have their own bedroom? |
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By *dam1971 OP Man
over a year ago
Bedford |
"A four bed house would be hugely expensive in this area. I know you want the best for your kids but is having their own bedroom really more important than you living in awful conditions?"
Yes. Children are eye wateringly expensive, shoes don’t seem to last as long as they did when I was a kid and you buy them clothes the day before they have a growth spurt. I can’t put my selfishness ahead of them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t know,I live in a ridiculously expensive area too!
To have the same lifestyle now (which isn’t lavish by any means) I’d have to take on extra work to top up my full time salary, grim springs to mind |
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"A four bed house would be hugely expensive in this area. I know you want the best for your kids but is having their own bedroom really more important than you living in awful conditions?
Yes. Children are eye wateringly expensive, shoes don’t seem to last as long as they did when I was a kid and you buy them clothes the day before they have a growth spurt. I can’t put my selfishness ahead of them."
I'm suggesting your family move to a smaller house not that you stop buy them clothes and shoes.
You're in a tough situation but it isn't selfish to want somewhere basic to live. |
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By *dam1971 OP Man
over a year ago
Bedford |
"A four bed house would be hugely expensive in this area. I know you want the best for your kids but is having their own bedroom really more important than you living in awful conditions?
Yes. Children are eye wateringly expensive, shoes don’t seem to last as long as they did when I was a kid and you buy them clothes the day before they have a growth spurt. I can’t put my selfishness ahead of them.
I'm suggesting your family move to a smaller house not that you stop buy them clothes and shoes.
You're in a tough situation but it isn't selfish to want somewhere basic to live."
Thanks, I guess my worry is for the unknown of how much a place costs to run these days with council tax etc. I know how much rent is but it’s been 20 years since I had a flat alone.
I really want to avoid moving them out of the house if possible, to minimise their disruption. Until a couple of years ago the two youngest shared a bedroom but as teenagers it’s really nice to have some privacy and that’s what I don’t want to change. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your situation is exactly the same as mine even down to her job lol...been separated nearly two years and I give her £1500pm to stay in the house for the kids......I’m ok now but at first it’s horrible....hang in there bud honestly it gets easier and you adapt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is this why so many guys stay with partners they're not happy with?
I have nothing productive to add because I don't have children nor ever been married.
But maybe you could try citizens advice I'm sure they could offer some help? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m sadly seeing this more and more, many guys I know who are living back in with parents etc.
Stability etc for your kids is great but remember you are important as well.
Good luck
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
What you also have to bear in mind is the fact that if you don't have somewhere decent to live too, you can't / won't want to have your children round.... It's as much for their sake that you have a semi decent place to live. |
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Welcome to the most exepnseive countries in the world to start out in.
People have no idea how much it costs to start a life these days. It's actually fucking insane.
If you have to move out then you have to downsize, even then you might end up renting a room instead of a house for yourself. |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
Your ex wife will be entitled to Tax Credits while the children are under 18 and in education
She will also be able to get a discount on her Council Tax as she is the only adult in the house. She will also receive child benefit.
This should give you enough time to sort out what you are doing with the marital home as once the Tax Credits end you’ll be back to the situation you’re in now with regards income.
Single parents do manage. Going through a divorce will also cost money but depending on income you may get Legal Aid.
You both need to get legal and financial advice to see what your options are. Many men unfortunately have to flat share or move in with parents or a bedsit. Hence the reason many single guys can’t accommodate on here.
It’s not easy but single parents do cope. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel for you it’s a tough place to be. I would strongly suggest you take some professional advice such as citizens advice, there’s a lot of info and links on their website. Just a couple of points of note, your child maintenance will be based on the number of nights they spend with mum/you number of children and your income. There are also various types of arrangement that you need to read up on. It might be worth you starting by working out the cost of renting somewhere for you plus your living costs and travel to work costs etc then use a maintenance calculator and see how the sums add up. Turn2us is another good benefit calculator where you might be able to see what your wife is entitled to. Cmoptions dot org is a good place to start for info on maintenance. Above all else take advice, mediation and negotiation is key if it’s possible. If you have other assets such as a pension or property these can potentially be used as part of the negotiation too. |
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My grandmother always said you have to cut your cloth accordingly. When I asked her what she meant she replied that you live within your means, not according to the means you wish you had.
If you and your ex wife can not afford to run a 4 bedroom house the best thing for all of you is selling and moving somewhere smaller. Sharing a bedroom doesn’t harm children and they will soon learn to adapt. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is this why so many guys stay with partners they're not happy with?
I have nothing productive to add because I don't have children nor ever been married.
But maybe you could try citizens advice I'm sure they could offer some help?"
Yep.. this is exactly why couples stay together even when their relationship has died. And why single men can't accommodate.
Sorry OP I can't help but wish you well. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I became a single parent I thought I’d never cope financially.
It seemed as hopeless as you describe.
I had child care to pay for as I worked full time. I wasn’t entitled to any help and my ex’s didn’t pay any maintenance.
I streamlined everything and somehow it wasn’t half as bad as I thought.
My daughters are now grown up and finding their way in the world.
My thoughts are with you op. It’s not easy. |
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I am sure your children would understand that they might have to share under the circumstances.
They would rather have a father who is not struggling than have a bedroom each...happier parents mean far more to children than material things too... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s very commendable that you are willing to pay over and over what you need to but you have to live too. Go onto the government child maintenance calculator online and see what you should be paying and work from there. Your ex will get a fair bit of tax credits which will boost her income. My ex was getting over a grand a month in tax credits which meant she had way more money than me. Can you not live with a friend or relative in the short term until things are worked out fairly for both of you. |
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By *errysMan
over a year ago
milton keynes and kent |
Even if she tells you all is well and she wont fleece you and theres not need to worry and she wont get a solicitor involved etc. Etc. Do not believe her.
Freinds will entice her to and then her solicitor will scare the pants off you followed by taking the shirt off your back.
Before you have no money avaiable find a solicitor and pay them oodles of money upfront that you dont have and cant afford they will cost you about 500 per hour and save your life.
Next sell the house.
Sorry but your entire families lives have been changed by this thing called divorce.
Ok
Alternatively grovel to her like no man has ever grovelled for forgivness before.
or forgive her totally.
Signed..... not bitter or twisted |
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"It’s very commendable that you are willing to pay over and over what you need to but you have to live too. Go onto the government child maintenance calculator online and see what you should be paying and work from there. Your ex will get a fair bit of tax credits which will boost her income. My ex was getting over a grand a month in tax credits which meant she had way more money than me. Can you not live with a friend or relative in the short term until things are worked out fairly for both of you. "
This. Get the maintenance set. Get her to sort out her tax credits. |
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"Is this why so many guys stay with partners they're not happy with?
I have nothing productive to add because I don't have children nor ever been married.
But maybe you could try citizens advice I'm sure they could offer some help?
Yep.. this is exactly why couples stay together even when their relationship has died. And why single men can't accommodate.
Sorry OP I can't help but wish you well. x"
Wow you hit the nail right on the head there. |
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"I’m sadly seeing this more and more, many guys I know who are living back in with parents etc.
Stability etc for your kids is great but remember you are important as well.
Good luck
"
I had to move back in with my mum. My cousin who is 50 has had to do the same. No money left over to rent a place. Very sad. |
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I have been through a divorce with one husband and the death of another. Kind of puts things into perspective.
You have one life. Life it to the best of your ability. Make sure you provide and look after your children. Take stock of your life, move on and make new memories with new people in new places. Money is only a problem if you let it be, it does sound like there are options. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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About 18 years ago now, I left the missus with young child in the marital home - paying £749/month to cover the mortgage and bills and gave her another £200 on top. I moved into a bedsit above a hairdressers in a bloody rough area.
Did it for the child's sake. Once old enough to make own mind up (11 according to the court at the time) child came to live with me. Paid the ex a one-off settlement of £120k - and still got called a complete _unt by her and her family. I was left utterly skint and had to start all over again - but never been bloody happier and managed to get my child through University and then her solicitor's exams - happy and doing well in career - mum remains bitter and twisted.
Hang on in there mate - it can be done. Oh - and trust me, I was not a wealthy person but did have a decent job and just worked all hours God sent to give me child the best chance possible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been seperated for 2yrs and have 50/50 custody with my ex. We both work fulltime, we get tax credit but i let her have it as i am in a higher paid job and dont need it as much as she does (its not a huge amount anyway). She earns about 20k a year and rents a house, im not sure if she gets any help with that. I dont pay her anything, im in the marital home and any expense we have for the kids like clothes, shoes etc is split 50/50. It was not an amicable split as she cheated on me but i put all that to one side and made my kids my main priority and it works well for them and us. I altered my work hrs so i can take my kids to school and then my childminder picks them up from school for a few hrs until im finished work. My wage has been reduced slightly because of the hr I lose in the morning but stability for my kids is more important.
Not sure if you are both in a position to do 50/50 custody but i would recommend it to anyone who is going through a separation/divorce.. the kids get equal time with both parents which is very important when they are growing up, and its a much fairer way.
Really hope things work out for you, its a hard time for everyone involved but especially your kids. |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
"I’m better off on tax credits than when there was two of us.
"
I was better off on Tax Credits as well until the kids were older and now I struggle on my wage now that I have no maintenance and no Tax Credits. |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
I applaud all single parents. I’ve been on my own for 13 years. It’s not been easy but I’ve come through it happier and the kids are happier too.
Earlier comments about the kids being the priority are spot on. They only have one life too. They grow up fast and hear and understand more than you know at times.
Good luck to everyone going through separation and divorce.
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"The divorce itself isn’t such a cost but afterwards it seems impossible.
Here’s the situation, 3 children under 18, living in the south east where housing is obscenely expensive. The last thing I want is for the children to move into a smaller place as right now they’ve got a bedroom each.
Wife works in a school which is good for the holidays but not great for salary (she’s not a teacher) so her wages will just about cover food and bills every month.
If I pay enough child benefit to cover the mortgage and pay for some of their other costs too it leaves me about enough to sleep rough but in a slightly posh cardboard box.
How’s it done?"
We were fortunate in that we both had good jobs and at the time banks were throwing money at you.
I don't know how people manage now! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The divorce itself isn’t such a cost but afterwards it seems impossible.
Here’s the situation, 3 children under 18, living in the south east where housing is obscenely expensive. The last thing I want is for the children to move into a smaller place as right now they’ve got a bedroom each.
Wife works in a school which is good for the holidays but not great for salary (she’s not a teacher) so her wages will just about cover food and bills every month.
If I pay enough child benefit to cover the mortgage and pay for some of their other costs too it leaves me about enough to sleep rough but in a slightly posh cardboard box.
How’s it done?"
I know this is reason Becham stays with Posh |
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Adam, there are no easy solutions, having been through this 3 years ago, but it can be done. My ex had a solicitor but we negotiated everything between us. I left the marital home and I now rent. The thing that surprised me was the split of things in the house...I left with almost nothing apart from clothes. I didn’t want to take anything that would change the children’s perception of their home but the value of second hand things like, for example, kettles, vacuum cleaners, irons, crockery, cutlery, pots and pans, bedding etc etc is practically nothing. So I had to start again...which is expensive.
In the end we decided that everyone’s emotional welfare was more important than money or stuff, but you need both to exist. She and they will be fine and I’m sure you will do everything to help...but you have to think of yourself too...
Perhaps start small and rent a room in a shared house and see how it goes? Gradually work yourself back up the housing ladder? It will be tough but having support from friends and staying positive will help.
Sending our love, “these times will pass”...
x
Twat (and Bitch)
PS Free for a beer if you want to chat more about practicalities |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From the other side I really appreciate my ex (on this at least) he pays the mortgage in lieu on child maintance as he felt it was important to keep consistency for the children (as do I) I know we both struggle more financially now but in our heads the kids come first and living together (but not together) wouldn't have been healthy at all! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you are the one who earns more money and are the one that has been paying for the mortgage then why are you the one moving out? Why dont you stay and look after the kids and she can move out into a smaller place that she can afford? |
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