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Relationship myths or truths
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think? 
Anymore for anymore? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?"
1 Only if all parties enjoy conflict.
2 Cohabitation tests the bounds of any relationship.
3 Nope, though sometimes different skill sets help out when 2 is tried.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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1. Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. The key is timely resolution. In conflict we learn what is important to each other. However if conflict esclates or is allowed to fester without resolution that’s when it damages and can eventually destroy the relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think that any generalisations can be applied to relationships. They are as unique as the 2 people involved. why assume only two in a relationship?"
Because that is the norm. Obviously other variations are available just not very common. Even in fab land. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?
1 Only if all parties enjoy conflict.
2 Cohabitation tests the bounds of any relationship.
3 Nope, though sometimes different skill sets help out when 2 is tried.
"
Eh? So if one enjoys conflict or they both hate it, it’s good? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"1. Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. The key is timely resolution. In conflict we learn what is important to each other. However if conflict esclates or is allowed to fester without resolution that’s when it damages and can eventually destroy the relationship."
Yes, I guess it pushes you apart, you find a compromise or it can bring an even greater bond through working something through.
I like a little conflict  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think that any generalisations can be applied to relationships. They are as unique as the 2 people involved. "
This is very true. But yet, generalisations become so for a reason too |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy"
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Opposite do not attract in my experience... being on different polar ends on views, thoughts, opinions etc goes no where fast."
Yeah, there’s certain values and views I think I’d struggle with having opposing opinion on with a partner. But, there are many differences that can enhance and help you learn or experience “new” which can be a real gift. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
What the outside world sees as conflict may be seen as passion for the people involved. One very long lasting relationship I know of always appear to be fighting but it's all superficial level. On the things that really matter, like values, they agree completely.
Most 'love/sex' relationship cohabitation is practical as well as desirable. It's a modern aspiration to have a place of one's own. As property prices/rent are ever increasing it's a luxury to think a newly established couple would live separately. One of the relationship rites of passage is to set up together.
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"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?"
Every relationship is different |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!! "
And yet... it didn't save their relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What the outside world sees as conflict may be seen as passion for the people involved. One very long lasting relationship I know of always appear to be fighting but it's all superficial level. On the things that really matter, like values, they agree completely.
Most 'love/sex' relationship cohabitation is practical as well as desirable. It's a modern aspiration to have a place of one's own. As property prices/rent are ever increasing it's a luxury to think a newly established couple would live separately. One of the relationship rites of passage is to set up together.
"
Yes, I like the spirited passion of conflict but there has to alignment with core values.
It is far more expensive being single. In all matters!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?
Every relationship is different"
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!!
And yet... it didn't save their relationship."
I know, gaaahhhh  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!!
And yet... it didn't save their relationship."
I think age plays a part, I haven't lived with either of my wives full time, first marriage I was working away a lot. But being young the separation was painful. Current marriage we have several countries between us most of the time, Skype helps a lot, but I don't feel the loneliness that I used to.
For more normal relationships cohabiting does depend on the quality of the habitation... 24/7 in cramped space or multi rooms for different functions makes a lot of difference. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?"
Some conflict is good, and the make up sex after can be great.
And we like living apart it keeps it fresh and we don’t take each other for granted, that might change in the future.
And yes on the surface opposite can attract but the more important aspects are important to agree x |
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"I don't think that any generalisations can be applied to relationships. They are as unique as the 2 people involved. "
This - there are no set rules/ standards etc.
Relationships depend by and large on the behaviour of the people engaged in them.
People in turn often behave (not always because they can take a conscious decision to behave differently) in the way they experienced their parental relationships so they follow certain life scripts.
Most of what goes on in relationships is subconscious stuff...
Each relationship is unique! |
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By *ineMan
over a year ago
In cave behind a waterfall on a hill |
Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"3. Sometimes they do sometimes they don’t. Magnetic attraction is just a metaphor 
And a great Paula Abdul song! "
Really is that the title of one of her songs?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!! "
Living apart sounds perfect to me.
In answer to the OP I think all of those depend on the people involved. As long as they agree then it's good. Even if they agree to disagree. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death? "
I see it as a discussion of different perceptions. It was a question. If people don't discuss then things get stale. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Tear up the rulebook and go with the flow.
There isn't a rulebook."
That's an even better attitude to have.
The reality though is most have a predetermined idea of what should be. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Tear up the rulebook and go with the flow.
There isn't a rulebook."
Damn it now I want to tear up something and there you say there isn't a rule book...
Bottom line is you meet people, you have some sort of relationship. If things work out in what ever way then you may have a long relationship. And despite our protestations there will be some parts of that which will come close to the dreaded social norm. Other parts you will probably keep secret... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It may be coincidence but the year we got married, we went to six other weddings of friends & family. 21 years later, we are the only of these still married...& we were the only ones not to live together  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"3. Sometimes they do sometimes they don’t. Magnetic attraction is just a metaphor
And a great Paula Abdul song!
Really is that the title of one of her songs? "
“Opposites Attract” is. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!!
And yet... it didn't save their relationship.
I think age plays a part, I haven't lived with either of my wives full time, first marriage I was working away a lot. But being young the separation was painful. Current marriage we have several countries between us most of the time, Skype helps a lot, but I don't feel the loneliness that I used to.
For more normal relationships cohabiting does depend on the quality of the habitation... 24/7 in cramped space or multi rooms for different functions makes a lot of difference."
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Tear up the rulebook and go with the flow.
There isn't a rulebook.
That's an even better attitude to have.
The reality though is most have a predetermined idea of what should be."
*Nods* |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?
Some conflict is good, and the make up sex after can be great.
And we like living apart it keeps it fresh and we don’t take each other for granted, that might change in the future.
And yes on the surface opposite can attract but the more important aspects are important to agree x "
Make up sex  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't think that any generalisations can be applied to relationships. They are as unique as the 2 people involved.
This - there are no set rules/ standards etc.
Relationships depend by and large on the behaviour of the people engaged in them.
People in turn often behave (not always because they can take a conscious decision to behave differently) in the way they experienced their parental relationships so they follow certain life scripts.
Most of what goes on in relationships is subconscious stuff...
Each relationship is unique!"
Life scripts are fascinating |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death? "
Alright, grumpy! It was a question posed in the article I was reading and I love some analysis. Doesn’t mean I’m subscribing to one thought or the other. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"2. Cohabitation is not the be all and end all for relationships, some relationships are much healthier living apart especially for two highly independent people. However living together challenges us to be more tolerant, flexible and requires significantly more regular open communication to remain healthy
I liked the Bonham-Carter/Burton idea of owning two houses next door!!
Living apart sounds perfect to me.
In answer to the OP I think all of those depend on the people involved. As long as they agree then it's good. Even if they agree to disagree. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It may be coincidence but the year we got married, we went to six other weddings of friends & family. 21 years later, we are the only of these still married...& we were the only ones not to live together "
Oh that’s interesting |
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By *khot1Couple
over a year ago
somewhere over the rainbow |
Conflict is inevitable your never gonna have a relationship without it.
Cohabitation is a relationship tester when starting out for any couple.
Opposites do attract. Myself and my husband couldnt be more different and were 16 years going strong.
K x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Conflict is inevitable your never gonna have a relationship without it.
Cohabitation is a relationship tester when starting out for any couple.
Opposites do attract. Myself and my husband couldnt be more different and were 16 years going strong.
K x "
|
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"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?"
The answers are all nuanced. Conflict over mundane things like leaving the toilet seat up is healthy because you are resolving issues. But conflict over fundamental values is bad (e.g. when you can't decide what type of school to send your children to).
The statistical evidence is that cohabitation leads to poorer marriage outcomes but it's heavily flawed due to sample bais. I'm very glad i did it.
Opposites attract - opposite values do not attract. Values make a marriage, not sexual attraction (although it is necessary).
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By *ineMan
over a year ago
In cave behind a waterfall on a hill |
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
Alright, grumpy! It was a question posed in the article I was reading and I love some analysis. Doesn’t mean I’m subscribing to one thought or the other. "
Grumpy me ...never
But the answers are as varied as the individuals in the relationship and indeed how we ever define relationships. The vanilla concept of till death or divorce do us part is perhaps a constraint that results in divorce rates of around 30%+?
I have no better answers than anyone else here but the variety of responses suggests that we all have different perceptions of what may or may not work in any relationship. Perhaps the structures are something that two or more people can only develop in a way that works for them?
Or maybe even the changes in what society consider "normal" are becoming more fluid and acceptance of how others choose to live is part of that change?
|
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death? "
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find? |
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By *ineMan
over a year ago
In cave behind a waterfall on a hill |
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find? "
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
"
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
Alright, grumpy! It was a question posed in the article I was reading and I love some analysis. Doesn’t mean I’m subscribing to one thought or the other.
Grumpy me ...never
But the answers are as varied as the individuals in the relationship and indeed how we ever define relationships. The vanilla concept of till death or divorce do us part is perhaps a constraint that results in divorce rates of around 30%+?
I have no better answers than anyone else here but the variety of responses suggests that we all have different perceptions of what may or may not work in any relationship. Perhaps the structures are something that two or more people can only develop in a way that works for them?
Or maybe even the changes in what society consider "normal" are becoming more fluid and acceptance of how others choose to live is part of that change?
"
I’m not sure anyone has disagreed with that though. You’ve opened with an attack on analysis as if it is an attack on difference. That’s all I’m objecting too. It came across as a bit supercilious, which is why I called you grumpy. It was simply a lightheartedly posed question! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
Alright, grumpy! It was a question posed in the article I was reading and I love some analysis. Doesn’t mean I’m subscribing to one thought or the other.
Grumpy me ...never
But the answers are as varied as the individuals in the relationship and indeed how we ever define relationships. The vanilla concept of till death or divorce do us part is perhaps a constraint that results in divorce rates of around 30%+?
I have no better answers than anyone else here but the variety of responses suggests that we all have different perceptions of what may or may not work in any relationship. Perhaps the structures are something that two or more people can only develop in a way that works for them?
Or maybe even the changes in what society consider "normal" are becoming more fluid and acceptance of how others choose to live is part of that change?
I’m not sure anyone has disagreed with that though. You’ve opened with an attack on analysis as if it is an attack on difference. That’s all I’m objecting too. It came across as a bit supercilious, which is why I called you grumpy. It was simply a lightheartedly posed question! "
*to |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married. "
Always brief on the bonk |
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married.
Always brief on the bonk "
Seriously, i never understand how stupid you have to be in order to marry someone and then realise that one of you wants children and the other doesn't / one has a raging sex drive and the other hates it / one wants their kids to go to private schools and the other insists on state schools  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married.
Always brief on the bonk
Seriously, i never understand how stupid you have to be in order to marry someone and then realise that one of you wants children and the other doesn't / one has a raging sex drive and the other hates it / one wants their kids to go to private schools and the other insists on state schools "
I know, right?!
I wonder if it’s just stupidity or sometimes if it’s fear? I mean blind hope that all will be okay because you don’t want the possibility that this thing might not be right, I guess a lack of self worth or low self esteem meaning you hope or accept what you have, rather than believe you could find someone more compatible -
so going on in a blinkered fashion or on a high of whatever the “good” aspects are and fail to do due diligence to ascertain what the reality is. |
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married.
Always brief on the bonk
Seriously, i never understand how stupid you have to be in order to marry someone and then realise that one of you wants children and the other doesn't / one has a raging sex drive and the other hates it / one wants their kids to go to private schools and the other insists on state schools
I know, right?!
I wonder if it’s just stupidity or sometimes if it’s fear? I mean blind hope that all will be okay because you don’t want the possibility that this thing might not be right, I guess a lack of self worth or low self esteem meaning you hope or accept what you have, rather than believe you could find someone more compatible -
so going on in a blinkered fashion or on a high of whatever the “good” aspects are and fail to do due diligence to ascertain what the reality is. "
Well you get the "love conquers all" fuckwits. The ones who post a meme a minute on facebook about love. You know the type that are always more interested in telling social media how much they love their partner, rather than actually saying it to their partner. Those are types that end up with three divorces by the time they are forty. |
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"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married.
Always brief on the bonk
Seriously, i never understand how stupid you have to be in order to marry someone and then realise that one of you wants children and the other doesn't / one has a raging sex drive and the other hates it / one wants their kids to go to private schools and the other insists on state schools
I know, right?!
I wonder if it’s just stupidity or sometimes if it’s fear? I mean blind hope that all will be okay because you don’t want the possibility that this thing might not be right, I guess a lack of self worth or low self esteem meaning you hope or accept what you have, rather than believe you could find someone more compatible -
so going on in a blinkered fashion or on a high of whatever the “good” aspects are and fail to do due diligence to ascertain what the reality is. "
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured. |
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"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured."
Are you referring to second marriages? |
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"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? "
I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously. |
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"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously."
But those have higher rates of divorce than first marriages, on average. I could believe that some people do learn from experience. But more people develop bad habits that inhibit progress in most their relationships. |
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"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously.
But those have higher rates of divorce than first marriages, on average. I could believe that some people do learn from experience. But more people develop bad habits that inhibit progress in most their relationships. "
True, and of course we do not not the stats on unmarried 2nd and 3rd etc relationships.
|
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"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously.
But those have higher rates of divorce than first marriages, on average. I could believe that some people do learn from experience. But more people develop bad habits that inhibit progress in most their relationships. True, and of course we do not not the stats on unmarried 2nd and 3rd etc relationships.
"
No, i would certainly say i benefited a lot from the relationship mistakes in made before marriage. I've looked at the research about marrying young and it's very mixed. Failed marriages are higher for people who marry before 22 (i.e. minimal relationship experience) but then they start to rise again after 30. For most people there is an optimal point where they are mature, but not set in their ways - however one does not necessarily find a life partner at that time. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married.
Always brief on the bonk
Seriously, i never understand how stupid you have to be in order to marry someone and then realise that one of you wants children and the other doesn't / one has a raging sex drive and the other hates it / one wants their kids to go to private schools and the other insists on state schools
I know, right?!
I wonder if it’s just stupidity or sometimes if it’s fear? I mean blind hope that all will be okay because you don’t want the possibility that this thing might not be right, I guess a lack of self worth or low self esteem meaning you hope or accept what you have, rather than believe you could find someone more compatible -
so going on in a blinkered fashion or on a high of whatever the “good” aspects are and fail to do due diligence to ascertain what the reality is.
Well you get the "love conquers all" fuckwits. The ones who post a meme a minute on facebook about love. You know the type that are always more interested in telling social media how much they love their partner, rather than actually saying it to their partner. Those are types that end up with three divorces by the time they are forty. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Another attempt to slice dice and chop people up into nice tidy demographics that enable snap decisions about all of us and saves us treating peolle like people perhaps.
I wonder if sometimes we lose the richness of all human experience if every aspect of our lives and relationships is reduced to which box do we put this person or group in and then how should we interact with that category of persons.
We are all different we all live think and feel differently. And every relationship is driven by the dynamic between the parties involved...
Maybe we should just embrace the difference and not try to analyse it to death?
No idea what point you are trying to make here. 43% of marriages end in divorce which are often emotionally and financially devastating. Are you advocating that we don't try and analyse what does and doesn't work because there are no possible patterns we would find?
I think you may have answered your own question in your earlier post.
" relationships are more nuanced"..totally agree with you.
Each is different and unique and as such while pattern analysis is useful on a societal level to try and identify trends it adds little at a personal level where the individual relationship dynamics are what make or break relationships. That personal level dynamic will always have it's own nuances and a personal journey for those in whatever form of relationship.
Ok but somewhere in between fatalism and pure randomness lies some useful trends we can use to our advantage. We know that poor sex lives correlate highly with divorce. You are right that at the individal level, a lack of sex doesn't ensure divorce. There's that thread running where a guy says he hasn't fucked his wife for 10 years. But if you're not married and like a good bonk then it might be a good idea to set some bonking expectations with a prospective spouse. I'm always amused at how many people come on fab to bitch about their marriage and never discussed such fundamentals as bonking before they got married.
Always brief on the bonk
Seriously, i never understand how stupid you have to be in order to marry someone and then realise that one of you wants children and the other doesn't / one has a raging sex drive and the other hates it / one wants their kids to go to private schools and the other insists on state schools
I know, right?!
I wonder if it’s just stupidity or sometimes if it’s fear? I mean blind hope that all will be okay because you don’t want the possibility that this thing might not be right, I guess a lack of self worth or low self esteem meaning you hope or accept what you have, rather than believe you could find someone more compatible -
so going on in a blinkered fashion or on a high of whatever the “good” aspects are and fail to do due diligence to ascertain what the reality is.
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured."
Yes, that makes sense. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously.
But those have higher rates of divorce than first marriages, on average. I could believe that some people do learn from experience. But more people develop bad habits that inhibit progress in most their relationships. True, and of course we do not not the stats on unmarried 2nd and 3rd etc relationships.
No, i would certainly say i benefited a lot from the relationship mistakes in made before marriage. I've looked at the research about marrying young and it's very mixed. Failed marriages are higher for people who marry before 22 (i.e. minimal relationship experience) but then they start to rise again after 30. For most people there is an optimal point where they are mature, but not set in their ways - however one does not necessarily find a life partner at that time. "
I am without hope! Oh woe. |
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"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously.
But those have higher rates of divorce than first marriages, on average. I could believe that some people do learn from experience. But more people develop bad habits that inhibit progress in most their relationships. True, and of course we do not not the stats on unmarried 2nd and 3rd etc relationships.
No, i would certainly say i benefited a lot from the relationship mistakes in made before marriage. I've looked at the research about marrying young and it's very mixed. Failed marriages are higher for people who marry before 22 (i.e. minimal relationship experience) but then they start to rise again after 30. For most people there is an optimal point where they are mature, but not set in their ways - however one does not necessarily find a life partner at that time.
I am without hope! Oh woe."
41... your statistically disadvantaged. But at the individual level it really depends whether you've developed lot's of bad habits that you don't want to give up. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Not stupidity but perhaps immaturity and a blinkered view that "love conquers everything".
Relationships that start in later life (once kids have been raised and flown the nest) are quite different as we seek some same, some different things from the other person. Also we may have "learnt" from mistakes in the previous relationship.
And we have evolved and matured.
Are you referring to second marriages? I would include second ... third marriages and unmarried relationships... most of us I think take some learning away from previous relationships, whether consciously or unconsciously.
But those have higher rates of divorce than first marriages, on average. I could believe that some people do learn from experience. But more people develop bad habits that inhibit progress in most their relationships. True, and of course we do not not the stats on unmarried 2nd and 3rd etc relationships.
No, i would certainly say i benefited a lot from the relationship mistakes in made before marriage. I've looked at the research about marrying young and it's very mixed. Failed marriages are higher for people who marry before 22 (i.e. minimal relationship experience) but then they start to rise again after 30. For most people there is an optimal point where they are mature, but not set in their ways - however one does not necessarily find a life partner at that time.
I am without hope! Oh woe.
41... your statistically disadvantaged. But at the individual level it really depends whether you've developed lot's of bad habits that you don't want to give up. "
Inconceivable!  |
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"Opposite do not attract in my experience... being on different polar ends on views, thoughts, opinions etc goes no where fast."
My other half is white, Dutch and a UKIP supporter. He's a self employed heating engineer. Never married, loathes kids and never dated a woman with any. He speaks six languages, Dutch, Afrikaans, Flemish, German, French and English. He's lived all over Europe, 10 in France.
His previous girlfriends have been leggy Scandinavian types. He's 6ft 1 and looks like a cross between Jason Statham and Bruce Willis.
I'm a fat, black woman, mother of three with four grandchildren. I retired from my job as a full time trade union official. My other half refers to me as the left wing, bleeding heart, tree hugging union trouble maker.
I've not lived or worked more than eight miles from where I was born in Clapham. I've only had one previous "proper" relationship and that was with my husband.
We are the polar opposite and met on Fab four years ago...we weren't even looking for the same thing, he just commented on my profile, the fact it was written in sentences and paragraphs...it started from there.
We shouldn't work, but coming up to four years living together: Cupid has a sense of humour!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Opposite do not attract in my experience... being on different polar ends on views, thoughts, opinions etc goes no where fast.
My other half is white, Dutch and a UKIP supporter. He's a self employed heating engineer. Never married, loathes kids and never dated a woman with any. He speaks six languages, Dutch, Afrikaans, Flemish, German, French and English. He's lived all over Europe, 10 in France.
His previous girlfriends have been leggy Scandinavian types. He's 6ft 1 and looks like a cross between Jason Statham and Bruce Willis.
I'm a fat, black woman, mother of three with four grandchildren. I retired from my job as a full time trade union official. My other half refers to me as the left wing, bleeding heart, tree hugging union trouble maker.
I've not lived or worked more than eight miles from where I was born in Clapham. I've only had one previous "proper" relationship and that was with my husband.
We are the polar opposite and met on Fab four years ago...we weren't even looking for the same thing, he just commented on my profile, the fact it was written in sentences and paragraphs...it started from there.
We shouldn't work, but coming up to four years living together: Cupid has a sense of humour!
"
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"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?"
To answer the op...
1. We seldom agree on anything initially but you learn to compromise so don't see it as a sign of a bad relationship.
2. That word again: compromise. I found it hard Ben moving into my home as my daughters and I were almost anal being neat and tidy. My house looks like a branch of Toolstation. He moves my cushions etc...therapy helped.
3. See my previous post! |
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1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship… Conflict screams incompatible you both have not accept each other for what you are. Sounds like a relationship where both party are looking to change each other. Either break up or start fresh.
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes…depend you both have to always give each other space. Then again every relationship is different (kids, sex, money, family)
3. Opposites attract….No I do not believe opposite attract rather similarity
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"1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship… Conflict screams incompatible you both have not accept each other for what you are. Sounds like a relationship where both party are looking to change each other. Either break up or start fresh.
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes…depend you both have to always give each other space. Then again every relationship is different (kids, sex, money, family)
3. Opposites attract….No I do not believe opposite attract rather similarity
"
Conflict is not inherently the sign of a bad relationship. If a husband and wife are both low in agreeableness then they will have conflict. That is actually far healthier then one person high in agreeableness and one person low in it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Relationships - are the following common misconception or truths...
1. Conflict is a sign of a bad relationship
2. Cohabitation leads to better/poorer relationship outcomes
3. Opposites attract
...what do you think?
Anymore for anymore?"
1/Conflicts are the signs of a bad communication, not a bad relationship. Communication needs constant work. If that fails then yes...conflicts will happen and the relationship will go wrong.
2/ Cohabitation is different for everyone. Some couples are made for it, some aren't. There is no rule.
3/People are not magnets...what unites them is connection. This connection comes from shared values, shared visions of life, relationships, etc..
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