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Being judged by *strangers*
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think people tend to get more upset when those judgements hit upon a personal insecurity.
Although, there's also something to be said about the stranger being perceived as more objective than a friend who judges you. Maybe that perceived objectivity makes the judgement sting a bit more than it otherwise would?
I dunno. Just some thoughts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think people tend to get more upset when those judgements hit upon a personal insecurity.
Although, there's also something to be said about the stranger being perceived as more objective than a friend who judges you. Maybe that perceived objectivity makes the judgement sting a bit more than it otherwise would?
I dunno. Just some thoughts."
I think your point about strangers being more objective is very astute. |
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I don’t know so much about strangers judging .
This site is a supposedly a place where like minded people can communicate with each other and one would suppose that other swingers wouldn’t judge each other . But inevitably they do , and whether that’s because they can , or because they don’t agree with a particular trait I just don’t know .
What’s interesting is when we go to a vanilla club , or pub , and explain to potential suitors or those who ask what we do . Face to face , we get little or no judgement and these people aren’t swingers ! They will sit and chat about it , enjoy some fun with us , and don’t judge at all .....
Of course we get a few that don’t get it , and they will say so , but they don’t look down on us or give us a hard time . It’s just us doing what we do , and they probably won’t ever get it , but as I say , there’s never a negative judgemental call from anyone we talk to .
So it’s probably the case that behind a keyboard , people will behave and say things in a different way that’s they would face to face . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lot of it can stem from whether a criticism is deemed to be justified.
We have all seen threads go south because of a difference of opinion. When it starts to get personal or when the pitchforks come out for a group lynching, it is difficult to not take it personally.
My online and offline persona are virtually identical. Giving credence to the opinions of strangers is a dangerous game. If people say they like me or my profile, I feel good. If they think I'm a dick, I feel bad.
Either way, it is the opinion of strangers.... |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
I was just about to say something similar to _loswingers. What consistenly surprises me is not how upset people get with being judged, but the judgemental tosh that people post daily. One can only assume if is because they feel very brave doing so from behind the safety of their keyboard.
V x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to care but my motto is now, "What other people think of me is none of my business" . So long as I and the people I care about know I'm a good person the others can sail on. |
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"I think people tend to get more upset when those judgements hit upon a personal insecurity.
Although, there's also something to be said about the stranger being perceived as more objective than a friend who judges you. Maybe that perceived objectivity makes the judgement sting a bit more than it otherwise would?
I dunno. Just some thoughts."
I think you're right.
I don't really understand why a stranger's opinion is so important to some. If it highlights something you know to be true and can change, use it to your advantage. If not...meh! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was just about to say something similar to _loswingers. What consistenly surprises me is not how upset people get with being judged, but the judgemental tosh that people post daily. One can only assume if is because they feel very brave doing so from behind the safety of their keyboard.
V x
"
^^^  |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
"Judgment can be good too. "
The thing about making judgements is that they’re always subjective and personal. We all make judgements all the time but the definition of judgemental is to be overly critical in a non helpful way. The only time being judgemental can be positive is if it’s paired with some empathy. If you don’t understand from where that person is coming, and your opinion is based purely on a snap shot in time, then you simply cannot make a positive judgement.
V x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Judgment can be good too. "
Yep. It's something I never understand about the "don't judge" comments that pop up in life. First off, we all judge, and people are more than happy to accept good judgments (compliments, etc.).
Secondly, when a negative judgment is valid then it can lead us to be better people if we aim to change our behavior.
If a judgement is something we can't fix or is made not for the purpose of betterment, but just to be nasty, then it really isn't the judgement itself that's the problem... |
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"Judgment can be good too.
The thing about making judgements is that they’re always subjective and personal. We all make judgements all the time but the definition of judgemental is to be overly critical in a non helpful way. The only time being judgemental can be positive is if it’s paired with some empathy. If you don’t understand from where that person is coming, and your opinion is based purely on a snap shot in time, then you simply cannot make a positive judgement.
V x
"
Yeah but the question is
Why do some people get so upset when strangers judge them?
I think you can judge someone well or positively. It carries no more weight from a stranger than a negative judgement but people will pay more heed to the bad one.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do strangers feel the need to judge?
If strangers didn't feel the need to judge a stranger, then that stranger wouldn't have to be concerned about being judged by some stranger who doesn't have clue #1 about them. Because they're a stranger.
And that is the view from my lofty position of superiority, atrangers. That's how it works. |
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"Judgment can be good too.
Yep. It's something I never understand about the "don't judge" comments that pop up in life. First off, we all judge, and people are more than happy to accept good judgments (compliments, etc.).
Secondly, when a negative judgment is valid then it can lead us to be better people if we aim to change our behavior.
If a judgement is something we can't fix or is made not for the purpose of betterment, but just to be nasty, then it really isn't the judgement itself that's the problem..."
Yes!
A lot of people we don't know well judge us to be well off and posh  . Nothing could be any further from the truth but if we say that to them they don't believe us. The judgement of strangers is irrelevant really. |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
"Judgment can be good too.
The thing about making judgements is that they’re always subjective and personal. We all make judgements all the time but the definition of judgemental is to be overly critical in a non helpful way. The only time being judgemental can be positive is if it’s paired with some empathy. If you don’t understand from where that person is coming, and your opinion is based purely on a snap shot in time, then you simply cannot make a positive judgement.
V x
Yeah but the question is
Why do some people get so upset when strangers judge them?
I think you can judge someone well or positively. It carries no more weight from a stranger than a negative judgement but people will pay more heed to the bad one. "
Why do strangers feel the need to judge?
People get upset because they are human and skin comes in varying degrees of thickness.
V x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Like many others, I’m of the view where I ask why people feel the need to externally and outwardly judge others.
Unless the actions are illegal,or generally reckless, I don’t feel that it’s for me to judge the actions of others. I act in accordance with my own moral and ethical code based on my own experiences, exposures and personality. No one else views the world as I do, so I see no value in judging someone against me tainted view of the world, beauty standards or normality |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Judgment can be good too. "
Yes and often the same people who think a stranger judging them is terrible will lap up tbe compliments of a stranger.
It's human nature to judge, positively, negatively, on the shallowest and the tiniest of things and the far more significant. And the reality is judgements are far more likely to be about those we don't know as we have already judged and accepted those closer to us. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Judgment can be good too.
Yep. It's something I never understand about the "don't judge" comments that pop up in life. First off, we all judge, and people are more than happy to accept good judgments (compliments, etc.).
Secondly, when a negative judgment is valid then it can lead us to be better people if we aim to change our behavior.
If a judgement is something we can't fix or is made not for the purpose of betterment, but just to be nasty, then it really isn't the judgement itself that's the problem..."
But if someone is just being nasty surely that should affect us even less because presumably they're wrong. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think people tend to get more upset when those judgements hit upon a personal insecurity.
Although, there's also something to be said about the stranger being perceived as more objective than a friend who judges you. Maybe that perceived objectivity makes the judgement sting a bit more than it otherwise would?
I dunno. Just some thoughts."
I like this thought. Perhaps it's the fact that they've hit on some point that their friends would never dare mention but they themselves know it to be true, hence it bothers them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Judgment can be good too.
Yes and often the same people who think a stranger judging them is terrible will lap up tbe compliments of a stranger.
It's human nature to judge, positively, negatively, on the shallowest and the tiniest of things and the far more significant. And the reality is judgements are far more likely to be about those we don't know as we have already judged and accepted those closer to us."
Absolutely this. I’ll add for myself that If I’m wrong about any judgements I make I’ll happily apologise but my gut instinct is usually correct. |
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" Some think they have to get the whole world to like them, as opposed to an important few."
Yeah. One of my mum's favourite phrases is
"what will people think?"
My dad always replies
"I don't care what people think"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Life is too short to care what strangers on an internet site think.
People should just live their lives for themselves, and put their own and their loved ones happiness at the forefront.
People will always judge, no matter what, some people thrive on putting other people down, but we've found its usually just to make themselves feel better, which is sad.
A good motto regarding people's judgements of you is this......
Those who matter won't mind, and those who do mind, don't matter.
Live life for you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some people say things without thinking and so people say things to see what reaction they will get out of people.
asking people to be specific can show their motivation and if what they say is accurate then it can be used constructively.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe if a stranger judges us in some way, we think everyone judges us in the same way.
And if it’s something negative, it must have an effect on us surely? |
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"Maybe if a stranger judges us in some way, we think everyone judges us in the same way.
And if it’s something negative, it must have an effect on us surely?"
Of course it does .
I doubt anyone will take a negative comment and really not care at all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Maybe if a stranger judges us in some way, we think everyone judges us in the same way.
And if it’s something negative, it must have an effect on us surely?
Of course it does .
I doubt anyone will take a negative comment and really not care at all. "
I don’t believe those who say they don’t care. We all have feelings and emotions. They can’t be switched off that easily.
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As a social species we are primed to be influenced by others. Everyone is different - their genetic and psychological makeup plus their life history.
Normal development processes usually support us becoming more influenced by significant people but of course this will be achieved to varying degrees in each of us. It's unjust to blame someone for being naturally sensitive - I'd prefer that to someone who's highly callous.
But our motivation and context means all, when figuring someone out. Past experience and habits influence too. If someone places huge importance upon something or someone, they can become affected more readily. Perhaps unduly motivated or misunderstanding something.
Being a stranger means different things to each of us - some may have issues upon setting their boundaries - perhaps inappropriately exposed and trusting.
Others will take criticism badly because it will seem like they were misjudged - their fragile ego is perfect (in their eyes) and they're challenged. Their insecurities flare up.
There's a lot going on under the surface for many people. Whilst perhaps most have enough strength and stability, others may be touch paper waiting for the light. |
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"Maybe if a stranger judges us in some way, we think everyone judges us in the same way.
And if it’s something negative, it must have an effect on us surely?
Of course it does .
I doubt anyone will take a negative comment and really not care at all.
I don’t believe those who say they don’t care. We all have feelings and emotions. They can’t be switched off that easily.
"
Exactly this.
If someone really doesn't give a shit what someone else says about them ,stranger or otherwise then they wouldn't be human . |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I believe we are, in part, how others see us. We carry on being ourselves but the way we interact with others means we are never quite the same person for everyone.
When a stranger comments that holds up a new mirror and presents us with another view of ourselves. As others have posted this might reinforce something good, put a spotlight on something bad and give us a chance to make a change. Or not.
When it's words on a screen that gets more complicated as tone, voice and the subtle clues of body language and facial expressions are missing.
We all judge, but we don't all/always come out and share that judgement.
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"Often, it's because it has nailed an existing insecurity.
And often the insecurity is in the person who judges.
But why should that upset the subject?"
It wouldn't necessarily but people will often judge negatively because someone else displays a characteristic that they feel affects the way they think about themselves badly.
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
This is all very well but what the argument fails to recognise is that actually we don’t have the right to judge. We are not perfect. We are human, therefore we are flawed.
This is like saying the person being judged is somehow to blame. That a judgmental response is justified. It is ok that we hurt someone’s feelings because really they should man up. I do not hold with pandering to everyone’s feelings for the sake of it, but to get back on point people get upset because the harsh judgement of others can be painful. Whoever they are.
Not one of us has the given right to force our opinions on others. We can guide, coach, influence, perhaps even be brutally honest in our opinion. But until you know a person and can understand their position. Your judgement will only ever be critical. Tempered with empathy we can start to learn.
Perhaps instead of making a judgement we should practice asking a question. Sometimes we might all learn something.
V x
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is all very well but what the argument fails to recognise is that actually we don’t have the right to judge. We are not perfect. We are human, therefore we are flawed.
This is like saying the person being judged is somehow to blame. That a judgmental response is justified. It is ok that we hurt someone’s feelings because really they should man up. I do not hold with pandering to everyone’s feelings for the sake of it, but to get back on point people get upset because the harsh judgement of others can be painful. Whoever they are.
Not one of us has the given right to force our opinions on others. We can guide, coach, influence, perhaps even be brutally honest in our opinion. But until you know a person and can understand their position. Your judgement will only ever be critical. Tempered with empathy we can start to learn.
Perhaps instead of making a judgement we should practice asking a question. Sometimes we might all learn something.
V x
"
Are all judgements negative? |
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"I think people tend to get more upset when those judgements hit upon a personal insecurity.
Although, there's also something to be said about the stranger being perceived as more objective than a friend who judges you. Maybe that perceived objectivity makes the judgement sting a bit more than it otherwise would?
I dunno. Just some thoughts.
I think your point about strangers being more objective is very astute."
First impressions count. And if a stranger is judging you then its how you immediately come across that is under scrutiny. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Comsidering most of us are here to be noticed by someone (potential friends, playmates etc), not being noticed at all is perhaps worse than being judged negatively.
Maybe some people deliberately antagonise just to be judged and therefor be noticed... |
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"I'm in waffle mode this evening
I like your waffles. "
Thank you SH - I did have a resolution in 2017 to suppress it but I think it's freeform 2018.
With all my waffling, I don't take enough time to let you and others know how I much I value your musings.
Keep it up |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There another thread on the go about D/s relationships where everyone is judging people on what makes a good dom for a sub...I find the whole thing laughable as in my experience with a sub was she was never in any danger and I would believe she would admit that. .but it makes me laugh at how all communications break down over trivial things that are being made into a person being made to feel he was a danger to said person over a little misunderstanding. ...but the sub would never except any wrong doing....so yeah plenty of judging going on in there. |
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"I don’t know so much about strangers judging .
This site is a supposedly a place where like minded people can communicate with each other and one would suppose that other swingers wouldn’t judge each other . But inevitably they do , and whether that’s because they can , or because they don’t agree with a particular trait I just don’t know .
What’s interesting is when we go to a vanilla club , or pub , and explain to potential suitors or those who ask what we do . Face to face , we get little or no judgement and these people aren’t swingers ! They will sit and chat about it , enjoy some fun with us , and don’t judge at all .....
Of course we get a few that don’t get it , and they will say so , but they don’t look down on us or give us a hard time . It’s just us doing what we do , and they probably won’t ever get it , but as I say , there’s never a negative judgemental call from anyone we talk to .
So it’s probably the case that behind a keyboard , people will behave and say things in a different way that’s they would face to face ."
Absolutely spot on. #KeyboardWarrirors |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
"This is all very well but what the argument fails to recognise is that actually we don’t have the right to judge. We are not perfect. We are human, therefore we are flawed.
This is like saying the person being judged is somehow to blame. That a judgmental response is justified. It is ok that we hurt someone’s feelings because really they should man up. I do not hold with pandering to everyone’s feelings for the sake of it, but to get back on point people get upset because the harsh judgement of others can be painful. Whoever they are.
Not one of us has the given right to force our opinions on others. We can guide, coach, influence, perhaps even be brutally honest in our opinion. But until you know a person and can understand their position. Your judgement will only ever be critical. Tempered with empathy we can start to learn.
Perhaps instead of making a judgement we should practice asking a question. Sometimes we might all learn something.
V x
Are all judgements negative?"
Depends on how they are received. You may think your judgement is fair and square but someone else might not. Judgments are subjective based on the person you are and the information you have at the time. That is the case for any judgement we make.
V x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Maybe if a stranger judges us in some way, we think everyone judges us in the same way.
And if it’s something negative, it must have an effect on us surely?
Of course it does .
I doubt anyone will take a negative comment and really not care at all. "
I don't care. Even as a child I didn't react to people saying things about me. Maybe that's why I never felt I was bullied; remarks went in and out without causing pain.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After reading the “attractive / professional couple” threads which whilst not the same are similar I’d say it’s down to (some) peoples insecurities and the need to always be right in their beliefs, being “judged” goes against that.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This threads a good read.
Feel free to judge me, but until I'm stood in court, it means nothing, although I do still pay attention.
Some people are sensitive, that's the only observation I have. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is all very well but what the argument fails to recognise is that actually we don’t have the right to judge. We are not perfect. We are human, therefore we are flawed.
This is like saying the person being judged is somehow to blame. That a judgmental response is justified. It is ok that we hurt someone’s feelings because really they should man up. I do not hold with pandering to everyone’s feelings for the sake of it, but to get back on point people get upset because the harsh judgement of others can be painful. Whoever they are.
Not one of us has the given right to force our opinions on others. We can guide, coach, influence, perhaps even be brutally honest in our opinion. But until you know a person and can understand their position. Your judgement will only ever be critical. Tempered with empathy we can start to learn.
Perhaps instead of making a judgement we should practice asking a question. Sometimes we might all learn something.
V x
Are all judgements negative?
Depends on how they are received. You may think your judgement is fair and square but someone else might not. Judgments are subjective based on the person you are and the information you have at the time. That is the case for any judgement we make.
V x "
I agree. Hence the question in my OP. Their judgement may be wrong- in which case why be upset about it?
My point was that they are strangers, they don't know the person.
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By *andb69Couple
over a year ago
leeds |
"Why do some people get so upset when strangers judge them?"
Do you mean judged or negatively criticised? I have absolutely no problem with someone judging me to be attractive or sexy. I might question their judgement but certainly wouldn't object to it! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do some people get so upset when strangers judge them?
Do you mean judged or negatively criticised? I have absolutely no problem with someone judging me to be attractive or sexy. I might question their judgement but certainly wouldn't object to it! "
Either, that's why I left it open. |
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"Why do some people get so upset when strangers judge them?
Do you mean judged or negatively criticised? I have absolutely no problem with someone judging me to be attractive or sexy. I might question their judgement but certainly wouldn't object to it! "
Yes, 'judged' and 'judgemental' can be used by people who don't like anything said that goes against their way of doing things.
I agree lots of people can be judgmental, but it is also becoming a bit of a go-to phrase.
I dont subscribe to the notion that swingers would generally be less 'judgemental' than any other group of society. From what I've seen the mix of people is similar to any other random mix of people. |
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