FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Acceleration of intimacy - revisiting “To fall in love...”
Acceleration of intimacy - revisiting “To fall in love...”
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A lovely forumite told me on my return how she had loved the content in a thread I did last year as she thought it was useful self reflection tool to challenge and question. It was all about love.
The series of questions from Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions.
Here’s the thread:
To fall in love with anyone -- study
Part 1
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/570747
The full list of questions are contained in the 20th post down in the thread.
Part 2
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/571034
I thought it was time to refresh it.
In particular, are there any of the 36 questions that you think you’d struggle to answer? Or if not the questions the end activity..?
( Thank you Madame B  ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m going in
See you later. It’s a slow burn thread. But was well received.
And I’ve a follow up, for when people are refreshed on this one. "
P.S It’s lovely to see you back |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m going in
See you later. It’s a slow burn thread. But was well received.
And I’ve a follow up, for when people are refreshed on this one.
P.S It’s lovely to see you back "
Thank you, my lovely.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've read the questions,I could probably answer them with some soul searching. The last bit would leave me  though, I would break away giggling probably "
Which I guess is the point, to burst through the shy/embarrassing bit and “connect” or be exposed.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I read them all and maybe one I’d struggle to put into words the answer, but could do the last part no problem and have probably done so lots of times. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ll be right back...
It’s a long read! 
Is the answer, I love anyone that wants to suck my cock? 
I wish I’d read this 20 minutes ago  "
Actually, that’s nonsense, it brought back a lot of really interesting memories. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I read them all and maybe one I’d struggle to put into words the answer, but could do the last part no problem and have probably done so lots of times. X "
Care to share which one? (Please don’t worry, if you’d rather not) — and good on you, I think it feels a lot longer than I would normally do and I’m usually okay with eye contact.   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've read the questions,I could probably answer them with some soul searching. The last bit would leave me though, I would break away giggling probably
Which I guess is the point, to burst through the shy/embarrassing bit and “connect” or be exposed.
"
This last part seems incredibly intimate. Exciting. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ll be right back...
It’s a long read!
Is the answer, I love anyone that wants to suck my cock?
I wish I’d read this 20 minutes ago
Actually, that’s nonsense, it brought back a lot of really interesting memories. "
For me too. It was a happy place. Good memories. I was so touched to be reminded of it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've read the questions,I could probably answer them with some soul searching. The last bit would leave me though, I would break away giggling probably
Which I guess is the point, to burst through the shy/embarrassing bit and “connect” or be exposed.
This last part seems incredibly intimate. Exciting. "
And imagine doing it after sharing all the answers first. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested? "
Meeeeee!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
Meeeeee!!!!"
Nods. Okay. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested? "
Oh yeah, me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
Oh yeah, me "
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I read them all and maybe one I’d struggle to put into words the answer, but could do the last part no problem and have probably done so lots of times. X
Care to share which one? (Please don’t worry, if you’d rather not) — and good on you, I think it feels a lot longer than I would normally do and I’m usually okay with eye contact. "
It was the question about my relationship with my mom, it’s complicated. And yes it does seem a long time I wouldn’t have done it with my ex but this time it seems easy now with mr x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I read them all and maybe one I’d struggle to put into words the answer, but could do the last part no problem and have probably done so lots of times. X
Care to share which one? (Please don’t worry, if you’d rather not) — and good on you, I think it feels a lot longer than I would normally do and I’m usually okay with eye contact.
It was the question about my relationship with my mom, it’s complicated. And yes it does seem a long time I wouldn’t have done it with my ex but this time it seems easy now with mr x "
Awww, yes that makes sense.
And surely that’s testament to how right Mr is for you....?! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I read them all and maybe one I’d struggle to put into words the answer, but could do the last part no problem and have probably done so lots of times. X
Care to share which one? (Please don’t worry, if you’d rather not) — and good on you, I think it feels a lot longer than I would normally do and I’m usually okay with eye contact.
It was the question about my relationship with my mom, it’s complicated. And yes it does seem a long time I wouldn’t have done it with my ex but this time it seems easy now with mr x
Awww, yes that makes sense.
And surely that’s testament to how right Mr is for you....?! "
Yes, that’s true x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just been and read the entire thread and the questions.
I think probably for me the hardest to answer would the the last 3 or 4 questions which are realky about loss...
And to sit with in moving eye contact for that length of time it would feel like I was trying to let someone look into my soul or allowing them to look into mine.
That both a strangely erotic and exciting thought and at the same time one that feels a little terrifying...
I think it would take a special kind of relationship to be able to do that with any one... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Just been and read the entire thread and the questions.
I think probably for me the hardest to answer would the the last 3 or 4 questions which are realky about loss...
And to sit with in moving eye contact for that length of time it would feel like I was trying to let someone look into my soul or allowing them to look into mine.
That both a strangely erotic and exciting thought and at the same time one that feels a little terrifying...
I think it would take a special kind of relationship to be able to do that with any one..."
Agreed, but does the engagement in the experiment fuel the intimate connection that from the outside we judge gosh, that’s a bit too intimate?! |
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested? "
I'd love to take part |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
I'd love to take part "
I’m making a list. This shall be a 2018 orchestration - |
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
I'd love to take part
I’m making a list. This shall be a 2018 orchestration - "
Are you checking it twice |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
I'd love to take part
I’m making a list. This shall be a 2018 orchestration -
Are you checking it twice "
In what way? |
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"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
I'd love to take part
I’m making a list. This shall be a 2018 orchestration -
Are you checking it twice
In what way?"
Christmas irony... Sorry |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I would like to organise a group social where I’ve arranged this set up, for willing single fab users to have a go at.
Much like in the video of Seafret’s song which uses the experiment as it’s premise:
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
Who’s interested?
I'd love to take part
I’m making a list. This shall be a 2018 orchestration -
Are you checking it twice
In what way?
Christmas irony... Sorry "
Ahhh gotcha!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Just been and read the entire thread and the questions.
I think probably for me the hardest to answer would the the last 3 or 4 questions which are realky about loss...
And to sit with in moving eye contact for that length of time it would feel like I was trying to let someone look into my soul or allowing them to look into mine.
That both a strangely erotic and exciting thought and at the same time one that feels a little terrifying...
I think it would take a special kind of relationship to be able to do that with any one...
Agreed, but does the engagement in the experiment fuel the intimate connection that from the outside we judge gosh, that’s a bit too intimate?! "
Personally I think it would be an easier thing to do with a person I already had either some relationship or hope of a relationship with rather than a total stranger.
I think some questions require a level of intimacy and trust before they could be answered with total honesty rather than at a superficial level which fab often operates on. And perhaps the level of intimacy required to both be that open .... and then to just sit silent eyes locked for an extended period may develop into self meditation/reflection or possibly an inate wariness of feeling examined by another.
The dynamic may change depending on who the process was carried out with and the nature of the relationship. For example to gaze into a livers eyes for an extended period would feel far less difficult although msybe more exposed than with a complete stranger. And if done with someone close perhaps a lightness or ability to smile or laugh st the process may reduce the feelings of exposure when compared to the same actions with a stranger.
Perhaps the level of intimacy us mot generated by the exercise nut by the relationships of those taking part...
Could it be too intimate....maybe. I think if I was to do this I would prefer it to be someone I knew felt I could trust and be that open with rather than in a sterile academic environment.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Just been and read the entire thread and the questions.
I think probably for me the hardest to answer would the the last 3 or 4 questions which are realky about loss...
And to sit with in moving eye contact for that length of time it would feel like I was trying to let someone look into my soul or allowing them to look into mine.
That both a strangely erotic and exciting thought and at the same time one that feels a little terrifying...
I think it would take a special kind of relationship to be able to do that with any one...
Agreed, but does the engagement in the experiment fuel the intimate connection that from the outside we judge gosh, that’s a bit too intimate?!
Personally I think it would be an easier thing to do with a person I already had either some relationship or hope of a relationship with rather than a total stranger.
I think some questions require a level of intimacy and trust before they could be answered with total honesty rather than at a superficial level which fab often operates on. And perhaps the level of intimacy required to both be that open .... and then to just sit silent eyes locked for an extended period may develop into self meditation/reflection or possibly an inate wariness of feeling examined by another.
The dynamic may change depending on who the process was carried out with and the nature of the relationship. For example to gaze into a livers eyes for an extended period would feel far less difficult although msybe more exposed than with a complete stranger. And if done with someone close perhaps a lightness or ability to smile or laugh st the process may reduce the feelings of exposure when compared to the same actions with a stranger.
Perhaps the level of intimacy us mot generated by the exercise nut by the relationships of those taking part...
Could it be too intimate....maybe. I think if I was to do this I would prefer it to be someone I knew felt I could trust and be that open with rather than in a sterile academic environment.."
Of course it would be easier with someone you already were connected with! That’s not the experiment!
And it’s interesting, where have you decided the environment is sterile and academic?
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Just been and read the entire thread and the questions.
I think probably for me the hardest to answer would the the last 3 or 4 questions which are realky about loss...
And to sit with in moving eye contact for that length of time it would feel like I was trying to let someone look into my soul or allowing them to look into mine.
That both a strangely erotic and exciting thought and at the same time one that feels a little terrifying...
I think it would take a special kind of relationship to be able to do that with any one...
Agreed, but does the engagement in the experiment fuel the intimate connection that from the outside we judge gosh, that’s a bit too intimate?!
Personally I think it would be an easier thing to do with a person I already had either some relationship or hope of a relationship with rather than a total stranger.
I think some questions require a level of intimacy and trust before they could be answered with total honesty rather than at a superficial level which fab often operates on. And perhaps the level of intimacy required to both be that open .... and then to just sit silent eyes locked for an extended period may develop into self meditation/reflection or possibly an inate wariness of feeling examined by another.
The dynamic may change depending on who the process was carried out with and the nature of the relationship. For example to gaze into a livers eyes for an extended period would feel far less difficult although msybe more exposed than with a complete stranger. And if done with someone close perhaps a lightness or ability to smile or laugh st the process may reduce the feelings of exposure when compared to the same actions with a stranger.
Perhaps the level of intimacy us mot generated by the exercise nut by the relationships of those taking part...
Could it be too intimate....maybe. I think if I was to do this I would prefer it to be someone I knew felt I could trust and be that open with rather than in a sterile academic environment..
Of course it would be easier with someone you already were connected with! That’s not the experiment!
And it’s interesting, where have you decided the environment is sterile and academic?
"
Perhaps sterile and academic are the wrong choice of words but we're picked more to demonstrate the differing dynamics.
I'm still undecided on the taking part... hence my answer. It is worth thinking about furthet. I may just watch the thread develop and consider my position |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if I was to do this I would prefer it to be someone I knew felt I could trust and be that open with rather than in a sterile academic environment..
Of course it would be easier with someone you already were connected with! That’s not the experiment!
And it’s interesting, where have you decided the environment is sterile and academic?
Perhaps sterile and academic are the wrong choice of words but we're picked more to demonstrate the differing dynamics.
I'm still undecided on the taking part... hence my answer. It is worth thinking about furthet. I may just watch the thread develop and consider my position "
Ah I see, sorry didn’t realise you were replying to the “taking part” or not aspect — I was answering in terms of the origin of the experiment! No, absolutely don’t take part if you’d not be comfortable! I’m not experimenting on people, I just thought it’d be an engaging and different style gathering for a social but obviously wouldn’t appeal to all, not in the slightest!!
And they’re still brilliant questions/activity to partake in with people close to you already whether platonic or romantic!
Quote from the study:
“One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship amongst peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure.” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think if I was to do this I would prefer it to be someone I knew felt I could trust and be that open with rather than in a sterile academic environment..
Of course it would be easier with someone you already were connected with! That’s not the experiment!
And it’s interesting, where have you decided the environment is sterile and academic?
Perhaps sterile and academic are the wrong choice of words but we're picked more to demonstrate the differing dynamics.
I'm still undecided on the taking part... hence my answer. It is worth thinking about furthet. I may just watch the thread develop and consider my position
Ah I see, sorry didn’t realise you were replying to the “taking part” or not aspect — I was answering in terms of the origin of the experiment! No, absolutely don’t take part if you’d not be comfortable! I’m not experimenting on people, I just thought it’d be an engaging and different style gathering for a social but obviously wouldn’t appeal to all, not in the slightest!!
And they’re still brilliant questions/activity to partake in with people close to you already whether platonic or romantic!
Quote from the study:
“One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship amongst peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure.”"
I think the concept of the study and the acceleration of falling in love are worth more study but wonder if accelerating love is to push to hard at a door that can open slowly...or hit you like a Thunderclap.
Your quote from the study suggests something organic developmental and a desire to be open to another and hopefully reciprocated.
A process of deepening a relationship as it grows. I wonder if that is more often the natural outcome of an initial...something intangible... that creates the need to explore and grow the connection on an ever deepening basis? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think to answer these questions truthfully to a complete stranger would be very exposing. I’d have no issues doing it with a trusted friend - I’m pretty much an open book there. However a complete unknown? I definitely wouldn’t be able to confide. At the end I probably wouldn’t even be able to make eye contact let alone maintain it.
I need a rum after all that contemplation. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if I was to do this I would prefer it to be someone I knew felt I could trust and be that open with rather than in a sterile academic environment..
Of course it would be easier with someone you already were connected with! That’s not the experiment!
And it’s interesting, where have you decided the environment is sterile and academic?
Perhaps sterile and academic are the wrong choice of words but we're picked more to demonstrate the differing dynamics.
I'm still undecided on the taking part... hence my answer. It is worth thinking about furthet. I may just watch the thread develop and consider my position
Ah I see, sorry didn’t realise you were replying to the “taking part” or not aspect — I was answering in terms of the origin of the experiment! No, absolutely don’t take part if you’d not be comfortable! I’m not experimenting on people, I just thought it’d be an engaging and different style gathering for a social but obviously wouldn’t appeal to all, not in the slightest!!
And they’re still brilliant questions/activity to partake in with people close to you already whether platonic or romantic!
Quote from the study:
“One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship amongst peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure.”
I think the concept of the study and the acceleration of falling in love are worth more study but wonder if accelerating love is to push to hard at a door that can open slowly...or hit you like a Thunderclap.
Your quote from the study suggests something organic developmental and a desire to be open to another and hopefully reciprocated.
A process of deepening a relationship as it grows. I wonder if that is more often the natural outcome of an initial...something intangible... that creates the need to explore and grow the connection on an ever deepening basis?"
I don’t think that’s being negated, though. It’s analysing the practical processes of the natural cycle of deepening intimacies (the organic getting to know and trust someone) in order to orchestrate an experiment to test what the factors are (there’s more detail in the report) and see if there’s a step by step accelerator to increase the development of intimacy/connection. The quote sampled fits both scenarios, it’s the results of the experiment, people engaged willingly in the process, and again more detail in the report, so it fits the model that you’re suggesting it perhaps doesn’t, in many ways.
Is it a quick fix? It’s not suggesting that! It’s isolating what works naturally and demonstrates that deeper connect happens (using the full context of the experiment) - does everyone fall in love? Goodness no, it’s not at any point saying that, that is the X factor extra, but some people did in the experiment who were previously strangers. And all felt a deeper connection, how could you not? But yes, a desire to be involved and a prior expectation was created that the other person would like (be positive/open to) their partner and each were matched with partners who had agreement in attitudinal issues of importance to them - so there’s more to it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think increasing knowledge of another via disclosure, even a certain intimate knowledge, can accelerate love happening if it is not going to."
It’s not about creating love. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think to answer these questions truthfully to a complete stranger would be very exposing. I’d have no issues doing it with a trusted friend - I’m pretty much an open book there. However a complete unknown? I definitely wouldn’t be able to confide. At the end I probably wouldn’t even be able to make eye contact let alone maintain it.
I need a rum after all that contemplation. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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To clarify, the experiment is about interpersonal closeness. The article/report only references the experiment, the article discusses falling in love.
I think these are being conflated, causing confusion. |
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"I don't think increasing knowledge of another via disclosure, even a certain intimate knowledge, can accelerate love happening if it is not going to.
It’s not about creating love.
"
Ah well that's OK then! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think increasing knowledge of another via disclosure, even a certain intimate knowledge, can accelerate love happening if it is not going to.
It’s not about creating love.
Ah well that's OK then! "
Mandy used the experiment basis to try out herself if she would fall in love with someone using it.
Funny thing is, she did. |
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By *adame BWoman
over a year ago
C'est moi Boudoir |
"A lovely forumite told me on my return how she had loved the content in a thread I did last year as she thought it was useful self reflection tool to challenge and question. It was all about love.
The series of questions from Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions.
Here’s the thread:
To fall in love with anyone -- study
Part 1
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/570747
The full list of questions are contained in the 20th post down in the thread.
Part 2
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/571034
I thought it was time to refresh it.
In particular, are there any of the 36 questions that you think you’d struggle to answer? Or if not the questions the end activity..?
( Thank you Madame B )"
Aww bless you, you gorgeous lady xx
This, from your first posting of it, has had an affect...be it in small or profound ways.
While I have since had an instantaneous connection on a first date...which is still ongoing 6 months later, I have also had some of the most amazing conversations with complete stranger's and come away feeling like I am leaving a friend while knowing the likelihood of our paths crossing again is extremely low but feel all the better for having shared a decent moment in their company.
Thank you Estella so much for the repost.
Madame B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A lovely forumite told me on my return how she had loved the content in a thread I did last year as she thought it was useful self reflection tool to challenge and question. It was all about love.
The series of questions from Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions.
Here’s the thread:
To fall in love with anyone -- study
Part 1
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/570747
The full list of questions are contained in the 20th post down in the thread.
Part 2
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/571034
I thought it was time to refresh it.
In particular, are there any of the 36 questions that you think you’d struggle to answer? Or if not the questions the end activity..?
( Thank you Madame B )
Aww bless you, you gorgeous lady xx
This, from your first posting of it, has had an affect...be it in small or profound ways.
While I have since had an instantaneous connection on a first date...which is still ongoing 6 months later, I have also had some of the most amazing conversations with complete stranger's and come away feeling like I am leaving a friend while knowing the likelihood of our paths crossing again is extremely low but feel all the better for having shared a decent moment in their company.
Thank you Estella so much for the repost.
Madame B "
And your message telling me about this, was incredibly serendipitous for me too. |
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