FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Cheaters - To tell or not to tell?
Cheaters - To tell or not to tell?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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On another post topic i noticed how many Forumites thought it was right to tell the spouse of a member they were on here cheating. I am not comfortable with this so wanted some more views.
If it is right to tell the husband or wife of a total stranger their partner is trying to cheat on them, with all the pain and suffering that brings to their family, then where does this civic duty end?
Should you tell all the local shops your neighbour is in financial difficulties?
Should you put on Facebook that the family accross the street are having struggling with their teenage daughter's slutty behaviour?
That the single mother round the corner is a sex worker?
That the social worker living opposite is an alcoholic?
That the man down the road has been made redundant but has told not yet anyone?
For me this is a private matter. If it is someone I know and care about then I may tell them and try and help after, but tell a total stranger and walk away??? I would feel bad being the bearer of such devastating news but many on Fab think it is absolutely fine.
So, is the desire to punish a "cheater" they have often never met so overpowering in some people that they are happily prepared to be the one to throw in the bomb that rips a family apart? How do they justify being the one to cause the pain. Is it because they have been cheated on and want others to share their pain? Or a view from the high moral ground?
Your thoughts please... 
(This is not about me so try not to attack me. Try to discuss the question please.) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You have just 'hit the nail' on what bothers me the most about some people on fab... The moral high ground often adopted and hypocrisy of people involved in something that general society considers sordid or immoral and yet who are very quick to condemn activites they do not agree with and strangers of whom they have no inkling of what is going on in their personal circumstances...  |
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By *wisted2000Woman
over a year ago
under my rock cleethorpes |
It depends on who and if I know/care about them, a random person here and it’s not my place to get involved, a good friend and yes I’d tell them, it’s better for them to know in the long term |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't get involved. You don't know the people involved, any context or background to their relationship, or any other contributing factors in their decision to join the site. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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depends who it is for me..unless it was a close friend then no..but if it was a really good friend, then i would...as i would expect them to do the same for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Would I get involved no. But the stuff you listed in you opening thread are a big difference from someone cheating. The things you listed don’t involve someone else getting hurt. ie Someone having a slutty daughter isnt going to hurt anyone. By cheating your risking hurting everyone close to you. Does the person deserve to know there being cheated on yes they do. Is it for some Total stranger off a swingers site to do it no not if there not involved then why involve themselves unless they just love drama |
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I wouldnt go out of my way to tell ,however if like the post you mean ,i was contacted by someones wife and hadnt known about them,then yes i would tell them.
The man didnt think/care about dragging her into all his lies etc.
Someones debt etc has no bearing on how I live my life,so wouldnt feel the need to disclose it.
I think it depends on how something impacts a person.
Miss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"On another post topic i noticed how many Forumites thought it was right to tell the spouse of a member they were on here cheating. I am not comfortable with this so wanted some more views.
If it is right to tell the husband or wife of a total stranger their partner is trying to cheat on them, with all the pain and suffering that brings to their family, then where does this civic duty end?
Should you tell all the local shops your neighbour is in financial difficulties?
Should you put on Facebook that the family accross the street are having struggling with their teenage daughter's slutty behaviour?
That the single mother round the corner is a sex worker?
That the social worker living opposite is an alcoholic?
That the man down the road has been made redundant but has told not yet anyone?
For me this is a private matter. If it is someone I know and care about then I may tell them and try and help after, but tell a total stranger and walk away??? I would feel bad being the bearer of such devastating news but many on Fab think it is absolutely fine.
So, is the desire to punish a "cheater" they have often never met so overpowering in some people that they are happily prepared to be the one to throw in the bomb that rips a family apart? How do they justify being the one to cause the pain. Is it because they have been cheated on and want others to share their pain? Or a view from the high moral ground?
Your thoughts please...
(This is not about me so try not to attack me. Try to discuss the question please.) "
I wouldn't go out of my way to tell a stranger, but if that stranger came to me then I'd respond accordingly to her questions eg: I found out X was married during dinner, so i then walked away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"On another post topic i noticed how many Forumites thought it was right to tell the spouse of a member they were on here cheating. I am not comfortable with this so wanted some more views.
If it is right to tell the husband or wife of a total stranger their partner is trying to cheat on them, with all the pain and suffering that brings to their family, then where does this civic duty end?
Should you tell all the local shops your neighbour is in financial difficulties?
Should you put on Facebook that the family accross the street are having struggling with their teenage daughter's slutty behaviour?
That the single mother round the corner is a sex worker?
That the social worker living opposite is an alcoholic?
That the man down the road has been made redundant but has told not yet anyone?
For me this is a private matter. If it is someone I know and care about then I may tell them and try and help after, but tell a total stranger and walk away??? I would feel bad being the bearer of such devastating news but many on Fab think it is absolutely fine.
So, is the desire to punish a "cheater" they have often never met so overpowering in some people that they are happily prepared to be the one to throw in the bomb that rips a family apart? How do they justify being the one to cause the pain. Is it because they have been cheated on and want others to share their pain? Or a view from the high moral ground?
Your thoughts please...
(This is not about me so try not to attack me. Try to discuss the question please.)
I wouldn't go out of my way to tell a stranger, but if that stranger came to me then I'd respond accordingly to her questions eg: I found out X was married during dinner, so i then walked away."
I've never knowingly met a cheater. However, i met one, from FL who finally revealed that he was still married, and it was over dinner. He was surprised when I told him it would go no further.
I wasn't ever contacted by the wife - fortunately for him. |
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"On another post topic i noticed how many Forumites thought it was right to tell the spouse of a member they were on here cheating. I am not comfortable with this so wanted some more views.
If it is right to tell the husband or wife of a total stranger their partner is trying to cheat on them, with all the pain and suffering that brings to their family, then where does this civic duty end?
Should you tell all the local shops your neighbour is in financial difficulties?
Should you put on Facebook that the family accross the street are having struggling with their teenage daughter's slutty behaviour?
That the single mother round the corner is a sex worker?
That the social worker living opposite is an alcoholic?
That the man down the road has been made redundant but has told not yet anyone?
For me this is a private matter. If it is someone I know and care about then I may tell them and try and help after, but tell a total stranger and walk away??? I would feel bad being the bearer of such devastating news but many on Fab think it is absolutely fine.
So, is the desire to punish a "cheater" they have often never met so overpowering in some people that they are happily prepared to be the one to throw in the bomb that rips a family apart? How do they justify being the one to cause the pain. Is it because they have been cheated on and want others to share their pain? Or a view from the high moral ground?
Your thoughts please...
(This is not about me so try not to attack me. Try to discuss the question please.)
I wouldn't go out of my way to tell a stranger, but if that stranger came to me then I'd respond accordingly to her questions eg: I found out X was married during dinner, so i then walked away.
I've never knowingly met a cheater. However, i met one, from FL who finally revealed that he was still married, and it was over dinner. He was surprised when I told him it would go no further.
I wasn't ever contacted by the wife - fortunately for him."
Thats v different from the people who are trying to suggest that people gleefully contact someones partner ,to tell them they are cheats.
If the cheater hides their status and the other person gets an angry call from their wife/hubby,why should they cover for them?. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’d say best thing is to keep out of other people’s business. If u know the person cheating or doing wrong maybe have a word with him/her but not go running to the partner |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I turned it the other way... How would I feel if I found out a few friends knew my partner was cheating on me and didn't tell me? How would I feel if some of them were enjoying her company? If i found out she was on FAB and i knew some friends were on FAB and nit told me about her activities I might easily assume they had fucked her it at least tried. If this was the scenario would most of us still say they would not tell? I read earlier I that someone wouldn't tell because it would most likely breakup the couple and family. I think them deciding to fuck others already started that and it'll happen anyway. Probably with more devastating results if it went on for longer time. Think its worse for the kids to find out that their mother or father was fucking others as a life style rather thana single affai while pretending to be a loving mother or father to them and partner to the other parent.
Just trying to see another side that most are over looking. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I turned it the other way... How would I feel if I found out a few friends knew my partner was cheating on me and didn't tell me? How would I feel if some of them were enjoying her company? If i found out she was on FAB and i knew some friends were on FAB and nit told me about her activities I might easily assume they had fucked her it at least tried. If this was the scenario would most of us still say they would not tell? I read earlier I that someone wouldn't tell because it would most likely breakup the couple and family. I think them deciding to fuck others already started that and it'll happen anyway. Probably with more devastating results if it went on for longer time. Think its worse for the kids to find out that their mother or father was fucking others as a life style rather thana single affai while pretending to be a loving mother or father to them and partner to the other parent.
Just trying to see another side that most are over looking."
I would hope if it came to that the kids wouldn't need to find out the details of their parents split. There is no reason for them to have too and be made to feel that way about a parent.
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I have posted on facebook.
"There is a swingers party in town tonight, so if your hubby/wife has gone missing tonight they are probably cheating on you"
But only if the party is publicly advertised. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would only tell their partner if I knew them or if the partner got in contact with me and asked.
I don't like cheating so I won't meet with anyone who was but if they lied and said they were single and then their partner asked me I would be honest with them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have posted on facebook.
"There is a swingers party in town tonight, so if your hubby/wife has gone missing tonight they are probably cheating on you"
But only if the party is publicly advertised."
But why though? It's not your business to do that.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No it’s not our place to do it not judge. Unless they are committing a criminal act."
This 
Too many nosy fuckers out there!
Unless my intervening your saving someone's life etc then don't.
If someone is cheating then let them sort it out! |
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Not my monkeys, not my circus!
It's not my place to judge people on here, how they chose to live their lives, there may well be factors I know nothing about.
So no, I'd be staying well put of it.
A good real life friend though.. Then yes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What my playmates are up to in their home lives isn't any of my business or for me to interfere in. I know a lot of people on the scene with partners who dont know what they are up to. However, if a wife/partner phones me up asking questions, I will not lie for men and cover up for them. I make this clear to all men I see, even those proclaiming to be single. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Think its worse for the kids to find out that their mother or father was fucking others as a life style rather thana single affai while pretending to be a loving mother or father to them ."
Wow wow and wow again!!!!!
Why the hell would they be "pretending to be a loving parent"? I can't see what having an affair or sex with multiple partners has anything to do with not loving you're children??? They might not love their partner but not loving their children wtf?
Anyway, it's none of my business!! In fact I had this at the weekend.
Had been chatting to a guy via kik. No plans to meet at all as the distance was to big but we'd hit it off and was just chatting. Get a message at some ungodly hour from what appeared to be his wife (didn't know he was married, could also have just been a weirdo?). A shed load of abuse to which I didn't respond. Just blocked the contact. None of my business!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Here's a lesson learnt.
I walked into a local restaurant with my bf a few months ago.In there was my friends bf sat at the back of the room with another girl and they was all over each other.He didn't notice me at first until my bf walked past them and said hello to him.He turned to look in my direction and it was like he had just seen a ghost as he went white and instantly stood up and told her they was leaving.
He walked past me and never said a word and tryed to hide his face even though I had already seen him.
I sat there thinking do i tell my friend or not? Then i thought i think she woukd tell me if it was roles revervsed and i would want to know so i called her and told her what I had just seen.
He kept trying to lie his way out of it but he finally admited to having a affair with a girl he worked with so my friend kicked him out.
Weeks later when the dust had settled she forgived him and they got back together.She also sent me a message saying not to contact her again and to stay out of her business.She blocked my number and I've not spoken to her since.
So the lesson I've learnt is even though you think your doing the right thing sometimes it's best not to get involved in other people's business as it will always come back to you being the bad one even if you have done nothing wrong x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Has anyone ever heard of the concept of shoot the messenger.
And as for making public semi public or allowing children to be hurt forced to take sides or being made aware of what happens in a relationship failing or otherwise where the private activities of the parents are no one's business but their own...i think I'm lost for words.
Our children are the most precious thing in our lives. To use them or put them in a position in any way that causes hurt or pain or conflict to them is to me completely unforgivable.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This site is surely about having fun!
How much detail do you want to know about the person you are meeting?
I am on here for pure escapism, not concerned about the in’s and out’s of someone’s life.
If you have particular likes and dislikes, they should be respected and not abused.
You take responsibility for your own actions and should not be judged on your reasons for being on here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"On another post topic i noticed how many Forumites thought it was right to tell the spouse of a member they were on here cheating. I am not comfortable with this so wanted some more views.
If it is right to tell the husband or wife of a total stranger their partner is trying to cheat on them, with all the pain and suffering that brings to their family, then where does this civic duty end?
Should you tell all the local shops your neighbour is in financial difficulties?
Should you put on Facebook that the family accross the street are having struggling with their teenage daughter's slutty behaviour?
That the single mother round the corner is a sex worker?
That the social worker living opposite is an alcoholic?
That the man down the road has been made redundant but has told not yet anyone?
For me this is a private matter. If it is someone I know and care about then I may tell them and try and help after, but tell a total stranger and walk away??? I would feel bad being the bearer of such devastating news but many on Fab think it is absolutely fine.
So, is the desire to punish a "cheater" they have often never met so overpowering in some people that they are happily prepared to be the one to throw in the bomb that rips a family apart? How do they justify being the one to cause the pain. Is it because they have been cheated on and want others to share their pain? Or a view from the high moral ground?
Your thoughts please...
(This is not about me so try not to attack me. Try to discuss the question please.) "
its none of our business if he or she wants to cheat ,we can make a judgement if directly unkniwingly involved but either way I certainly would never kiss and tell |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"depends who it is for me..unless it was a close friend then no..but if it was a really good friend, then i would...as i would expect them to do the same for me."
I did that to a really good friend some years ago and she didn't believe me ... until she found out for herself.
Sadly our friendship was never the same again so I would keep out of it all the time  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Defiantly keep your own business to yourself, and let fate unfold anyone else's personal affairs on there own. You don't need to be the harbinger of doom, if the Cheater is in the wrong for possibly bringing pain and disdain to the journey of life they are traveling through. Who are you to throw a spanner in the works and create discomfort.
What's even funnier is the person on one hand creating drama over somthing they feel so strong about. Is probleys fucking or has fucked another attached person in the other....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel very strongly about people on a basically anonymous site standing in moral judgement on people that they barely know.Most would consider me a cheat, as I'm married. Nobody knows my situation, let alone strangers who dont even give up their own names, so how can they get so righteous.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that swingers do not abide by 'regular' sexual and moral rules ( to quote Jane Austen) |
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Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors. "
Biggest possible betrayal!?!?!? I can think of much worse , very very harsh analysis especially when you couldn’t possibly know there situation. Such harsh words man |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors. "
Wow. Biggest possible betrayal cowardly?...
Sweeping generalisation and condemnation of anyone who doesn't meet your ideals or standards perhaps?
May I suggest you are fully entitled to your opinions others are entitled not to agree with them. But to consider your opinions to be valid than those whose lives you can never possibly know is maybe just a tad judgemental.
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I generally don't think that it is right to assume that as an outsider, I know what is in the best interests of other people's relationships, including informing someone that their partner is possibly cheating. |
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No. People should mind their own business. Sad , bored, interfering morons who get a hard on trying to steer other peoples moral compasses.
P.S. I hate cheats and liars .... but i've got a life to live I don't want to live theirs. |
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"Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors. "
I’m glad you have never had to be in a situation where you can’t just leave, where there is no making an agreement, where walking away could tear apart the very fabric of all you have worked for or put you at serious risk.
It may not be good for anyone but sometimes the options aren’t as black and white as people seem to think. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors.
I’m glad you have never had to be in a situation where you can’t just leave, where there is no making an agreement, where walking away could tear apart the very fabric of all you have worked for or put you at serious risk.
It may not be good for anyone but sometimes the options aren’t as black and white as people seem to think."
What they said |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors.
I’m glad you have never had to be in a situation where you can’t just leave, where there is no making an agreement, where walking away could tear apart the very fabric of all you have worked for or put you at serious risk.
It may not be good for anyone but sometimes the options aren’t as black and white as people seem to think.
What they said "
Ditto.
Some things just have their own time |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Would I get involved no. But the stuff you listed in you opening thread are a big difference from someone cheating. The things you listed don’t involve someone else getting hurt. ie Someone having a slutty daughter isnt going to hurt anyone. By cheating your risking hurting everyone close to you. Does the person deserve to know there being cheated on yes they do. Is it for some Total stranger off a swingers site to do it no not if there not involved then why involve themselves unless they just love drama "
I do see a parallel in the other examples. By breaking confidence you are hurting the innocent as you try to hurt the "guilty". The naughty teenager (guilty) may only be known to the parents but by making it public you are hurting the psrents and relatives in public. Similar to the spouse being cheated on. Is that clear?  |
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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago
Best Greggs in Cheshire East |
"Would I get involved no. But the stuff you listed in you opening thread are a big difference from someone cheating. The things you listed don’t involve someone else getting hurt. ie Someone having a slutty daughter isnt going to hurt anyone."
Wrong.
All the scenarios listed in the OP could involve others getting hurt if people where to start gossiping. There is no difference. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I turned it the other way... How would I feel if I found out a few friends knew my partner was cheating on me and didn't tell me? How would I feel if some of them were enjoying her company? If i found out she was on FAB and i knew some friends were on FAB and nit told me about her activities I might easily assume they had fucked her it at least tried. If this was the scenario would most of us still say they would not tell? I read earlier I that someone wouldn't tell because it would most likely breakup the couple and family. I think them deciding to fuck others already started that and it'll happen anyway. Probably with more devastating results if it went on for longer time. Think its worse for the kids to find out that their mother or father was fucking others as a life style rather thana single affai while pretending to be a loving mother or father to them and partner to the other parent.
Just trying to see another side that most are over looking.
I would hope if it came to that the kids wouldn't need to find out the details of their parents split. There is no reason for them to have too and be made to feel that way about a parent.
"
I agree but the reality is they will sometime. Interesting reading the way most responses to this would seem to shift the blame on the one who let the cat out of the bag. However few seem to infer that the choice was made to cheat...and remember it is a choice and as such the responsibility for the cat getting out is with the one who who put the cat in the bag in the first place because that cat WILL get out sometime..either by a no the lie or slip up or by someone helping it out. Anyone who thinks they're also innocently of helping it by playing with a cheater isn't fooling anyone other than themselves....they're creating it their business by getting involved. The more they play away the more chances of causing a family bteakup. I met someone who was married...the more i found out about their home situation the more concerned i became about the safety of that other partner if he found out...and that's more common on here than wed like to believe unfortunately. I could say its none of my business what they do, bit as soon as i meet them I've also chosen to make it my business and become party to a potential family break up or worse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Would I get involved no. But the stuff you listed in you opening thread are a big difference from someone cheating. The things you listed don’t involve someone else getting hurt. ie Someone having a slutty daughter isnt going to hurt anyone. By cheating your risking hurting everyone close to you. Does the person deserve to know there being cheated on yes they do. Is it for some Total stranger off a swingers site to do it no not if there not involved then why involve themselves unless they just love drama
I do see a parallel in the other examples. By breaking confidence you are hurting the innocent as you try to hurt the "guilty". The naughty teenager (guilty) may only be known to the parents but by making it public you are hurting the psrents and relatives in public. Similar to the spouse being cheated on. Is that clear? "
That parent has already hurt that teenager.....just because they font know doesn't mean the trust has not already been broken. (If i steal or lie without anyone finding does it mean.its not happened? Of course not its absurd to suggest otherwise. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I turned it the other way... How would I feel if I found out a few friends knew my partner was cheating on me and didn't tell me? How would I feel if some of them were enjoying her company? If i found out she was on FAB and i knew some friends were on FAB and nit told me about her activities I might easily assume they had fucked her it at least tried. If this was the scenario would most of us still say they would not tell? I read earlier I that someone wouldn't tell because it would most likely breakup the couple and family. I think them deciding to fuck others already started that and it'll happen anyway. Probably with more devastating results if it went on for longer time. Think its worse for the kids to find out that their mother or father was fucking others as a life style rather thana single affai while pretending to be a loving mother or father to them and partner to the other parent.
Just trying to see another side that most are over looking.
I would hope if it came to that the kids wouldn't need to find out the details of their parents split. There is no reason for them to have too and be made to feel that way about a parent.
I agree but the reality is they will sometime. Interesting reading the way most responses to this would seem to shift the blame on the one who let the cat out of the bag. However few seem to infer that the choice was made to cheat...and remember it is a choice and as such the responsibility for the cat getting out is with the one who who put the cat in the bag in the first place because that cat WILL get out sometime..either by a no the lie or slip up or by someone helping it out. Anyone who thinks they're also innocently of helping it by playing with a cheater isn't fooling anyone other than themselves....they're creating it their business by getting involved. The more they play away the more chances of causing a family bteakup. I met someone who was married...the more i found out about their home situation the more concerned i became about the safety of that other partner if he found out...and that's more common on here than wed like to believe unfortunately. I could say its none of my business what they do, bit as soon as i meet them I've also chosen to make it my business and become party to a potential family break up or worse."
Yep the cheater in the thread the OP refers to was caught out by a slip up, he did not delete texts between himself and I. Still not sure how she came to read those texts but to me he was the one responsible for hurting her, not me. I was unaware he was married he lied and said he was single. When she called me I confirmed I was supposed to be meeting him but didnt tell her how I knew him because it would mean telling her I was on fab. A fair few told me I was responsible for interfering in their marriage for even talking to her, as if I wanted to chuck a bomb in there. On the other hand, some told me I was basically heartless for not telling her about fab and leaving her wondering. Noted that those with the strongest opinions seemed to be ones that had been in similar situations so emotional responses. Just taught me that in fabland there will always be that divide of opinions but I was comforted by those saying my actions were ok. To clarify had I found out another way he was married I would never have contacted his wife to tell her, I would have just walked away. Not my business even though he tried dragging me into it. |
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"Here's a lesson learnt.
I walked into a local restaurant with my bf a few months ago.In there was my friends bf sat at the back of the room with another girl and they was all over each other.He didn't notice me at first until my bf walked past them and said hello to him.He turned to look in my direction and it was like he had just seen a ghost as he went white and instantly stood up and told her they was leaving.
He walked past me and never said a word and tryed to hide his face even though I had already seen him.
I sat there thinking do i tell my friend or not? Then i thought i think she woukd tell me if it was roles revervsed and i would want to know so i called her and told her what I had just seen.
He kept trying to lie his way out of it but he finally admited to having a affair with a girl he worked with so my friend kicked him out.
Weeks later when the dust had settled she forgived him and they got back together.She also sent me a message saying not to contact her again and to stay out of her business.She blocked my number and I've not spoken to her since.
So the lesson I've learnt is even though you think your doing the right thing sometimes it's best not to get involved in other people's business as it will always come back to you being the bad one even if you have done nothing wrong x "
If that was me, it would have shown me that she wasn’t a real friend to block me out of her life like that in favour of a bf who cheated on her. If I had not told my mate in order to “save” a friendship, it would be to “save” a friendship with someone not worth it.
You’ve done yourself a favour by telling her, her loss! I find it a bit weird that this has taught you to keep schtum, because you don’t want to lose people that would potentially drop you for their cheating bf. |
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Aside from that, BIG difference between outing someone to their partner who had no clue and tipping the applecart, and the partner getting in touch with you to ask what’s going on.
I wouldn’t go out of my way to blab on anyone, but don’t expect me to keep your lies for you if they call me! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Our view is that cheating is the biggest possible betrayal and cowardly.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should talk about it and either reach an agreement or split.
We all have limited time on the planet and living a lie is no good for anyone involved.
That said we are in this together, we are not detectives or marriage councillors.
I’m glad you have never had to be in a situation where you can’t just leave, where there is no making an agreement, where walking away could tear apart the very fabric of all you have worked for or put you at serious risk.
It may not be good for anyone but sometimes the options aren’t as black and white as people seem to think."
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"A fair few told me I was responsible for interfering in their marriage for even talking to her, as if I wanted to chuck a bomb in there. On the other hand, some told me I was basically heartless for not telling her about fab and leaving her wondering. Noted that those with the strongest opinions seemed to be ones that had been in similar situations so emotional responses. Just taught me that in fabland there will always be that divide of opinions but I was comforted by those saying my actions were ok. "
All that your responses in that thread taught me was that you were only listening and interested in the people that happened to completely agree with you.
Anyone who gave you advice or an opinion from the wives point of view, you smacked down and appaz are just “emotional responses”. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
If you want to criticise people’s biases, you might want to consider your own first. Seeing how you started that thread in the first place to ask opinions. Why even start one if you’re only going to take on board the things that suit you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A fair few told me I was responsible for interfering in their marriage for even talking to her, as if I wanted to chuck a bomb in there. On the other hand, some told me I was basically heartless for not telling her about fab and leaving her wondering. Noted that those with the strongest opinions seemed to be ones that had been in similar situations so emotional responses. Just taught me that in fabland there will always be that divide of opinions but I was comforted by those saying my actions were ok.
All that your responses in that thread taught me was that you were only listening and interested in the people that happened to completely agree with you.
Anyone who gave you advice or an opinion from the wives point of view, you smacked down and appaz are just “emotional responses”. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
If you want to criticise people’s biases, you might want to consider your own first. Seeing how you started that thread in the first place to ask opinions. Why even start one if you’re only going to take on board the things that suit you. "
If that's how you see it fair enough |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No I wouldn't get involved on any level, it is non of my business. If someone's partner contacted us on here asking for details I would simply block them without reply. Similarly if I knew a friends partner was cheating I would keep out of it and not mention it.
Telling someone this kind of information could have repercussions that aren't always in the best interests of everyone. A wife may have an inclination her husband is cheating etc but by being confronted with the information may force her to make decisions or act in a certain way that she is not mentally ready for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Aside from that, BIG difference between outing someone to their partner who had no clue and tipping the applecart, and the partner getting in touch with you to ask what’s going on.
I wouldn’t go out of my way to blab on anyone, but don’t expect me to keep your lies for you if they call me!"
I feel the same way. I don’t respect people that cheat full stop but I will not go out of my way to report someone but if I’m contacted in that way then I’m not protecting that person. I state on my profile that I don’t want to get involved with taken people yet I still get people trying it on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Aside from that, BIG difference between outing someone to their partner who had no clue and tipping the applecart, and the partner getting in touch with you to ask what’s going on.
I wouldn’t go out of my way to blab on anyone, but don’t expect me to keep your lies for you if they call me!"
Surely the effect is exactly the same, however it is conveyed to the innocent partner?? Isn't it easier (if not better) to say nothing?
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I don't understand how it's possible to make the leap from seeing someone's partner with a profile on here to them cheating. Granted it's a possibility but you can't know for sure and no matter how well you know a person you can never know what goes on in their relationship with their other half. |
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By *easing_twoCouple
over a year ago
Bristol, Thornbury |
There are times I would and wouldn't, each situation is different. The social worker thing you mentioned yes I would tell as it could cause a massive risk to there clients.
But without knowing the person or situation it's hard/impossible to give a clear response. |
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"Aside from that, BIG difference between outing someone to their partner who had no clue and tipping the applecart, and the partner getting in touch with you to ask what’s going on.
I wouldn’t go out of my way to blab on anyone, but don’t expect me to keep your lies for you if they call me!
Surely the effect is exactly the same, however it is conveyed to the innocent partner?? Isn't it easier (if not better) to say nothing?
"
Many, many moons ago I was seeing someone I had no idea was married. We had a very casual relationship as I was separated and wanted to concentrate on my girls, so saw him when they were at their dad's.
0ne evening my phone rang, it was my friend but it wasn't him but his wife I didn't know about. She asked who I was and how I knew her husband. She said she knew all his colleagues, so she was asking again who I was and how I knew her husband. At this point I was getting annoyed and told her to take up any questions she had with her husband and hung up.
He called and begged me not to say anything should she call again. I said keep her away from me and neither of them should ring me again. Did they listen. Did they fuck! They bombarded me with constant phone calls. It got too much so I answered. She said he's told me all about you. He said he'd always had a fantasy about fucking a black woman and he bumped into you and you seemed easy and up for it but you were so fat he couldn't fuck you.
I thought, back away, leave these people to their drama and hung up...but...sigh...she wouldn't let it go and rang back to insult me...so I described her husband's naked body...the tattoos only visible when he's naked and the funny noise he made when cumming. I described how he liked to rim my fat arse and drink the piss directly from me. Told her he liked licking my fat pussy and I described his signature move.
She hung up and never called me again...he did to ask why I'd told her that.
Shouldn't have involved me in their dramas then slag me off.
Married, especially stupid, married men are an headache I don't need thanks very much! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse. |
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"no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse. "
There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors so I'd mind my own business.
My friends think we're a conventional couple, that's how we present ourselves but we have an open relationship: we can fuck whoever we like, don't even have to tell each other where or when.
If one of my friends saw Ben out in a club/chatting some woman up etc and told me I'd not be happy and would drop the friendship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse.
There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors so I'd mind my own business.
My friends think we're a conventional couple, that's how we present ourselves but we have an open relationship: we can fuck whoever we like, don't even have to tell each other where or when.
If one of my friends saw Ben out in a club/chatting some woman up etc and told me I'd not be happy and would drop the friendship. "
Not much of a friendship if you would rather drop them than explain your relationship or even let them know its not their business and thank them for their concern.
I'm talking about close friends and knowing some one is cheating.
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By *om girlCouple (FF)
over a year ago
South Yorkshire |
I think it's not so strait forward
I think it depends on why you feel the need to cheat.who your cheating on.so loads of factors need be involved..
Example Ive got two brothers one ok with his partner one cheats
If I went out and seen the cheating one upto no good I would turn a blind eye coz you get what you deserve
But the other one that's loyal I would tell him what I seen.
It's because their nothing worse than to break someone heart and lose trust in them.. some times being honest best way but not sure what you've got to lose so it's not always so simple... |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
I always question people’s motives when they say they would tell. I wonder if it’s more about being the one to get there first and get the gossip out rather than any genuine reason. Why and how could anyone possibly know all the facts and be able to decide if it’s for the best?
There are two sides to every story and far too many sticky beaks in this world, I feel.
I wouldn’t tell. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I despise gossip and tittle tattle, the people who indulge in it are of very questionable character in my opinion.
If you want to spread a negative opinion about people you have the time to help them if those people have genuine difficulties.
If you are genuinely concerned about the behaviour of someone and their impact on other people then a course of action to help those you know they are hurting is justified.
If you are going to involve yourself in anybody else's life be sure you know the full facts too. Most think they do, but invariably don't.
There are far too many people who revel in the negative and enjoy sniping at others.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Aside of the cheating scenario mentioned in the opening post.....
I would pass information on to the authorities (not via social media) if it was a safeguarding issue for a vulnerable person ie children and / or animal cruelty.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"On another post topic i noticed how many Forumites thought it was right to tell the spouse of a member they were on here cheating. I am not comfortable with this so wanted some more views.
If it is right to tell the husband or wife of a total stranger their partner is trying to cheat on them, with all the pain and suffering that brings to their family, then where does this civic duty end?
Should you tell all the local shops your neighbour is in financial difficulties?
Should you put on Facebook that the family accross the street are having struggling with their teenage daughter's slutty behaviour?
That the single mother round the corner is a sex worker?
That the social worker living opposite is an alcoholic?
That the man down the road has been made redundant but has told not yet anyone?
For me this is a private matter. If it is someone I know and care about then I may tell them and try and help after, but tell a total stranger and walk away??? I would feel bad being the bearer of such devastating news but many on Fab think it is absolutely fine.
So, is the desire to punish a "cheater" they have often never met so overpowering in some people that they are happily prepared to be the one to throw in the bomb that rips a family apart? How do they justify being the one to cause the pain. Is it because they have been cheated on and want others to share their pain? Or a view from the high moral ground?
Your thoughts please...
(This is not about me so try not to attack me. Try to discuss the question please.) "
exactly you don't tell ok if its your best friend and its your husband she's cheating with but other than that stay out of it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think I know which other post you are talking about and if I'm right the distinction there was that a lack of discretion had dragged the individual into dealing with the results of the cheating. They hadn't decided to go ahead and tell the spouse. So no, I agree that generally you don't go round sticking your nose in other people's business but if trouble comes knocking you shouldn't have to lie or cover up for someone else if you don't want to. |
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You're totally bang on!! This is a sex site for people to explore each other and have fun! We are all adults here and people should join for the right reasons!
It's not a site for judgemental and those that are should take a look very closely at themselves!? Who are we to judge?
That said..honesty and being upfront with a potential sexual partner on here is a must and then it's for those parties to make the call on moving forward??
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"You have just 'hit the nail' on what bothers me the most about some people on fab... The moral high ground often adopted and hypocrisy of people involved in something that general society considers sordid or immoral and yet who are very quick to condemn activites they do not agree with and strangers of whom they have no inkling of what is going on in their personal circumstances... "
Agreed!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From the other side I would want to be told."
nobody wants to find that out ,you wouldn't thank the messenger ,obviously its hypothetical because you're not in that situation are you?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's all very well declaring the person a cheater and then ruining there life but there's always another side to things and without being in the relationship you can't know the real reasons
Women have been known to hold back sex from there fellas as punishment I know several guys whose wives refuse to have sex with them point blank
So what should they do? Become sex less beings or seek fun elsewhere
It's the latter for me life isn't about punishment it's about enjoyment
There's many reasons why people find fun with others and outsiders of the relationship should not get involved. |
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"no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse.
There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors so I'd mind my own business.
My friends think we're a conventional couple, that's how we present ourselves but we have an open relationship: we can fuck whoever we like, don't even have to tell each other where or when.
If one of my friends saw Ben out in a club/chatting some woman up etc and told me I'd not be happy and would drop the friendship.
Not much of a friendship if you would rather drop them than explain your relationship or even let them know its not their business and thank them for their concern.
I'm talking about close friends and knowing some one is cheating.
"
To some people us included their relationship with their partner is more important than any friendship. Why does the close friend need to tell, why do they need to know the dynamic of their friends relationship, how do they know the person is cheating for sure, why don't they have a private word with the alleged cheater? |
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"From the other side I would want to be told.nobody wants to find that out ,you wouldn't thank the messenger ,obviously its hypothetical because you're not in that situation are you?"
I was and I found out the hard way.....a friend knew and didn't tell me....we are no longer friends. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The sad fact is, that there's no real happy outcome with being told or it being kept quiet.
Some relationships can rebuild or even improve after such experiences, others were beyond reprieve.
I think it's important to understand the motive behind someone telling the "victim". Sometimes it's due to their honestly held belief they should know, other times it's due to that dark side of humans enjoying the carnage. |
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" The sad fact is, that there's no real happy outcome with being told or it being kept quiet.
Some relationships can rebuild or even improve after such experiences, others were beyond reprieve.
I think it's important to understand the motive behind someone telling the "victim". Sometimes it's due to their honestly held belief they should know, other times it's due to that dark side of humans enjoying the carnage."
I think you're right. I also think that the friend is unlikely to remain a friend whether they tell or not.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For such a liberal sex site not so many liberal attitudes,I'm not a god fearing man but I do believe this saying from the Bible "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" so don't get involved simple |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"(...) and you may not be in posession of all the facts."
I'd go a bit further: You are NEVER in possession of all the facts, you never really have the full picture!
Pleased to see the Forum consensus is not to interfere! |
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"no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse.
There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors so I'd mind my own business.
My friends think we're a conventional couple, that's how we present ourselves but we have an open relationship: we can fuck whoever we like, don't even have to tell each other where or when.
If one of my friends saw Ben out in a club/chatting some woman up etc and told me I'd not be happy and would drop the friendship.
Not much of a friendship if you would rather drop them than explain your relationship or even let them know its not their business and thank them for their concern.
I'm talking about close friends and knowing some one is cheating.
"
Why would I justify my relationship with anyone?!! It's called "private life" for a reason. |
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"I always question people’s motives when they say they would tell. I wonder if it’s more about being the one to get there first and get the gossip out rather than any genuine reason. Why and how could anyone possibly know all the facts and be able to decide if it’s for the best?
There are two sides to every story and far too many sticky beaks in this world, I feel.
I wouldn’t tell. "
My point exactly! |
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"I despise gossip and tittle tattle, the people who indulge in it are of very questionable character in my opinion.
If you want to spread a negative opinion about people you have the time to help them if those people have genuine difficulties.
If you are genuinely concerned about the behaviour of someone and their impact on other people then a course of action to help those you know they are hurting is justified.
If you are going to involve yourself in anybody else's life be sure you know the full facts too. Most think they do, but invariably don't.
There are far too many people who revel in the negative and enjoy sniping at others.
"
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"no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse.
There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors so I'd mind my own business.
My friends think we're a conventional couple, that's how we present ourselves but we have an open relationship: we can fuck whoever we like, don't even have to tell each other where or when.
If one of my friends saw Ben out in a club/chatting some woman up etc and told me I'd not be happy and would drop the friendship.
Not much of a friendship if you would rather drop them than explain your relationship or even let them know its not their business and thank them for their concern.
I'm talking about close friends and knowing some one is cheating.
To some people us included their relationship with their partner is more important than any friendship. Why does the close friend need to tell, why do they need to know the dynamic of their friends relationship, how do they know the person is cheating for sure, why don't they have a private word with the alleged cheater?"
Exactly! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"no sympathy and zero respect for cheaters, they are cowards and wouldn't cover for any of them. Would not go looking for a strangers partner to tell them, but If it was a friend I would.
It is emotional abuse which can be more damaging than physical abuse.
There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors so I'd mind my own business.
My friends think we're a conventional couple, that's how we present ourselves but we have an open relationship: we can fuck whoever we like, don't even have to tell each other where or when.
If one of my friends saw Ben out in a club/chatting some woman up etc and told me I'd not be happy and would drop the friendship. "
I'd drop friends that I'd kept in the dark and were trying to help me too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I still maintain most folk would like to know and not be kept in the dark..
Better someone tells me than I get kept in the dark and cheated on. Folk so fucking spineless they don't have the nuts to tell me.
If a friend knew and thought it best to keep me in the dark..that IS NOT a friend |
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"Here's a lesson learnt.
I walked into a local restaurant with my bf a few months ago.In there was my friends bf sat at the back of the room with another girl and they was all over each other.He didn't notice me at first until my bf walked past them and said hello to him.He turned to look in my direction and it was like he had just seen a ghost as he went white and instantly stood up and told her they was leaving.
He walked past me and never said a word and tryed to hide his face even though I had already seen him.
I sat there thinking do i tell my friend or not? Then i thought i think she woukd tell me if it was roles revervsed and i would want to know so i called her and told her what I had just seen.
He kept trying to lie his way out of it but he finally admited to having a affair with a girl he worked with so my friend kicked him out.
Weeks later when the dust had settled she forgived him and they got back together.She also sent me a message saying not to contact her again and to stay out of her business.She blocked my number and I've not spoken to her since.
So the lesson I've learnt is even though you think your doing the right thing sometimes it's best not to get involved in other people's business as it will always come back to you being the bad one even if you have done nothing wrong x "
...There you go.
I remember watching one of those reality cop shows and the police saying when they responded to domestic violence calls they watched the victim closer than the alleged offender as the women often turned on them!
Point is, when it comes to the dynamics of relationships proceed with caution. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I hope Sydney University reads this post. There are some excellent points being raised and hardly a trolling word anywhere on what is an emotive subject. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think it's any of my business. If someone cheating and I don't know anyone being directly effected personally then what gives me the right to go drop a bomb on them? Who knows what personal circumstances there are. Although I'm saying this there was a guy a couple years ago that was messaging my girlfriends at the time constantly and wouldn't let up, he was engaged so I sent screen shots of the lot to his fiancé.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think it's any of my business. If someone cheating and I don't know anyone being directly effected personally then what gives me the right to go drop a bomb on them? Who knows what personal circumstances there are. Although I'm saying this there was a guy a couple years ago that was messaging my girlfriends at the time constantly and wouldn't let up, he was engaged so I sent screen shots of the lot to his fiancé.."
I should add that I think the real world is a little different than on here.. if I knew someone was playing away on here I honestly couldn't give it a second thought, not my business it's a public forum and I'm not here to police people's morals and decisions. |
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It’s funny how the generalisations are still rife in this thread, many times it is just assumed in a comment the man is cheating, that the other person is a completely innocent party, that it is all one way blame and, as I said before, black and white.
Sometimes it isn’t possible to just walk away from a relationship and in those cases, as a temporary measure, some people may feel they need something like this as a no strings way to feel satisfied, still feel wanted, remind them self there is something more out there.
Is it really anyone’s place to throw a grenade into that kind of situation? And how do you know if that’s what your doing? If you don’t like it and you suspect someone is cheating, walk away.
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By *loppsyWoman
over a year ago
marlow |
"It’s funny how the generalisations are still rife in this thread, many times it is just assumed in a comment the man is cheating, that the other person is a completely innocent party, that it is all one way blame and, as I said before, black and white.
Sometimes it isn’t possible to just walk away from a relationship and in those cases, as a temporary measure, some people may feel they need something like this as a no strings way to feel satisfied, still feel wanted, remind them self there is something more out there.
Is it really anyone’s place to throw a grenade into that kind of situation? And how do you know if that’s what your doing? If you don’t like it and you suspect someone is cheating, walk away.
"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s funny how the generalisations are still rife in this thread, many times it is just assumed in a comment the man is cheating, that the other person is a completely innocent party, that it is all one way blame and, as I said before, black and white.
Sometimes it isn’t possible to just walk away from a relationship and in those cases, as a temporary measure, some people may feel they need something like this as a no strings way to feel satisfied, still feel wanted, remind them self there is something more out there.
Is it really anyone’s place to throw a grenade into that kind of situation? And how do you know if that’s what your doing? If you don’t like it and you suspect someone is cheating, walk away.
"
Well said!
Many unhappy couples in sexually unfulfilling relationships successfully plod on in marriage because of the children.
To wreck your children's lives simply because your partner does not satisfy your sexual needs seems to me a very selfish act.
To instigate the destruction of someone elses marriage on a matter of principal, i.e. cheating is inexcusable, is equally wrong.
You only have 1 life and if you get no sex at all at home then NSA sex is a neccessary and hopefully safe substitute. Just be sure to keep emotion out of it... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It’s funny how the generalisations are still rife in this thread, many times it is just assumed in a comment the man is cheating, that the other person is a completely innocent party, that it is all one way blame and, as I said before, black and white.
Sometimes it isn’t possible to just walk away from a relationship and in those cases, as a temporary measure, some people may feel they need something like this as a no strings way to feel satisfied, still feel wanted, remind them self there is something more out there.
Is it really anyone’s place to throw a grenade into that kind of situation? And how do you know if that’s what your doing? If you don’t like it and you suspect someone is cheating, walk away.
Well said!
Many unhappy couples in sexually unfulfilling relationships successfully plod on in marriage because of the children.
To wreck your children's lives simply because your partner does not satisfy your sexual needs seems to me a very selfish act.
To instigate the destruction of someone elses marriage on a matter of principal, i.e. cheating is inexcusable, is equally wrong.
You only have 1 life and if you get no sex at all at home then NSA sex is a neccessary and hopefully safe substitute. Just be sure to keep emotion out of it... "
Here here |
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