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Make me laugh
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I asked a blind man how he lost his sight.
He said it was a motorboating accident.
So I asked him what happened.
He said 'she had piercings in both nipples'
I'll get my coat.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had a dream last night that the Grim Reaper and I were chopping vegetables together for a stew.
When I woke I thought, "That was dicing with death...""
I'm remembering this for the office tomorrow |
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Bloke goes to the doctors, walks in and says "I want you to have a look at my knob"
Doctor, a bit taken aback says "errrm ok I suppose we'd better have a look then"
So the bloke undoes his trousers, takes out this massive great Hampton and slaps it on the desk.
Doctor says "well sir, I can't see much wrong with that.."
Bloke replies "I know, but isn't it a beauty!" |
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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a man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book titled "strange but true sexual facts"
"interesting" he asks
"yes" she replies "for instance did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a scotsman has the thickest" !
"oh i,m sorry" she says "my names Helen & yours is"?
"Tonto McTavish luv" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
a man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book titled "strange but true sexual facts"
"interesting" he asks
"yes" she replies "for instance did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a scotsman has the thickest" !
"oh i,m sorry" she says "my names Helen & yours is"?
"Tonto McTavish luv""
Oh my days x so funny. |
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Bloke goes to the opticians and says "I can't see very far"
Optician says "Come outside with me", so they go outside into the street and the optician says "look up there, what can you see?"
Bloke says "Well, I can see the sun"
Optician says "Well how far do you want to fucking see?!" |
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Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that
is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "fook the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?" |
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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." |
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a fella goes for a haircut and ask if theres anything that can stop him from going bald
barber says i,ll let you into a trade secret smear your head wa pussyjuice
the fella says your totaly bald yourself
barber replys yes but i,ve got one belter of a moustache though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had to go to the doctor after starting a new fad diet.
Any time I felt peckish I would nibble on a dog biscuit. It went ok at first, losing about a kg a week with no effort.
Where it all went wrong was I put my own back out trying to lick my balls...  |
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A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..
She told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...
Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...
Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot...
He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..
"System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole.."
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAIN"
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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The old man says "I'll have the soup."
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Hearing that his son had been sacked from his first ever Saturday job at the fish and chip shop, the incensed father demanded an explanation from the manager. 'I had to sack him. He was found in the prep area with his pants down and a potato peeler up his ass!' 'What!' said the father 'show me the potato peeler.' Sorry, can't do' said the manager 'I had to sack him too!' |
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Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
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Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug |
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ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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1st Guy walks into pub and asks to use landlord's toilet as hes taking special salts.
Landlord goes to toilet and there's shit everywhere. He catches upto the guy in the street and adks what salts he's taking.
Guy replies 'summersalts' 
Know how you feel op, is a bastard when you face things alone. Im there too  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"1st Guy walks into pub and asks to use landlord's toilet as hes taking special salts.
Landlord goes to toilet and there's shit everywhere. He catches upto the guy in the street and adks what salts he's taking.
Guy replies 'summersalts'
Know how you feel op, is a bastard when you face things alone. Im there too "
Aw. Special hugs n a virtual kiss.
Tinterweb has killed romance and effort. And phones.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn £400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you are going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £800 a year!!!"
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Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a
Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts' he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg.
He fondled her Flap Jacks then showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Mrs Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a
trip down Bournville Boulevard via her party ring.
He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight.
When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchy.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing.
He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving
her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD.
It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had
Allsorts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mum used to say: your never going to be able to build a car out of that spaghetti'.
Should of seen her face when I drove pasta!.
Tried to catch fog the other day..... mist |
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I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Whats Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?
Haaaanndd eeeeyyyyyeeeeeeeee.
You're welcome.
This made me laugh way more than it should "
I've just got it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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" I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads"
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By *osweet69Couple
over a year ago
portsmouth |
"After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.""
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn £400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
Oh my days. I laughed so much at this x
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you are going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £800 a year!!!"
"
Oh my days I laughed so much at this x |
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