FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > What if you don't like him???
What if you don't like him???
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen? |
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?"
Do you mean on here ?
A potential playmate ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
Do you mean on here ?
A potential playmate ?"
Sorry, no I meant in general life or on here. Either or, but mostly someone you might see often in the real world. |
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I have no problem telling anyone how I feel on real life.
But depending on the person, the situation, the way they approached me, would affect how I handed it.
A vulgar, overly forward approach would be met with a very short blunt, no thanks.
If it was someone polite
or I saw a lot, worked with etc, then maybe a more tactful response, unless they didn't get the initial message.
|
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?"
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
Nowadays I would deal with harassment very differently to when I was young. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction."
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation |
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation"
I just approach in a friendly manner ( I think) I’m well aware I’m not wveryone’s Cup of tea but if it’s a forum person might like a bit of friendly banter / flirting without expecting it to go anywhere - maybe that’s cruel on my part if I flirt with those I’m not really into? |
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation"
Some people react badly to rejection and I agree that women don't expect it.
On fab I think that's down to the ratio of men to women and the outrageous sycophants.
In life I think it's due to traditionally men being the ones to approach the fainting maiden.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation
I just approach in a friendly manner ( I think) I’m well aware I’m not wveryone’s Cup of tea but if it’s a forum person might like a bit of friendly banter / flirting without expecting it to go anywhere - maybe that’s cruel on my part if I flirt with those I’m not really into? "
No I don't think so and approaching in a freindly way is great. It's when you get approached in a way that feels like they are already presuming you will be interested, sometimes almost like they are doing you a favour that it makes it feel awkward knocking them back. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times."
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
Do you mean on here ?
A potential playmate ?
Sorry, no I meant in general life or on here. Either or, but mostly someone you might see often in the real world. "
When he hinted that he wanted something to happen I'd make it tactfully clear that the feeling wasn't mutual. |
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?"
My body language makes it clear from the get go lol, I never lead anyone on for a second, if I flirt, I really mean it!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out. "
I have a small personal space and I hate anyone in it. I don't like a hand on the shoulder but it would depend on how they did it. Some people are touchy types and they don't mean anything by it- but this again depends on the situation. I wouldn't complain I'd just move away.
Some people put up with more than others would. A flirty look from a very old man would be taken differently if it was from a hot young man for instance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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These days I will tell someone that it’s not happeneing if I’m not into it.
However I will admit I have been stupid enough in the past to have Alex with someone (in clubs) just to get it out the way and get out of what I felt was an awkward situation....   it’s not right you shouldn’t do it and I’m sure I’m not the only one to have done this...I may be the only one to admit it tho 
MrsK |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"These days I will tell someone that it’s not happeneing if I’m not into it.
However I will admit I have been stupid enough in the past to have Alex with someone (in clubs) just to get it out the way and get out of what I felt was an awkward situation.... it’s not right you shouldn’t do it and I’m sure I’m not the only one to have done this...I may be the only one to admit it tho
MrsK "
Sex no Alex haha |
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out. "
I agree that people need to communicate much more clearly especially women in these situations.
But suggesting that adults are unaware that touching another person inappropriately is wrong or that they feel it is the only way to communicate that they like them rather than harassment I can't agree with.
A person who is emotionally and socially mature knows it's wrong and they know its unacceptable (and always has been). What they also know is that they can get away with it so it becomes normal to them so that when they get caught out they try and convince themselves and the rest of us that they were good, innocent people who were acting in an acceptable way "at the time" so we shouldn't tar them with the same brush as "real" sexual predators. If I shop lift and get away with it 500 times I'm still going to know I shouldn't be doing it and no court in the land is going to accept my plea that since it was acceptable at the time because I didn't get caught. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out.
I have a small personal space and I hate anyone in it. I don't like a hand on the shoulder but it would depend on how they did it..... "
You made me realise....I am very comfortable with male touch - but only with those people I find attractive. I have a very (particularly physically) cool demeanour towards those I do not find attractive, or those I have not decided about yet, and it seems it is abundently clear, because I cannot remember anyone ever being physically inappropriate. I was amazed when people stated that they felt every woman has experienced it on a recent thread.
People whistling in the street or making lewd comments from a passing van when I'm on my horse yes, but not touch. It seems my defense mechanisms are working well, though I spent most of my working life being the boss - that might have a lot to do with it too, and the companies I did work for were pretty progressive. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out. "
Just to clarify my comment, I don't think that "every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people." I just think that when there are power differentials, people have to be aware that the difference in status and power plays a role in how people should interact. There aren't always nefarious intentions on either side, but there is certainly more room for such intentions, and most definitely room for perceptions of such intentions. Care should be taken in such cases and I think people's failure to think about these differences sometimes results in feelings that were avoidable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out.
I agree that people need to communicate much more clearly especially women in these situations.
But suggesting that adults are unaware that touching another person inappropriately is wrong or that they feel it is the only way to communicate that they like them rather than harassment I can't agree with.
A person who is emotionally and socially mature knows it's wrong and they know its unacceptable (and always has been). What they also know is that they can get away with it so it becomes normal to them so that when they get caught out they try and convince themselves and the rest of us that they were good, innocent people who were acting in an acceptable way "at the time" so we shouldn't tar them with the same brush as "real" sexual predators. If I shop lift and get away with it 500 times I'm still going to know I shouldn't be doing it and no court in the land is going to accept my plea that since it was acceptable at the time because I didn't get caught."
It happens very rarely that I disagree with you, but on this I do. I really think there are people who don't realize that their behavior is uncomfortable or creepy. I'm not talking about people who r**e or who sexually assault someone. I'm talking about innapropiate jokes and small touches. Yes, I think that most people who do these things know their behavior is wrong, but I think there are also people who really genuinely don't think it's wrong or uncomfortable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation
Some people react badly to rejection and I agree that women don't expect it.
On fab I think that's down to the ratio of men to women and the outrageous sycophants.
In life I think it's due to traditionally men being the ones to approach the fainting maiden. "
Some women can be deeply effected by rejection.
I would imagine that although some react badly, most men expect some rejection. |
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out.
I agree that people need to communicate much more clearly especially women in these situations.
But suggesting that adults are unaware that touching another person inappropriately is wrong or that they feel it is the only way to communicate that they like them rather than harassment I can't agree with.
A person who is emotionally and socially mature knows it's wrong and they know its unacceptable (and always has been). What they also know is that they can get away with it so it becomes normal to them so that when they get caught out they try and convince themselves and the rest of us that they were good, innocent people who were acting in an acceptable way "at the time" so we shouldn't tar them with the same brush as "real" sexual predators. If I shop lift and get away with it 500 times I'm still going to know I shouldn't be doing it and no court in the land is going to accept my plea that since it was acceptable at the time because I didn't get caught.
It happens very rarely that I disagree with you, but on this I do. I really think there are people who don't realize that their behavior is uncomfortable or creepy. I'm not talking about people who r**e or who sexually assault someone. I'm talking about innapropiate jokes and small touches. Yes, I think that most people who do these things know their behavior is wrong, but I think there are also people who really genuinely don't think it's wrong or uncomfortable. "
 you disagree!? How dare you
I do see your point and to an extent I agree. I've worked with people who are very touchy feely and I and others know the intent isn't sexual. However I think if a person is unable to pick up on embarrassment, discomfort and distaste they probably aren't socially aware or mature.
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?
I would prefer he just asked me out on a date or something . I don't consider being asked if I'd like to go for a drink as harassment.
I consider inappropriate touching on more than one occasion, pervy remarks more than once and constant requests to go on a date or have sex harassment. But a guy just respectfully asking if I was interested in him is basic human interaction.
I basically agree with this. I also think that power dynamics play a role in interactions of this type - even when you're just asking someone on a date.
I tend to think of this as common sense but then sometimes it amazes me that so many people legitimately can't tell the difference between creepy behavior and flattering behavior. It really does stun me at times.
This is a good example actually. I think it's wrong to assume that every person in a higher position than the object of their affection is inherently trying to use their influence on these people. But, I do think it's perfectly plausible that successful people often get lied to by those who seek to benefit from their status and start seeing behaviours from certain people change, possibly a lot of them also simply don't keep their ego in check, and begin to buy into their own bullshit. Maybe it then start becoming something they feel entitled to, and predatory behaviour seems to stem from this twisted sense of "but I get what I want".
I think however that there are people who don't know how to handle themselves when it comes to unwanted attention, and possibly go on to encourage the person by accident. I've heard women in the office call someone a creep after a guy put their hand in their shoulder and say "I hate when he does that", but they haven't once told the guy this, and I've seen guys genuinely think the interest is reciprocated.
Until we all learn to communicate in much clearer ways, I think k there will continue to be room to misinterpret someone's motives on this, and some guys will get tarred with a very sticky brush purely for having a crush.
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out.
I agree that people need to communicate much more clearly especially women in these situations.
But suggesting that adults are unaware that touching another person inappropriately is wrong or that they feel it is the only way to communicate that they like them rather than harassment I can't agree with.
A person who is emotionally and socially mature knows it's wrong and they know its unacceptable (and always has been). What they also know is that they can get away with it so it becomes normal to them so that when they get caught out they try and convince themselves and the rest of us that they were good, innocent people who were acting in an acceptable way "at the time" so we shouldn't tar them with the same brush as "real" sexual predators. If I shop lift and get away with it 500 times I'm still going to know I shouldn't be doing it and no court in the land is going to accept my plea that since it was acceptable at the time because I didn't get caught.
It happens very rarely that I disagree with you, but on this I do. I really think there are people who don't realize that their behavior is uncomfortable or creepy. I'm not talking about people who r**e or who sexually assault someone. I'm talking about innapropiate jokes and small touches. Yes, I think that most people who do these things know their behavior is wrong, but I think there are also people who really genuinely don't think it's wrong or uncomfortable. "
This!
And its things such as just being too close... The personal space thing can be a prelude to anything else, if they can't get that right then nothing else will be either.
People need to be able to read people, those that fail to understand that, generally get nowhere fast. Different people need to be treated differently too, there's no hard and fast rules here, but there is the premise that being respectful and aware, generally will get a response, even if its a polite no thanks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This one's aimed at the women on here, but feel free to reverse the genders if you're a guy.
With all of the current news about sexual harrasment I thought it worth getting a gauge of the popular opinion.
If a guy you're not into seems to like you but you haven't made your feelings clear yet, how would you prefer he approached the situation, and when and how would you let him know it wasn't going to happen?"
I am the same on here as in real life. i say no thanks and i hope they accept it and have maturity to do so. (sadly on here i get abuse and the why not, in real life people accept it) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out.
I agree that people need to communicate much more clearly especially women in these situations.
But suggesting that adults are unaware that touching another person inappropriately is wrong or that they feel it is the only way to communicate that they like them rather than harassment I can't agree with.
A person who is emotionally and socially mature knows it's wrong and they know its unacceptable (and always has been). What they also know is that they can get away with it so it becomes normal to them so that when they get caught out they try and convince themselves and the rest of us that they were good, innocent people who were acting in an acceptable way "at the time" so we shouldn't tar them with the same brush as "real" sexual predators. If I shop lift and get away with it 500 times I'm still going to know I shouldn't be doing it and no court in the land is going to accept my plea that since it was acceptable at the time because I didn't get caught."
That's really the key word though isn't it "acceptable". In my place of work, I'm far more playful with guys than girls, because I'm aware that being a guy there's a lot of room for misinterpretation of my actions with girls. Me and my guy mates will hug it out in a playful manner, or either of us might sneak up behind and put hands over eyes or something. These guys are all totally straight, and just find being playful in this way a bit of fun, but the same act on a female can be considered a come on.
It also hugely depends on who's doing the action too, because I've witnessed openly gay men get away with stuff that simply wouldn't fly if it was a straight male.
Obviously putting your hand on someone's leg, ass, boob etc is clearly wrong, but as a guy, you end up thinking twice about even plutonic things like an arm around the shoulder for a group pic. It's not the hardest thing in the world to keep control of, but it is a genuine pain to have to think you can't just behave naturally and be assured it won't get taken the wrong way. |
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"
This is not to say real predators don't exist, I just don't think they're as common as people sometimes make out.
I agree that people need to communicate much more clearly especially women in these situations.
But suggesting that adults are unaware that touching another person inappropriately is wrong or that they feel it is the only way to communicate that they like them rather than harassment I can't agree with.
A person who is emotionally and socially mature knows it's wrong and they know its unacceptable (and always has been). What they also know is that they can get away with it so it becomes normal to them so that when they get caught out they try and convince themselves and the rest of us that they were good, innocent people who were acting in an acceptable way "at the time" so we shouldn't tar them with the same brush as "real" sexual predators. If I shop lift and get away with it 500 times I'm still going to know I shouldn't be doing it and no court in the land is going to accept my plea that since it was acceptable at the time because I didn't get caught.
That's really the key word though isn't it "acceptable". In my place of work, I'm far more playful with guys than girls, because I'm aware that being a guy there's a lot of room for misinterpretation of my actions with girls. Me and my guy mates will hug it out in a playful manner, or either of us might sneak up behind and put hands over eyes or something. These guys are all totally straight, and just find being playful in this way a bit of fun, but the same act on a female can be considered a come on.
It also hugely depends on who's doing the action too, because I've witnessed openly gay men get away with stuff that simply wouldn't fly if it was a straight male.
Obviously putting your hand on someone's leg, ass, boob etc is clearly wrong, but as a guy, you end up thinking twice about even plutonic things like an arm around the shoulder for a group pic. It's not the hardest thing in the world to keep control of, but it is a genuine pain to have to think you can't just behave naturally and be assured it won't get taken the wrong way."
It's difficult isn't it. I understand what you're saying but I think being able to read these complex social situations is what makes an individual socially mature or socially intelligent.
I think a good indicator of what's acceptable and what's not when you don't know someone well is would I find this appropriate if someone was saying or doing this to my mum/sister/brother/father in this situation? If the answers no or even maybe...don't do it.
As a woman you sometimes end up thinking twice about accepting an arm round the shoulder in a group photo in case it's seen as precursor to more. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation"
I'd echo this. Certainly in the fab world.
Strangely I find it easier in real life to say "sorry, not for me" not that I'm aproached often. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes it happened to me, there's a ghastly man 2 doors down from me, a former friend of my late husband, I helped him out when he was sick, out of human kindness. He thought we were more than friends, was furious when my FWB stopped over and damaged his car on 3 separate occasions. That ended in police involvement.
Also another friend of the late husband tried to get up close and, personal a couple of days before he died, I asked the funeral director to put him in his place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd tell him as soon as he made his feelings known. I like honesty, I'm an honest person myself. I'd rather know that nothing was going to happen than keep trying and hoping something will. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like the 'how would you feel if someone did this to your sister/ mother/ wife etc' idea. Although some people still wouldn't get it.
I think it's different for different people. If a stranger gets too close to me like in a queue, it gives me the creeps. Or if someone touches my elbow while talking, no harm in that for most people but I don't like it.
Hugging a friend or an arm around a shoulder is fine with some people but not others. I also think twice about doing things like this in case anyone watching gets the wrong idea or thinks I'm ok with anyone doing that (if they don't know my friendship level with the person). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If this was a real life scenario and a woman was making overtures towards me (during work time) I would politely remind her that any flirtatious comments or actions were inappropriate for the workplace and say I was feeling uncomfortable about it.
That would have no bearing on how attracted I was to her.
Yes, sounds boring and all that, but I have seen go south so many times it just isn't worth the grief.
Out of hours, I would advise her the same. Far to close to work to not be trouble free. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...
Also another friend of the late husband tried to get up close and, personal a couple of days before he died, I asked the funeral director to put him in his place. "
6 feet under?  |
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"Yes it happened to me, there's a ghastly man 2 doors down from me, a former friend of my late husband, I helped him out when he was sick, out of human kindness. He thought we were more than friends, was furious when my FWB stopped over and damaged his car on 3 separate occasions. That ended in police involvement.
Also another friend of the late husband tried to get up close and, personal a couple of days before he died, I asked the funeral director to put him in his place. "
The first guy is awful.
The second guy I have no words for. To see a woman at her most vulnerable and use it as an opportunity for sex . That's predation at its worst. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Imagine if guys did to women what I do to men. I stick my tongue up guys arse holes and suck their dicks in their sleep, alright I would have had sex with them prior to them sleeping and yeah they do wake up and let me carry on but when I think about it, it is bad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if guys did to women what I do to men. I stick my tongue up guys arse holes and suck their dicks in their sleep, alright I would have had sex with them prior to them sleeping and yeah they do wake up and let me carry on but when I think about it, it is bad. "
But don't they give you consent beforehand? You're very open about what you like to do so you must mention it.
It's not like you're sneaking into a stranger's bedroom and sticking your tongue up his arse while he sleeps. |
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"Imagine if guys did to women what I do to men. I stick my tongue up guys arse holes and suck their dicks in their sleep, alright I would have had sex with them prior to them sleeping and yeah they do wake up and let me carry on but when I think about it, it is bad. "
Have they given their consent prior to going to sleep? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yeah I do say that I will do those things when they're sleeping and after I've done it once the same guy will continue to sleep over my house again.
Still, it's a grey area. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation
Some people react badly to rejection and I agree that women don't expect it.
On fab I think that's down to the ratio of men to women and the outrageous sycophants.
In life I think it's due to traditionally men being the ones to approach the fainting maiden.
Some women can be deeply effected by rejection.
I would imagine that although some react badly, most men expect some rejection. "
Then why do so many reply with abuse after getting a no thank you on here? (not towards me personally). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if guys did to women what I do to men. I stick my tongue up guys arse holes and suck their dicks in their sleep, alright I would have had sex with them prior to them sleeping and yeah they do wake up and let me carry on but when I think about it, it is bad.
Have they given their consent prior to going to sleep?"
I had a man ask me what if he wants me in the middle of the night. I said, you take me. I was confident that he wouldn't be brutal about it. |
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I'd prefer someone to be totally clear upfront about their interest and suggest diverting a non-sexual relationship. If someone starts physical contact, for it to be non-sexual and wait for suggestive response from me.
I'm not interested in threatening gropes which some people do push. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I find it really awkward rejecting someone. In the fab world I can't help feel like it's more expected that a guy will respond positively to a woman's advances than vice versa. There's a difference between how some women approach me and how I approach them, my advances are most definitely in hope where as many womens seem more in expectation
Some people react badly to rejection and I agree that women don't expect it.
On fab I think that's down to the ratio of men to women and the outrageous sycophants.
In life I think it's due to traditionally men being the ones to approach the fainting maiden.
Some women can be deeply effected by rejection.
I would imagine that although some react badly, most men expect some rejection.
Then why do so many reply with abuse after getting a no thank you on here? (not towards me personally)."
Because a level of anonymity makes men who feel consistently rejected behave like immature assholes. It's that simple.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just goes to show that this is a hugely complex issue, and that you have to really make an effort to be socially aware and learn how others would prefer you behave. The downside to this is that the more fun and relaxed people don't seem to have a voice, as being relaxed on many issues means your less vocally that the angry mobs that scream from the rafters if their sensabilities aren't adhered to by the majority.
Gotta love a good reasoned discussion though. |
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