FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Struggles...
Struggles...
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I'm quite strong and don't find I have many struggles in life thankfully ... but having 2 ageing parents and a very ageing grandparent I find I am struggling to accept what is happening to them (health and age issues mainly)
I'm not posting this looking for sympathy but wonder if anyone is going thru similar struggles and can give advice on coping strategies before I lose the plot in my head  
Thanks in advance xxx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream."
Excellent advice  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ifferMan
over a year ago
Stow |
The clock ticks.... its the natural order, be thankful you had them in all of your life and be grateful that your hildren are there to say goodbye... and you don’t have to say goodbye to them... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Very similar situation, my parents are both approaching 80, scottish, difficult, grumpy bad tempered,unwilling to listen to advice, often unbeareable....i think the most important thing is, just to remain patient, do the best you can, thats all you can do x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
My dad is starting to get particularly forgetful and I find I am helping him a lot more than I used too.
I also saw Parkinson's claim my nan to the point where I didn't recognise the person it turned her into.. was rubbish and very sad. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream."
I have no-one to ask for help from which is why I resorted to posting this on here
Thank you though most things I can certainly take on board xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The clock ticks.... its the natural order, be thankful you had them in all of your life and be grateful that your hildren are there to say goodbye... and you don’t have to say goodbye to them..."
Both of my children died before they were born ... maybe this ja partly why I fear losing this part of my family  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Very similar situation, my parents are both approaching 80, scottish, difficult, grumpy bad tempered,unwilling to listen to advice, often unbeareable....i think the most important thing is, just to remain patient, do the best you can, thats all you can do x"
I'm very lucky they are not grumpy or anything ... they're all very much trying to protect me I believe but I'm not stupid and an adult and therefore can see what's really happening ... it's tough
But thanks ... I do always do my best for them all x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My dad is starting to get particularly forgetful and I find I am helping him a lot more than I used too.
I also saw Parkinson's claim my nan to the point where I didn't recognise the person it turned her into.. was rubbish and very sad."
How did you deal with it Hello? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"My dad is starting to get particularly forgetful and I find I am helping him a lot more than I used too.
I also saw Parkinson's claim my nan to the point where I didn't recognise the person it turned her into.. was rubbish and very sad.
How did you deal with it Hello? "
It was difficult, it changed her completely, she ended up moving into a home with care more readily available. My mum and auntie did much more than me.
I just kept in mind who my nan was x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream.
I have no-one to ask for help from which is why I resorted to posting this on here
Thank you though most things I can certainly take on board xx"
No harm in posting here.
It's bloody tough seeing your parents growing old. One of mine is very infirm and we've had some horrible caring issues.
We're all living longer but I truly wonder if it's a good thing as harsh as that might sound. Although I want my parents to go on forever. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Check your local Drs surgery or Library for Carer support groups. They can help with respite care even if it's just whilst you go shopping xx take care of yourself too "
Where we live despite care is nigh in impossible to get access to.
I also work full time so my own time is so limited ... sometimes meets from here give me an "escape" ... but onviously not those who ghost me
It's tricky |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My dad is starting to get particularly forgetful and I find I am helping him a lot more than I used too.
I also saw Parkinson's claim my nan to the point where I didn't recognise the person it turned her into.. was rubbish and very sad.
How did you deal with it Hello?
It was difficult, it changed her completely, she ended up moving into a home with care more readily available. My mum and auntie did much more than me.
I just kept in mind who my nan was x"
x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Age uk, local carers groups, talk to your GP, depending on what conditions they have there may be charities focused on them who can also advise carers.
Real strength is knowing when to ask for help and doing that. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream.
I have no-one to ask for help from which is why I resorted to posting this on here
Thank you though most things I can certainly take on board xx
No harm in posting here.
It's bloody tough seeing your parents growing old. One of mine is very infirm and we've had some horrible caring issues.
We're all living longer but I truly wonder if it's a good thing as harsh as that might sound. Although I want my parents to go on forever."
I understand that completely. With my grandparent I keep being told they have had a good long life but I don't see how that makes it easier. Maybe if they had passed 20-30 years ago it would have been easier because there would have been less time and less happy memories ... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago
Masked and Distant |
Make time for yourself. It is too easy to allow things to get on top of you.
Don't accept what the Doctors say first time. If you doubt them, ask again and insist on an answer.
Take time now to look at the good times, the fun times, the achievements you have shared.
And sadly we all have to accept the inevitable.
It's not easy I know from very recent experience.
Happy to speak privately |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
"
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Age uk, local carers groups, talk to your GP, depending on what conditions they have there may be charities focused on them who can also advise carers.
Real strength is knowing when to ask for help and doing that. "
Thank you |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Make time for yourself. It is too easy to allow things to get on top of you.
Don't accept what the Doctors say first time. If you doubt them, ask again and insist on an answer.
Take time now to look at the good times, the fun times, the achievements you have shared.
And sadly we all have to accept the inevitable.
It's not easy I know from very recent experience.
Happy to speak privately "
Thanks Tee, I hope this hasn't opened any wounds since yours is so recent ... and I'm sincerely sorry if it has.
Tonight was tough and it got to me, I'm fact I'm crying now but partly because you and all these fab people have taken time to try to help 
Thank you xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's tough, but sadly part of life. My parents both not in best of health now and it's scary to deal with. Grandparents all gone now. Hardest was gran more recently from Alzheimer's. "
I know it's part of life but it's a part of life you don't get any training for ... if you know what I mean?! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x"
I think it's harder when you know losing someone is imminent.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago
Masked and Distant |
"Make time for yourself. It is too easy to allow things to get on top of you.
Don't accept what the Doctors say first time. If you doubt them, ask again and insist on an answer.
Take time now to look at the good times, the fun times, the achievements you have shared.
And sadly we all have to accept the inevitable.
It's not easy I know from very recent experience.
Happy to speak privately
Thanks Tee, I hope this hasn't opened any wounds since yours is so recent ... and I'm sincerely sorry if it has.
Tonight was tough and it got to me, I'm fact I'm crying now but partly because you and all these fab people have taken time to try to help
Thank you xx"
Never be afraid to cry, it can and does help.
Ask for help from all the amazing resources the NHS and others have to offer.
And speak / chat to people about your feelings, bottling it all up inside is not good.
Xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x
I think it's harder when you know losing someone is imminent.
"
Yes, absolutely ... and I feel this is happening with my grandparent right now
I know I am lucky to have them in my life at my age and I feel a bit pathetic really for posting this but it's driving me crazy sometimes ... a bit of overthinking from me doesn't really help me  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x
I think it's harder when you know losing someone is imminent.
Yes, absolutely ... and I feel this is happening with my grandparent right now
I know I am lucky to have them in my life at my age and I feel a bit pathetic really for posting this but it's driving me crazy sometimes ... a bit of overthinking from me doesn't really help me "
It's never pathetic x
Share and talk about things, I find that helps me best  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Make time for yourself. It is too easy to allow things to get on top of you.
Don't accept what the Doctors say first time. If you doubt them, ask again and insist on an answer.
Take time now to look at the good times, the fun times, the achievements you have shared.
And sadly we all have to accept the inevitable.
It's not easy I know from very recent experience.
Happy to speak privately
Thanks Tee, I hope this hasn't opened any wounds since yours is so recent ... and I'm sincerely sorry if it has.
Tonight was tough and it got to me, I'm fact I'm crying now but partly because you and all these fab people have taken time to try to help
Thank you xx
Never be afraid to cry, it can and does help.
Ask for help from all the amazing resources the NHS and others have to offer.
And speak / chat to people about your feelings, bottling it all up inside is not good.
Xx"
I don't like feeling like I'm being a burden to others
It has taken me a few weeks to pluck up the courage to post this on here but people have been so nice since I got involved in the forums I thought it was worth the "risk" and it so had been xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x
I think it's harder when you know losing someone is imminent.
Yes, absolutely ... and I feel this is happening with my grandparent right now
I know I am lucky to have them in my life at my age and I feel a bit pathetic really for posting this but it's driving me crazy sometimes ... a bit of overthinking from me doesn't really help me
It's never pathetic x
Share and talk about things, I find that helps me best "
Thank you so so much x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream.
I have no-one to ask for help from which is why I resorted to posting this on here
Thank you though most things I can certainly take on board xx
No harm in posting here.
It's bloody tough seeing your parents growing old. One of mine is very infirm and we've had some horrible caring issues.
We're all living longer but I truly wonder if it's a good thing as harsh as that might sound. Although I want my parents to go on forever.
I understand that completely. With my grandparent I keep being told they have had a good long life but I don't see how that makes it easier. Maybe if they had passed 20-30 years ago it would have been easier because there would have been less time and less happy memories ..."
Maybe. I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be my age and still have both parents and I don't resent anything I do for them.
One thing I will say is that the amount of help you get will depend on the area you live in and recent experience has taught me that in this area it's very little. So ask for help and ask for it early and persistently.
I was walking through a and e supporting my mum on my arm recently while Mr N rushed to get a wheelchair. A woman similar to me in age was there with her mum...we exchanged a look of understanding and fellowship |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x
I think it's harder when you know losing someone is imminent.
Yes, absolutely ... and I feel this is happening with my grandparent right now
I know I am lucky to have them in my life at my age and I feel a bit pathetic really for posting this but it's driving me crazy sometimes ... a bit of overthinking from me doesn't really help me "
It's not pathetic. Better to get your thoughts out than having them go around and around in your head. Caring for people-and you have three of them to care for- is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Sometimes you need a crutch. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream.
I have no-one to ask for help from which is why I resorted to posting this on here
Thank you though most things I can certainly take on board xx
No harm in posting here.
It's bloody tough seeing your parents growing old. One of mine is very infirm and we've had some horrible caring issues.
We're all living longer but I truly wonder if it's a good thing as harsh as that might sound. Although I want my parents to go on forever.
I understand that completely. With my grandparent I keep being told they have had a good long life but I don't see how that makes it easier. Maybe if they had passed 20-30 years ago it would have been easier because there would have been less time and less happy memories ...
Maybe. I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be my age and still have both parents and I don't resent anything I do for them.
One thing I will say is that the amount of help you get will depend on the area you live in and recent experience has taught me that in this area it's very little. So ask for help and ask for it early and persistently.
I was walking through a and e supporting my mum on my arm recently while Mr N rushed to get a wheelchair. A woman similar to me in age was there with her mum...we exchanged a look of understanding and fellowship "
...and while I can't see you, I feel we have exchanged a similar look tonight |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I looked after my severely disabled sister for 10 years. It's hard. Really hard.
Then, one day, they are gone.
Ask for help and try to enjoy having them around, while they're here.
Oh my, this made me cry ... so sorry for you.
I do enjoy them, I love them to bits which is maybe why it's so hard...x
I think it's harder when you know losing someone is imminent.
Yes, absolutely ... and I feel this is happening with my grandparent right now
I know I am lucky to have them in my life at my age and I feel a bit pathetic really for posting this but it's driving me crazy sometimes ... a bit of overthinking from me doesn't really help me
It's not pathetic. Better to get your thoughts out than having them go around and around in your head. Caring for people-and you have three of them to care for- is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Sometimes you need a crutch. "
Don't know how to thank you for this ... your understanding, especially with your personal experience means a great deal. Thank you xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Empathy from us.
Make time for yourself.
Understand that you can't do everything.
Don't feel responsible for everything, if your parents or grandparent say they can manage accept it and step back.
Don't give in to manipulation.
Be insistent with the medical professionals.
Ask for help.
Go outside now and again and scream.
I have no-one to ask for help from which is why I resorted to posting this on here
Thank you though most things I can certainly take on board xx
No harm in posting here.
It's bloody tough seeing your parents growing old. One of mine is very infirm and we've had some horrible caring issues.
We're all living longer but I truly wonder if it's a good thing as harsh as that might sound. Although I want my parents to go on forever.
I understand that completely. With my grandparent I keep being told they have had a good long life but I don't see how that makes it easier. Maybe if they had passed 20-30 years ago it would have been easier because there would have been less time and less happy memories ...
Maybe. I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be my age and still have both parents and I don't resent anything I do for them.
One thing I will say is that the amount of help you get will depend on the area you live in and recent experience has taught me that in this area it's very little. So ask for help and ask for it early and persistently.
I was walking through a and e supporting my mum on my arm recently while Mr N rushed to get a wheelchair. A woman similar to me in age was there with her mum...we exchanged a look of understanding and fellowship
...and while I can't see you, I feel we have exchanged a similar look tonight "
We have. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Just wondered if any day time fabbers would like to give their input? 
If not no worries - thread so far was amazingly supportive and much appreciated xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"Just wondered if any day time fabbers would like to give their input?
If not no worries - thread so far was amazingly supportive and much appreciated xx"
Hi Minxy. Some great advise on here, haven't read all of it though. Lost my mum last year leaving my 87 year old father on his own, living in his own house still. He is pretty much self sufficient and we encourage him to do as much on his own as possible and we help with he rest. It can be draining, I know, but try and get as much support as you can from social services etc, I found a lot of stuff online. Hugs to you lovely. xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I regret not spending more time with my nan and I deeply regret that. I was far too involved in my own problems in the years before she died. so my recommendation would be to keep making memories, if that suits you of course. When I lost my father I spent really the last two weeks with him and did as much as I could to help look after him. I found that a better experience.
Yesterday marked the second anniversary of my husband passing. A totally different experience because I spent ten months full time caring for him and juggling being mum to a young teenager. Although exhausted, i felt contented that I did everything in my power to make his days as good as they could be. Little things, eating nice food together or cooking for him, watching TV together, little trips out. Distractions of what they are facing. Because none of us know how it feels from the other persons perspective. It must be frightening so anything to take their mind off the situation might be good. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Just wondered if any day time fabbers would like to give their input?
If not no worries - thread so far was amazingly supportive and much appreciated xx
Hi Minxy. Some great advise on here, haven't read all of it though. Lost my mum last year leaving my 87 year old father on his own, living in his own house still. He is pretty much self sufficient and we encourage him to do as much on his own as possible and we help with he rest. It can be draining, I know, but try and get as much support as you can from social services etc, I found a lot of stuff online. Hugs to you lovely. xx"
Thanks ever so ... all opinions count and matter to me on this xx
PS Hugs also greatly appreciated today |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I regret not spending more time with my nan and I deeply regret that. I was far too involved in my own problems in the years before she died. so my recommendation would be to keep making memories, if that suits you of course. When I lost my father I spent really the last two weeks with him and did as much as I could to help look after him. I found that a better experience.
Yesterday marked the second anniversary of my husband passing. A totally different experience because I spent ten months full time caring for him and juggling being mum to a young teenager. Although exhausted, i felt contented that I did everything in my power to make his days as good as they could be. Little things, eating nice food together or cooking for him, watching TV together, little trips out. Distractions of what they are facing. Because none of us know how it feels from the other persons perspective. It must be frightening so anything to take their mind off the situation might be good. "
Yes, totally understand and get this ... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"^ and that they know they are loved. I don’t think you can ever say and show that too much.
This! "
I tell them all every single day so clearly I am doing one thing right
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"^ and that they know they are loved. I don’t think you can ever say and show that too much.
This!
I tell them all every single day so clearly I am doing one thing right
"
You are , sweetie. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Get their financial and property affairs in order, sort out wills, executors and powers of attorney. Know where all the related paperwork is. It's hard enough dealing with the emotional side without going into meltdown over the administrative side. You will be amazed/disappointed at what's involved. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Get their financial and property affairs in order, sort out wills, executors and powers of attorney. Know where all the related paperwork is. It's hard enough dealing with the emotional side without going into meltdown over the administrative side. You will be amazed/disappointed at what's involved."
That's a really good point/tip thank you
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Get their financial and property affairs in order, sort out wills, executors and powers of attorney. Know where all the related paperwork is. It's hard enough dealing with the emotional side without going into meltdown over the administrative side. You will be amazed/disappointed at what's involved.
That's a really good point/tip thank you
"
Absolutely this
Try not to take the down times personally, no matter how tricky it gets there’s always ups along the way.
Anyone local to you you’re able to chat to on a random basis? Being able to sound off to someone not involved is very helpful.
Good luck though |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
