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Let’s have your jokes
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A man walks into a pet shop and says to the pet shop owner
'I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet; No cats or dogs or even budgies, I want something completely different'
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a very rare talking centipede
'Really?' says the man
'How much?'
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 250 quid. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says
'Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'
The centipede says nothing
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says
"Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'
Again, the centipede says nothing
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund
An hour later the man opens the match box and says
'Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'
The centipede says
'I heard you the first time, you twat'
'I was putting my shoes on..'" |
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 34,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 46,” says the man happily.
About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald’s and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’m guessing that you’re about 30?”
“Nope, I am actually 46.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. I know you’re 46”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”. |
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
Oh and by the way Boss, You've got nice house." |
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"Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
Oh and by the way Boss, You've got nice house.""
that’s so awful it’s funny!  |
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A teenage lad was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!" |
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.
Not long enough."  |
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"A teenage lad was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!""
|
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One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him:
I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep...
Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her:
So do you you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What does a ninety year old have between her boobs that a nineteen year old doesn't?
------
Her bellybutton......"
And what does a 90 year old guy have between his knees that a 19 year old don't have !!!!
Testicles |
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A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?
SON : At school
(robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay I went to the movies!
DAD : Which one?
SON : Harry Potter
(robot slaps Son again!)
Okay I was watching porno.
DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno!
(robot slaps dad)
MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was at the petrol station the other day and noticed that the car next to me had 3 penguins in the back.. intrigued I asked the owner what they were doing there.
"I woke up this morning and found them in my garden and didn't know what to do with them"
I suggested that he took them to the zoo, and he agreed that this would be a good idea.
A week later I saw the same guy and he still had the penguins, so I said
"Didn't you take them to the zoo"
"Yes, and they loved it so I am taking them to the beach today" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A man walks into a pet shop and says to the pet shop owner
'I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet; No cats or dogs or even budgies, I want something completely different'
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a very rare talking centipede
'Really?' says the man
'How much?'
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 250 quid. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says
'Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'
The centipede says nothing
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says
"Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'
Again, the centipede says nothing
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund
An hour later the man opens the match box and says
'Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'
The centipede says
'I heard you the first time, you twat'
'I was putting my shoes on..'""
 |
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A big city doctor visits an Amazonian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss and then to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to get us across the river in order to get to the tribe of women." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I was at the petrol station the other day and noticed that the car next to me had 3 penguins in the back.. intrigued I asked the owner what they were doing there.
"I woke up this morning and found them in my garden and didn't know what to do with them"
I suggested that he took them to the zoo, and he agreed that this would be a good idea.
A week later I saw the same guy and he still had the penguins, so I said
"Didn't you take them to the zoo"
"Yes, and they loved it so I am taking them to the beach today""
That is absolutely BRILLIANT ... crying with laughter here ... thank you  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
"
I saw the punch line coming a mile off, but still made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! |
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