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when trying to be helpful goes wrong...
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By *abio OP Man
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
okay... earlier on a sent a mail (don't worry I know it's thursday and this isn't a whinge) to a couple where I may have suggested that they may have slipped and put in the wrong postcode accidently (the ones in question are next to each other on the keyboard so perfectly understandable)
the result of trying to be helpful... El Blocko!!  don't worry.. not miffed!!
anyway this got me to thinking....
have there every been times when you have tried to be helpful and it has gone wrong or gotten you into trouble??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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oh god _abio all the time!
matchmaking with single friends....never again!
relationship counselling for friends......never again!
what i thought were 'helpful' posts on here only to get shot down for them.....well probably will happen again! xx |
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Sometimes being helpful can be such a pain, but I somehow keep going at it...
Worst has to be where you fixed someone's PC years ago, and they come back to you with problems, and you've not heard from them inbetween for yonks.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yeah I once tried to escort an elderly lady across a very busy road,,,, half way across the road the elderly lady started hitting me with her walking stick,,,,,
I asked why she was hitting me with her stick,,,, and she replied,,,,, "what the fuck are you doing dragging me over the other side of this road for"?…. "I was quite happy on the side I was already on"!!!! Ya feck’in eejit  |
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol"
Why would you feel the need to do that?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes being helpful can be such a pain, but I somehow keep going at it...
Worst has to be where you fixed someone's PC years ago, and they come back to you with problems, and you've not heard from them inbetween for yonks.
"
oh my ex had that
he works in IT or whatever he does lol and is really good with pcs, we was talking to a couple once and they invited us to their house and while we was there they asked him if he would have a look at their pc, it had loads of problems and took a good 2 or 3 hours to fix, he even put them a new graphics card in which he had in the car and never asked for a penny, after the pc was fixed they told us was wasnt their type and asked us to leave lol
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
"
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself |
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself "
Sounds like interfering in someone elses marriage to me....Some things are best left alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"okay... earlier on a sent a mail (don't worry I know it's thursday and this isn't a whinge) to a couple where I may have suggested that they may have slipped and put in the wrong postcode accidently (the ones in question are next to each other on the keyboard so perfectly understandable)
the result of trying to be helpful... El Blocko!! don't worry.. not miffed!!
anyway this got me to thinking....
have there every been times when you have tried to be helpful and it has gone wrong or gotten you into trouble??? "
I even get in trouble when I try to help myself sometimes! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself
Sounds like interfering in someone elses marriage to me....Some things are best left alone."
well thats your opinion and your entitled to it
as i said i believe in treating others how id like to be treat, if my hubby was fucking about behind my back id sooner be told than be the twat sat at home with the kids thinking we was ok and he was just out with his mates
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Looks like we are heading for the moral high ground again.
To my mind, if you find that someone is "cheating" on their partner and you disapprove, the best thing to do would be to tell them that you know what they are trying to do and you will have no part in it.
Telling the partner is just minding other peoples business. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Looks like we are heading for the moral high ground again.
To my mind, if you find that someone is "cheating" on their partner and you disapprove, the best thing to do would be to tell them that you know what they are trying to do and you will have no part in it.
Telling the partner is just minding other peoples business."
not at all, i dont give a monkeys what other people do, but i had met them already and i actually liked them and agreed to meet them again
But after he asked me to meet behind her back i very quickly went off him
so when she text me asking if i was free that weekend what was i supposed to say.....was i supposed to spin a web of lies to cover for him
it wasnt a case of minding others peoples buisness it was a case of not being prepaired to lie for him so when she asked why i had decided not to meet again i told her
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself
Sounds like interfering in someone elses marriage to me....Some things are best left alone.
well thats your opinion and your entitled to it
as i said i believe in treating others how id like to be treat, if my hubby was fucking about behind my back id sooner be told than be the twat sat at home with the kids thinking we was ok and he was just out with his mates
"
I totally agree with you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Looks like we are heading for the moral high ground again.
To my mind, if you find that someone is "cheating" on their partner and you disapprove, the best thing to do would be to tell them that you know what they are trying to do and you will have no part in it.
Telling the partner is just minding other peoples business.
not at all, i dont give a monkeys what other people do, but i had met them already and i actually liked them and agreed to meet them again
But after he asked me to meet behind her back i very quickly went off him
so when she text me asking if i was free that weekend what was i supposed to say.....was i supposed to spin a web of lies to cover for him
it wasnt a case of minding others peoples buisness it was a case of not being prepaired to lie for him so when she asked why i had decided not to meet again i told her
"
I would have done the same |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Looks like we are heading for the moral high ground again.
To my mind, if you find that someone is "cheating" on their partner and you disapprove, the best thing to do would be to tell them that you know what they are trying to do and you will have no part in it.
Telling the partner is just minding other peoples business.
not at all, i dont give a monkeys what other people do, but i had met them already and i actually liked them and agreed to meet them again
But after he asked me to meet behind her back i very quickly went off him
so when she text me asking if i was free that weekend what was i supposed to say.....was i supposed to spin a web of lies to cover for him
it wasnt a case of minding others peoples buisness it was a case of not being prepaired to lie for him so when she asked why i had decided not to meet again i told her
"
Really tricky situation you were in tbh... and there is no right or wrong. I have a female friend whose (now ex)partner kept texting me, I could not figure whether he was trying to meet me to make her jealous, find out about what she was up to or just a bit of attention seeking on his part. Either way, it did not sit right with me and I told him that I would be forwarding his texts to her. It stopped! I never had another one of him and I did mention it to my female friend who was grateful for the thumbs up. Having said that, I can also see how ttrying to be helpful this scenario could have damaged my relationship with my female friend.... I guess I had knonw her for many years and there was and still is a lot of trust between us.
Now wondering if this post is helpful? tongue (no not Pete) somewhere firmly in cheek...;-) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I admit that dealing with guys trying to meet behind their partners back is indeed a difficult and upsetting situation. But I would never interfere in anyones marriage and cause trouble within in. Of course the wrong doing is entirely the guys fault, but I wouldn't feel it my right to interfere in a strangers relationship. I wouldn't have lied, I would just have said that I have my reasons for not wanting to meet again and I wasn't willing to share the reason other than I'm not meeting, please don't contact me again. |
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
"So would you feel satisfied if your actions resulted in the break up of their marriage?..... did you know them personally already?
This would make a good forum thread..."
OMG how on earth could you suggest it made her feel satisfied!!!
I sat for a good few years thingking a woman was only a "friend" to my husband. My mum in law(his mum) didnt like the relationship he had with her and nor did some other friends....I so desperately wish someone would have sat me down and really made me smell the coffee as the last few years of my marriage were a massive lie.....
Sorry but I would rather say something as I wish i had been told,dont want others to go through the pain i went through being made a fool off. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think if I was in that situation, as in my husband was texting and trying to arrange a meet behind my back I'd like to know.
If it had gotten to that stage then there's more wrong in a marriage than just a guy chancing all for a quick shag, respect and trust obviously mean little to him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself
Sounds like interfering in someone elses marriage to me....Some things are best left alone.
well thats your opinion and your entitled to it
as i said i believe in treating others how id like to be treat, if my hubby was fucking about behind my back id sooner be told than be the twat sat at home with the kids thinking we was ok and he was just out with his mates
"
I was in this situation where my partner at the time was messaging a couple we had met previously wanting to meet them without my involvment.
They told me and I was grateful.....and the partner was dumped.
Never for one minute was annoyed/upset/pissed off at the couple for telling me  |
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"this wasn't the intention of the thread when i opened it... 
its all going pete tong!!!It's all gone a bit George Michael. . . . . WHAM!!! 
its all gone a bit batman. . . . . KEPOW!!
THWACK!!"
BLAM!!
But you WERE trying to be helpful in starting the thread so what else could you expect |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well I tried to be helpful allowing my daughter and her boyfriend to live with me for basically nothing while they saved for a deposit for a flat.
Instead he's bought an Audi TT and they're spending Christmas in Las Vegas.
Now I've raised their rent, stopped mothering them I'm the bad guy! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I tried to be helpful allowing my daughter and her boyfriend to live with me for basically nothing while they saved for a deposit for a flat.
Instead he's bought an Audi TT and they're spending Christmas in Las Vegas.
Now I've raised their rent, stopped mothering them I'm the bad guy! "
Saw your original post, glad you've seen sense and your not the bad guy x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself
Sounds like interfering in someone elses marriage to me....Some things are best left alone.
well thats your opinion and your entitled to it
as i said i believe in treating others how id like to be treat, if my hubby was fucking about behind my back id sooner be told than be the twat sat at home with the kids thinking we was ok and he was just out with his mates
"
i totalyy agree with u i would have done the same thing in this situation and would do this if i found out any of my vanilla friends were playing away or had tried to dont like lies and cheaters i have been the one cheated on and oblivious to it also i would hope that someone would tell me if my partner had tried to arrange a mee or had a meet without me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Being helpful backfires when I hold the door open for someone and they walk through it without so much as a smile or thanks.
I feel like I'm doing my good deed for the day and end up feeling disgruntled!
Oh and I would have told his wife too |
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"yeah i told the female half of a couple on here her hubby was mailing me to meet him alone behind her back
of course i turned out the be the bad guy as is usually the case as most find it easier to blame someone else than accept they have a problem
but hey hoo lifes goes on lol
Why would you feel the need to do that?
to do what? to tell someone their partner was trying to arrange a meet behind their back
because if it was me id hope someone would tell me my fella was doing that and i believe in treating others how id like to be treat myself
Sounds like interfering in someone elses marriage to me....Some things are best left alone.
well thats your opinion and your entitled to it
as i said i believe in treating others how id like to be treat, if my hubby was fucking about behind my back id sooner be told than be the twat sat at home with the kids thinking we was ok and he was just out with his mates
I totally agree with you. "
I agree too,this isnt saying hubby is sneaking around,which may be _umour,conjecture ect.This is hubby is trying to sneak around with ME and wants ME to lie for them.One of the many reasons we don't play with marrieds. |
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It would seem to me that several women on this thread who have themselves been in a position of being cheated on, feel it would be ok to pass all that hurt onto the wife of this 'cheat' husband of the couple.
Now you know all too well the hurt you felt yourselves when this happened to you in your past, it must have been terrible and I don't envy the pain it must have caused you, I can't begin to know how that felt.....Yet you are only too happy to share this feeling of deep hurt and pain with a fellow member of womankind?
SURELY the sensible thing to do is straighten the cheat husband out and say any more messages like that and you will let the wife know?....then halt contact with this couple???
SURELY that is better than subjecting this other woman to all that hurt?
Particularly when you know how that feels?
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
I don't know what I would do in that situation but surely if the husband is trying to meet women alone he would be caught out eventually anyway? so the woman would still be hurt, just the time might be different. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jane,
I think I'd rather be told straight out what my husband was up to behind my back than have everyone else know but me, instead of feeling cuckolded as well as crushed emotionally. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Jane,
I think I'd rather be told straight out what my husband was up to behind my back than have everyone else know but me, instead of feeling cuckolded as well as crushed emotionally. "
+1 |
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"I don't know what I would do in that situation but surely if the husband is trying to meet women alone he would be caught out eventually anyway? so the woman would still be hurt, just the time might be different."
The trouble is putting oneself in the position of referee over the future of strangers marriages (and yes, we are talking strangers here....not lifelong friends) is taking up the position without being asked to.
I certainly wouldn't want to break the heart of another woman just because I think I am some sort of Moral judge, or because I myself had previously been hurt by a man and felt it was my duty...
Just because someone has been hurt themself it doesn't give them the right to interfere in the marriage of a stranger on a swingers website...whether you have met them or not, all they are is fellow swingers...nothing else. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
".
Just because someone has been hurt themself it doesn't give them the right to interfere in the marriage of a stranger on a swingers website...whether you have met them or not, all they are is fellow swingers...nothing else."
I broadly agree with you on the subject of having teh right to interfere... I would however say that each and every situation is different and whether or not somebody blows the whistle should consider the personalities involved, the background etc. It is certainly not a black and white matter and needs careful consideration of the consequences if one does or does not blow the whistle...? |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
"It would seem to me that several women on this thread who have themselves been in a position of being cheated on, feel it would be ok to pass all that hurt onto the wife of this 'cheat' husband of the couple.
Now you know all too well the hurt you felt yourselves when this happened to you in your past, it must have been terrible and I don't envy the pain it must have caused you, I can't begin to know how that felt.....Yet you are only too happy to share this feeling of deep hurt and pain with a fellow member of womankind?
SURELY the sensible thing to do is straighten the cheat husband out and say any more messages like that and you will let the wife know?....then halt contact with this couple???
SURELY that is better than subjecting this other woman to all that hurt?
Particularly when you know how that feels?
"
Sweep it all under the carpet. Pretend it aint happening. It aint my life, why should I get involved. Let the stupid woman carry on being cheated on, I don't care? Come on Jane!
Sorry, we are both of the opinion that the cheat should be outted! They are asking these people to lie for them. They are trying to involve unwitting people to be complicit in their cheating. No matter what your _iews on cheating and we understand the low morals on sites like this seem to accept it, when it involves an innocent party it should be dealt with. |
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".
Just because someone has been hurt themself it doesn't give them the right to interfere in the marriage of a stranger on a swingers website...whether you have met them or not, all they are is fellow swingers...nothing else.I broadly agree with you on the subject of having teh right to interfere... I would however say that each and every situation is different and whether or not somebody blows the whistle should consider the personalities involved, the background etc. It is certainly not a black and white matter and needs careful consideration of the consequences if one does or does not blow the whistle...?"
But there are no consequences that would impact on a third party are there?
Not if you give him short thrift and cut off contact with the couple.
Or none that a fellow swinger should be losing sleep over, the bottom line is it's not our business to interfere with strangers relationships.
Lets look at it another way, if the cheating husband had approached a relationship councellor about his angst should the councellor equally feel it 'only right' to inform the wife that her husband is cheating just because he/she had been hurt themselves in the past? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It would seem to me that several women on this thread who have themselves been in a position of being cheated on, feel it would be ok to pass all that hurt onto the wife of this 'cheat' husband of the couple.
Now you know all too well the hurt you felt yourselves when this happened to you in your past, it must have been terrible and I don't envy the pain it must have caused you, I can't begin to know how that felt.....Yet you are only too happy to share this feeling of deep hurt and pain with a fellow member of womankind?
SURELY the sensible thing to do is straighten the cheat husband out and say any more messages like that and you will let the wife know?....then halt contact with this couple???
SURELY that is better than subjecting this other woman to all that hurt?
Particularly when you know how that feels?
"
With you 100%!
I cannot understand why casual sex partners would want to get immersed in this kind of situation.
These types of men will usually blame the third party, and of course we know who the wife will believe!
Don't get it! |
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I would like someone to inform me if my other half was playing around behind my back. However that doesnt automatically mean I will believe that person if I didnt know them, but I would make my own enquires and snopp around before i confronted the OH. But we are all different. |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
I think it is a damned good job that those we rely on aren't swingers!
Take a look at the 50/50 post by Dave... Judging by what is put on this thread it looks like those 5 strangers would not even get a chance. All I can say is don't get into trouble and expect a swinger to help you!  |
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"I think it is a damned good job that those we rely on aren't swingers!
Take a look at the 50/50 post by Dave... Judging by what is put on this thread it looks like those 5 strangers would not even get a chance. All I can say is don't get into trouble and expect a swinger to help you! "
Why would I or anyone expect a swinger (a stranger) to help me?
Rely on?
We all impower ourselves to defend and nurture our own relationships, we don't have to rely on the help of complete strangers on a swingers site.
There isn't some kind of secret swingers code at work here....it's just a site where people meet for NSA sex.
I won't meet cheats....equally I wouldn't interefere in their relationship out of some sort of feeling of ill judged duty. |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
"I think it is a damned good job that those we rely on aren't swingers!
Take a look at the 50/50 post by Dave... Judging by what is put on this thread it looks like those 5 strangers would not even get a chance. All I can say is don't get into trouble and expect a swinger to help you!
Why would I or anyone expect a swinger (a stranger) to help me?
Rely on?
We all impower ourselves to defend and nurture our own relationships, we don't have to rely on the help of complete strangers on a swingers site.
There isn't some kind of secret swingers code at work here....it's just a site where people meet for NSA sex.
I won't meet cheats....equally I wouldn't interefere in their relationship out of some sort of feeling of ill judged duty."
Jane... Although I did mention swingers, it was in relation to what seems to be quite a few people on here with selective blindness when it comes to their own pleasure. It was not exclusively about swingers. Does it make a difference if you are out in vanilla world? If you saw someone in trouble when out doing the shopping, would you help?
Trouble is, if not would you be bleating if you are being chased by a guy with a knife and no one helps you, even by just calling the police?
You have made me very glad that I don't live in your world! |
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"
Jane... Although I did mention swingers, it was in relation to what seems to be quite a few people on here with selective blindness when it comes to their own pleasure. It was not exclusively about swingers. Does it make a difference if you are out in vanilla world? If you saw someone in trouble when out doing the shopping, would you help?
Trouble is, if not would you be bleating if you are being chased by a guy with a knife and no one helps you, even by just calling the police?
You have made me very glad that I don't live in your world!"
So because I won't or wouldn't interfere in the marriage of a stranger on a swingers site you feel you have the right to assume I wouldn't or do not, help or come to the assistance of strangers in everyday life?
That's a big assumption.....based on very little facts or knowledge about my private life.
That's very rude of you and uncalled for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Helping someone in trouble is not the same as interfering in someones marriage.
If I saw someone in trouble and needing help of course I would help if I could, with no doubts.
But if I heard a couple arguing and the woman accusing her husband of having an affair, and I knew he was, cos Id seen him with another woman in town, then I wouldnt interfere and go and tell her. I dont feel its my place. In my opinion women and men know when things arent right at home, they just have blinkers on and they dont want to believe it. Only when they open their eyes to it can they deal with it. And I believe it has to come from them in their own time and not have reality forced upon them by a complete stranger. |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
"
Jane... Although I did mention swingers, it was in relation to what seems to be quite a few people on here with selective blindness when it comes to their own pleasure. It was not exclusively about swingers. Does it make a difference if you are out in vanilla world? If you saw someone in trouble when out doing the shopping, would you help?
Trouble is, if not would you be bleating if you are being chased by a guy with a knife and no one helps you, even by just calling the police?
You have made me very glad that I don't live in your world!
So because I won't or wouldn't interfere in the marriage of a stranger on a swingers site you feel you have the right to assume I wouldn't or do not, help or come to the assistance of strangers in everyday life?
That's a big assumption.....based on very little facts or knowledge about my private life.
That's very rude of you and uncalled for."
Oh Jane!!! Read the post again!!! I made no assumption at all, I asked the question. What is rude about that?
Judging from your reation and that you didn't read it properly, did I touch a nerve? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So what does the 'you have made me very glad that I dont live in your world' mean then?
If you dont want to live in Jane's world, why do you think it wouldnt be a good place to be. So you did make an assumption about her didnt you? |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
"Helping someone in trouble is not the same as interfering in someones marriage.
If I saw someone in trouble and needing help of course I would help if I could, with no doubts.
But if I heard a couple arguing and the woman accusing her husband of having an affair, and I knew he was, cos Id seen him with another woman in town, then I wouldnt interfere and go and tell her. I dont feel its my place. In my opinion women and men know when things arent right at home, they just have blinkers on and they dont want to believe it. Only when they open their eyes to it can they deal with it. And I believe it has to come from them in their own time and not have reality forced upon them by a complete stranger. "
Iconic! This was in relation to someone actually being used by the guy to try and cheat on his wife, not just an argument that was heard! I agree that it is unwise to get involved in an arguement that doen't involve you, but what if the guy was asking you through multiple texts to meet him without his wife?
When someone gets you involved like that and you say nothing, when the shit hits the fan it will look like you were complicit. You may even get yourself more involved than you want if she accuses you af sleeping with her man! He may even say that YOU instigated it!
To everyone
One of the things that has struck me is that someone who admits to never having been in this postion, it telling those that have that they are wrong! |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
"So what does the 'you have made me very glad that I dont live in your world' mean then?
If you dont want to live in Jane's world, why do you think it wouldnt be a good place to be. So you did make an assumption about her didnt you? "
Not at all. Jane has definate _iews on this site about things I disagree with her on. Sometimes I do agree with her, but I would not like to live in her world from what I see of it's general layout (on here) on multiple posts! |
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By *abio OP Man
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
do you know when you start a thread in a jovial manner..
and it was suppose to be light-hearted...
and suppose to fill people with stories of mirth and merriment
well... this was suppose to be one of them
so my one request for this thread now.... Lock it please..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldnt get involved. If I was being involved in some way, if a guy was messaging me on here behind his partners back, I would tell him that I want no more to do with him and block him. In the unlikely situation where he had my number, I would ignore texts and soon it would stop.
It is my belief that people face pain when they are ready to. Those wives who suspect their husbands are having an affair, usually dont face the signs until they are strong enough to come to terms with it. When the truth is thrust upon someone and by a stranger who has no feelings for them or a need to protect you, then its no wonder that wives dont take too kindly to the person telling them. They are not ready to face it.
I dont think its right to interfere in matters this personal.
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"Everytime married people get mentioned this happens....and getting personal doesn't help anyone.
Calm down people. "
It's a very good debate, please don't close the thread, there is no need for people to make it so personal, we can have an adult debate without this so let's carry on.....please Rugby. |
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
"Helping someone in trouble is not the same as interfering in someones marriage.
If I saw someone in trouble and needing help of course I would help if I could, with no doubts.
But if I heard a couple arguing and the woman accusing her husband of having an affair, and I knew he was, cos Id seen him with another woman in town, then I wouldnt interfere and go and tell her. I dont feel its my place. In my opinion women and men know when things arent right at home, they just have blinkers on and they dont want to believe it. Only when they open their eyes to it can they deal with it. And I believe it has to come from them in their own time and not have reality forced upon them by a complete stranger. "
Wow sweeping statement there....I certainly didnt have blinkers on...there was no not wanting to beleieve it....I just didnt see it and noone sat down with me and had a serious chat as a friend to make me see what i wasnt seeing. Once I did finally get told by himself I knocked me sideways....but certainly wasnt trying to hide from the truth.
If I knew earlier I could have spent my pregnancy in control of mine and my babies future and would have had my cousin at the birth as my birth partner instead.
Unless it happens to you please dont assume that these ladies are hiding from the truth. I struggled for years with the fact that i wasnt given the choice about what was happeneing and the last to know. I wish to god a friend had made me sit down and see all. |
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
Iconic have you been in the situation being discussed?
If you have you speak from firsthand experience and speak from the experience then great but if its you saying IF it happened to me i would or wouldnt do this.
I would rather know as it killed me being lied to(hence why I am so for the truth)but am sure some others that maybe didnt want to beleieve it and had blinkers maybe would rather not know than face the truth.
That isnt my experience.
But do you speak from experience? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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About ten years ago a the wife of a friend of mine made a pass while I was stopping over at their house.I was woken up at 2 am with her trying to toss me off and telling me to be quite!!
I said sorry I can't do this and she stopped.I said let's just forget it happened and carry on.I never stayed over again and only turned up when I knew we would not be alone.
I then found out she was having an affair with a mutual friend of us both.
Not only this but there was a distinct possibility their second child was not fathered by my childhood friend.
I dug around and collared the "mutual" friend and he confirmed under pressure that he had been having an affair and she was seeing other people as well!
My friend in question was a life long friend since we were under 10 years old.His kids called me uncle and his parents treated me as a son.I was treated like a brother.
I weighed up all the options for a long time then decided I had to say something.
We had a meeting he ended up in tears sobbing like a kid and went home to sort it out.
HE NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN and they are still together.
Being the "pigeon of doom" often get's you tarred with the message you bring so I advise caution.
Doing the right thing or not |
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
Hard that is awful and great to hear from someone on the other side of it.
I am amazed that he never spoke to you again.
What i can say from experience is that I still find it hard to meet with friends that were fiends with me and my ex husband when we were married and happy. They know me as the happy married lady desperately in love with my husband and so very proud of the man he was. They have seen me go through depression due to his choice(leaving when our baby was weeks old rather than early in pregnancy)and having come out the opther side as a single mum working hard as a volunteer and trying to support our child who has struggled massively in the past few years with his dads choices and what kind of a parent he is now.
Its really hard to be with them as friends as the topic of conversation always comes back to the ex and how things are going with the kids and him.
The friends I have now are friends that didnt know me beforehand and find thse friends more confy now.
I am sure this is probably how I feel and little to do with how they feel.
So can nsympathise with how your friend must have felt and understand. But I would have and never have blamed anyone else for my marriage breakup except the people directly involved(including me of course).
Am praying one day he comes back as a friend and maybe will express how hard he may ben finding to look at you as you are bound to remind him of his wife who he is still(maybe) pretending to be happy and trust her.
You didnt do anything wrong and he was unfoar to you. Honesty is still the best policy in my book x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Everytime married people get mentioned this happens....and getting personal doesn't help anyone.
Calm down people.
It's a very good debate, please don't close the thread, there is no need for people to make it so personal, we can have an adult debate without this so let's carry on.....please Rugby."
It amazes me at times why people ask for threads to be closed. I agree with Jane that this has been a very good debate, some excellent posts on both sides of the argument and a very enjoyable read.
Don't forget that people only choose to get personal in a debate if their argument is running out of steam, debating skills are weak or if they are carrying baggage from earlier different debates. (This is a general comment and not directed at a specific individual on this thread). When this behaviior is seen we should isolate it, out it and move on with the debate.
Less censorship! More personal responsibility!
(mmm, I like that, I might turn that into a banner!).
Rugby, I applaud you for not adopting a 'knee jerk' reaction. We are adults and should have the opportunity to discuss all subjects on an open forum. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"one thing about this thread and the other regarding the girlfriend wanting to meet behind her boyfriend's back...
Am so happy I AM A SINGLE GUY ON HERE. "
Have you double checked that your single |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think not only on this debate but any debate the people who cry "foul" are often aware of the truths but do not like them opened up.
I'm with you less censorship and more responsibility for what you say.
If anyone is going to "gob off" they should be allowed to but take the repercussions for what they say. |
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By *abio OP Man
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"
It amazes me at times why people ask for threads to be closed. I agree with Jane that this has been a very good debate, some excellent posts on both sides of the argument and a very enjoyable read.
Don't forget that people only choose to get personal in a debate if their argument is running out of steam, debating skills are weak or if they are carrying baggage from earlier different debates. (This is a general comment and not directed at a specific individual on this thread). When this behaviior is seen we should isolate it, out it and move on with the debate.
Less censorship! More personal responsibility!
(mmm, I like that, I might turn that into a banner!).
Rugby, I applaud you for not adopting a 'knee jerk' reaction. We are adults and should have the opportunity to discuss all subjects on an open forum. "
I said to myself I wouldn't get involved in this thread....
no offence but when i started this thread... like i said it was meant to be a light hearted thread based on what I had gone thru..
you know me well enough to know that if this was what I meant.. then it would have been the title I would have chosen..
I aint shy from starting something that may be controvsial...
what this thread has now morphed into is a topic that it emotive, and tears people apart and normally decends into mud slinging, personal attacks and massive arguements...
whilst i am amazed, shocked and impressed that it is something civilised... it is not something that I want to associated with starting because of the way that it has gone...
and thats why i asked for it to be shut...
start it again in a different thread... take out my opening post if you like...
I just want nothing to do with something that in the end is going to hurt people
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"one thing about this thread and the other regarding the girlfriend wanting to meet behind her boyfriend's back...
Am so happy I AM A SINGLE GUY ON HERE.
Have you double checked that your single "
I check everyday... Before I open my eyes for the first time in the morning, I always stretch out my arm to the other side of the bed,,,, to check for other skin.
I remember so clearly my slutty younger days
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Iconic have you been in the situation being discussed?
If you have you speak from firsthand experience and speak from the experience then great but if its you saying IF it happened to me i would or wouldnt do this.
I would rather know as it killed me being lied to(hence why I am so for the truth)but am sure some others that maybe didnt want to beleieve it and had blinkers maybe would rather not know than face the truth.
That isnt my experience.
But do you speak from experience?"
Fruit, I have to admit that I don't speak from experience in relation to being cheated on, so I don't know first hand how that feels and I agree that my thoughts on this matter are sweeping and generalistic. So yes without firsthand knowledge then I cannot possibly know, and I apologise to you if I offended you.
I have however been in a situation where deep down I knew things were wrong but the fear of confronting it, and if my suspicions were correct would be a truly horrific outcome, but I almost convinced myself that I was being stupid and everything was really ok. I needed time to come to terms with my suspicions in my head first and to have a few months of being happy because I knew that when the truth came out I would be devastated and my life turned upside down and I'd be unhappy for a long time and I was frightened of it.
Of course there came a point down the line when I had to know the truth and that was the time I presented at the hospital and of course my suspicions were confirmed as correct and I had to be treated there and then and so I had no option for it to be dealt with and of course I did have my world turned upside down and went through a year of depression.
Maybe I was stupid, it would have been the same outcome just earlier down the line, but I wasn't ready to face it then. Afterwards lots of people told me I was silly and I should have confronted it but I faced it when I felt emotionally strong enough to.
So that's why in a matter so personal as someones marriage, I wouldn't like to be the catalyst of any possible life changing moments, especially if they are strangers. If they were true friends I would mull it over in my head, if it was a stranger I wouldn't entertain the idea.
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"
Rugby, I applaud you for not adopting a 'knee jerk' reaction. We are adults and should have the opportunity to discuss all subjects on an open forum. "
Thankyou, as much as possible mods try to keep threads open with a little reminder to cool it a bit. Sometimes the reminder doesn't work so the inevitible happens.
There are certain subjects that get very passionate posts and this is one of them, but I think it can also bring some great debates so why they should be allowed to run |
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
I am sure that there are people who ignore the signs and pretend to not notice them for fear of it all changing,I unfortunately didnt realise and was so blissfully in love so didnt see any signs and wasnt for fear of it all changing but do recognise others have different experiences.
My experience effected me with depression which I dealt with ages ago with doctors and councillors and have worked hard to deal with my childs depression from it.
Because of my jaded experience i now stick with swinging as I dont have to trust someone and dont have to meet them often or the same person twice. I sleep alone every night and choose too.
I have just stopped dating after being messed around so ended it as I now see signs and not blinded by love. I probably actually look for it to all go wrong lol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Great post Iconic.
I must say I enjoyed reading Fruit's posts too.
Even though they have elements that are opposing _iews it's hard to argue with open honest well written posts that draw on personal life experiences.
My _iew on the discussion is that nobody has a defined duty to be a good Samaritan. It is a choice. We should also never forget that one persons good Samaritan is another persons 'interfering busy body' (or worse!).
Every case has it's own individual circumstances. If faced with this dilemma (and I have been on a number of occassions in the past) I would hope that I based my decision of what to do on those specific individual circumstances. A stranger on a swinging site is different to a lifelong friend which is different to a sibling.
It shouldn't be an easy decision, it's a single decision that could be the catalyst that completely changes the lives of a number of people.
Sometimes I think it's healthy not to have a 'black and white' predetermined _iew of life, colour sometimes throws up a lot of detail. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Theres so many ways of seeing this scenario..ethically...its no wonder theres dissagreement...
For some people..there perspective..will be black and white...bit like Emmanuel Kant..
I was betrayed and only wish someone had told me ....but thats my perspective.. |
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"Iconic have you been in the situation being discussed?
If you have you speak from firsthand experience and speak from the experience then great but if its you saying IF it happened to me i would or wouldnt do this.
I would rather know as it killed me being lied to(hence why I am so for the truth)but am sure some others that maybe didnt want to beleieve it and had blinkers maybe would rather not know than face the truth.
That isnt my experience.
But do you speak from experience?"
You see I think you have got this the wrong way around Fruit....the original point wasn't about wanting to know if you were being cheated on, I can understand that some people would want to be told in that situation but that wasn't the point in hand was it?, so having experience of being cheated on has little or nothing to do with it.
The point first raised was being in a position of 'grassing up' a cheating husband, you haven't got to have experience of being cheated on in order to make the decision of whether or not to let a woman (a stranger on a swingers site) know that her beloved husband or partner is cheating on her.
So being in a postion of having been cheated on, or not, doesn't make any individual any more 'qualified' to comment on the matter of 'grassing up' a cheating husband....I haven't been cheated on yet am still perfectly able to make my own decisions on whether or not to interfere in a strangers relationship.
This has been a great debate though and I have enjoyed reading most other members comments on it....both sides. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As much as I would want to be told myself,
I`d find it hard to weigh it all up...so much depends on the circumstances...each situation has its own dynamic...
Cock on the block here...I wouldn`t say anything...but as View said , neither would I lie..if asked...my own integrity wouldn`t be compromised....
Lines eh...shifting.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once took a call from the wife of a guy who had told me he was single. I refused to lie to her but also didn't feel the need to tell her the whole truth as in she asked how did you meet him I said on Internet ,she asked what site I said she needed to ask him. For me I felt it was the best thing I could do at the time. |
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So, as you are a self confessed blocked timewaster...
