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One of the hardest days of my life today
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It's been 19 years today I lost my beloved father. So this time of year is always a bad time. But this morning was much tougher than other years. My mum god bless her suffers with dementia. I woke her as normal, got her washed etc and out of bed, then she looked at the flowers that I had done for her and thought today was the day she was getting wed to my dad. God it totally broke me. We usually have a day of remenicing and looking at photos etc and talking about years gone by. How do I deal will this? Do I carry on as normal and play along with it, do I still get the photos out and reminice. I really don't know what to do  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's been 19 years today I lost my beloved father. So this time of year is always a bad time. But this morning was much tougher than other years. My mum god bless her suffers with dementia. I woke her as normal, got her washed etc and out of bed, then she looked at the flowers that I had done for her and thought today was the day she was getting wed to my dad. God it totally broke me. We usually have a day of remenicing and looking at photos etc and talking about years gone by. How do I deal will this? Do I carry on as normal and play along with it, do I still get the photos out and reminice. I really don't know what to do "
Carry on as normal, one smile from her will make it worthwhile even if it breaks you a little later. Hugs xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bless you OP. My mother has vascular dementia so I know how hard it is.
I would suggest just do the same as normal. Otherwise she may get confused more so when the wedding doesn't happen. |
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I had to explain to my mum everytime I looked after her that her mum was dead then somebody said just play along with it - she won't remember either way
Whatever you decide it's horrendous seeing your parents like this x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Both of our mums had that dreaded disease and it truly hurts everyone ..but what got us through to their passing was knowing that somehow that mind goes back into a safe place in their life with no stress or horrible memories of any physical or mental problems.Take care of her and cherish everyday she is with you,but dont forget to take care of your mental health as well. |
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By *ast_jjMan
over a year ago
Dublin and London |
"
Both of our mums had that dreaded disease and it truly hurts everyone ..but what got us through to their passing was knowing that somehow that mind goes back into a safe place in their life with no stress or horrible memories of any physical or mental problems.Take care of her and cherish everyday she is with you,but dont forget to take care of your mental health as well."
Some very sound advice... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Going through a similar experience with my dad. At the moment he has disinherited me and sends me the most vile heart wrenching emails as to how wicked I am and how ashamed he is of me etc etc. It's utterly heartbreaking for us, we remember the person who was, they don't. If your mum wants to look at pics - look at pics. It might make your horrid day more bearable with the memories looking at them conjure up for you. Whatever you do, hugs xxxxxxxxx |
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Having been through this with my Grandmother who lived with us, I know exactly how this feels. As heartbreaking as it is, sometimes its best to just play along and wait it out until their mind naturally jumps to another time. We found it a little easier than explaining that the husband or child she was looking for was dead, as it was always such devastating news to her. We'd say the person was at work or school or visiting another relative and would be home later... Usually bought us some time until her mind wandered to another time and she forgot who she was fretting over  sending you big hugs xoxox |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are support groups out there so talk with others as the behavior patterns are fairly common .
Sadly the mind goes and the body often stays healthy for sometime which truly makes it even harder to deal with.
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"It's been 19 years today I lost my beloved father. So this time of year is always a bad time. But this morning was much tougher than other years. My mum god bless her suffers with dementia. I woke her as normal, got her washed etc and out of bed, then she looked at the flowers that I had done for her and thought today was the day she was getting wed to my dad. God it totally broke me. We usually have a day of remenicing and looking at photos etc and talking about years gone by. How do I deal will this? Do I carry on as normal and play along with it, do I still get the photos out and reminice. I really don't know what to do
Carry on as normal, one smile from her will make it worthwhile even if it breaks you a little later. Hugs xx"
This..
time later on when your Mum is settled in for the night that you will have time to put your feet up and relax, if you still feel like getting photo's out etc then do it then maybe..
hope the day goes as well as such things can for you.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanku everyone
I've took on board all your advice. I'm not going to upset her with the fact that dad isn't around. I'm treating today as any other day. No doubt at some point later we will look at the photos like we do all the time. It just took me by surprise. It's another sad day tomorrow as it woukd have been my nans birthday, but that will be easier to handle than today. Dementia and alzimers are very cruel cruel illnesses. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Smile talk look at pics...
Let her talk they're her memories and a place where she is happy...
I know it may be breaking your heart but try not to let it show to your mum...
Hold her close and remember the good things...
Hugs for you ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's been 19 years today I lost my beloved father. So this time of year is always a bad time. But this morning was much tougher than other years. My mum god bless her suffers with dementia. I woke her as normal, got her washed etc and out of bed, then she looked at the flowers that I had done for her and thought today was the day she was getting wed to my dad. God it totally broke me. We usually have a day of remenicing and looking at photos etc and talking about years gone by. How do I deal will this? Do I carry on as normal and play along with it, do I still get the photos out and reminice. I really don't know what to do "
I used to work in a Nursing Home. We had lots of Dementia patients to care for. I'd love to be able to give you some good advice, but dementia is so unique to the people who suffer from it, that there isn't a right answer; I don't think.
If a resident believed it was a certain day in their past, we used to play along a little, not too deeply. Enough so that they were as happy and as comfortable as they could be.
I worked as an Activities Coordinator to begin with, then moved onto direct care. The training I was given was useless, so we used trial and error to find out what made individual residents the most happy.
We found anything to do with children, animals or nostalgia used to bring back remarkable moments of clarity and beautiful smiles.. very rewarding.
Unfortunately you're in a bit of a pickle.. it makes me want to cry, thinking of your mum waiting for your dad.. and thinking of you having to watch all of this play out. So I'm sending you a mahoosive hug (HUG).
Perhaps, given she is happy now, it may be best to play along a little.. but try to distract her with other nostalgic things like photo albums or music.. that doesn't bring up memories of your father.
The other option is fessing up, which will be very hard for her to grasp, extraordinarily upsetting for her if she understands.
I'm here if you need to talk xxxx |
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