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Can exes be friends?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just been recently dumped by my fiancee which sucked and last Monday after a month of no contact she decided to call me up out of the blue crying her eyes out.
Turns out a week after we broke up she was seeing someone else who broke up with her. She said she wants to be friends with me, that she cares about me and a part of her still loves me so I'm quite confused by it.
I still have feelings for her, I still love her, I'm only really to get over her because I know there's no chance she's ever gonna take me back.
And now she's not even talking to me. So after reopening all those old wounds she's now blanking me. I don't get it, if she wanted to be friends, why is she ignoring me? Do you think we could ever be friends or maybe even get back together at some point?
Just looking for some advice.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Time to cut contact. If you have feelings then it's incredibly difficult to remove those and just be friends with someone. And if she knows you still have feelings for her, there's every chance she'll exploit that to get things she wants.
Maybe I'm just an old cynic, but it's better to cut contact altogether than stay friends with someone you were close enough to to want to marry. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She sounds an utter heartless bitch. You're well rid and she got what she deserved. I'd say don't be friends with her. If she contacts you again tell her you've met someone lovely and she should fuck off. x |
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Yeah you can but that don't mean you should.
With this one I'd say no, she made her bed but don't go tucking her into it.
If you end up as mates that's further down the line, if you get back as fiance's that's different and nothing wrong with it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ask your self, would she have been back in contact if she wasn't dumped herself ? Totally have sympathy for you mate, I was dumped 3 weeks ago, the day after my sister died. Broke my heart, but as hard as it is, I decided to get up, and move on. I had done nothing wrong, and it was her lose. Sounds like you deserve better too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds to me like she using you for a shoulder to cry on, I think you should move on, yes it's hard to be without someone you love but it's harder to be around them when they don't love you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Time to cut contact. If you have feelings then it's incredibly difficult to remove those and just be friends with someone. And if she knows you still have feelings for her, there's every chance she'll exploit that to get things she wants.
Maybe I'm just an old cynic, but it's better to cut contact altogether than stay friends with someone you were close enough to to want to marry. "
This. Have recently been through exactly the same. The only way I could get through it was to cut ties completely. It's hard. Believe me it's hard but remember she left you and jumped straight into another relationship, then when it didn't work out she came back to you. Don't ever be second choice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone's situations are different so you should know in yourself if you can still be friends without getting used or hurt.
Always remember though that ex,s are ex,s for a reason.My ex is a tottal monster and for reasons I won't say here I have a court injunction on him.It does help to start again even though you can't see it at the moment.Just don't let love blindness guide you into the same crap that you could now be free from x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ask your self, would she have been back in contact if she wasn't dumped herself ? Totally have sympathy for you mate, I was dumped 3 weeks ago, the day after my sister died. Broke my heart, but as hard as it is, I decided to get up, and move on. I had done nothing wrong, and it was her lose. Sounds like you deserve better too. "
I actually did ask her that and she said yeah, but I think she's dating again and that's why she's ignoring me. I went to see her the other night and she wasn't in, I just needed to talk to her.
The reason we broke up was my fault, I have depression and I wasn't the nicest person to be around sometimes but I'm getting help for it.
Apparently in her eyes the bad outweighs the good. A week after we met I helped her get out of debt, I wad there when her dog died, I was there through a lot of stuff and she has mild cerebral palsy as well so it fell to me to look after her sometimes when her mum wasn't available. Its just a real kick in the ribs. |
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"Ask your self, would she have been back in contact if she wasn't dumped herself ? Totally have sympathy for you mate, I was dumped 3 weeks ago, the day after my sister died. Broke my heart, but as hard as it is, I decided to get up, and move on. I had done nothing wrong, and it was her lose. Sounds like you deserve better too.
I actually did ask her that and she said yeah, but I think she's dating again and that's why she's ignoring me. I went to see her the other night and she wasn't in, I just needed to talk to her.
The reason we broke up was my fault, I have depression and I wasn't the nicest person to be around sometimes but I'm getting help for it.
Apparently in her eyes the bad outweighs the good. A week after we met I helped her get out of debt, I wad there when her dog died, I was there through a lot of stuff and she has mild cerebral palsy as well so it fell to me to look after her sometimes when her mum wasn't available. Its just a real kick in the ribs. "
Best chance of it not happening again is to let her go mate.
The shitty feeling dosent last long if you don't want it to.
Get with ya mates they'll look after you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is possible, yes. My most recent ex is still a very close friend. It depends on the events that led up to the break up. Your ex sounds like she may be toxic to your recovery. It also sounds like she used you as a shoulder to cry on. Unforgivable given the pain she's caused you. Very selfish and self involved behaviour. Is she someone you would want as your friend? She doesn't sound like she'd be a very good one, in my opinion. You deserve people in your life who will big you up, not bring you down. I fear this girl may do the latter. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In love, you take the rough with the smooth. Ive been there mate, 2 ex's with BPD...you learn about it, you understand the moods are not personal but a symptom. Don't blame yourself for something you had no control over. You were there for her through the bad, but sounds like she wasn't prepaired to do the same. I wish you the best mate, its hard I know(giggity), but in the long run its better for your mental health than to have someone that's going to be causing you massive peaks and dips. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ask your self, would she have been back in contact if she wasn't dumped herself ? Totally have sympathy for you mate, I was dumped 3 weeks ago, the day after my sister died. Broke my heart, but as hard as it is, I decided to get up, and move on. I had done nothing wrong, and it was her lose. Sounds like you deserve better too.
I actually did ask her that and she said yeah, but I think she's dating again and that's why she's ignoring me. I went to see her the other night and she wasn't in, I just needed to talk to her.
The reason we broke up was my fault, I have depression and I wasn't the nicest person to be around sometimes but I'm getting help for it.
Apparently in her eyes the bad outweighs the good. A week after we met I helped her get out of debt, I wad there when her dog died, I was there through a lot of stuff and she has mild cerebral palsy as well so it fell to me to look after her sometimes when her mum wasn't available. Its just a real kick in the ribs.
Best chance of it not happening again is to let her go mate.
The shitty feeling dosent last long if you don't want it to.
Get with ya mates they'll look after you."
I would if I could. I accidentally fucked up a friendship. I was part of an airsoft group with a group of lads. We went on a camping trip last month and everyone was joking about their conquests, lads banter and all that.
Anyway turns out my mate had broken up with his girlfriend last Saturday because he was seen leaving someone's house at ten in the morning. When I saw his girlfriend on Saturday night she told me and d*unkenly let slip about what was said on the camping trip.
Needles to say all his mates from Essex think I'm talking shit and they say he should kick my head in, so I've left the airsoft group so there's no tension between us. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you still harbour feeling for here it's best to put some distance between the two of you.
I know you aren't going to listen, but it's the truth.
I've recently split up with someone and we tried being friends but it was obvious it was either too soon or wasn't going to work out. |
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In my experience.
Yes & No.
I'm still best of mates with my childhood sweetheart, 31yrs after we split up.
My sons dad is also still one of my closest friends, the day he introduced me to a new GF I told him he'd marry her. 10yrs later I watched him say I do.
I have at least 6 ex bfs on my Facebook that I talk with regularly.
I've also got a few I'd like to forget
And I wouldn't piss on my ex husband if he was the last man on the planet & on fire.
Guess it's how they treated you, and why you split that is the answer
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"Ask your self, would she have been back in contact if she wasn't dumped herself ? Totally have sympathy for you mate, I was dumped 3 weeks ago, the day after my sister died. Broke my heart, but as hard as it is, I decided to get up, and move on. I had done nothing wrong, and it was her lose. Sounds like you deserve better too.
I actually did ask her that and she said yeah, but I think she's dating again and that's why she's ignoring me. I went to see her the other night and she wasn't in, I just needed to talk to her.
The reason we broke up was my fault, I have depression and I wasn't the nicest person to be around sometimes but I'm getting help for it.
Apparently in her eyes the bad outweighs the good. A week after we met I helped her get out of debt, I wad there when her dog died, I was there through a lot of stuff and she has mild cerebral palsy as well so it fell to me to look after her sometimes when her mum wasn't available. Its just a real kick in the ribs.
Best chance of it not happening again is to let her go mate.
The shitty feeling dosent last long if you don't want it to.
Get with ya mates they'll look after you.
I would if I could. I accidentally fucked up a friendship. I was part of an airsoft group with a group of lads. We went on a camping trip last month and everyone was joking about their conquests, lads banter and all that.
Anyway turns out my mate had broken up with his girlfriend last Saturday because he was seen leaving someone's house at ten in the morning. When I saw his girlfriend on Saturday night she told me and d*unkenly let slip about what was said on the camping trip.
Needles to say all his mates from Essex think I'm talking shit and they say he should kick my head in, so I've left the airsoft group so there's no tension between us. "
There his mates not yours and they don't sound like mates.
You need a bit of 'you' time I reckon. Certainly don't give any time to her as it isn't going to help.
Try and be excited about the next chapter now not the last one.
You'll be ok dude. It gets easier each day. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Cheers guys, think youre all right, I'm gonna have to cut all contact with her, its the only way I can move on. Makes it harder cause she was my first proper girlfriend. |
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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago
Best Greggs in Cheshire East |
"She sounds an utter heartless bitch. You're well rid and she got what she deserved. I'd say don't be friends with her. If she contacts you again tell her you've met someone lovely and she should fuck off. x"
Brutal. To the point and spot on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"She sounds an utter heartless bitch. You're well rid and she got what she deserved. I'd say don't be friends with her. If she contacts you again tell her you've met someone lovely and she should fuck off. x
Brutal. To the point and spot on."
I actually considered that when she told me about this other guy. I didn't really wanna know, but I didn't wanna hurt her. I even said to her why shouldn't I tell you to fuck off and she said she didn't know. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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she's using you probably.
she probably dumped you for this guy and now she's wanting him but keeping you hanging coz she can't be on her own.
she contacted you and you didn't the say the right things, and so she's ghosting you until you do. it's also possible she really only wants to be friends but feels you are unable to be one and she can tell you want her back.
fuck her off. either completely or until you're well over her.
as for your original question, yes you can stay friends. you can still love them too. you cannot want to get back with them, this is what causes the problems. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The other thing to consider is - if you move on and find someone else, will that affect how you see your ex, how your new partner sees your ex, and how your ex sees both you and your new partner.
HAving an ex on the scene when you're moving on has a tendency to be messy because there's always someone who isn't happy about it. And that's usually the new partner, who doesn't like you hanging about with your ex because there's always the suspicion that you'd go back to them if you had the chance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I remain friends with all of my exes bar two. I decided that friendship with the one who had violent tendencies wasn't necessary and sadly my long term partner couldn't do the friendship thing and it was better to walk away and cut contact. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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NO! Not with this one. Cut all ties! Don't be tempted by her when she calls you suddenly.. You'll be left empty and drained and it will be your own fault. She clearly is in love with the IDEA of you being in love with her while she goes with someone else. Stay away from her like bareback with a stranger named Ebola. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's called respect.
What she did to you was to use you when she felt low and needed reassurance. Now you've boosted her again she's gone.
That sounds so harsh and reading it back to myself I'm half wondering whether to rephrase but then I wouldn't be being honest with you.
To answer your title, yes you can be great friends with an ex but not with one who won't give you respect or uses you if they need a confidence boost.
You deserve much better  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Walk....no run away.
If someone will use you in that way and you allow them to it creates a pattern that never changes.
This may sound hard but your first duty is to yourself your own happiness peace and contentment.
How will you ever achieve that if your ex knows she can manipulate you any time she wants to for her own satisfaction..
I'm sorry for your situation OP but better to do it now than to destroy yourself by waiting until further down the road...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd say, based on what you've said, no.... it seems like a toxic situation which she uses to get to you when it suits her as you are her "security" so to speak.
I have always thought that I could be friends with my ex. We've spent 15 years together, have two children, so I've thought that we could maintain a friendship (not fwb) and get along. The reality is, no we can't. The way he's handled the split and our eldest's reaction to his new "relationship" has made me lose all respect towards him as a man and a father, so I know that I cannot be friends with him....
My ex before that, yes we can be friends..... granted, it took us a while before we got there as he blamed my ex husband for our split, which in fact happened 6 months before I even met him, he just didn't want to admit it. I am now a really good friends with his current wife, brother and sister in law.
I firmly believe that if both parties handle the split with integrity, no shit stirring and they put the kids' needs above all else (if there are children), then it can work. If the adults are selfish and look out for number one only, then it sadly can't and won't work..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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myex cant hardly look me in the face - one of his kids has nothing to do with him and the other does duty calls only - but i know its not like this for everyone |
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If you still have strong feelings for them then I'd say no you can't be friends. If you've both accepted it's over and feel nothing for one another anymore then I can't see it being a problem. I'm friends with one of my exes and talk to my kids dad, but if he wasn't their dad I wouldn't want to be friends with him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Listen mate, I split up with my wife five years ago, she's on her third fella since yet she still leans on me for emotional support and uses me like I'm still her husband while these other guys get all the good stuff. It's no good, I've recently realised that our friendship is one sided and I've just been a mug all this time. I've told her I'm distancing myself from her from now on and that she needs to stop using me. You obviously still love your ex so I'd say don't waste valuable years being at her beck and call because you'll never just be friends, you'll always want more and it will destroy you pal as it has me. The only way to get over it is to sever ties and let the process happen. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Move on, it's never easy but in the long run you'll end up in a better place. I hankered after an ex years ago and all it did was hurt me and I gave him emotional support whilst he was shagging his new gf. Don't be an emotional crutch just when she decides. Delete her number. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Move on, it's never easy but in the long run you'll end up in a better place. I hankered after an ex years ago and all it did was hurt me and I gave him emotional support whilst he was shagging his new gf. Don't be an emotional crutch just when she decides. Delete her number. "
Precisely, that what I was trying to say. That's what my ex has used me as, an emotional crutch and it's just not fair. Be strong fella and walk away or you'll continue being used and hurt for years. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In fact, I lost the girl I was talking about in the lost love thread because I still allowed the ex wife to use me in that way. Don't let it happen to you. I could be married again now if I was strong enough to distance myself from the ex wife. I'll kick myself for the rest of my days. |
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