1. Announce your intention to shower, adding the caveat to the room in general that "None of you gay tossers better try copping a free look!!"
2. Strip off in your bedspace, throwing your dirty boxers at the nearest persons head, whilst wailing along to whatever music is belting out at high volume.
3. Grab your Lynx shower gel, and also your towel, give it a sniff, and so long as its not able to walk on its own, take it with you.
4. Go back for your flip-flops, which you will wear in the shower.
5. On your way to the showers, dodge the "Indiana Jones" style towel whips that are aimed at you from every direction, and throw curses at all and sundry belittling their parentage/sexual organs/sexual prowess/drinking capacity as neccessary, unless they are your mates, in which case all of the above.
6. Turn the shower on, get wet, get soapy, (use gel on hair as well as body) get rinsed and get out. Attempt to break wind at every opportunity, hoping to blow a "fart bubble". Spend at least 3 minutes in the shower.
7. If joined in the communal shower by another squaddie, immediately launch into a well rehearsed tirade about how small his tackle is, and swap insults until either he, or you, leave.
8. Dry off, avoiding any crusty areas on your towel, and try out your best cheeky "pulling" wink in the mirror.
9. Head back to your bedspace, swapping banter as you go (see 5).
10. Jump into a pair of clean jeans, some timberland boots, and a suitably garish shirt, whilst liberally applying Lynx deoderant.
11. Retrieve your towel from the bedspace of whoever you threw it at, give it another sniff, and if it doesnt make you gag, hang it on the frame of your bed to dry.
12. Announce to the whole room your intentions for the evening, which usually consists of boasting about how much you are going to drink and how many women you are going to shag, rounding off with your fruitiest fart. |
