FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Jokes, again

Jokes, again

Jump to: Newest in thread

By *etillante OP Woman over a year ago

One day teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : what kind of wife would you want Jonny?

Jonny : I want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : wow what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Jonny : no, I want her to come at night and fucking disappear in the morning!!!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *etillante OP Woman over a year ago

A lady lost three pairs of panties in her house, and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said 'Sir you are my witness, you know I never wear panties.'

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *etillante OP Woman over a year ago

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next half an hour just fondling his balls which was something she really loved doing. Enjoying it, he turned to her and asked, “Why do you love doing that so much?” All blushed she replies, “Because....I really miss mine!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My son ran into the house after school dead excited I said "whats up?" He said, "I answered a question in class today that only I knew the answer to." Brilliant news I replied, "what was the question I asked?" "Who shit in the corner? He replied."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just caught a bloke with his cock in a block of lard. The dirty fat fucker.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I put a large load in the dishwasher last night . . . As usual she spat it out!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

"One day teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : what kind of wife would you want Jonny?

Jonny : I want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : wow what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Jonny : no, I want her to come at night and fucking disappear in the morning!!!!

Love it, thanks.

Good old Jonny.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

paddy buys a bath takes it back next day complaining water keeps escaping. Manager says, "did u buy a plug for it?" Paddy says, "you f**ckin w**ker ! you neva said it was electric!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/09/11 00:02:06]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My grandad bless him still havin sex at 87 shocking because my nan lived at 65

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A fire in a Irish pub had the Fire Service perplexed as they found ten dead charcoaled Paddies standing with their hands outstreteched on the counter.

It took a junior firefighter to point out that the exit sign read "Push Bar to Open"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A couple are going to a Halloween party and the girls comes down the stairs wearing nothing but boots; so the guy says "What are you suppose to be?!" and the girl replies,

"Puss in boots" so the guy goes into the kitchen puts a potato on his penis and comes back out.

"What are you suppose to be?" the girl asks. "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've just got back from a fantastic holiday with friends in Italy."

"Rimini?"

"Well, I don't know them that well..."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

Caught a bloke with his cock in a jar of mayonnaise,

I thought fuckin Helmann!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The BBC are reporting today that the Libyan leader Col Gaddafi last night slipped into Jordan. Is there nothing Katie Price won't do for publicity?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"My grandad bless him still havin sex at 87 shocking because my nan lived at 65 "

Did she die yet ?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

Just home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championships,

Not sure were i came.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow.

I rang them today to check the time.

Fucking ten to one!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

the police came to my house earlier and said my dog had chased someone on a bike,I said fuck off my dog hasn't got a bike

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I took my ex wife bungee jumping at the weekend. She jumped first. As her neck snapped and her skull split open spraying blood all over the rocks below, My first thought was,

"That'll fucking teach you to lie about your weight"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

"I took my ex wife bungee jumping at the weekend. She jumped first. As her neck snapped and her skull split open spraying blood all over the rocks below, My first thought was,

"That'll fucking teach you to lie about your weight""

you missed "again" off of the end.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

Laying in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said, "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery."

"Because I'm worth millions to you?"

she said.

"No" I said "I wish you'd fucking roll over."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uud 4-funMan over a year ago

Dartford

""I've just got back from a fantastic holiday with friends in Italy."

"Rimini?"

"Well, I don't know them that well...""

Took my girlfriend on a holiday to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, she came with me of her own fre will.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iz78Woman over a year ago

wirral

what's green, slimey and smells of bacon???

kermit the frogs middle finger

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

A nun was having a quiet bath when she heard a banging at her door. She Immediately shouted, "Go away Im in the bath" "It's okay" replied the voice, "I'm a blind man" In this case, she allowed the man in, "Nice tits" he said,

Now where do you want these blinds?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

To the paraplegic in combat trousers who stole my wallet on the High Street this afternoon.

"You can hide but you can't run"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" To the paraplegic in combat trousers who stole my wallet on the High Street this afternoon.

"You can hide but you can't run""

Bastard! May the hairs on his arse turn into drumsticks and beat the shit out of him.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

" To the paraplegic in combat trousers who stole my wallet on the High Street this afternoon.

"You can hide but you can't run""
it was,nt me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hil McAvityMan over a year ago

Manchester

3 girls in year 9 at school:

A brunette, a redhead & a blonde!

Q. Which one has the biggest boobs?

A. The 18yr old blonde of course!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hil McAvityMan over a year ago

Manchester

I asked the man from the council if I could have a skip outside my house.

"I don't think you could skip anywhere fatty" wasn't the answer I expected!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hil McAvityMan over a year ago

Manchester

Got my own back when I went to the hospital for a prostrate exam yesterday

I found faking an orgasm made the Dr doing the exam just as uncomfortable!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents, "This is Amanda", his dad jumps up and says "It's a fuckin what?????".

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock.

I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ne-just4funMan over a year ago

Southampton

A young lad asks him mum " Mummy, mummy, is your friend bionic? No! says his mum, what makes you think that?

Well, says the boy i just heard daddy telling the man next door he screwed the ass off her last night!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...My girlfriend just asked me why I start to sing when I feel the tip of my cock going up her when were having sex...

"Cos i feel like a pop star love" i said.

"Which one?" She asked....

"Just In Beaver"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

Whenever I'm giving my girlfriend anal,

her arse makes a loud squeaky sound.

Turns out it's just her ring tone.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ngieandMrManCouple over a year ago

hereford

Some one stopped me in the street and asked me...

"What's the quickest way to hospital?"

I said, "Call me a cunt"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ngieandMrManCouple over a year ago

hereford

[Removed by poster at 12/09/11 01:34:21]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *amescoupleCouple over a year ago

north walsham

I opened the freezer this morning and found a little alien frantically wanking.

Shocked i screamed 'wtf are you doing', to which the little green sod replied.

'I cum in peas'.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, she said mine was the biggest cock she'd ever had her hands on....

I said you're pulling my leg....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oantrimcpl2010Couple over a year ago

Lisburn

A couple having sex in the garden. He says "Iwish I had bought a torch" she says "so do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for ths last 10 minutes"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ngieandMrManCouple over a year ago

hereford

"Your clitoris, it's like a prawn!"

"Yes it is rather large isn't it"

"NO... what I meant was it tastes like a fucking prawn!!!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

have you seen that thalidomide porn star ?

he's got an arm like a babies cock

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *etillante OP Woman over a year ago

How to impress a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, protect her, support her.

How to impress a man: Show up naked with a beer.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do u call a japanese woman with no legs?.

Dragin lips.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy comes home from holiday with a cock sucking frog he gives it to his wife who said wot have I to do with it?

He said teach it how to cook then fukc off.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have just got back from the strawbwerry picking world championships, some woman with no legs won it!

Jammy cunt!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex was watching the weather with Hurricane Katya battering America - she said one day I'd like to give a hurricane a name - i'd name it after my mum in honour of her memory.....I said i think the weatherman might have trouble saying watch out for Hurricane Nosey Cunt live on telly!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do u call a japanese woman with no legs?.

Dragin lips."

What do you call a Pakistani lesbian ?

Minjeeta

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ngieandMrManCouple over a year ago

hereford

A white bloke is in the loo at work when a black guy walks in and produces his monster cock to have a piss. Very impressed the white guy says, "That's really impressive, how do you get a cock like that?"

"Well we start at quite a young age, we tie a small weight on the end to stretch it. Then over time we put heavier weights on"

"I'll try that" says the white guy. When he gets home, realising he has some catching up to do he ties a house brick to his cock and leaves it on there for ages.

A couple of days later the two men meet up in the loo again and the black guy asks, "How you getting on with making your cock bigger?"

"Oh great... look... its gone black already!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...Man comes back from the benefits office and says angrily to wife, "they made me show them my grey hairy chest before they'll give me my old age pension"

Wife replies, "you should've shown them your cock,

You'd have got disability allowance as well."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...Upon climax last night, he could tell, as ususal,

he'd left his girl wanting more.

He reached down and picked up a Flash Bathroom wipe from next to the bed and gently rubbed her clit with it.

30 seconds later she had a massive orgasm and was laying sprawled out on the bed, panting.

It seems, Flash Does the hard work,

so you don't have to!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

someone told me this the other day.. the pun stuck with me

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day

Anal sex makes your hole weak!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Leeds United

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q. Why do women make love with their eyes closed

A. Because they can't bare to see a man enjoy himself

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three guys go to a brothel every week and after a few years get bored with it. They tell the Madame and she says “Come back next week and I’ll organise a treat for you all”.

Next week first man goes in and comes out smiling. What happened ask the other two. He says he went in and she poured cream all over his cock and balls and licked it off.

Next man goes and comes out smiling. What happened? He tells them he went in and she put strawberries and cream on his cock and balls and eat it and licked him so much he came, “It was wonderful” he said.

Last guy goes in. 20 minutes later he comes out but looking sad and dejected. They ask him what happened. He tells them “She put strawberries, cream and 100s & 1000s on his cock and balls” The other two ask “So why the sad face?”. He looks at them and confesses, “It looked so good I eat it myself” (;-)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost £499 or £599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

I'm looking forward to personally reviewing the surround sound feature!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the woman with five legs?

Her knickers fit her like a glove (;_)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!.................................. Marks and Spencers have decided to merge with Pound-Stretchers............................ They will now be known as 'Stretch Marks.'

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hite SnakeMan over a year ago

leeds

Teaching Maths (actually Arithmetic and cynicism) in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A timber merchant sells a lorry load of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A timber merchant sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A timber merchant sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A timber merchant sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A timber merchant cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the wildlife might feel as the timber merchant cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A timber merchant is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something... He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure B-B-Q of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The timber merchant / forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the timber merchant going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state

for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A timber merchant doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The timber merchant struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was made in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian timber merchants buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The timber merchant protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ?? ????? ?? ??? 100 ?????. ???? ?????

??????? 80 ?? ?????. ?? ?? ????? ???= 20

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oantrimcpl2010Couple over a year ago

Lisburn

[Removed by poster at 16/09/11 18:34:09]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oantrimcpl2010Couple over a year ago

Lisburn

girl goes to docs bout a rash on her fanny. Doc asks how often do you have sex? she replies once/twice a year doc says that's not a rash love its FUCKING RUST

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why waste money on expensive answering machines? When you leave the house simply plug your phone into the dvd recorder. Not only will it record the caller's voice, but you'll also get a TV picture of them speaking. Probably.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's a slow day in Cleethorpes. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a travelling salesman is driving through town. He stops at the Hotel Paradisimo and lays a £100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one in which to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, Harry, the owner, grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to Bob the butcher.

Bob takes the £100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to Peter, the pig farmer.

Peter takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the Farmers Co-op, the local supplier of feed and fuel.

The Farmer's Co-op, takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, Clarisse, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

Clarisse rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with Harry, the hotel owner.

Harry then places the £100 back on the counter so the travelling salesman will not suspect anything.

At that moment the salesman comes down the stairs, picks up the £100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

The question is, will Clarisse realise prices are futile and let me have sex without paying £100 ? (;-)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lipperyWhenWet!Couple over a year ago

Rochester

Got d*unk and ate some Lego last night!

Now I'm down the hospital waiting in A&E.

The doctors don't seem too worried but I'm shitting bricks!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

a couple sat watching TV........... The husband keeps flicking channels from golf to porn so the wife says,................."For fuck sake, leave it on porn, you already know how to play golf!!!!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman on her way to work in glasgow walks past a pet shop, when a talking parrot in a cage outside shouts

"haw you"

the woman replies "aye whit"

" yer a fat ugly cunt"

she walks on disgusted

next day same thing happens as she walks past

"haw you"

the woman replies "aye whit"

" yer a fat ugly cunt"

She takes offence and walk in to the owner telling him she'll get the police on him and have the parrot put down if the abuse continues

3rd day the woman walks past the shop, the parrot shouts

"haw you"

"aye whit" she relpies,

"you know fucking whit!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mate rang me and asked, "What are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hite SnakeMan over a year ago

leeds

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said,

'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:

'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms

– and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who are not here yet; I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said

“I want to be English with English clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat.. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed,

'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said:

'Tough luck. Now that you are English,

you're entitled to

sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you get if you take the 'I' out of Married-

Marred

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *taryscorpCouple over a year ago

boston

"Leeds United "

lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

...Fuck me I've just seen 2 deaf Lesbians walkin down the road, with their hands down each other's knickers... I think they were Lip Reading.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra...The mother ask: Why on earth do you need that? ...The little boy replies: Isn't that what you give dad when his shit don't get hard?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...I treated the wife to one of those

'fish pedicures' the other day and i must say i was very pleased with the results.

Those piranhas don't fuck about.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

Heard about the gay cowboy?

He rode into town and shot up the sheriff.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many young farmers does it take to milk a cow?

24.

Four to hold a teat each and twenty to lift the cow up and down.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

Two nuns on a tandem.

"I've never come this way before."

"Nor me, it must be the cobblestones."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

What's black and white and brown and moans?

A nun with a monk on.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

Confucious, he say : Woman who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, sets her sights too high.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood

and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty

soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about

where he got it.

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted

until he finally gave in.. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the

cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley

they went, across a river & into a huge forest..

Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around

him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!"

said the bat, "Because I f*****g didn't."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

A disapointed woman is looking at the bloke she slept with the night before,

whats the matter he asks, well the woman says when you said you were a five times a night man, I did'nt realise you meant your bloody bladder!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

I'm hosting a party later this week for people who struggle to achieve orgasm....

let me know if you can't come.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

Wife with PMT say to husband "do u want anything to eat" husband replies "What are the choices" Wife says " YES OR FUCKING NO"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the difference between a policemans' truncheon and a magicians' wand?

One is for cunning stunts and the other one is for.....

Apprehending criminals

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ammi-tvMan over a year ago

hartlepool

according to the tea company to get a good cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i went in the kitchen slapped the missus on the backside and said make me a cuppa fatty

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy and mick did a bookies over during the riots,they came out £50 down.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckscouple2007Couple over a year ago

Bucks

Do midgets go to legoland just to feel big?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

..Went to bed with three Thai girls last night-it was like winning the lottery!....

They had six matching balls.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I saw a chap driving about in his tractor last night telling everybody the world was going to end ....... It was Farmer Geddon

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1 to hold the bulb and the whole NHS to revolve the world around them

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *etillante OP Woman over a year ago

Police marksmen have had to open fire at Dale Farm, they have won 2 goldfish and a giant teddy

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hite SnakeMan over a year ago

leeds

Helpline has been set up for United fans following the Manchester Derby the number is 0161 61 61 61

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckscouple2007Couple over a year ago

Bucks

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."

"Nothing, darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lassic1Man over a year ago

bellshill

Worried about my friend....he is addicted to brake fluid....He says he can stop whenever he wants though ...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rummpsMan over a year ago

thanet

Paddy spends all day in his local bar celebrating St. Patrick's Day.

About 11pm, Jerry the barman, tells him, “ I think you've had enough now Paddy, time to head off home.”

Paddy agrees, finishes his pint and slips off his stool. Takes one step and falls flat on his face. He drags himself up and aims for the door. Two steps and he's down again, crash.

Undeterred, Paddy crawls steadily for the door. Thinking the fresh air will revived him. He scrambles up the doorpost and manages to get the door open. One deep breath and he's head first down the steps ending in a heap on the pavement.

“Bugger this” thinks Paddy. “I'm not trying that again. I'll crawl home.”

An hour or so later he's outside his gate which he manages to clamber over, at lasts gets the key in the door only to crash through it, landing at the foot of the stairs.

“No way am I going up there” he mumbles. So, covered in scratches, bruises and wracked with pain he hauls himself into the back room and collapses on the sofa.

Next morning his wife wakes him with a cuppa and says, “So you had trouble getting home then Paddy?”

“Jesus yes” he says. “How did you know?”

“Easy” she says, “Jerry's just phoned to say you left your wheelchair at the pub.”

_rummps x.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ne-just4funMan over a year ago

Southampton

30 pikeys evicted from Dale Farm turn up at the pearly gates. St Peter greets them and tells then that heaven is full and he will have to phone God for advice. So he phones God and God says, tell them we can take 15, they will have to decide who is most worthy. Five minutes later St Peter phones back and says they've gone! What! says God, all of them? No! says St Peter, the gates!!!!!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

paddy and murphy decide to start swinging, so the 2 of them and there wives start off having a few drinks, there all go off to the seperate bedrooms after about an hour or so and the best sex ever, murphy turns to paddy and says 'i wound how the girls are getting on'

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ohjaneCouple over a year ago

south staffs

Q: What is the difference between pink and purple ?

A: The grip !

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hite SnakeMan over a year ago

leeds

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:

First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

4) Am I dressed provocatively?

5) Could I run away?

6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

__________________

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...I bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween, Nothing sexual,

just to give her a better grip on her

broomstick.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *razydriver8Couple over a year ago

plymouth

"...I bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween, Nothing sexual,

just to give her a better grip on her

broomstick.

ohh you nicked that from my status..

know i should have put a copyright on it....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

I walked into a bedroom and caught my nan sucking grandad's cock, I said "Nan that's disgusting" She said "it's perfectly normal"

I said "No it's wrong you should have buried it with the rest of him"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy goes into work one morning with his new flask

On arriving murphy says....(in best irish accent lol)"what you got there then paddy"

"its a thermos flask murphy, its a new invevtion the wife bought it, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

"oh b jesus thats great" says murphy " will you have a look at this mary paddys got a thermos flask it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

"oh thats clever" says mary "will have to tell jerry about this"

"hey jerry look at this, paddys for a new thermos flask, its a new invention it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold

"oh paddy thats clever" says jerry "so what you got in it then?"

"two cups of coffee and a ice cream" replies paddy

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

the bbc reports that colonel gadaffi was found with his legs hanging out of a big smelly hole shouting for mercy,a spokesman for katie price said she has never been to libya...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake to day, sorry I opened it

It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops?

Going as a cock sucker again I see!!!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...Went to see my dyslexic mate today and he was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. Mate, I said, you're supposed to turn your clock back!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I only just found out I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

This is an old one.

A few years back the g/f and i were invited to a fancy dress ball. Being students we were too poor to buy owt, too pissed to think of many ides.

So g/f said sod it, i'll go as Lady Godiva. Good plan.

Anyways the bouncers refused entry, saying that nudity could be anybody and we weren't getting in.

Give me the car keys she said ( did i say we were poor students?) Anyways she returns with her black gloves and a spare pair of my socks.

The bouncers again said your not coming in here as Lady Godiva.

Oh no, she says, i've come as the five of clubs. Good party.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *DSRMan over a year ago

leicester

Me and my girl friend love roleplay, she came to bed last night dressed as the catwoman... & i pretend i love her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *atisfy janeWoman over a year ago

Torquay

What's 6 inches and not getting a suck tonight?

Jimmy Savile's cigar.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I used to be a necrophiliac till this rotten cunt split on me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *DSRMan over a year ago

leicester

Whats massive and well good.... my cock

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I should have known it would never work with my ex - I'm an Aries and he's a Tosser....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *atisfy janeWoman over a year ago

Torquay

Prince Charles leads tributes to Jimmy Savile and belatedly thanks him for 'fixing it' on August 31st 1997 in the Pont de l'Alma Road Tunnel in Paris.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

"Prince Charles leads tributes to Jimmy Savile and belatedly thanks him for 'fixing it' on August 31st 1997 in the Pont de l'Alma Road Tunnel in Paris.

Road? Will you rue that?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *atisfy janeWoman over a year ago

Torquay

News: Prince Charles leads tributes for Sir Jimmy Savile

He said, "Long, blonde hair, didn't age too well. Always loved a smoke on my old cigar, but enough about Camilla. Who's this Jimmy fellow again?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *atisfy janeWoman over a year ago

Torquay

Shares in JJB Sport up 3% due to an increase in track suit sales, as everybody rushes to buy Jimmy Savile Halloween costumes.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ngiedave124Couple over a year ago

portsmouth

i was going to post a joke of jimmy saville on sat nite but was told it mite be 2 early..so howz bout now then now then

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and a nod and said, 'I've just shaved my pussy, and you know what that means.....'

I said, 'Yeah, the fucking plughole's blocked again!'

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rummpsMan over a year ago

thanet

I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

_rummps x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hi-John69Man over a year ago

chichester

For weeks I've been waiting for a celebrities death so I could tell you a joke!!!

Now Jim as fixed it for me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"For weeks I've been waiting for a celebrities death so I could tell you a joke!!!

Now Jim as fixed it for me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

How do you stop a Scotsman being seasick?

Place a £1 between his teeth.

(Has to be a Scotsman, a woman wouldnae stop talking long enough to get the quid in)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odareyouMan over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

A Dustman knocks on a Japanese mans door one morning. The Jap says "harro wot u wann?". Dustman says "Where's ya bin?" "I bin on loo" says Jap. "No mate, where's ya dustbin?" "I dust bin on loo!" says Jap. "No no mate, stop fuckin me about, where's ya wheelie bin?" "Hokay, I wheelie bin havin a wank!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got pulled over by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car. "Your staggering" said the officer. "Your not a bad loking fucker yourself" I replied.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

The ferry across to Holland was delayed so by the time it set sail i'd had a skinful. The North Sea was rough and choppy so there i was, over a rail, puking my guts up for dear life.

A passing steward enquired "Weak stomach Sir?"

"No, i'm throwing it as far as anyone else"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."

"Nothing, darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Got pulled over by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car. "Your staggering" said the officer. "Your not a bad loking fucker yourself" I replied.

Got pulled by the police for speeding once and the officer said, "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I haven't heard before I'll let you off."

I replied, "My wife ran off with a copper last week and I thought you were bringing her back!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *enithWoman over a year ago

closer than you think

Peter says to God "one of the gates has fallen off its hinges"

"don't worry" says God ......

"Jim'll fit it !!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

Two tasty German women are walking along the promenade at Brighton when a beach photographer steps out into their path.

"Halt" says Anke "he's going to focus."

"Vot, both of we" says Katrina.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chances of a stroke.

But if you buy her the whole bottle,

she will probably suck it for you as well.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *enithWoman over a year ago

closer than you think

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen...but it should get better

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

It's a long one this, but worth it....

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies

'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.

... Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

...

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Here's another one, I almost wet myself when I read the punchline....

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

... So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

Can I see her wun awound?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

"It's a long one this, but worth it....

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies

'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

...

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Lol love number six,

Thanks for posting.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *atisfy janeWoman over a year ago

Torquay

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I solved the problem of my premature ejaculation.

I married a woman with ADHD.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just brought a new tablet out half viagra half vallium , if you don't get a fuck you don't give a fuck

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Haikus are easy.

But sometimes they don't make sense.

Refrigerator.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rummpsMan over a year ago

thanet

Paddy and Murphy are watching a huge Doberman licking its bollocks and Paddy says “I’d like to do that”

Murphy looks at him surprised and says, “Well you’d best stroke him a bit first cos he looks an angry fooker!

_rummps x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...I said to my doctor,

"I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident." He said, "Did you fall off your board?" I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

UK Border Agency's favourite joke....

Knock Knock...Come in!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Paul , Andy & Steve were sitting around a camp fire, discussing who was the hardest.

Paul say's "I killed a bear with my bare hand's"

Steve say's

"I wrestled 2 adult croc's gouged both their eyes out & killed them both"

Andy just sat there saying nothing,

... poking the fire

......

WITH HIS COCK !!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

....WARNING..... Don't join the Tesco dating agency. My mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Haikus are easy.

But sometimes they don't make sense.

Refrigerator.

Brilliant!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two nuns are sat in the bath, one says 'wheres the soa' the other says 'yes it does doesnt it.....'

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

woman walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *taryscorpCouple over a year ago

boston

"A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!"
lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........

~If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

~If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

~If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

~If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

~If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

~If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

~If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

~If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

~If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

~If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

~If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

~If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.

~If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry - you won't be crazy forever

~If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

Injury and Accident insurance claim adverts are a load of bollocks.

When next doors daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash, now i'm the one who ends up in fucking court!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iggles and BeardyCouple over a year ago

Bristol

Heard this the other night.

Q: Why can't ginger women have brazilians

A: Because if they did they would both look and smell like fish fingers.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

They've set a very tough Bushtucker task tonight on "I'm a Celebraty get me Out of Here"

A Kangeroo has to eat one of Fatima Whitbreads bollocks.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I ran into my ex the other day....

hit reverse, and ran into him again.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tampax have brought out their seasonal range of tampons, they have a tinsel string....

But its only for the Christmas period.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"...I said to my doctor,

"I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident." He said, "Did you fall off your board?" I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went back to a girl's house last night.

After getting naked on the sofa, she pointed to her coffee table and said, "Would you rather shag me over that?"

I said, "Yes I would, you're much prettier."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I came into some money today, the checkout operator wasn't happy and called security...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hite SnakeMan over a year ago

leeds

Have you tried that new 007 viagra yet it great it makes you roger more.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *he BananamanMan over a year ago

WORCESTERSHIRE

snow is like a cock,

it's measured in inches,soft to the touch,cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you would like it.

driving in the snow is like eating pussy,if you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you!.

SO BE CAREFULL THIS WINTER!.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm really good in bed ...

I stay on my side and rarely steal all the covers.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker,

so now I've got this annoying kenyan cunt two yards in front of me everywere I go!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ouise HartleyTV/TS over a year ago

the street of failed artists Liverpool

"Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

Haha brilliant. I really dont know how we get away with it these days, what with the interweb thingy fitted in police cars

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

A penis says to his balls "Right Lads get ready and i'll take you to a party"

The Balls reply "You're a fucking liar,you always go inside and leave us outside banging on the back door"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

Why are there No Scousers on the Startrek series.?

Cos the lazy twats won't work in the future either

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

[Removed by poster at 30/11/11 20:14:59]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)