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Funny dirty Jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Here's one

Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra. Mom replies " What the hell for?"

Boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him a hundred bucks.If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, How much? She says,A hundred dollars.He says Shit. All I've got is thirty.

She says,Hold on.She runs back to Harry and says, ;What can he get for thirty dollars?

Harry says, ;A hand job.She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants,and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.She stares at it for a minute, and then says, I'll be right back.She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Boy took his family's cow over to the girl's family farm to breed with her family's bull. As the bull and cow were performing their duties, the boy sidled over to the girl and put hi arm around her and said, "I wish I could be doing what your bull's doing..." To which the girl batteted her eyelashes all wide-eyed and innocent and replied, "Well, why don't you? It's your cow!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

She asked her husband for £4,000 for a boob job. He said hell no...just rub some toilet paper between your tits and they will start getting bigger. She said that won't. He hell yes..it worked on you ass.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a PHONE CALL so that the kids will not decode...One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call.Mother replies: Tell your Dad that the Network is down today.Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone .Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "if he dare go to a public phone, she will open a Call Center at home.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she says, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.""Well, give me some examples." says the man.The lady explains, "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn't for me either." Then she asks, "How do you unlock your door?"

"Well," said the man, "Before I do anything else, I lick the lock..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me!" says the patient."No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once.""No, I'm sorry, I just can't!" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, "Please, please kiss me!"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.......... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

so this guys calls in sick a third day in a row. his boss is furious. The boss decides to go to his house to see if he is really sick. The boss looks through the window and sees him fucking this hot blond on the couch. Even more furious the boss knocks on the door. the guys answer the door butt naked. The boss starts yelling at him "YOU CALL IN SICK THREE DAYS IN A ROW, I COME OVER HERE AND CATCH YOU FUCKING SOME HOT BLOND!" The guy says but I am sick! the boss says how does this make you sick? the guy says " dude that's my sister is that sick or what?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tough gig mate

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?

A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"

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