FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Controversial question; Is it ever good to stay together for the children?
Controversial question; Is it ever good to stay together for the children?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I am curious what everyone thinks.
Is it ever a good idea to remain in a relationship/marriage for the sake of the children??
(Because you want to give them the best, feel guilty and don't want them to suffer the trauma of their parents separating)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never.
Your kids won't grow up and then when they leave home say thanks for staying with Dad/Mom just to give us a two parent home.
More often than not, you're only going to give off bad vibes amd the kids will assume this is normal.
Plus you'll end up resenting your partner for not being able to move on and be happy. Why people do this is beyond me I'll never understand. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say it depends on how the parents interact with each other and how honest they are with the children about what is happening.
I don't think there's a definitive answer either way. I would always be more inclined to say no, as I would assume if the partners are no longer wanting to be with each other there'd be elements of negative ill will or at the very least a restriction on how they are fulfilling their own life that could be negative -- and I'm not convinced that's the best lesson for children to be internalising. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would say it depends on how the parents interact with each other and how honest they are with the children about what is happening.
I don't think there's a definitive answer either way. I would always be more inclined to say no, as I would assume if the partners are no longer wanting to be with each other there'd be elements of negative ill will or at the very least a restriction on how they are fulfilling their own life that could be negative -- and I'm not convinced that's the best lesson for children to be internalising. "
As usual, you've conveyed my thoughts far more clearly than I could have. It seems to works for our specific situation at the moment at least. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This was the hardest decision i had to make 4 years ago.
It boiled down too
If we stay together and we are both unhappy how will that effect the children. Will we make their lives unhappy.
4 years on the children are happy yes i miss them immensely but when i am with them i cherish the time i spend with them. I also have a friendly relationship with my ex which always helps
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Makes me realise even more how lucky we are as a couple.
But, I find it odd that some people just put a point blank 'no' . The question is 'can it ever be right' , so just answering no, seems to rule out off-hand circumstances where it might work in some circumstances for some people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -"
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent  |
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"This was the hardest decision i had to make 4 years ago.
It boiled down too
If we stay together and we are both unhappy how will that effect the children. Will we make their lives unhappy.
4 years on the children are happy yes i miss them immensely but when i am with them i cherish the time i spend with them. I also have a friendly relationship with my ex which always helps
"
That's a good point actually,one of the parents won't be there for them all the time which may change your decision. I wouldn't have been happy just putting mine to bed once or twice a week,I don't know there's a lot to consider.
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It has been until fairly recently but now they are at an age they notice things. I was struggling with the situation also and a few months ago I blurted out how I felt. We had a discussion and have agreed when the best time to split will be for the children. Life is much better knowing that the end is in sight. The children will adapt with support and hopefully they'll understand |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent "
You have your opinion as I have mine. I don't ask people to justify themselves
- Mrs. J - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This was the hardest decision i had to make 4 years ago.
It boiled down too
If we stay together and we are both unhappy how will that effect the children. Will we make their lives unhappy.
4 years on the children are happy yes i miss them immensely but when i am with them i cherish the time i spend with them. I also have a friendly relationship with my ex which always helps
That's a good point actually,one of the parents won't be there for them all the time which may change your decision. I wouldn't have been happy just putting mine to bed once or twice a week,I don't know there's a lot to consider.
"
The driving force for me was in which situation would my children be happiest. Even know every decision I make is based around their happiness |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Please please stay together for wellbeing of ur kids. You and ur husband shouldn't be the wrong example to your kid, when they grow up they think it is perfectly fine to get separated. We all know what impact it would cause mentally to your kids.
Sit with your husband speak openly and try and sort things between yourself or at least pretend everything is fine in front of kids untill they are grown up.
Wish u good luck  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am curious what everyone thinks.
Is it ever a good idea to remain in a relationship/marriage for the sake of the children??
(Because you want to give them the best, feel guilty and don't want them to suffer the trauma of their parents separating)
"
personally I would say no, and I didn't but everyones circumstances are different...
if I had stayed, I doubt very much there would even have been children to stay for eventually...  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Please please stay together for wellbeing of ur kids. You and ur husband shouldn't be the wrong example to your kid, when they grow up they think it is perfectly fine to get separated. We all know what impact it would cause mentally to your kids.
Sit with your husband speak openly and try and sort things between yourself or at least pretend everything is fine in front of kids untill they are grown up.
Wish u good luck "
It is not my husband or situation. I am not married. I was curious what others thought. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
You have your opinion as I have mine. I don't ask people to justify themselves
- Mrs. J -"
I didn't ask you to justify anything  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
You have your opinion as I have mine. I don't ask people to justify themselves
- Mrs. J -
I didn't ask you to justify anything "
You commented on my post If it was not meant to be a contradictory post, then best to start a new comment
- Mrs. J - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My opinion... Yes. If both parents can be civil and considerate towards each other. We stick with jobs where we are unhappy or dissatisfied in some way so why not. There will be difficult times but that's life... |
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent "
Exactly, in fact you become a better parent!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
You have your opinion as I have mine. I don't ask people to justify themselves
- Mrs. J -
I didn't ask you to justify anything
You commented on my post If it was not meant to be a contradictory post, then best to start a new comment
- Mrs. J -"
Yes, I commented on your post. Yes it was contradictory because I disagree with you about you both having to be in the family home to be a parent. I didn't ask you to justify your answer did? |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
No. My parents stayed together for us and it screwed us up. My Mum was constantly angry and took it out on us. Me and my ex split amicably, and I'm pretty sure my daughter appreciated not being brought up by two stressed out parents. |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
Exactly, in fact you become a better parent!!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
You have your opinion as I have mine. I don't ask people to justify themselves
- Mrs. J -
I didn't ask you to justify anything
You commented on my post If it was not meant to be a contradictory post, then best to start a new comment
- Mrs. J -
Yes, I commented on your post. Yes it was contradictory because I disagree with you about you both having to be in the family home to be a parent. I didn't ask you to justify your answer did? "
Lets just leave it at that you have your opinion and I have mine, OK!
- Mrs. J - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a child of divorced parents, absolutely not. Love both of the olds to bits, but memories of watching them publicly tear one another to pieces through unhappiness is not my fondest recollection. They have both since found genuine happiness and comfort in their subsequent partners and were terribly young when they married and had small humans.
It's not ideal, but kids are more resilient than us old folk give them credit for - or at least I was.
However, if there are small humans involved, they should absolutely be the first consideration. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From personal experience no. My parents stayed together for me and I spent my childhood listening to them fight. They'd both have been happier and so would I of they'd split up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Please please stay together for wellbeing of ur kids. You and ur husband shouldn't be the wrong example to your kid, when they grow up they think it is perfectly fine to get separated. We all know what impact it would cause mentally to your kids.
Sit with your husband speak openly and try and sort things between yourself or at least pretend everything is fine in front of kids untill they are grown up.
Wish u good luck "
Splitting up when things aren't working isn't setting the wrong example. It's perfectly OK to separate. I don't think it's in anyway better to teach your kids that you should stay together when you're miserable. |
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Yes it can be depending on what the relationship is like and how both parties are behaving. Clearly if things are really bad between the parents then no, but it's up to the adults to sort that out if they really care about their kids. It has to be said that separating isn't necessarily good for the children either as they are often put in the invidious position of having to choose between one or other parent or worse still used as am emotional weapon by an angry/hurt parent seeking revenge. Splitting up is not easy for kids but it may be the least worst option if the parents decide to work together to love and support them. |
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Definitely no. I ended having a really bad relationship with my mum because she stayed with my dad. Hated her for it.......and my sister prompted me to leave mine with her saying to me "dont stay because my son would end up hating me like we did mum for staying" Really hit home. They can have a better relationship with both parents separately  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No way I split from my marriage 18 months ago (my fault) and I have an little girl who is amazing we tried to stay together but it never worked we get on better now than when we were together this is my personal judgment but every one is different and it's a choice that u both have to make between yourselfs f they and you are happy in your new lifes why change it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
You have your opinion as I have mine. I don't ask people to justify themselves
- Mrs. J -
I didn't ask you to justify anything
You commented on my post If it was not meant to be a contradictory post, then best to start a new comment
- Mrs. J -
Yes, I commented on your post. Yes it was contradictory because I disagree with you about you both having to be in the family home to be a parent. I didn't ask you to justify your answer did?
Lets just leave it at that you have your opinion and I have mine, OK!
- Mrs. J -"
OK! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes"
I'll qualify that by saying if you are both willing to work on improving the relationship so that the environment you both create is loving enough. |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
My mum said to me once and I don't know why because she died when I was very young. Anyway, she said you should never stay with a man for the sake of your children because it is your life to.
I partly agree but there's so much more to it than that. If it's an abusive relationship, sure but what if everything is happy and ticking along??
I guess it's different in every situation  |
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It's an individual answer so no real "right" or "wrong" answer...
I will say though that if a couple decide to stay together until their kids are slightly older, you have to respect them for putting their kids first even above their own happiness... |
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"It's an individual answer so no real "right" or "wrong" answer...
I will say though that if a couple decide to stay together until their kids are slightly older, you have to respect them for putting their kids first even above their own happiness..."
what I did for many years ..Storm |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes. You put your children first and act like adults and give them a happy, secure environment to grow up in. It's called parental responsibility. Once you have children you have to accept that your needs become secondary. |
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -
Just because your split with a partner doesn't stop you being a parent
Exactly, in fact you become a better parent!!"
Agree |
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Is it ever, yes. Is it always, no.
Your kids might prefer you living apart and not fighting than living together and fighting, but no child seriously prefers that to parents living together and not fighting.
If you can't live and not fight with someone that you once liked enough to have children with, then at the very least you are a poor judge of character. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it ever, yes. Is it always, no.
Your kids might prefer you living apart and not fighting than living together and fighting, but no child seriously prefers that to parents living together and not fighting.
If you can't live and not fight with someone that you once liked enough to have children with, then at the very least you are a poor judge of character. "
I don't agree with your last statement.
People evolve, circumstances and people change. What may have seemed perfect 10 years ago when you were both young and very much in-love, may not be the case anymore.
You may even still love one-another, but have grown apart and no longer find the relationship fulfilling. |
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my parents have done what some people recommended- they stayed in an unhappy relationship until both me and my sister were older or already moved out.
the result is that it took me a long time to realise that being in a relationship means that you show affection, that you communicate and that you talk about your day as well as your feelings. because I have never seen it in the relationship of my parents. I now have to painfully learn it. never seen my parents fight but never saw them kiss either. so it is a no for me if parents can not maintain a friendship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it ever, yes. Is it always, no.
Your kids might prefer you living apart and not fighting than living together and fighting, but no child seriously prefers that to parents living together and not fighting.
If you can't live and not fight with someone that you once liked enough to have children with, then at the very least you are a poor judge of character.
I don't agree with your last statement.
People evolve, circumstances and people change. What may have seemed perfect 10 years ago when you were both young and very much in-love, may not be the case anymore.
You may even still love one-another, but have grown apart and no longer find the relationship fulfilling. "
This is exactly what happened with me. I was with the mother of my kids for 17 years from the age of 16! Do you know how much you change as a person in 17 years starting at 16?
We simply grew up and apart, fell out of love and decided to part ways to give each other a chance to find someone else and be truly happy in our adult life when we knew who we were and what we wanted from life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not everyone argues though.
There are totally different relationships and what's right for one is not necessarily what's right for another.
If the parents argue, then yes it is better all round but what if they don't? How do you pull that world apart around them without feeling an enormous sense of guilt?
Yes it's your life and when you are ready you'll take the right decision but until then I would put the well being of my children above anything else.
I'm not saying suffer, if you are then yes leave but if it's manageable and you both agree to it, that's ok too.
There's no right or wrong here. Just variations of situations |
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"Seriously what good can come from two people arguing and making each other miserable, and to top it off letting your children watch the show!! "
None at all. But the op asked is it ever right. By that I assume she is looking for situations where the children don't suffer that type of spectacle. |
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"Is it ever, yes. Is it always, no.
Your kids might prefer you living apart and not fighting than living together and fighting, but no child seriously prefers that to parents living together and not fighting.
If you can't live and not fight with someone that you once liked enough to have children with, then at the very least you are a poor judge of character.
I don't agree with your last statement.
People evolve, circumstances and people change. What may have seemed perfect 10 years ago when you were both young and very much in-love, may not be the case anymore.
You may even still love one-another, but have grown apart and no longer find the relationship fulfilling. "
Fair points, i think that people rarely change their values though. I think there are many fewer instances of this happening that people would report. In my experience, a lot of people are reluctant to ask though questions about compatibility when the excitement of a new relationship is in the air. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents split when I was 18. And it's has made me very cynical about love, marriage and having children. I wish they would have split when I was younger. My mum said she waited so that I was older and I hated her for it for a long time.
DEEP |
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"My parents split when I was 18. And it's has made me very cynical about love, marriage and having children. I wish they would have split when I was younger. My mum said she waited so that I was older and I hated her for it for a long time.
DEEP"
There's a lot to be cyncial about. The idea that you fall in love with someone of your choosing and live happily ever after in monogamous bliss is a very very new idea and never been proven to work for the majority of any population over a sustained period of time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it totally depends on the situation,
Do you still get on with the other person?
Do you both feel the same?
I think that if you both feel the same and can agree to live together for the sake of the children then it's worth a go.
But if one party still wants to be with the other then it will never work. Resentment will inevitably creep in and you will be putting yourself in a very unhappy situation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Please please stay together for wellbeing of ur kids. You and ur husband shouldn't be the wrong example to your kid, when they grow up they think it is perfectly fine to get separated. We all know what impact it would cause mentally to your kids.
Sit with your husband speak openly and try and sort things between yourself or at least pretend everything is fine in front of kids untill they are grown up.
Wish u good luck "
Its not always right to stay together for the sake of the children.
Its not a good example to stay with someone who puts you in huge debt by spending (on non essential items) your hard earned wages. Who screams at you. Belittles you. Hits you in front of the children. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No.
Kids aren't stupid. They know and can sense when things change and become different.
If I stayed with my kids dad, he wouldn't of stopped cheating and having full on affairs (one of those who considered himself gods gift to women). He wouldn't of stopped the physical and emotional abuse to myself. He wouldn't of stopped bringing negative and so many wrongs (including illeagal stuff) into our children's life. Even the arguments, frosty atmosphere and seeing their mother seriously unhappy can be detected by children.
Leaving is often the only way to ensure your child's safety and or happiness. If he is a decent parent, he'll make all the effort in the world to see your kids. He'll support them and be there for them.
Good luck and be happy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No.
Kids aren't stupid. They know and can sense when things change and become different.
If I stayed with my kids dad, he wouldn't of stopped cheating and having full on affairs (one of those who considered himself gods gift to women). He wouldn't of stopped the physical and emotional abuse to myself. He wouldn't of stopped bringing negative and so many wrongs (including illeagal stuff) into our children's life. Even the arguments, frosty atmosphere and seeing their mother seriously unhappy can be detected by children.
Leaving is often the only way to ensure your child's safety and or happiness. If he is a decent parent, he'll make all the effort in the world to see your kids. He'll support them and be there for them.
Good luck and be happy."
Totally agree with this |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
•+• Access Denied •+• |
depends what kind of example you want to be to your kids.
they can get over things but they will use you as a guide to life somewhat. or use you as an example of what not to do as well.
dunno, whatever happens they'll cope with it and so will you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"depends what kind of example you want to be to your kids.
they can get over things but they will use you as a guide to life somewhat. or use you as an example of what not to do as well.
dunno, whatever happens they'll cope with it and so will you."
The question was not asked for me. I am single. I was asking for a friend. |
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"Please please stay together for wellbeing of ur kids. You and ur husband shouldn't be the wrong example to your kid, when they grow up they think it is perfectly fine to get separated. We all know what impact it would cause mentally to your kids.
Sit with your husband speak openly and try and sort things between yourself or at least pretend everything is fine in front of kids untill they are grown up.
Wish u good luck "
Speak to any child that grew up in that kind of home and they'll tell you it's god awful
And this thread proved that from the Ines of us that can comment from the perspective |
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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
"Please please stay together for wellbeing of ur kids. You and ur husband shouldn't be the wrong example to your kid, when they grow up they think it is perfectly fine to get separated. We all know what impact it would cause mentally to your kids.
Sit with your husband speak openly and try and sort things between yourself or at least pretend everything is fine in front of kids untill they are grown up.
Wish u good luck "
One of the first things they tell you at marriage guidance / counselling is don't stay together for the children. It does more harm than good.
Relationships break down for many reasons, I agree with talking things through.
Children are not stupid they pick up on things, pretending things are fine doesn't work.
The child doesn't need to know why a relationship has broken down. All they need to know is that their parents love them and it's not their fault. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No, no and no. My parents divorced when I was really young. I saw more relationship break ups and marriages, but one thing always resonates with me, they never fought. I never remember them fighting and I think that's because they made that difficult decision to not be together. I respect them for realising that in doing so, they wouldn't have been happy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Depends how you communicate with your husband/wife. If you can appear to still be a loving couple than maybe or at least show respect for each other. If you're forever arguing with other then no."
More true words 
Fuzz |
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"depends what kind of example you want to be to your kids.
they can get over things but they will use you as a guide to life somewhat. or use you as an example of what not to do as well.
dunno, whatever happens they'll cope with it and so will you."
They will cope with it but not necessarily well. It's a fact that it tends to generate anger in boys which expresses itself as behavioural problems. Girls are more likely to surpress their feelings in order to please their parents but that's not exactly healthy either. Children from broken families are 9x more likley to become criminals than those from families that stay together. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
•+• Access Denied •+• |
"depends what kind of example you want to be to your kids.
they can get over things but they will use you as a guide to life somewhat. or use you as an example of what not to do as well.
dunno, whatever happens they'll cope with it and so will you.
They will cope with it but not necessarily well. It's a fact that it tends to generate anger in boys which expresses itself as behavioural problems. Girls are more likely to surpress their feelings in order to please their parents but that's not exactly healthy either. Children from broken families are 9x more likley to become criminals than those from families that stay together. "
my parents stayed together and i have cPTSD, also am very rebellious. all my kids come from broken relationships. the ones not from the abusive relationship i had are doing better than the ones who are, although my decent ex has taken on my 2nd son as his own and he is doing better than the oldest who lives with my abusive ex now -because that ex played head games with him to get to me and for his own selfish ego.
there's more too it than broken relationships. people are very complicated and so are their relationships and some interactions.
i ban my kids from having much interaction with kids who i know will be a bad influence on them, used to be all liberal and think they should make their own choices about friends but i also see how they influence my kids and i don't want my kids thinking i condone any friend that ain't worth shit imo.
it's nothing to do with families staying together. it's more about what that family condones i think. i see the neglected kids round here, can tell who's gonna be an ASBO case when they grow up and it's mostly coz their parents just don't give a shit about what their kids are up to so long as it's not a problem for themselves. and sure enough the most neglectful parent on the street ended up with the police round hers all last summer coz of her kids. yeah she is a single mum but other single mums do not have these problems, she just doesn't give a shit about her kids that much.
you can factor poverty into this also. that children from broken homes are more likely to be poor. the kids i mentioned also used to always be begging for food or stealing it from the shop, again this is neglect by the parent or the state if she is reliant on that. i grew up poor but never dreamed of begging because my morals were that you do without when you have nothing, hate that moral set tbh now i'm older. nobody should be going without the basics of life and my thoughts now are i would definitely break the law to ensure i am not hungry or homeless. my dad went the same way to ensure out survival, he did loads of stuff he shouldn't have to ensure we had a roof over our head and food. i don't blame him at all.
nothing to do with broken homes really as the main cause really, although many things can branch off from that. i do think if someone is more likely to go for leaving a partner then they are more likely to not give a shit and be able to stand on their own two feet and be able to look after themselves and theirs without caring too much how.
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"depends what kind of example you want to be to your kids.
they can get over things but they will use you as a guide to life somewhat. or use you as an example of what not to do as well.
dunno, whatever happens they'll cope with it and so will you.
They will cope with it but not necessarily well. It's a fact that it tends to generate anger in boys which expresses itself as behavioural problems. Girls are more likely to surpress their feelings in order to please their parents but that's not exactly healthy either. Children from broken families are 9x more likley to become criminals than those from families that stay together.
my parents stayed together and i have cPTSD, also am very rebellious. all my kids come from broken relationships. the ones not from the abusive relationship i had are doing better than the ones who are, although my decent ex has taken on my 2nd son as his own and he is doing better than the oldest who lives with my abusive ex now -because that ex played head games with him to get to me and for his own selfish ego.
there's more too it than broken relationships. people are very complicated and so are their relationships and some interactions.
i ban my kids from having much interaction with kids who i know will be a bad influence on them, used to be all liberal and think they should make their own choices about friends but i also see how they influence my kids and i don't want my kids thinking i condone any friend that ain't worth shit imo.
it's nothing to do with families staying together. it's more about what that family condones i think. i see the neglected kids round here, can tell who's gonna be an ASBO case when they grow up and it's mostly coz their parents just don't give a shit about what their kids are up to so long as it's not a problem for themselves. and sure enough the most neglectful parent on the street ended up with the police round hers all last summer coz of her kids. yeah she is a single mum but other single mums do not have these problems, she just doesn't give a shit about her kids that much.
you can factor poverty into this also. that children from broken homes are more likely to be poor. the kids i mentioned also used to always be begging for food or stealing it from the shop, again this is neglect by the parent or the state if she is reliant on that. i grew up poor but never dreamed of begging because my morals were that you do without when you have nothing, hate that moral set tbh now i'm older. nobody should be going without the basics of life and my thoughts now are i would definitely break the law to ensure i am not hungry or homeless. my dad went the same way to ensure out survival, he did loads of stuff he shouldn't have to ensure we had a roof over our head and food. i don't blame him at all.
nothing to do with broken homes really as the main cause really, although many things can branch off from that. i do think if someone is more likely to go for leaving a partner then they are more likely to not give a shit and be able to stand on their own two feet and be able to look after themselves and theirs without caring too much how.
"
Correlation isn't causation, no. But with your knowledge of psychology you won't find it difficult to know that boys do worst when they don't have a strong, positive male role model. The family breaking up doesn't prevent them having that nor does staying together ensure they have it, but i am frankly baffled how some women ever thought it was a good idea to breed with certain men. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"Correlation isn't causation, no. But with your knowledge of psychology you won't find it difficult to know that boys do worst when they don't have a strong, positive male role model. The family breaking up doesn't prevent them having that nor does staying together ensure they have it, but i am frankly baffled how some women ever thought it was a good idea to breed with certain men. "
training basically. ok gonna generalise a bit coz i know people are not all and only evil, good or bad, or whatever.
but sometimes you have shit role models. these role models can influence you to make bad choices, i'm well aware peers can also be role models but parents and family are more likely to be and that is why i gave my first reply about setting an example. i was basically groomed for abuse, and so was my mum so she was a good example of how to be abused. and sociopaths latch onto that.
my mum was a decent person but a bad role model because she submitted to my dads abuse. she actually tried to leave him in the 70s but in those days it was hard to. so she accepted her fate and went back to him and then on to have 2 more children with him.
if she'd brought us up with someone else or even on her own i have no doubt i'd be a different person to who i am now. maybe for the better or worse idk.
but anyway the role model i was given was that abusive arseholes are ok to have kids with, that you have to struggle through life and suffer the consequences of anything you do. i was trained to believe women don't matter that much, not just by my role models but society in general did this too. oh and also that poor people don't really matter, because they did not and probably still don't if i think about it.
and i don't regret much, i understand a lot more than people who haven't been in my situation as i've experienced it.
i understand why my own feelings were never that important, i have a strong sense of responsibility because of how i was 'made'. some abuse actually made me a better person, a lot made me feel helpless at times. but i was conditioned into that, some of it still lingers but not much.
i know mostly my parents gave me the ability to not do things their way with my own kids because it didn't work for me. and luckily i was born into a time where that was more feasible.
so yeah assholes enjoy the perks of 'broken and damaged' goods now coz we are passing on legacies that ensure you won't be able to for much longer. i put up with it for only a few years myself and never done since. but while we live in a world where nothing much is done about abusers and we have to figure stuff out on our own you will have your moments. |
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"Correlation isn't causation, no. But with your knowledge of psychology you won't find it difficult to know that boys do worst when they don't have a strong, positive male role model. The family breaking up doesn't prevent them having that nor does staying together ensure they have it, but i am frankly baffled how some women ever thought it was a good idea to breed with certain men.
training basically. ok gonna generalise a bit coz i know people are not all and only evil, good or bad, or whatever.
but sometimes you have shit role models. these role models can influence you to make bad choices, i'm well aware peers can also be role models but parents and family are more likely to be and that is why i gave my first reply about setting an example. i was basically groomed for abuse, and so was my mum so she was a good example of how to be abused. and sociopaths latch onto that.
my mum was a decent person but a bad role model because she submitted to my dads abuse. she actually tried to leave him in the 70s but in those days it was hard to. so she accepted her fate and went back to him and then on to have 2 more children with him.
if she'd brought us up with someone else or even on her own i have no doubt i'd be a different person to who i am now. maybe for the better or worse idk.
but anyway the role model i was given was that abusive arseholes are ok to have kids with, that you have to struggle through life and suffer the consequences of anything you do. i was trained to believe women don't matter that much, not just by my role models but society in general did this too. oh and also that poor people don't really matter, because they did not and probably still don't if i think about it.
and i don't regret much, i understand a lot more than people who haven't been in my situation as i've experienced it.
i understand why my own feelings were never that important, i have a strong sense of responsibility because of how i was 'made'. some abuse actually made me a better person, a lot made me feel helpless at times. but i was conditioned into that, some of it still lingers but not much.
i know mostly my parents gave me the ability to not do things their way with my own kids because it didn't work for me. and luckily i was born into a time where that was more feasible.
so yeah assholes enjoy the perks of 'broken and damaged' goods now coz we are passing on legacies that ensure you won't be able to for much longer. i put up with it for only a few years myself and never done since. but while we live in a world where nothing much is done about abusers and we have to figure stuff out on our own you will have your moments."
As ever, interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing something so personal. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more. |
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"I am curious what everyone thinks.
Is it ever a good idea to remain in a relationship/marriage for the sake of the children??
(Because you want to give them the best, feel guilty and don't want them to suffer the trauma of their parents separating)
"
Yes. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old. "
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Correlation isn't causation, no. But with your knowledge of psychology you won't find it difficult to know that boys do worst when they don't have a strong, positive male role model. The family breaking up doesn't prevent them having that nor does staying together ensure they have it, but i am frankly baffled how some women ever thought it was a good idea to breed with certain men.
training basically. ok gonna generalise a bit coz i know people are not all and only evil, good or bad, or whatever.
but sometimes you have shit role models. these role models can influence you to make bad choices, i'm well aware peers can also be role models but parents and family are more likely to be and that is why i gave my first reply about setting an example. i was basically groomed for abuse, and so was my mum so she was a good example of how to be abused. and sociopaths latch onto that.
my mum was a decent person but a bad role model because she submitted to my dads abuse. she actually tried to leave him in the 70s but in those days it was hard to. so she accepted her fate and went back to him and then on to have 2 more children with him.
if she'd brought us up with someone else or even on her own i have no doubt i'd be a different person to who i am now. maybe for the better or worse idk.
but anyway the role model i was given was that abusive arseholes are ok to have kids with, that you have to struggle through life and suffer the consequences of anything you do. i was trained to believe women don't matter that much, not just by my role models but society in general did this too. oh and also that poor people don't really matter, because they did not and probably still don't if i think about it.
and i don't regret much, i understand a lot more than people who haven't been in my situation as i've experienced it.
i understand why my own feelings were never that important, i have a strong sense of responsibility because of how i was 'made'. some abuse actually made me a better person, a lot made me feel helpless at times. but i was conditioned into that, some of it still lingers but not much.
i know mostly my parents gave me the ability to not do things their way with my own kids because it didn't work for me. and luckily i was born into a time where that was more feasible.
so yeah assholes enjoy the perks of 'broken and damaged' goods now coz we are passing on legacies that ensure you won't be able to for much longer. i put up with it for only a few years myself and never done since. but while we live in a world where nothing much is done about abusers and we have to figure stuff out on our own you will have your moments."
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. That must have been so difficult. It is appreciated and very brave of you.
Thank you again. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old.
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum. "
You can't identify the person from the infomattion I have provided. Why is this an issue?
It could be anyone....i am asking a question. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old.
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum.
You can't identify the person from the infomattion I have provided. Why is this an issue?
It could be anyone....i am asking a question. "
I just know I wouldn't want to be the subject of an swinging site forum. I don't see the relevance of talking about someone else's personal circumstances when it's none of your business. Just my opinion. |
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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
"Yes. You put your children first and act like adults and give them a happy, secure environment to grow up in. It's called parental responsibility. Once you have children you have to accept that your needs become secondary."
I put my children first by leaving their dad and moving us 500 miles back home. Best thing we ever did and their lives are better without him in it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old.
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum.
You can't identify the person from the infomattion I have provided. Why is this an issue?
It could be anyone....i am asking a question.
I just know I wouldn't want to be the subject of an swinging site forum. I don't see the relevance of talking about someone else's personal circumstances when it's none of your business. Just my opinion. "
How do you know it's none of my business? I have chosen not to disclose how I know the subject of the post, but that doesn't mean that it is none of my business! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old.
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum.
You can't identify the person from the infomattion I have provided. Why is this an issue?
It could be anyone....i am asking a question.
I just know I wouldn't want to be the subject of an swinging site forum. I don't see the relevance of talking about someone else's personal circumstances when it's none of your business. Just my opinion.
How do you know it's none of my business? I have chosen not to disclose how I know the subject of the post, but that doesn't mean that it is none of my business! "
This is a public forum where we seek advice, information and support.. Is it not??
Have I got that wrong? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old.
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum.
You can't identify the person from the infomattion I have provided. Why is this an issue?
It could be anyone....i am asking a question.
I just know I wouldn't want to be the subject of an swinging site forum. I don't see the relevance of talking about someone else's personal circumstances when it's none of your business. Just my opinion.
How do you know it's none of my business? I have chosen not to disclose how I know the subject of the post, but that doesn't mean that it is none of my business!
This is a public forum where we seek advice, information and support.. Is it not??
Have I got that wrong? "
Yes it is. And my advice is stay out of other people's relationships. |
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more."
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture. |
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By *horltzMan
over a year ago
heysham |
"I am curious what everyone thinks.
Is it ever a good idea to remain in a relationship/marriage for the sake of the children??
(Because you want to give them the best, feel guilty and don't want them to suffer the trauma of their parents separating)
"
I did for quite some time and it worked , I work long hours and didn't want to be a weekend dad , so I sacrificed my happiness for parenthood , I promised myself that when my son turned 16 I would end the relationship and allow him to choose his path ! It didn't get that far and I ended up being a single parent from him being the age of 12 , looking back I now realise I did the right thing .
It's not always black and white , all depends on the individuals personal circumstances |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
•+• Access Denied •+• |
"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old. "
it might possibly be different for men as well, that's something to consider. i've given my opinion from a female perspective.
like when a couple split up the children are more likely to be left with the reliable parent who has been the main carer, and this usually is the female parent/caregiver.
so, for a man, walking away from a relationship does seem like you're walking away from your children also?
i doubt he's staying mainly for the children, they'll still be his children if he leaves, but more for himself and the fact that things are not so bad at home. and he thinks she will not leave him. because if he is risking his relationship doing things behind her back then he is risking losing those kids stability he proclaims he's staying for.
you're welcome about the other thing. |
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"Not that it makes a great deal of difference, but the person that I am referring to is an excellent father.
He works exceptionally hard in a very demanding job to provide everything that his children need. He absolutely adores them and they clearly feel the same.
I believe that by leaving the relationship (which I don't believe is a happy one) he feels that somehow he has failed his children. He thinks that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his children, maybe even to his own detriment.
The children are 8 and 10 years old.
And I'm sure they appreciate you spouting their business all over the forum.
You can't identify the person from the infomattion I have provided. Why is this an issue?
It could be anyone....i am asking a question.
I just know I wouldn't want to be the subject of an swinging site forum. I don't see the relevance of talking about someone else's personal circumstances when it's none of your business. Just my opinion.
How do you know it's none of my business? I have chosen not to disclose how I know the subject of the post, but that doesn't mean that it is none of my business!
This is a public forum where we seek advice, information and support.. Is it not??
Have I got that wrong? "
When kids are involved, take it to "mums net". |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
•+• Access Denied •+• |
"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture. "
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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no.i now get on better with my ex-hubby, we were married for 20years and have 5 kids, we have both moved on and got married.the kids are lot happier now.
sam x |
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture.
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
"
I don't agree with that. When your reason for marrying someone is that they are a rebound from a heart brake and you dislike being single; that is selfish and irresponsible. Having a 'save the relationship baby' is selfish and irresponsible.
I'm not saying I've never done anything selfish and irresponsible, but i can at least acknowledge it and not repeat it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture.
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
I don't agree with that. When your reason for marrying someone is that they are a rebound from a heart brake and you dislike being single; that is selfish and irresponsible. Having a 'save the relationship baby' is selfish and irresponsible.
I'm not saying I've never done anything selfish and irresponsible, but i can at least acknowledge it and not repeat it. "
This is absolutely not the case. The parents were in-love at one point and both children very much wanted and cared for, conceived in a loving relationship.
The person loves his children very much. They are always first to him. |
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture.
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
I don't agree with that. When your reason for marrying someone is that they are a rebound from a heart brake and you dislike being single; that is selfish and irresponsible. Having a 'save the relationship baby' is selfish and irresponsible.
I'm not saying I've never done anything selfish and irresponsible, but i can at least acknowledge it and not repeat it.
This is absolutely not the case. The parents were in-love at one point and both children very much wanted and cared for, conceived in a loving relationship.
The person loves his children very much. They are always first to him. "
I wasn't suggesting it was, i was given my own experience to argue the point that some ways are wrong. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture.
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
I don't agree with that. When your reason for marrying someone is that they are a rebound from a heart brake and you dislike being single; that is selfish and irresponsible. Having a 'save the relationship baby' is selfish and irresponsible.
I'm not saying I've never done anything selfish and irresponsible, but i can at least acknowledge it and not repeat it. "
i used to be the least selfish person i know. it made me very unhappy. even if their way was wrong for you it was right for them at the time, or seemed to be.
i accept a lot of shitty stuff though. it keeps me sane. |
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture.
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
I don't agree with that. When your reason for marrying someone is that they are a rebound from a heart brake and you dislike being single; that is selfish and irresponsible. Having a 'save the relationship baby' is selfish and irresponsible.
I'm not saying I've never done anything selfish and irresponsible, but i can at least acknowledge it and not repeat it.
i used to be the least selfish person i know. it made me very unhappy. even if their way was wrong for you it was right for them at the time, or seemed to be.
i accept a lot of shitty stuff though. it keeps me sane."
I've forgiven them because they admitted their mistake and i accept they are human, that's why i can talk about it now and it no longer upsets me or makes me angry. The divorce wasn't the mistake, the relationship never had a good probability of success and was never stable enough that a reasonably responsible person would add a child to it. That was the mistake. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more.
My situation is that my parents divorce was a rather traumatic event for me. The truth is that their relationship was untenable but also that frankly they had no business being together in the first place, let alone creating a child in such a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. In simple terms, their own irresponsibility and bad decision making got them into a situation that was beyond repair. I suspect that it's actually more common than people would like to admit but personal responsibility goes against the grain of modern british culture.
yeah i guess we make up our minds a lot based on what we have experienced.
no way is ideal, nor right or wrong i suppose. all choices have consequences that we don't always have the insight for when we make them.
I don't agree with that. When your reason for marrying someone is that they are a rebound from a heart brake and you dislike being single; that is selfish and irresponsible. Having a 'save the relationship baby' is selfish and irresponsible.
I'm not saying I've never done anything selfish and irresponsible, but i can at least acknowledge it and not repeat it.
i used to be the least selfish person i know. it made me very unhappy. even if their way was wrong for you it was right for them at the time, or seemed to be.
i accept a lot of shitty stuff though. it keeps me sane.
I've forgiven them because they admitted their mistake and i accept they are human, that's why i can talk about it now and it no longer upsets me or makes me angry. The divorce wasn't the mistake, the relationship never had a good probability of success and was never stable enough that a reasonably responsible person would add a child to it. That was the mistake. "
ok. |
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Yes...
And no
Yes, staying together can work. A long relationship can peter out - you don't hate each other, you just forget why you loved each other all those years ago. Staying together keeps a stable home for the kids, enough money to let them do a few clubs and stuff (that would be gone if there were two homes to pay for out of one wage)
I couldn't leave my kids. Being a parent every other weekend isn't my idea of being the best parent I can be. I sacrifice my own future for my kids - what parent wouldn't? |
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"Yes...
And no
Yes, staying together can work. A long relationship can peter out - you don't hate each other, you just forget why you loved each other all those years ago. Staying together keeps a stable home for the kids, enough money to let them do a few clubs and stuff (that would be gone if there were two homes to pay for out of one wage)
I couldn't leave my kids. Being a parent every other weekend isn't my idea of being the best parent I can be. I sacrifice my own future for my kids - what parent wouldn't?"
That type of home life isn't stable it has a massive emotional impact on the kids this thread has proved that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes...
And no
Yes, staying together can work. A long relationship can peter out - you don't hate each other, you just forget why you loved each other all those years ago. Staying together keeps a stable home for the kids, enough money to let them do a few clubs and stuff (that would be gone if there were two homes to pay for out of one wage)
I couldn't leave my kids. Being a parent every other weekend isn't my idea of being the best parent I can be. I sacrifice my own future for my kids - what parent wouldn't?
That type of home life isn't stable it has a massive emotional impact on the kids this thread has proved that "
I wouldn't look to a thread on a swingers site to prove anything. I think there is merit in what he said and some people do successfully stay together for the children without negative impact on the children. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes...
And no
Yes, staying together can work. A long relationship can peter out - you don't hate each other, you just forget why you loved each other all those years ago. Staying together keeps a stable home for the kids, enough money to let them do a few clubs and stuff (that would be gone if there were two homes to pay for out of one wage)
I couldn't leave my kids. Being a parent every other weekend isn't my idea of being the best parent I can be. I sacrifice my own future for my kids - what parent wouldn't?"
Some wouldn't do anything if it didn't benefit themselves. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am curious what everyone thinks.
Is it ever a good idea to remain in a relationship/marriage for the sake of the children??
(Because you want to give them the best, feel guilty and don't want them to suffer the trauma of their parents separating)
"
Sometimes it works, yes. Some parents can make it work. |
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
- Mrs. J -"
You still have 2 parents if they split up!
My parents tried to stay together for our sake and it was awful. They tried to hid the arguments but you knew they were there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes
They deserve two parents; and parents make sacrifices for their children
Same, totally awful x
- Mrs. J -
You still have 2 parents if they split up!
My parents tried to stay together for our sake and it was awful. They tried to hid the arguments but you knew they were there. "
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In a nutshell, NO. But it depends on your relationship with each other and whether you can happily co-exist as friends.
I agree that you make sacrifices for your children but you also have a duty to be a good role-model, and one thing you don't want to pass on to your kids is that you should stay in a relationship that is damaging or makes you unhappy "just because". x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Me and my ex tried to stay together for the sake of our son, but it didn't work. Neither of us were happy and It wasn't an environment I wanted to bring my child up in.
Now we have an adult civilised relationship where we both appreciate that we are good parents and want the best for our son. We go on holiday with eachother and our son. And co parent. This works for us and our son. It wouldn't work for everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes...
And no
Yes, staying together can work. A long relationship can peter out - you don't hate each other, you just forget why you loved each other all those years ago. Staying together keeps a stable home for the kids, enough money to let them do a few clubs and stuff (that would be gone if there were two homes to pay for out of one wage)
I couldn't leave my kids. Being a parent every other weekend isn't my idea of being the best parent I can be. I sacrifice my own future for my kids - what parent wouldn't?"
We know one friend who stayed with his wife until the girls were grown up, left university and one even got married
It can be done; it is called sacrifice. I would do the same if I was unfortunate in that my relationship with my husband went stale
- Mrs. J - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes...
And no
Yes, staying together can work. A long relationship can peter out - you don't hate each other, you just forget why you loved each other all those years ago. Staying together keeps a stable home for the kids, enough money to let them do a few clubs and stuff (that would be gone if there were two homes to pay for out of one wage)
I couldn't leave my kids. Being a parent every other weekend isn't my idea of being the best parent I can be. I sacrifice my own future for my kids - what parent wouldn't?
Some wouldn't do anything if it didn't benefit themselves. "
Throw-away society Me, me, me
- Mrs. J - |
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"In a nutshell, NO. But it depends on your relationship with each other and whether you can happily co-exist as friends.
I agree that you make sacrifices for your children but you also have a duty to be a good role-model, and one thing you don't want to pass on to your kids is that you should stay in a relationship that is damaging or makes you unhappy "just because". x"
I'd like to pass on that the value that you take responsibility for your decisions and don't always look longingly at the green grass on the other side.
It's more about not letting the relationship deteriorate in the first place than biting your tongue once it's already hit rock bottom. Most problems can be solved with good communication which i thought was something the swinging community ahead of the crowd in... |
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"Me and my ex tried to stay together for the sake of our son, but it didn't work. Neither of us were happy and It wasn't an environment I wanted to bring my child up in.
Now we have an adult civilised relationship where we both appreciate that we are good parents and want the best for our son. We go on holiday with eachother and our son. And co parent. This works for us and our son. It wouldn't work for everyone. "
that's a nice middle ground |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"it's ok, i don't share more than i'm comfortable with and tbh i dissociate from it all quite easily most of the time. i haven't been emotionally involved with my parents for well over a decade so it's like they aren't even real any more."
After reading your two comments it seems I have alot in common with you. I just want to hug You!
I've been beaten, battered and abused most of my entire life. I consider myself damaged goods. At least I'm good at recognising the bad boys and users now...sort of  . I stand up tall and refuse to be anyone's doormat. Sometimes that makes me sound a right bitch but I promise I'm really not. I wish I could move away from my parents but until my kids leave home, for their sake, I put up with them.
Chin up ladies, smile and be happy for your own sake as well as your kids! . X |
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"In a nutshell, NO. But it depends on your relationship with each other and whether you can happily co-exist as friends.
I agree that you make sacrifices for your children but you also have a duty to be a good role-model, and one thing you don't want to pass on to your kids is that you should stay in a relationship that is damaging or makes you unhappy "just because". x
I'd like to pass on that the value that you take responsibility for your decisions and don't always look longingly at the green grass on the other side.
It's more about not letting the relationship deteriorate in the first place than biting your tongue once it's already hit rock bottom. Most problems can be solved with good communication which i thought was something the swinging community ahead of the crowd in..."
I am well aware of that, my opinion was based purely on when all is said and done and it cannot be fixed.
People change, they fall out of love, become abusive, etc and there aren't always warning signs.
I agree that I want my children to take responsibility for their actions, but I also do not want them to be miserable and fighting to keep someone who doesn't want them, makes them unhappy or is abusive.
Staying together and co-existing for the kids is only feasible if you are BOTH happy, can communicate and remain civil.
If the relationship is toxic the kids will be worse off than they would be with separated parents. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It depends on how the relationship failed with me and my ex we just drifted apart it was very amicable
Luckily it was just the two of us i think if we had kids depending on age we may have gave it another shot
If the break up becomes poisonous then no way should you stay together. the last thing kids need is a traumatic break up |
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"In a nutshell, NO. But it depends on your relationship with each other and whether you can happily co-exist as friends.
I agree that you make sacrifices for your children but you also have a duty to be a good role-model, and one thing you don't want to pass on to your kids is that you should stay in a relationship that is damaging or makes you unhappy "just because". x
I'd like to pass on that the value that you take responsibility for your decisions and don't always look longingly at the green grass on the other side.
It's more about not letting the relationship deteriorate in the first place than biting your tongue once it's already hit rock bottom. Most problems can be solved with good communication which i thought was something the swinging community ahead of the crowd in...
I am well aware of that, my opinion was based purely on when all is said and done and it cannot be fixed.
People change, they fall out of love, become abusive, etc and there aren't always warning signs.
I agree that I want my children to take responsibility for their actions, but I also do not want them to be miserable and fighting to keep someone who doesn't want them, makes them unhappy or is abusive.
Staying together and co-existing for the kids is only feasible if you are BOTH happy, can communicate and remain civil.
If the relationship is toxic the kids will be worse off than they would be with separated parents. "
But happy is a pretty subjective term. Two facts are that 42% marriages end in divorce and Britain is objectively measured as one of the most individualistic cultures in the world (only behind America and Australia). In just saying that i don't think drifting apart and abuse can explain anywhere near 42% of marriages and it probably has a lot more to do with the latter fact regarding individualistic culture. |
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