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married men - married woman
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I've just listened to a number of TED lectures on sexless marriages and how them come about and what is happening from psychology.
It seems men have affairs, see escorts or search for sex in order to remain in their marriage. The love is separate from the sex.
However, women apparently have affairs, meet escorts and search for sex to escape from their marriages. The love is very tightly coupled to the physical.
Perhaps that explains the huge numbers of single men on here vs. the few unicorns.
Personally, to have a woman want to return home and stay with me after she has been out to play, and to see her enjoy herself swinging is a deep loving feeling.
Of course as a chap going through a highly unpleasant divorce right now I am just keeping my tin hat on and hoping the battle field will fall silent one day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel a fundamental difference between the sexes is that, when they see an attractive person, men think of sex whilst women think of seduction. As such, men are able to abstract out the sex act itself whilst women fantasise about it within the context of having a connection and being seduced. This, to me, can be a big disconnect between the genders.
For example, I suspect it's this that lies behind many sexless marriages, with them actually being marriages in which all the seduction has dried up. Having the guy bang on about not getting enough sex can be a major contributor to that, making him seem desperate, pushy, entitled, and smutty... things that, were he on the singles circuit again, would make him deeply unattractive to women. To save these types of sexless marriages the man has to find a way to become seductive again. A good start in the right direction is to focus on becoming charming and interesting again.
This would also explain why, when the sexes play away, the guys are looking for sex whilst the women are looking for seduction. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I feel a fundamental difference between the sexes is that, when they see an attractive person, men think of sex whilst women think of seduction. As such, men are able to abstract out the sex act itself whilst women fantasise about it within the context of having a connection and being seduced. This, to me, can be a big disconnect between the genders.
For example, I suspect it's this that lies behind many sexless marriages, with them actually being marriages in which all the seduction has dried up. Having the guy bang on about not getting enough sex can be a major contributor to that, making him seem desperate, pushy, entitled, and smutty... things that, were he on the singles circuit again, would make him deeply unattractive to women. To save these types of sexless marriages the man has to find a way to become seductive again. A good start in the right direction is to focus on becoming charming and interesting again.
This would also explain why, when the sexes play away, the guys are looking for sex whilst the women are looking for seduction. "
I don't entirely agree. What I have found with married men is that they enjoy the seduction game and getting validation of being seen as sexy again.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't entirely agree. What I have found with married men is that they enjoy the seduction game and getting validation of being seen as sexy again."
A good point. I shall have to return to my cave and ruminate on that for another 10 years 
I guess my kneejerk response is that both sexes get the same physical emotional gratification. Both sexes actually enjoy seductive connecting sex. It's just that men's minds get obsessed with an abstraction of it whilst women don't, they yearn for the full package. Ironically, it could be that by having an affair the guy recalls what the full package looks like (sex with seduction) and begins to feel and act more seductive with his partner. This provokes the odd question I've never seen asked on here... I wonder how many sexless marriages have suddenly got sexy and so been saved by the guy having an affair? Hmm that'll add another 5 years to my time in the cave |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't entirely agree. What I have found with married men is that they enjoy the seduction game and getting validation of being seen as sexy again.
A good point. I shall have to return to my cave and ruminate on that for another 10 years
I guess my kneejerk response is that both sexes get the same physical emotional gratification. Both sexes actually enjoy seductive connecting sex. It's just that men's minds get obsessed with an abstraction of it whilst women don't, they yearn for the full package. Ironically, it could be that by having an affair the guy recalls what the full package looks like (sex with seduction) and begins to feel and act more seductive with his partner.
This provokes the odd question I've never seen asked on here... I wonder how many sexless marriages have suddenly got sexy and so been saved by the guy having an affair? Hmm that'll add another 5 years to my time in the cave "
Affairs can often save marriages as per your last paragraph. 
Loving your thoughts tonight. Thought provoking stuff.  |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I don't entirely agree. What I have found with married men is that they enjoy the seduction game and getting validation of being seen as sexy again.
A good point. I shall have to return to my cave and ruminate on that for another 10 years
I guess my kneejerk response is that both sexes get the same physical emotional gratification. Both sexes actually enjoy seductive connecting sex. It's just that men's minds get obsessed with an abstraction of it whilst women don't, they yearn for the full package. Ironically, it could be that by having an affair the guy recalls what the full package looks like (sex with seduction) and begins to feel and act more seductive with his partner. This provokes the odd question I've never seen asked on here... I wonder how many sexless marriages have suddenly got sexy and so been saved by the guy having an affair? Hmm that'll add another 5 years to my time in the cave "
I know of three marriages 'saved' by affairs, and all stronger than before the affair. It's not for everyone but rebuilding trust requires honesty and that means both parties admitting their part in an affair happening.
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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think the difference is women are more forced to invest in relationships, as homemakers, 'natural' carers and nurturers, were forced to rely on men financially for a little while and that stuck too, support their guy through whatever 'important' stuff he was doing in the outside world while her role is insignificant somewhat as she is only bringing up his children.
so women have more to gain by leaving a guy who isn't up to standard, whereas men lose a lot more.
now that women are not so dependent on men we just need to get out of the habit of being a crutch for them. when women owned their own property and could lose half of it to a man by marrying him marriage was not so appealing in those times.
feminist history is incredibly interesting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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men have told me
...they like the chase
...a lot of men will fuck more or less anything if its there and offered
... can separate the love from the sex thing easier than women
i think the same can be said for some women too - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree, to a point. Yes, I agree that men can separate love from sex, but we still need a connection more often than not. I've tried "meaningless banging" with a couple and came away feeling cold and dirty. I've also had the most amazing sexual and emotional experience with a woman I'd just met.
Men who stray are often looking for affirmation that they're still attractive. It's a confidence booster, and very often results in an improvement in not only sex, but love in their marriage.
A sexless marriage is a terrible thing. It eats at your soul, and destroys your feeling of self worth. Such a shame, in this instance, that so many women and couples on here consider "attached" guys to be scorned. Their choice of course, but they could be saving a marriage while enjoying the process.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't entirely agree. What I have found with married men is that they enjoy the seduction game and getting validation of being seen as sexy again.
A good point. I shall have to return to my cave and ruminate on that for another 10 years
I guess my kneejerk response is that both sexes get the same physical emotional gratification. Both sexes actually enjoy seductive connecting sex. It's just that men's minds get obsessed with an abstraction of it whilst women don't, they yearn for the full package. Ironically, it could be that by having an affair the guy recalls what the full package looks like (sex with seduction) and begins to feel and act more seductive with his partner. This provokes the odd question I've never seen asked on here... I wonder how many sexless marriages have suddenly got sexy and so been saved by the guy having an affair? Hmm that'll add another 5 years to my time in the cave "
No need to add another 5 years to your time in the cave because I think you are right. With times relationships can become stale, efforts decline and both parties loss interest. The extra sexual contact can remind you how it feels when the effort is made. |
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There seems to be a suggestion that an affair may lead to a stale marriage becoming alive again . From my experience this is far from being the case . While a short lived rekindling may be the case , the reality is that the person embarking on the affair has broken all trust and this leads to an ineveitable end to the marriage .
This may not be true in every case , but for me I couldn't imagine staying in a relationship with someone who feels it's ok to embark on an affair . There would always be that element of doubt in my mind . So how could I feel comfortable ?
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"There seems to be a suggestion that an affair may lead to a stale marriage becoming alive again . From my experience this is far from being the case . While a short lived rekindling may be the case , the reality is that the person embarking on the affair has broken all trust and this leads to an ineveitable end to the marriage .
This may not be true in every case , but for me I couldn't imagine staying in a relationship with someone who feels it's ok to embark on an affair . There would always be that element of doubt in my mind . So how could I feel comfortable ?
"
agree with this. once trust is gone there is nothing left for me in a relationship so i start investing in myself instead of wasting my life on someone not worthy of me. |
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"There seems to be a suggestion that an affair may lead to a stale marriage becoming alive again . From my experience this is far from being the case . While a short lived rekindling may be the case , the reality is that the person embarking on the affair has broken all trust and this leads to an ineveitable end to the marriage .
This may not be true in every case , but for me I couldn't imagine staying in a relationship with someone who feels it's ok to embark on an affair . There would always be that element of doubt in my mind . So how could I feel comfortable ?
"
The thought of wondering because it happened once would spoil any future together in my mind.....trust and honesty have gone...nothing left! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with the last three posts. Trust is vital to any relationship. However, they're each written from the view point of someone who's found out their partner is cheating. I have no doubt that in those cases the act of cheating is catastrophic. The devil's advocate question was more whether, when not found out, an affair can rekindle a marriage by reminding the guy that before sex comes seduction |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"There seems to be a suggestion that an affair may lead to a stale marriage becoming alive again . From my experience this is far from being the case . While a short lived rekindling may be the case , the reality is that the person embarking on the affair has broken all trust and this leads to an ineveitable end to the marriage .
This may not be true in every case , but for me I couldn't imagine staying in a relationship with someone who feels it's ok to embark on an affair . There would always be that element of doubt in my mind . So how could I feel comfortable ?
"
If trust is lost completely then a relationship can't be rebuilt. If there is an exploration of why an affair happened, and there is some reconciliation and new ground rules, then you can rebuild that trust.
Sometimes the offending party really is just a selfish so and so out to get whatever they can and could never be trusted in the first place. The trust felt by the other party was built on sand and would have been lost sooner or later.
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