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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I saw one of those 'inspirational quote' type pics that said "get rid of friends that never ask how you're doing". I was agreeing but then thought... sometimes I don't ask how my friends are but I do still care. Maybe they are the same.
Do you ask your friends how they are doing? Do they ask you? |
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By *horltzMan
over a year ago
heysham |
My friends are spread all over the world , I may not have contact for months or years , then we will get together and have a blast ! That's true friendship , and I never ask how they are in between and vice versa , I would rather live my life , not live by quotes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not on here i don't.
My real friends i sort of do, when i keep in touch. But i don't keep in touch, that is my issue.
In January I discovered that one of my close friends has been battling depression and it's gotten so bad she's had to give up work (she was self-employed). I'm a shitty friend.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do try and ask, in real life my friends and I are always sharing how we are as most of us are in similar situations so we understand the stresses our lives bring.
Though sometimes I do think I can get caught up in my own life and neglect some people. But they always know I'm here if they need me x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You mean friends in real life ....then yes I ask them all the time
They don't always ask me as I'm always bubbly"
Yeah exactly this, thank you. I act like I'm ok then feel bad when they don't ask if I'm ok- but why would they ask? I have to tell them I'm not ok. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not on here i don't.
My real friends i sort of do, when i keep in touch. But i don't keep in touch, that is my issue.
In January I discovered that one of my close friends has been battling depression and it's gotten so bad she's had to give up work (she was self-employed). I'm a shitty friend.
"
Why are you a shitty friend? x You can help her now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I try to ensure I ask, day to day, but also to *really* ask beyond the acceptance of a 'yeah fine' answer. I know how much it means to me when someone really seeks communication with me, and demonstrates they've listened to me, thought on things I've said or things that they've observed and want to understand more what is going on for me. They don't have to have the answers, there's a brilliant little clip on the difference between empathy and sympathy by Brene Brown for RSA Shorts that sums up how simply 'being' with someone in how they are feeling is just spot on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
So yeah, I try to do unto others what I would like in interactions towards me. I have a rule with friends though that I'm really clear on - there's no expectation for them having to respond, as sometimes it can be too exhausting having to deal with your woes *and* then go through it all with someone else, they will when they feel able or need me. When someone is low, it shouldn't then become about you wanting to be the hero/rescuer and getting the input that you require to feel good about yourself - if that makes sense? - you're aiming to be a support/relieve stress not further burden.
So none of the "I asked you how you were, and you haven't told me fully blah blah" stuff.
How are you, OP?
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I try to ensure I ask, day to day, but also to *really* ask beyond the acceptance of a 'yeah fine' answer. I know how much it means to me when someone really seeks communication with me, and demonstrates they've listened to me, thought on things I've said or things that they've observed and want to understand more what is going on for me. They don't have to have the answers, there's a brilliant little clip on the difference between empathy and sympathy by Brene Brown for RSA Shorts that sums up how simply 'being' with someone in how they are feeling is just spot on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
So yeah, I try to do unto others what I would like in interactions towards me. I have a rule with friends though that I'm really clear on - there's no expectation for them having to respond, as sometimes it can be too exhausting having to deal with your woes *and* then go through it all with someone else, they will when they feel able or need me. When someone is low, it shouldn't then become about you wanting to be the hero/rescuer and getting the input that you require to feel good about yourself - if that makes sense? - you're aiming to be a support/relieve stress not further burden.
So none of the "I asked you how you were, and you haven't told me fully blah blah" stuff.
How are you, OP?
"
Yes that does make sense, thank you. I'm doing ok thanks. How are you today Estella? |
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Asking 'how are you' to friends does seem to come over as a enquiry rather than a concern.
I really hope that my true friends would easily tell me if they weren't fine or felt troubled, as would I to them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've got a friend I've learnt the hard way NEVER to ask him "alright mate"..
Oh god it slipped out without thinking..
No not really, no I'm not alright.. Then you have to sit and listen to twenty minutes of the dogs got depression, the cats run off, the wife's having an affair, there making everybody redundant at his place, the kids broke his leg, the house has damp, his tennis elbow is playing up again, the neighbours play music at midnight.... Fuck off its just a greeting, are you alright mate, yeah could be worse. Nice one see you later    |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes I do. When I'm troubled about something though I often shut myself away and dont always share. I like my own space. I've got better with age.
I think we are are pre programmed to say I'm ok. I met a friend in the Doctors Surgery recently who said how are you? I replied automatically I'm fine. Then thought to myself, actually I'm not otherwise I wouldn't be sat waiting to see the Dr. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
•+• Access Denied •+• |
tbf i'm only asking because i know you're ill.  most of the time i expect you to be ok if you don't say you aren't, i'm the same with anyone really. although in person it's easier to tell if someone is upset and not saying something.
friendship is like any other relationship, you have your own boundaries. if a friendship is pissing you off or toxic then getting rid is a good idea but i think if you're enjoying it then you're own 'rules' are being satiated already. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I try to ensure I ask, day to day, but also to *really* ask beyond the acceptance of a 'yeah fine' answer. I know how much it means to me when someone really seeks communication with me, and demonstrates they've listened to me, thought on things I've said or things that they've observed and want to understand more what is going on for me. They don't have to have the answers, there's a brilliant little clip on the difference between empathy and sympathy by Brene Brown for RSA Shorts that sums up how simply 'being' with someone in how they are feeling is just spot on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
So yeah, I try to do unto others what I would like in interactions towards me. I have a rule with friends though that I'm really clear on - there's no expectation for them having to respond, as sometimes it can be too exhausting having to deal with your woes *and* then go through it all with someone else, they will when they feel able or need me. When someone is low, it shouldn't then become about you wanting to be the hero/rescuer and getting the input that you require to feel good about yourself - if that makes sense? - you're aiming to be a support/relieve stress not further burden.
So none of the "I asked you how you were, and you haven't told me fully blah blah" stuff.
How are you, OP?
Yes that does make sense, thank you. I'm doing ok thanks. How are you today Estella? "
I'm really good, in a happy and  'd up mood. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a friend who never asked despite me going out of my way to ask her. She would come hang out and constantly complain and I would listen and give advice and try perk her up but I realised how much she was dragging me down, i started to dread seeing her so kind of avoided her recently. |
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I rarely ask because they tell me anyway. If they tell me they're having a tough time I will ask until I know the tough time is over.
I stop bothering with friends who never contact me unless I contact them or they want something. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Luckily I don't have my many friends to ask. My bestest friend is in the army. We could go months without any contact but everything is still exactly how it was when we last saw each other. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"tbf i'm only asking because i know you're ill. most of the time i expect you to be ok if you don't say you aren't, i'm the same with anyone really. although in person it's easier to tell if someone is upset and not saying something.
friendship is like any other relationship, you have your own boundaries. if a friendship is pissing you off or toxic then getting rid is a good idea but i think if you're enjoying it then you're own 'rules' are being satiated already."
Good point, I think I expect people to be ok too. Also true about boundaries. If either of the people are unhappy it's up to them to say so. Each person's 'rules' can be different, as long as both people are happy that's all that matters. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had a friend who never asked despite me going out of my way to ask her. She would come hang out and constantly complain and I would listen and give advice and try perk her up but I realised how much she was dragging me down, i started to dread seeing her so kind of avoided her recently."
I totally get that. Some people have a negative effect on us. |
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so I am one of these people that would never tell you if I don't get asked. and you would never know either as I am extremely good in putting up a front.
I am very very picky with friends - and can't often be bothered with superficial friendships.
so I also ask friends how they really are and also tell them if I think they are not telling the truth- but if the don't want to share at that point i more than understand. if you are a true friend you will be there when they are ready.
it's a shame though that that seems to be in the middle of the night sometimes  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had a friend who never asked despite me going out of my way to ask her. She would come hang out and constantly complain and I would listen and give advice and try perk her up but I realised how much she was dragging me down, i started to dread seeing her so kind of avoided her recently."
I think I'm guilty of doing this with some friends. I can be the grumpy negative one. I need to be more aware. |
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