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Honeys hotline
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I just want someone to cuddle me please and stroke my hair.
Sorry. I can't help you there.
Call me when you want ruined!  "
Indeed I shall when I'm fixed  |
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"Honey I need help. How do I convince a stubborn poorly lady to take to her sick bed?  "
You would most certainly have to carry her there, cuddle her *restrain and stroke her hair until she falls asleep.
Or you know, drug her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Welcome to my hotline, how can I help you this evening?
I will try my best to advise you on all matters from diy to *well you know*   "
I have a problem how do I install a flitch beam |
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"Hi Honey
Could you tell this taxi driver that he isn't Lewis Hamilton and I don't want whiplash.
Not that sort anyway "
I'm not great at communicating with taxi drivers Kinger. I tend to offend them but ok sure.
"Oi drive, slow the fuck down in rattlin' around like a rogue Orange back here" |
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"Honey I need help. How do I convince a stubborn poorly lady to take to her sick bed?
You would most certainly have to carry her there, cuddle her *restrain and stroke her hair until she falls asleep.
Or you know, drug her."
I am fairly certain that the latter solution is frowned upon. I will go for with the first. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My toilet cistern keeps overfilling fs any diy tits?
Call a plumber  "
bend the ball cock lever so it doesn't over fill , reckon the lever could be faulty |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi Honey
Could you tell this taxi driver that he isn't Lewis Hamilton and I don't want whiplash.
Not that sort anyway
I'm not great at communicating with taxi drivers Kinger. I tend to offend them but ok sure.
"Oi drive, slow the fuck down in rattlin' around like a rogue Orange back here""
Thanks toots |
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"Welcome to my hotline, how can I help you this evening?
I will try my best to advise you on all matters from diy to *well you know* I have a problem how do I install a flitch beam "
That ain't no diy! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Honey it's only Wednesday but I want to drink ALL THE WINE already 
Do I go to bed after one glass and be fresh for anotger boring day at work tomorrow?
Or shall I drink ALL OF IT and possibly shag someone completely inappropriate
??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Honey! I need help! My hair dye has stained my neck pink!!
Now come on Pinky, this isn't your first rodeo.
Baby wipes?
Tried that!
Failed  "
try hand sanitiser - the type with alcohol in |
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"Honey it's only Wednesday but I want to drink ALL THE WINE already
Do I go to bed after one glass and be fresh for anotger boring day at work tomorrow?
Or shall I drink ALL OF IT and possibly shag someone completely inappropriate
???"
You know the answer. |
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"Honey it's only Wednesday but I want to drink ALL THE WINE already
Do I go to bed after one glass and be fresh for anotger boring day at work tomorrow?
Or shall I drink ALL OF IT and possibly shag someone completely inappropriate
???"
Work is boring so a hangover will mix it up a bit.
Have the bottle and get some sex |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I need a good excuse. My long term buddy wants Skype sex (not real sex) later, and I don't.
So I don't have to put out I need a good get out lie.
WiFi on the blink! "
He's WhatsApping me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I need a good excuse. My long term buddy wants Skype sex (not real sex) later, and I don't.
So I don't have to put out I need a good get out lie.
There is only one solution...upset stomach "
He's already asked me how I am. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Welcome to my hotline, how can I help you this evening?
I will try my best to advise you on all matters from diy to *well you know* I have a problem how do I install a flitch beam
That ain't no diy! "
I have to do it myself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My toilet cistern keeps overfilling fs any diy tits?
Call a plumber bend the ball cock lever so it doesn't over fill , reckon the lever could be faulty "
Am not touching no ball cock fs |
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"Welcome to my hotline, how can I help you this evening?
I will try my best to advise you on all matters from diy to *well you know* I have a problem how do I install a flitch beam
That ain't no diy! I have to do it myself "
Google is your friend. I like RSJs better... |
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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
Oh I have a dilemma... a man I hardly know has leant me his car for two days. Its not just any car! I thought it was a genuine act of kindness however now I wonder if its stolen or there's a dead body in the back lol |
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"Miss.Honey how long will I be poorly for?
#yesiwantsympathy
As long as I am poorly.
Me too, plus cuddles
Still? Oh no I hope this isn't a long drawn out poorliness "
Yep. Bed rest needs to happen instead of a day in bed |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Honey! I need help! My hair dye has stained my neck pink!!
Now come on Pinky, this isn't your first rodeo.
Baby wipes?
Tried that!
Failed
Make up remover xx
Nail varnish remover or bleach "
sand paper - last resort |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Welcome to my hotline, how can I help you this evening?
I will try my best to advise you on all matters from diy to *well you know* I have a problem how do I install a flitch beam
That ain't no diy! I have to do it myself
Google is your friend. I like RSJs better..."
ha a piece of metal not easy to adjust |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
"Honey! I need help! My hair dye has stained my neck pink!!
Now come on Pinky, this isn't your first rodeo.
Baby wipes?
Tried that!
Failed
Make up remover xx
Nail varnish remover or bleach
sand paper - last resort "
Mix up a paste of ash and shampoo. Rub that on the stain and rinse. It really works. Unfortunately I haven't smoked in nearly a year so ash is hard to come by. |
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