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Put your kids first forever
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Parents.
People who've had parents.
Sons of god.
Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers.
My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on.
They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues.
My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever?
Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority?
My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me.
The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out.
Argh!!!!!! |
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You are allowed to come first. I do speak from experience. You spend your life giving giving and giving but that does NOT give them any god given right to own you. Speak to the daughter... she will come and go and do her own thing, you cannot wait for the 'right' time as that will never come and you will be old and die and there ya go.
Just saying  |
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Do you what's best for you and your wife.
She's old enough to make her choices and live with the consequences. She clearly doesn't get on with her, but that's no reason not to be civil about things.
If she doesn't want to respect boundaries then it's time for you to enforce them and let her go.
Remember it's her choice not yours. You're always there if she needs you. On your terms not hers.
Best of luck.
MHG |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh god what a situation to be in, your daughter is behaving like a child who's using an emotional guilt trip to get her own way. Yes you are allowed to have a partner who you put on an equal footing with your children. After all your children move on to have lives of their own.
I have no other words of wisdom, just hope you can sit down with her and work out a compromise that works for you all x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I love my kids ok 20s now and 2 of each. We are very close and my girls cant even stand me going on a holiday with out them the boys now have girlfriend taking my place I feel and its fine as long as they are happy I don't care. We all get on .. And over the years when there has been a row we sit down and chat about how we feel .. its not easy but getting things out in the open really helps . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I kinda agree with op but if your children love you and you them then a relationship should always remain paramount ,your latest relationship may not last forever your children should and hopefully will |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your daughter is being very selfish. Despite the fact that she is an adult she should also want you to be happy, you clearly love your wife and she loves you so why would she want to ruin that?
I do understand she maybe feels unsupported by you but she does need to understand she is a grown up now and needs to fight her own battles.
Hopefully she comes to her senses soon x |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
"Do you what's best for you and your wife.
She's old enough to make her choices and live with the consequences. She clearly doesn't get on with her, but that's no reason not to be civil about things.
If she doesn't want to respect boundaries then it's time for you to enforce them and let her go.
Remember it's her choice not yours. You're always there if she needs you. On your terms not hers.
Best of luck.
MHG"
Very difficult but at her age I have to agree with this  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you sacrifice your life for your children, you often find it very difficult to claw it back, once they've moved on, flown the nest, or whatever else occurs that means your time is once again your own.
Hang on to yourself. Having children does not make you null and void, as a person.
Your children will respect you for it, I promise.
I know this from personal experience. Being a troubled teen with VERY different parents, having children of my own, and seeing two of my sisters who have stopped being their own people for an only son. It never pays to abandon yourself.
They're the greatest achievement, ever, but don't lose yourself in the process. You lose your sanity, as you know. (I have, with two boys in 14 months.) But you knew that anyway! |
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I have had some serious failings out with my step-mum. It's very difficult.
I understood that my dad loves us both. I will not be there every day for my dad, so I want him to have someone in his life who will.
It got to the point where myself and my dad would communicate in secret so as not to upset her. Whilst I don't agree that was right, I wasn't prepared to lose my dad.
My sister was the opposite, she stopped talking to my dad the day he left my mum. Their relationship has never repaired and over 20 yrs later they still don't speak.
I would speak to them both and tell them you aren't prepared to be bullied or guilt tripped into anything, that you love them both in different ways, and they need to respect that.
I wish you all the very best in this difficult situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Partners have a tendency to come and go. A child is forever, or until they don't need you anymore.
Personally my children would come before any partner i had. They are my blood.
But obviously life is not that simple. This is partly why i am single, i know i would happily tell a bloke to do one if he fell out with my kids, although there is a massive difference as mine are 5 and 7.
I don't know what to suggest, but i hope things resolve themselves before anything drastic happens.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe OP wright how you feel in a letter .......... and so they can read it again and again and it may help them see how you feel about what is going on in your life and your good with words. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Makes you think how she ever got on without you when working away ??
Yes you'll always love her and want her to be in your life ?
But !!
Like has been said when she moves on she'll be quite happy to do her own thing and drop you ! Only coming back when she needs help ??
It's amazing how little input they want from you in their life as most that age know it all !!
But you need and should always do what they say ??
It's a balancing act but long term you and your partner should put yourselves first but have the flexibility to be able to help
Good luck |
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"Do you what's best for you and your wife.
She's old enough to make her choices and live with the consequences. She clearly doesn't get on with her, but that's no reason not to be civil about things.
If she doesn't want to respect boundaries then it's time for you to enforce them and let her go.
Remember it's her choice not yours. You're always there if she needs you. On your terms not hers.
Best of luck.
MHG"
Pretty much this, she is being totally unreasonable in her demands..
Hopefully she will see sense and accept you are still there for her but you have the right to a life with someone and she should as an adult respect this..
Good luck Op .. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I feel like I'm going back on my promise to my daughters.
I've been with my now wife for fifteen years.
We split up before getting back together and marrying. When we discussed the reasons for our breakup it revolved around lack of communication and kids.
We decided we needed to start thinking about our needs too.
We opened up fully, hence me coming out to her as bi and as gender confused!
We decided to make time for us and we take a few days away now and then. The kids don't seem to get this even though we've explained.
We have four kids. Two each. Four estranged parents.
It was hard work trying to bring them up with minimal damage from our previous failed relationships and all four are doing well.
My youngest has always needed that extra attention. She's a bit of a drama lover.
I almost feel I should have just forsaken relationships and just been a parent. |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
"
I almost feel I should have just forsaken relationships and just been a parent. "
Good lord no, it's your life to. Your daughter will probably see that as selfish but in time when she has forged her own relationships and had kids she will understand
I wish I'd been kinder to my parents! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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At this point of her life, if she is not mature enough to treat the wife that makes you happy, with at least a bit of civility, then it's probably time she learnt to grow up the hard way... As long as she knows that your door is always open in the future to a more stable relationship then unless you're prepared to divorce your wife on your daughters say so...
Having said that, the stories and personal experience of step children who have been friends over the years, especially where both came to the relationship with children, or had one together afterwards, many felt there was unfair treatment in comparison to the paternal/maternal child... not implying this is relevant to your situation, from your post your daughter seems to be the more unreasonable one, at her age you have to wonder why.
I'm guessing you want to live happily ever after with your wife, whilst you want your daughter to carry on experiencing working around the world, one day finding a partner and living happily ever after...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP Kids even older ones can be very selfish but we love them so let them get away with things I do I know . But you have a life yourself and you should be happy too .. We have one life and you come across as a good parent to me a very caring one don't be so hard on youself. |
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God I feel for you and see this all coming my way. I have 2 kids but a huge age gap and different mothers. My son's 28 now a grown man but he will always be my boy. We are now at the point we arnt father and son anymore we are best mates. Strange as it may seem we have even been to clubs together. My daughter is 15 next week and by fuck is she doing the whole teenie thing. Her and her mum have the whole battle of wills thing. She really doesn't like my exes partner but hard as it is to admit he's a good guy and doesn't deserve the way she treats him which courses a lot of rifts with her and her mum to the point it's an easyer life for us all if she's round me more but I can see that big blow out just over the hill and I'm dreading it. I know this is know help rach but your not alone mate all we can do is hope it all turns out well and if not deal with the cards we are dealt. Best of luck mate I know your smart enough to deal with how ever it turns out your no push over.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"At this point of her life, if she is not mature enough to treat the wife that makes you happy, with at least a bit of civility, then it's probably time she learnt to grow up the hard way... As long as she knows that your door is always open in the future to a more stable relationship then unless you're prepared to divorce your wife on your daughters say so...
Having said that, the stories and personal experience of step children who have been friends over the years, especially where both came to the relationship with children, or had one together afterwards, many felt there was unfair treatment in comparison to the paternal/maternal child... not implying this is relevant to your situation, from your post your daughter seems to be the more unreasonable one, at her age you have to wonder why.
I'm guessing you want to live happily ever after with your wife, whilst you want your daughter to carry on experiencing working around the world, one day finding a partner and living happily ever after...
"
My daughter is very stubborn, itellegent, (she has a law degree), and demanding.
My wife is on the autistic spectrum and very blunt at times. She has always struggled to be sympathetic to my daughters demanding behaviour.
It has just got worse as the years have gone on.
To me, they set each other off and clash because of their conflicting personalities.
I thjnnnone of the reasons my wife loves me is because she likes being the more manly one. The draconian one in the relationship. I'm the cuddly one who the kids talk their problems over with. |
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Tricky situation.
I remember telling our daughter once when she was being particularly difficult not to try and play one of us off against the other because our relationship was more important than her games. She was a teenager at the time. You're dealing with two adults although your daughter will have baggage. Ask her how she would feel if you demanded that she chose between you and the love of her life because you didn't get along with them? I think its fair to point out that if she asks you to abandon a relationship for her that you can ask her to be permanently available as a single daughter to you. Then as difficult as it might be leave her to make her own decision. An alternative might be asking a neutral third party to mediate. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ok, she is an adult. I imagine you wouldn't be having an effect on her relationship? As in saying you must come above her partner?
I think she needs a little bit of encouragement to mature and see thing from your side xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"At this point of her life, if she is not mature enough to treat the wife that makes you happy, with at least a bit of civility, then it's probably time she learnt to grow up the hard way... As long as she knows that your door is always open in the future to a more stable relationship then unless you're prepared to divorce your wife on your daughters say so...
Having said that, the stories and personal experience of step children who have been friends over the years, especially where both came to the relationship with children, or had one together afterwards, many felt there was unfair treatment in comparison to the paternal/maternal child... not implying this is relevant to your situation, from your post your daughter seems to be the more unreasonable one, at her age you have to wonder why.
I'm guessing you want to live happily ever after with your wife, whilst you want your daughter to carry on experiencing working around the world, one day finding a partner and living happily ever after...
My daughter is very stubborn, itellegent, (she has a law degree), and demanding.
My wife is on the autistic spectrum and very blunt at times. She has always struggled to be sympathetic to my daughters demanding behaviour.
It has just got worse as the years have gone on.
To me, they set each other off and clash because of their conflicting personalities.
I thjnnnone of the reasons my wife loves me is because she likes being the more manly one. The draconian one in the relationship. I'm the cuddly one who the kids talk their problems over with. "
I really feel for you Rachael as I have two daughters of which I do not see one......it's complicated! My other daughter I see almost on a daily basis, and see needs me very much due to her health. While obviously she does not know about my life on here, she has spoken about me getting attached again with mixed feelings. One the one hand she wants me to get on with someone but she feels if I do she will lose some of me....which I hope would never happen......but!
So I get what your going through and your not alone  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There came a time when not so long ago that I realised my children had grown up and had to make their way in life without my interference. I look back at their childhood and when they were young it seemed so permanent , them one day I woke up and they were both grown up. I left the army at 40 a year later my boy had joined and like my father worried about me I worry about him. My daughter lives close by and recently broke up with her husband. I didn't interfere but I was that shoulder she needed to cry on. Which she has many times. So my advice would be to always love your children , be there for them but also live your life. You've done your bit. |
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I kinda think once your children are adult's they need to stop acting like the world revolves around them! I'm starting to let my children know as they're both teenager's now that I'm not alway's going to put them first and jump when they want me too.
Do what is best for you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Parents.
People who've had parents.
Sons of god.
Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers.
My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on.
They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues.
My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever?
Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority?
My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me.
The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out.
Argh!!!!!! "
Sorry but if it was me and my daughter told me that I had to take her side or that's it, then I'm afraid she would be very disappointed.
I make my own choices and children have to respect that end of.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this.
As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted!
She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to.
More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much.
Still frustrated. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Im sure that you are a very good parent, you appear to be a lovely person here on the forums and im sure that carries over into family life.
I think i would agree with those here who have said that your daughter is bring childish etc. She is really not being very fair to you. Obviously you need to make sure your partner is ok aswell as your children. Its almost as if your daughter is black mailing (Fab wont let me type this word correctly) you. You and your partner do need time together and your daughter must understand that.
Obviously i dont know what the original row was about but maybe get a family friend to try to intervene and help you all talk ? |
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"Parents.
People who've had parents.
Sons of god.
Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers.
My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on.
They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues.
My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever?
Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority?
My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me.
The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out.
Argh!!!!!! "
There isn't a simple answer to that for some its yes others no but once they become adults maybe they should be treat as equals rather than first or last. |
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Even when children are are grown up they still need you ....usually if they are unhappy .
The love you feel for your partner is different from the love you feel for your children.
My childrens father always swayed towards his partner ... and I had to bite my tongue for years .... but now its his loss , my children ask him for help ....or just to see him .... he doesn't bother .....but the tide has turned now .....he has a grandchild and another on the way .... its devestated my son that his little boy doesnt know his grand dad..... but its his loss ....one day he will be a lonley old man .....his partner has MS .....
One day HE will need his children .....
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"Parents.
People who've had parents.
Sons of god.
Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers.
My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on.
They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues.
My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever?
Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority?
My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me.
The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out.
Argh!!!!!! "
Think of it like this, if you had only met one woman and she was the mother of your child. Would you allow either of them to blackm@il each other out of your life.
Children do come first. But parenting is not about friendship, saying no and setting boundaries and examples of reasonable behaviour are part of it.
What if it was the two daughters who fell out? Would you throw one out on the others say so?
If you have seen both sides and this is a pissing contest to see who has more influence and is not about anything substantial then you have to set the lines about what is acceptable behaviour. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your daughter sounds like a brat! She needs to know her place and treat her parent with more respect. She's a grown woman. She needs to move out too. Please do not let her dictate your life. She's old enough to do as she pleases with her love life, so are you. |
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My dad's wife has 2 son's in their 40's,the problems they have caused is ridiculous. It's so hard for my dad when one of them treats his wife like absolute crap,I know it's different as she's your child,but sometimes you have to look after your own sanity.
How the heck my dad has stayed with her I don't know. She's probably been too soft over the year's and that may be one of the reasons they treat her the way they do,but try and stay strong! At 22 she's an adult and should be treated at such. It's hard to say I know. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like they are both behaving as badly as each other. You shouldn't have to choose. It can stlll change with age, your daughter is 22 so yes an adult, but a young one.
I struggled twice, accepting a step dad when I was 15 who died young. We had tremendous rows when I was a teen but I loved him to bits eventually and was devasted when he died.
My Mum then met a younger guy, she was in her early 50s, he 15 years younger. I thought he was some wannabee who wouldn't stick around. I was 30 so definitely an adult and not living At home. I still felt threatened though that he was taking my Mum away and made my thoughts known.
That man made my Mum so happy for the last decade of her life and I was just being selfish when they first met. I couldn't see it at the time though. I'm so glad I gave him a chance.
Your daughter and your wife need to sort it out between themselves. Can your daughter's sibling help ? Make them see how it is making you feel. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I feel like I'm going back on my promise to my daughters.
I've been with my now wife for fifteen years.
We split up before getting back together and marrying. When we discussed the reasons for our breakup it revolved around lack of communication and kids.
We decided we needed to start thinking about our needs too.
We opened up fully, hence me coming out to her as bi and as gender confused!
We decided to make time for us and we take a few days away now and then. The kids don't seem to get this even though we've explained.
We have four kids. Two each. Four estranged parents.
It was hard work trying to bring them up with minimal damage from our previous failed relationships and all four are doing well.
My youngest has always needed that extra attention. She's a bit of a drama lover.
I almost feel I should have just forsaken relationships and just been a parent. "
She's 22?! She sounds very selfish and childish.
You've been a parent for 22+ years. You are still a parent but they are all adults ffs. Sounds like they are trying to emotionally black mail you.
It's YOUR turn to live now! x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this.
As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted!
She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to.
More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much.
Still frustrated. "
OP I am worried they will make you ill from all the stress .. It cant go on .. Let them know what its doing to you.? Its not all about them. X BIG HUGS X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this.
As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted!
She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to.
More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much.
Still frustrated. OP I am worried they will make you ill from all the stress .. It cant go on .. Let them know what its doing to you.? Its not all about them. X BIG HUGS X"
Definitely this |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this.
As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted!
She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to.
More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much.
Still frustrated. OP I am worried they will make you ill from all the stress .. It cant go on .. Let them know what its doing to you.? Its not all about them. X BIG HUGS X"
Thank you. I've ridden out a lot worse. I got custody twice over. That wasn't a walk in the park.
Once again fab forumites are helping me get my head straight (I know; me. Straight. lol) I knew there were a lot of parents on here and you're doing me proud. There is no book to guide you. We're only human and we don't always get it right. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Im sorry but they need to go fuck themselves right now... you need to put YOU first!! The kids are all adults now so you and your wife deserve to have time away together and pull away from the kids a bit! They can cope just fine and just dont need to be there for them 24/7 365!
Daughter and even step daughter need to learn some damn respect as to who the parents are.. this is coming from a child not a parent too |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
OP, this is horrible for you.
Tell your daughter you will always love her as your daughter but that's not the same love as you have for your wife. Equal but fundamentally different.
Love isn't selfish or finite and the more you love the more you have to give. A happy you is able to give her more love, not less.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ahh this is such a tough situation to be in. Although 22 is classed as an adult, that maturity just isn't there and I think it's up to you to firmly tell her how you feel. I'm sure she'll be annoyed, but in the long run, I think she'll respect you for standing firm.
I don't have children but I have been a selfish 22 year-old who thought her needs were more important. If my Mum hadn't stood firm with me, I don't think I'd be the person I am today.
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There comes a time in your life as a parent when you have to detach yourself from that which you cannot fix.
I've done it with both my children (both in their 30's) and they have had to accept it. They were told, as was I, that they will always have a loving roof over their heads should they need it but as it's my roof, it's my rules.
It may be worth seeking out family counselling but I think Rachael that you need to make it clear to all of them that you are hurting and they are ignoring your needs whilst demanding you observe theirs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I chose to have kids so they were my responsibility until they were grown, gone and settled.Now I'm getting some life back, but I'm always there for them. |
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"Partners have a tendency to come and go. A child is forever, or until they don't need you anymore.
Personally my children would come before any partner i had. They are my blood.
But obviously life is not that simple. This is partly why i am single, i know i would happily tell a bloke to do one if he fell out with my kids, although there is a massive difference as mine are 5 and 7.
I don't know what to suggest, but i hope things resolve themselves before anything drastic happens.
"
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