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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't know what all the fuss about Jimmy Saville was.
When I was a kid I wrote in and Jim fixed it for me to go to BBC television centre in London to milk a cow blindfolded.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you get when you cross a Rooster and an Owl?... .... a Cock that stays up all night long
Lol you must know me  "
I get told that joke on a monthly basis, then someone sent me it as a private message  |
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Breaking News: The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road. lf this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thunder God goes out on his horse and roars "I'm Thor"
The horse looks back and says "you forgot your thaddle thilly!" "
Hahahahaa!
What do you call a woman at the back of a goal post?
Anette
( sorry ) |
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By *dy-ukTV/TS
over a year ago
Alcester |
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s, when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: “So, why are you here?”
The yellow Lab replied: “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
The black Lab said: “So what’s the vet going to do?”
“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the yellow Lab.
“They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked: “So, why are you here?”
The Black Lab said: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you ? ” the Yellow Lab enquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: “Why are you here?”
“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see.”
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.”
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said: “So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”
The Great Dane said: “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A dyslexic man walks into a bra
You realise 3/4 of the people on here won't get that. 
Why won't they?  "
Because they claim to be dyslexic ... do wont understand the joke. |
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By *rwolfMan
over a year ago
bristol |
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, “When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her “Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem.”
Jack took his father’s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing.
He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said “I can’t wear these, they’re far too large for me.”
“Exactly” Jack replied “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on Jack,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
“I can’t get into your knickers,” said Jack.
So Jill said ” Exactly, and if you don’t change your fucking attitude, you never will.....???? |
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Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy sexually harassing a girl whilst standing on my watch.
Walked straight up to him and punched him in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl........Not on my watch. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was a man in fancy dress in the market place today. He was dressed as Henry VIII and was asking for money.
I didn't give him anything.
Everybody know that beggars can't be Tudors. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man walks into a library "FISH AND CHIPS TWICE PLEASE!". Librarian says "but this is a library!".
Man - (in whisper) "sorry, fish and chips twice, please".
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Young lad goes into his local chemists...
He shyly asks the girl behind the counter for his first pack of condoms.
She asks "How many do you require? They are sold in packs of 3, 6 and 12"
The young lad, still shaking, enquires "Why do they come in those pack sizes?"
The girl replies "Well, from what I've heard, a 3 pack is usually for those who have fun filled weekends, one for Friday night, one for Saturday Night and one for Sunday night"
She continues... "A 6 pack is for more energetic people...2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday night" Then girl then goes quiet...
The young guy's over active mind started racing and he enquired excitedly..."Wow, What is the 12 pack for?"
The girl replied "Oh, you wont be needing a 12 pack just yet, they are for married couples...January, February...."  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I see David furnace is divorcing Elton John, another celebrity split, this is due to alleged adultery.
Apparently David has caught Elton having sex behind his back. |
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Having read the thread, it is a shame that some have resorted to 1970's Irish jokes. We have surely moved on from that, haven't we?
Now for my contribution to the thread.
There were these two Eskimos from Dublin......... |
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