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Jokes 4

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By *ushroom7 OP Man over a year ago

Bradford

Householder answers knock at Door, "Yes?"

Person : "I'm from Social Services, we think your child's at risk"

Householder, "Why is that?"

Person : "We're fucking useless"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

ME!!! Best joke of the year

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ive just been watching my senile old neighbour keep knocking on his own front door then go round the other side to answer his own knocks..he doesn't have a clue what he's letting himself in for

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Was out walking with the wife this morning when she stopped, took her shoe off and started complaining about having a stone in it. I replied theres about 20 fucking stone in the other shoe so keep walking

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

the chavs next door asked me to join in a water fight so i thought id message you while the kettles boiling

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By *azmissy67Woman over a year ago

welshpool area

what do u call a one eyed dinosaur ???

Doyouthinkhesawus hehe x

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By *ddiddyMan over a year ago

kilkenny

fuking brilliant

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

This week is National Transplant Week. So, give what you can.

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By *exywheelsCouple over a year ago

inverness

A worried Priest goes to the Doctor with a small white hard lump on his penis,Doctor gets a pair of tweezers and picks off the lump,examines it,turns to anxious Priest and says "Nothing to worry about,it's only a milk tooth

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By *exywheelsCouple over a year ago

inverness

Lady of the night.

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

' I vish to buy sex viz you. '

' OK, ' says the girl, ' I charge £20 an hour. '

' ....ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kin-ky. '

' No problem, ' she replies cautiously, ' I can do little kin-ky. '

So off they go to the girl ' s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

' I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees. '

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

' Now you vill get on your hans und knees. '

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

' You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you. '

She finds it odd, but figures it ' s harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

' That was totally amazing, what the hell do you call that position? '

' Ah, ' says the German . . . ' zat is ze....

Four-sprung Duck technique.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There is a tribe of pygmies living on the plains in Africa. The plains are covered in tall grass and to ascertain their location they have to jump and down to see above the grass. They are known as the Wherethefuckarewe tribe.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do you call a gay dinosaur???

a megasoreass

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy goes into a bar and orders tre pints of Guinness, sits down and has a drink out of every glass.

When finished he goes back to the bar and orders another 3 the barman explains he should only buy 1 at a time as they will be fresher.

Paddy explains that he has a brother in the USA and one in Oz and when they went there separate ways this is the way they would drink to remind them of what it was like when they were together.

This went on for months and then one day he went into the bar and ordered 2 pints there was an earie silence and the barman offered his condolences.

Paddy thought about it and said Oh its not what you think the Brothers are fine its me!!!!

Iv'e Stopped Drinkin

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

CHINESE: Me not come to work, me sick

BOSS: When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it

LATER CHINESE CALLED BACK: It worked. Me better. You have nice home

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Loooooong joke... Shortened.

Wishy, Mushy and Eurotongue... Intrepid explorers of the desert, discover a pyramid. Inside is a solid gold statue of a stunningly beautiful, naked goddess, 20 feet high. In her navel is a diamond the size of a basket ball and on the ground is a sign which reads...

"Whosoever desires this diamond... Must first satisfy the desires of the goddess..."

The three intrepid explorers leave, set up camp and discuss tactics.

Next day Wishy returns, alone... He is married to a goddess... This should be easy...

Minutes later he runs back to camp. "Dont go in there... It cant be done!!"

Mushy, who hasnt had any for a while, scoffs at failure and sets forth...

An hour or so later he returns to camp sweating, red in the face and gasping for air...

"Not...po...possible..." and faints...

Euro looks at the collapsed heap of Mushy, the anxious Wishy and with a crisp snap to attention and salute... sets off, with the immortal words... "For Dorises everywhere!!"

Hours pass... No signs of Euro...

A day.. Two.. The others are concerned...

After a week... even the Pussy Posse are whispering nervously around the forums....

After three weeks... Maddie is thinking of postponing the Beach Party... Soapy and Fmuma call a temporary domestics ceasefire... and Femme is sat in a darkenned corner of Chams worriedly chewing a flip flop...

A month has passed and Euro is feared dead... Wishy and Mushy are getting ready to go home... when... without a care in the world, fresh as the proverbial daisy and with the diamond under his arm...

Our hero returned....

All of which goes to prove that Eurotongue really is...

... an idol f*cker!!

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By *obbytupperMan over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

Bravo Bravo Encore!!!

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By *razydriver8Couple over a year ago

plymouth

ha ha ha ha ha eh ehe h hhh ( draws breath) ha ha he he he he he he ehahhhhh ,,,,, hee heee haaaaaa ohh thats a cracker ET.. " wipes tears from her eye and wipes the keyboard clean of spit out coffee"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

Don't want them knowing my real name do I?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

He said to me.....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him......You wear pants don't you?

He said to me.............Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him.. That's a good idea - you stand at the kitchen sink while I sit on the sofa and fart

He said to me....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me......Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him....They don't have time.

He said to me..How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him....I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?

I said to him...They already have boyfriends.

He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him....A widow.

He said to me....Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him.....Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A book just landed on my head.

I only have myshelf to blame.

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By *razydriver8Couple over a year ago

plymouth

Police officers George and Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time when Mary said, "Damn, I waas running late this morning after my workout and shower and I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

"We don't have to go back," George replied. "Just give the dog one sniff of your pussy, and he'll go fetch them for you."

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, Fido took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the captain's balls in his mouth!

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By *razydriver8Couple over a year ago

plymouth

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 women sitting in a bar and they are both looking at a good looking man from across the room, "I wonder if he is a ventriquist" one asks her friend... I'm not sure the other replys why is that? Well she says "I would like him to put his hand up my skirt and make my lips move"

hehehe

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

After a visit to a whore house, a man notices little green lumps on his penis. Off he goes to see his doctor. "That's serious," said the doctor. "You know how wrestlers' get cauliflower ears?, well you've got brothel sprouts!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll suck my cock. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call then.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

After sex with my new girlfriend she snuggled up to me and said,

"You are by far the biggest I've ever had!"

Apparently "ditto" is not the correct response.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

scientists have found that many women develop "hoover disease" after yrs of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise but dont suck anymore

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I shoved some grapes up my girlfriends arse during sex last night.

She didn't say anything, just let out a little wine ....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I caught my seven year-old son about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard.

I said, "Oi, I wouldn't do that if I was you"

He said, "No, but you'd put your cock in Auntie Sarahs arse while Mum was at work"

I said, "There's some chocolate ones in the fridge"

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By *thwalescplCouple over a year ago

brecon

A little eskimo boy is whining all the time about wanting a kayak, so he can go fishing on the sea with his dad, but, as he doesnt like the cold, his mum keeps telling him no.

He whines and bitches, and in the end his parents give up and buy him a super-duper modern kayak.

Excited, the boys asks his dad to take him fishing the next day, and, reluctantly, as he knows the boy will whine about the cold, the dad agrees.

Little do they know, the little boy has a plan.

So, the morning dawns, and off go dad and son.

Sure enough, soon the boy mentions that it is cold out on the waves, but then he surprises his dad by saying that, rather than complain about it, he will paddle around until he is warm.

So, off he goes, around the iceberg.

Suddenly, Mr. Eskimo hears his son calling for help, but by the time he gets to him, its to late, the kayak has sunk and the boy drowns in the bitterly cold water.

At the inquest, it was found that the boy lit a fire in his canoe to generate some heat, not realising that modern canoes are made of plastic!!!

Which just goes to show...

... you cant have your kayak and heat it!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and what they mean - men take note!)

10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

David Attenbrough is walking through the jungle when he comes to a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is a dead elephant with a Pygmy stood on top of it. So David goes over to the Pygmy and asks "did you kill the elephant" the Pygmy says "yes", so David asks "how did you kill it?", the Pygmy replies "I beat it to death with my club" David surprised says "that must be a big club", "there's about 150 of us" the Pygmy says

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do you call a Majestrate with no bollocks?

Justice Prick

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An apple a day keeps the doctor away so they say. My doctors a Muslim so I find bacon works better

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was talking to my granddad about the ressesion and he said that He thinks it's going to be like the great depression all over again

Tell me something I don't know granddad I said

You know your nan can take my whole fist up her arse, he said

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two blokes in a pub chatting.

1st bloke "we're still at it like rabbits most nights!"

2nd bloke says "Huh...I only give it to her once a month! I call it Bruce Lee night."

1st bloke asks "why's that then?"

2nd bloke replies "Enter the Fuckin Dragon!!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Mrs has just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers, on the front it says "I will do anything for love" but on the back it says "But I won't do that"

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By *ushroom7 OP Man over a year ago

Bradford

Two out of three ain't bad.

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By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

"scientists have found that many women develop "hoover disease" after yrs of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise but dont suck anymore"

Luv it, Lol Lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bravo Bravo Encore!!!

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By *ushroom7 OP Man over a year ago

Bradford

"Bravo Bravo Encore!!!

And whilst yer on here, the "Mushy faints" bit, how come you know i ain't enough blood for both my brain and my hard on?

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By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

..Two old ladies sat on a park bench when a streaker runs past,

one had a stroke,

the other could not reach.

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By *axodiscoCouple over a year ago

poole

Paddy visits his wife in maternity who has just delivered triplets. How the fook did that happen he asks her. Well she says do you remember that night i was dry down there we had no lube so used that 3 in 1 oil. Shit says paddy thank fuck we didnt use WD40!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bravo Bravo Encore!!!

And whilst yer on here, the "Mushy faints" bit, how come you know i ain't enough blood for both my brain and my hard on?"

Coz few men could have enough blood to feed a brain And hardon the size of your reputation...;-);-);-)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Dwarf with a lithp wants to buy a horse, a mare.

He goes to a stables, owner takes him to the horses, sees one he likes, "oo nithe horth", "can i thee her teeth?" man lifts him up to horses mouth,"mmm nithe teeth". "Can i thee her eyeths",lifts dawrf up to horses eyes,"mm nithe eyeth".

"Can i thee her twot", man lifts him up and sticks him up horses pussy,when he pulls him out, dwarf looks miffed.

Dwarf says "no!!, can i thee her wun awound a bit"!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got the mother-in-law some crotchless knickers for her birthday. They weren't for anything sexual, I just thought they'd give her a better grip on her broomstick.

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By *aravancoupleMan over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

SAD NEWS...

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A bloke meets up with his mate for a drink and at 11pm he says "I have got to go now or the wife will kill me"

His mate says "youre joking , youre doing it all wrong mate, what you do is climb the stairs quietly and sneak up under the duvet and give the wife the best oral sex she's ever had and she wont care what the time is"

So the bloke carries on drinking with his mate!

At 3 am the bloke staggers off home, climbs up the stairs, slips under the duvet and gives her the best oral he can muster!

He climbs out of bed busting for a pee and goes into the toilet where his wife is sitting on the loo.

He looks at his wife in shock as she says "sssssshhhhhh!

you will wake my mum up, she paid a surprise visit and I put her up in our bed..."

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By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

...My mate's wife bought a dildo shaped like a carrot

the other day!

He said it's ironic really as her fanny looks like a fucking donkey yawning!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tommy's sitting in the back of the class. The teacher says, "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?"

Tommy says, "f I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise will make them all fly off."

"No, there will be two left, but I like the way you're thinking," says the teacher.

"I've got a question for you, then," says Tommy. Three women come out of an ice-cream shop. One is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher is a little taken back by the question ans ays, "Well, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Tommy replies, "No, the one who has a wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

Japanese scientists have developed a camera with the worlds fastest lens shutter speed.

Apparently it's so fast it can photograph a woman with her mouth closed.

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By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

i was raped by two mime artists yesterday,they did unspeakable things to me!

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By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

A parachutist is plummeting to earth caught up in his failed chute. He meets 5people coming up past him,he yells "Hey, do you know anything about opening a parachute?"

They reply "Fuck all mate,do you know anything about distilling vodka?"

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By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

Ryan Giggs wife has divorced him and ended up with half of everything.

She now has 6 more league winners medals than Stevie Gerrard

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By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

What do you call an immigrant straight off he boat?

Amhere!

What do you call the 2nd immigrant off the boat?

Amhere Azwel!

What do you call the 3rd immigrant off the boat?

Amhere Azwel Azim

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By *anda man.Man over a year ago

Stockport

14 year old Catholic boy walks through his front door to find his irrate Father stood there.

" Into the parlour with you young man- where the hell have you been til this time-it's the third time you've been late home this week?"

"Well Dad, i won't lie to you! I've been having sex with my teacher"

Father is a little taken aback,but recovers with an understanding smile saying "Look Son,nothing wrong with a young lad sowing a few wild oats;I'll smooth your Mother over and we'll keep this to ourselves:now sit down and have your dinner"

"Thanks Dad,but i can't-my arse is to sore"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do you know that it was the council that made women not god? who els would build a plesure complex next to a shit hole

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By *mumaWoman over a year ago

Livingston

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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By *andnlancsCouple over a year ago

North

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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By *andnlancsCouple over a year ago

North

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

BREAKING NEWS. ..Elton john will sing a beautiful rendition of the song "candle under the spoon" at the funeral of Amy Winehouse

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"BREAKING NEWS. ..Elton john will sing a beautiful rendition of the song "candle under the spoon" at the funeral of Amy Winehouse"

That made me chuckle.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Aye xx

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By *uckscouple2007Couple over a year ago

Bucks

Rupert Murdoch says he is touched by the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook

his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary

disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why dont chinese people do phone call's

Beacause theres too many wing's and too many wong's, and they might wing, the wong number.

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

"why dont chinese people do phone call's

Beacause theres too many wing's and too many wong's, and they might wing, the wong number."

Crumbs haven't heard that for YEARSSSSSSSSSS. Still made me laugh tho

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had a cheeky wank in a public toilet earlier.

Everyone sort of heard what I was doing, I still had my one man band instruments on.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Guy walks into a tattoo studio and asks the tatooist if he could do him a tattoo of the most beautiful woman in the world

"sure" said the tattooist "where would you like it?"

"on my wifes face" replies the man

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If Adam had an Adam's apple, what did Eve have?

A huge pear.

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By *ashful BazMan over a year ago

poole dorset

"A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook

his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary

disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

I love this one, Thanks for posting.

Lol

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