FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Cheating Justification

Cheating Justification

By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

I know this is a contentious issue and features almost daily with catastrophic outcomes. This thread isn't about your opinion on cheaters, I think us cheaters are drowning in those. We all have our reasons for cheating, which can be quite complexed. What I'm wanting to know is:-

Why you cheat?

Why you don't end the relationship?

Do you feel any guilt and if so how do you deal with it?

I'm interested because this is seen as a black and white issue for most, but it rarely is for those cheating. I respect the views of those who are appalled by it or who have been hurt by cheating in the past. Your opinions/comments positive and negative on what cheaters have posted will be interesting to see. Maybe this will give everyone some insight into a cheater's daily struggle

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted"

That's helpful

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

"It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted

That's helpful

Yes but that's how he feels and I'm sure he has his reasons nice if he'd share them

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By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

If you look at my threads on sexless relationships it's quite telling

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Your certainly stick your head above the parapet again!

You're going to get all perspectives in here, and everyone forgets that what ever people do in life, it's invariably a choice. Not many of us are under duress when we make any choice in life.

One thing I've learnt in life, is that the truth sets you free. I get all the reasons and how things happen...I've been there. Every decision has a consequence. Be careful that you can live with that consequence, because it's not always the being found out that's the bad bit. Sometimes it's the living a lie and not changing it. That's a life sentence.

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

"If you look at my threads on sexless relationships it's quite telling

Yes think I've commented on them and they certainly are telling

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I know this is a contentious issue and features almost daily with catastrophic outcomes. This thread isn't about your opinion on cheaters, I think us cheaters are drowning in those. We all have our reasons for cheating, which can be quite complexed. What I'm wanting to know is:-

Why you cheat?

Why you don't end the relationship?

Do you feel any guilt and if so how do you deal with it?

I cheat for a number of reasons. Although we do have sex and it is mostly amazing, It is always me that initiates it, if I didn't it would never happen. Occasionly we have sex and can tell she is doing it because she feels she has to, this kind of kills it for me and I don't like it. It's quite tiring and disheartening being the only one who has any drive in this area, add to this she doesn't really show me any affection I feel pretty unwanted at times. Cheating fills almost all these gaps, someone wants me, lots of kissing etc. I'm a happier person because of it.

I will never leave her, despite cheating I do love her massively.

No guilt, there is no emotion involved and it is just sex for me and that feeling that some one actually wants me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

Exactly this. I cheated on my husband and we split up. Tough going but far better in the long run. Whilst my boys will always come first, I'd much rather me and my ex were happy than being miserable and the boys seeing that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

Good point and I agree maybe it's not ideal, but they aren't going to see that if we split up either and their lives will be disrupted also. Their emotional wellbeing is always at the forefront of my mind.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I cheated cos I was past caring and I used fab as an escape route cos I wasn't brave enogh to jump myself.

I'm glad I did because I life has changed a million times over and all for the best. Plus my daughters are happy now. My ex is also happier now and we get on well again.

So all in all cheating and finding fab was the best thing I could of done.

PTU xxx.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted

That's helpful

Yes but that's how he feels and I'm sure he has his reasons nice if he'd share them

Ok let me be frank,everybody deserves a sexlife,we are only on this planet once if you can cope with the guilt then thats fine go for it i say,but if he finds out thats when you will find how much you love him

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By *yldstyleWoman over a year ago

A world of my own

From the other side of cheating is the other person. Please don't let them fall if you have no intention or ability to catch them

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

I will never leave her, despite cheating I do love her massively.

No guilt, there is no emotion involved and it is just sex for me and that feeling that some one actually wants me."

Maybe she scared of showing you affection incase you think it's a sign she wants sex,so doesn't reach out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

From my experience, the boys were 5 when we split and they coped remarkably well. They also coped with a move three hours away from their dad. Yes we have ups and downs with that but honestly, all 4 of us got through it far better than expected. Me and their dad get on well, they know that we back each other up with decisions in relation to them. I think that actually they are well adjusted boys, well apart from typical 7 yr old boy stuff!

Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for, and they will be more aware of your situation than you think.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"From the other side of cheating is the other person. Please don't let them fall if you have no intention or ability to catch them"

Ohhh i like that

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I will never leave her, despite cheating I do love her massively.

No guilt, there is no emotion involved and it is just sex for me and that feeling that some one actually wants me.

Maybe she scared of showing you affection incase you think it's a sign she wants sex,so doesn't reach out."

Nope, we've talked about this loads of times, lost count.

I just want to feel wanted, not even about the sex really. Random hugs and kisses when you don't expect them are great, makes you feel awesome. I want her to want me the way I want her.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Although to be honest I don't have the largest sex drive in the world I still want the intimacy and warmth of sleeping together, which is currently completely missing. Separate bedrooms didn't help but when someone snores worse than a "pissed up navvy" it was a must. Unfortunately the need or understanding for intimacy wasn't also shared so one of the mechanisms for defusing life's stresses and frustrations went south which meant stupid arguments become International Crisis'. Yes, I've forgotten the number of times that I've told her what importance I place upon intimacy.

Although in my defence I haven't actually being unfaithful on any physical level whatsoever.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us "

There's a vast difference between living with someone who is toxic i.e. an abusive relationship than living with someone who okay you may not be in love anymore but can remain civil & functional as a whole family unit.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

I will never leave her, despite cheating I do love her massively.

No guilt, there is no emotion involved and it is just sex for me and that feeling that some one actually wants me.

Maybe she scared of showing you affection incase you think it's a sign she wants sex,so doesn't reach out.

Nope, we've talked about this loads of times, lost count.

I just want to feel wanted, not even about the sex really. Random hugs and kisses when you don't expect them are great, makes you feel awesome. I want her to want me the way I want her."

Yep it's not easy,we humans are complicated creature's. The world would be an easier place without desires and emotions.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

" Your certainly stick your head above the parapet again!

You're going to get all perspectives in here, and everyone forgets that what ever people do in life, it's invariably a choice. Not many of us are under duress when we make any choice in life.

Well said. People fear truth, but it does set you free.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us

yes I agree

Everyone's circumstances are different

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

And this is why muself and my ex split. I thought our relationship was ok and we were still having sex but he was checking out women on dating sites and contacting them.

I decided enough was enough and split with him. I was not going to put myself through the misery of spending time with someone who clearly didn't love me, that i couldn't trust and who had written his then 2 year old child out of his life (his profile said single, no kids).

2 weeks later i discovered i was pregnant with his second child who then went on to label a cunt.

So i think i did the right thing.

We have an amicable relationship now, he has a new woman and he sees the kids when it suits his other life. I'm happier not been treated like shit and the kids are ignorant as to what their dad is really like because i'm not sat crying over what a dick he is.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"From the other side of cheating is the other person. Please don't let them fall if you have no intention or ability to catch them"

I like the way you describe that.

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

As someone that was a child in this situation it's not great, dealing with the eventual split is far easier than living with those hidden resentments that mum and dad don't think they're showing but actually are. If your sleeping in spectate rooms the kids already know it's over

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

And this is why muself and my ex split. I thought our relationship was ok and we were still having sex but he was checking out women on dating sites and contacting them.

2 weeks later i discovered i was pregnant with his second child who then went on to label a cunt.

So i think i did the right thing.

That's terribly sad,but it sounds like your children have a great mum!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I cheated because physically I needed something much more than what I was getting. I stayed because years of emotional abuse and manipulation make you feel that you have to. Two kids, teenagers, one desperate for the family unit regardless of how toxic, the other desperate for me to leave and stop letting it happen to us. I had tried to end it many times but his control made me go back. Even after finally leaving it took years of crap from him to stop. It seems so easy for those of you who haven't had to cheat to be judgemental. Perhaps instead you could be bothered to look past the moral high ground. I dont think many people cheat just because they can. P.S. Happy now and better and stronger for it

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

*seperate

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

**This post contains no judgement at all**

When I found myself in a similar situation I split with him, for the kids. I didn't want my kids to grow up seeing what me and their fathers relationship was and thinking that was 'normal' or what they should aspire to x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was in an abusive relationship where he cheated on me throughout our marriage. He paraded a lot of the women quite openly in front of me, I stayed until the last one who was a young girl just a year older than our eldest son.

I think I just snapped at that point, it broke me for a week but I then realised I was free and happier in a way. He didn't show me affection for years, yes sex was still involved but I didn't initiate it, he just took what he wanted when and how he wanted. If the opportunity to cheat had come up yes I probably would have done, not for the sex but the feeling of being wanted and the intimacy. So while it's awful being the one who's being cheated on I don't judge because none of us know what's going on behind closed doors. All my friends were very shocked over my marriage break up as we came across as the perfect couple.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted"

This^

So full of empathy and nuance

Well done

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I cheated because physically I needed something much more than what I was getting. I stayed because years of emotional abuse and manipulation make you feel that you have to. Two kids, teenagers, one desperate for the family unit regardless of how toxic, the other desperate for me to leave and stop letting it happen to us. I had tried to end it many times but his control made me go back. Even after finally leaving it took years of crap from him to stop. It seems so easy for those of you who haven't had to cheat to be judgemental. Perhaps instead you could be bothered to look past the moral high ground. I dont think many people cheat just because they can. P.S. Happy now and better and stronger for it

Do people have to cheat though? I know people can try and justify their reason's,but I don't know if someone has to exactly!

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Yes. I was in a sexless relationship, but I never cheated - my solution was to tenaciously try to address the issues at the root of it with my partner.

That's the bit I don't get - if someone is my soul mate, my life partner - how could I not face whatever needed facing together? As soon as I do something unilaterally and deceive, the contract is broken, and all freedom is lost. The truth is the only place of rest.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

**This post contains no judgement at all**

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us

Very true. It seems that the label cheat is used quite frequently here as the ultimate put down and slur. We seem very selective in our judgements.

If we want to pass judgement, then let's perhaps have a level playing field? How many thieves have a profile in here? Any drug users? Victimless crime? I think not given the knick on effect. Emotional bullies or racist anyone? How about the speeder happy that their need to poodle along is greater than the life of a child who runs out?

All rather extreme analogies, but the human psyche is complex and profound and we all do things which effect others.

I'm not here to judge others activity. I have a choice to either walk away or act with knowledge.

Cheaters? No. Human beings making choices. Not always the right one, but if you've never made a poor choice then feel free to cast the stone. I wouldn't bother throwing it though...you probably lied to yourself.

Everyone deserves happiness. Just seek true happiness not superficial.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do you need to justify it to anyone?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do people have to cheat though? I know people can try and justify their reason's,but I don't know if someone has to exactly!"

I knew that would be the one word of all I said that was picked up on. I rest my case re the moral high ground. Did I have to. No. But was it one way of seeking some solace for my own sanity, yes.

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

"Why do you need to justify it to anyone?

Nobody does but barriers cause conflict, knowledge and understanding removes them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why do you need to justify it to anyone?

Nobody does but barriers cause conflict, knowledge and understanding removes them

Or so you would hope x

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

"Why do you need to justify it to anyone?

Nobody does but barriers cause conflict, knowledge and understanding removes them

Or so you would hope x"

I can but try

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

That's the big question. Just face it tell them the truth, divorce and live a true life without your so called daily struggle

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just to play devil's advocate... Cheaters, and those who complain about cheaters, often have the same negative rationales; I cheated because xyz wasn't right etc. The real problem, however, is monogamy. All the couples on this site are struggling with the fact that they are attracted to others and get a kick out of being unfaithful (what do you think reclaim sex is all about). Swinging is an attempt to explore and hopefully sidetrack that impulse into some harmless fun you can both have together. But the idea of meeting privately and having amazing naughty sex with someone still haunts many of us.

I wanted to post this because non cheaters rarely confess that the attraction of one on one private meets is very compelling. They make cheaters feel there's something wrong with them. Instead, I feel it's entirely understandable that they were lured into cheating... it's a very intoxicating proposition. The real problem is that they didn't share these feelings of temptation with their partner and try to find a harmless way to explore them or that, having done the deed, they didn't immediately confess and find their partner willing to work things out. In a sense all we swingers could have cheated but we chose instead to bring our partners in on our temptations and fantasies and, to our surprise and good luck, found they either shared them or were open to exploring them.

Don't get me wrong, we've never cheated and hopefully never will. But I do feel us swingers should be a little more honest and less holier than thou with cheaters. The forbidden _ruit they gorged on is on our lips too. It is utterly intoxicating. We share this. What we don't share is how we dealt with it. Swingers chose communication, cheaters chose lies

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

Do people have to cheat though? I know people can try and justify their reason's,but I don't know if someone has to exactly!

I knew that would be the one word of all I said that was picked up on. I rest my case re the moral high ground. Did I have to. No. But was it one way of seeking some solace for my own sanity, yes. "

Please don't go on the defensive and no I'm not on the moral high ground,I was merely putting a point forward. However I can see this is something that you have to deal with so I'll leave you to it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have done in the past and ive never forgiven myself but it was my way of coping with a lot of issues i was having and she couldnt help me with.

PS we are still really good friends just better off that way than in a relationship

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Just to play devil's advocate... Cheaters, and those who complain about cheaters, often have the same negative rationales; I cheated because xyz wasn't right etc. The real problem, however, is monogamy. All the couples on this site are struggling with the fact that they are attracted to others and get a kick out of being unfaithful (what do you think reclaim sex is all about). Swinging is an attempt to explore and hopefully sidetrack that impulse into some harmless fun you can both have together. But the idea of meeting privately and having amazing naughty sex with someone still haunts many of us.

Some really interesting issues and valid points.

However do you think it's always sexual/physical attraction.

Some are involved in relationships lacking love and attention and simply yearn that as opposed to the wandering eye.

I bet you a lot of people "cheating" go through initial contact and flirting then get cold feet at the last moment on this site? Maybe that realisation, prompts them to seek a more final resolution to the issue?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I loved it when an ex did a big search through my phone, diary, work bag, wallet etc looking for evidence I was cheating, found nothing.

She wouldn't let me look at her phone though.

Funny that

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"I loved it when an ex did a big search through my phone, diary, work bag, wallet etc looking for evidence I was cheating, found nothing.

She wouldn't let me look at her phone though.

Funny that "

Sounds like my ex

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A thread full of reasons why I don't want a relationship

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I loved it when an ex did a big search through my phone, diary, work bag, wallet etc looking for evidence I was cheating, found nothing.

She wouldn't let me look at her phone though.

Funny that

Sounds like my ex "

Funnily enough I hadn't done anything, she either had or was looking for an excuse to break up so I moved out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't disagree with some of what you say. But I never set out not to be monogamous, but I do feel now I know myself better that this is a preferred lifestyle and I am blessed to have someone amazing to share it with. But I never once got a kick out of cheating.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If you look at my threads on sexless relationships it's quite telling

They were great threads.

This one too OP.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex husband cheated on me whilst we had to live apart for work, i wanted to cheat on him so badly to get back at him but i couldnt do it i just ended the marriage even though it left me fucked financially it was better that than stay...

He lost all my trust when he cheated, he also gave me an std from whomever he was with which as i didnt know he cheated until i started after symptoms of PID which damaged my fallopian tubes so when I did get pregnant it was ectopic, tube burst and i nearly died... for that I will hate him forever, yes the ectopic could have been for other reasons but in my heart i know it was all the damage from PID, now I am too scared to ever try and get pregnant again which has done a lot of negative to me dating as so many guys do want a family & wont adopt.

With kids I know its hard to walk way and can see the effect as my brother cheated and then his partner kicked him out but he now has a new partner and his ex found the love of her life and has married him which is giving my nephews a much more stable and happy environment

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By *yldstyleWoman over a year ago

A world of my own

"From the other side of cheating is the other person. Please don't let them fall if you have no intention or ability to catch them

I like the way you describe that."

Years of heartache has taught me that. Its also showed me that in such situations there is no black and white. Its usually far more complicated for all parties involved. Also that quite often the other woman cares far more for the two people in the relationships feelings that she sacrifices her own.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cheating sounds like the easy way out

If something isn't working try to fix it. If you can't fix it try an amicable split

Kids are really really smart at all ages. And you won't be able to bullshit them no matter how much you think they may be unawares

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

I wonder if it was possible to look into the future and for those that are contemplating cheating to see the devastation it courses whether they would still do it.

...and yes I'm aware there's not alway's devastation.

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By *ranimallxl5Man over a year ago

Winchester

I cheat as my brother is a bad winner at monopoly

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By *eanut Butter CupWoman over a year ago

B & M Bargains

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

I want to add to this but this is an open forum so I'll just say I struggle with being affectionate in a relationship and I know where that stems from.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Some cheat because when they get married they know when they divorce they will get more things. I have seen few celeb couples where the woman claims the whole estate and he dont get anything.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Some cheat because when they get married they know when they divorce they will get more things. I have seen few celeb couples where the woman claims the whole estate and he dont get anything."

Utter bollox.

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By *ink Panther. OP Woman over a year ago

Preston

"Some cheat because when they get married they know when they divorce they will get more things. I have seen few celeb couples where the woman claims the whole estate and he dont get anything."

Think it's safe to assume that isn't applicable here

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted

That's helpful

Yes but that's how he feels and I'm sure he has his reasons nice if he'd share them

I personally don't have any problem with people who are here without a partners knowledge. We don't knowingly meet them but that's our choice.

What I do have a problem with is that on every thread ever started like this we only ever get one side of the story. In the sexless marriage thread we couldn't hear from the partner who was denying/unable to have sex. In this thread the unwitting partner will never appear to counter the reasons being given.

It's a never ending circle that will never be broken I guess.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

ive never cheated but have been with people who have - our own choices - as for staying for the children - children ultimately want their parents to be happy - when they are older they may wish you hadnt stayed in an unhappy place just for us - i know my eldest was telling me for 2 years to get away from their dad - different reasons but all he wanted was me happy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Some really interesting issues and valid points.

However do you think it's always sexual/physical attraction"

I was just making a very narrow point which is, to use an analogy, when their partner threatens to leave them alone in a room with a delicious slice of chocolate cake the swinger warns "you do know I'm likely to eat it?" so the partner stays and they eat it together, whilst the cheat says "don't worry I'll be fine" and then pigs it all the minute their partner's gone.

Afterwards cheaters always run off a barrage of excuses. I ate it because I was hungry, I thought you were away eating another slice of cake so I ate it, you left me alone with the cake so what did you expect. In reality there's only two pertinent questions...

Why did you eat the cake? To which we all know the answer... because it was bloomin gorgeous chocolate cake. This was the narrow point my previous post was acknowledging. It's totally understandable that they were tempted. So it really just comes down to that one other question...

Why did you lie?

Why did you lie? That's the only thing this whole thread should be about and the answer to that has nothing to do with kids or sexless relationships or any of the other issues

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't like the idea of cheating. But I'm not stupid enough to ignore the fact that not everyone is as fortunate as me.

I think it is too easy to judge others before we really understand what they are feeling in their own lives.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cheating sounds like the easy way out

If something isn't working try to fix it. If you can't fix it try an amicable split

Kids are really really smart at all ages. And you won't be able to bullshit them no matter how much you think they may be unawares "

It totally is. For me, cheating gave me a reason to say to my husband that me cheating meant we shouldn't be together rather than having a frank discussion about my level of resentment towards him and his attitude to lots of stuff. I've learnt a lot about myself in the past two years. I've seen him change massively and if he had made those changes when we were married, things may have been different.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Some cheat because when they get married they know when they divorce they will get more things. I have seen few celeb couples where the woman claims the whole estate and he dont get anything.

Think it's safe to assume that isn't applicable here

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By *MaleMan over a year ago

Various reasons for cheaters.

One usually common thing though. When it happens to them, they're f00ked. Amazingly incapable of handling the same treatment they casually gift others

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"Various reasons for cheaters.

One usually common thing though. When it happens to them, they're f00ked. Amazingly incapable of handling the same treatment they casually gift others

Yes thats very often the case. In this instandance what's good for the host isn't for the gander.

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"Various reasons for cheaters.

One usually common thing though. When it happens to them, they're f00ked. Amazingly incapable of handling the same treatment they casually gift others

Yes thats very often the case. In this instandance what's good for the host isn't for the gander. "

*instance

And goose Not host

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By *arry247Couple over a year ago

Wakefield

" Just to play devil's advocate... Cheaters, and those who complain about cheaters, often have the same negative rationales; I cheated because xyz wasn't right etc. The real problem, however, is monogamy. All the couples on this site are struggling with the fact that they are attracted to others and get a kick out of being unfaithful (what do you think reclaim sex is all about). Swinging is an attempt to explore and hopefully sidetrack that impulse into some harmless fun you can both have together. But the idea of meeting privately and having amazing naughty sex with someone still haunts many of us. "

We don’t struggle with the fact we are attracted to others, that is not one of the reasons we swing. We swing simply because we both enjoy sex, we don’t have to be attracted to the other person but obviously we do not want to be repulsed by them either.

In a similar manner we are never unfaithful to each other as everything we do is through mutual consent

" I wanted to post this because non cheaters rarely confess that the attraction of one on one private meets is very compelling. They make cheaters feel there's something wrong with them. Instead, I feel it's entirely understandable that they were lured into cheating... it's a very intoxicating proposition. The real problem is that they didn't share these feelings of temptation with their partner and try to find a harmless way to explore them or that, having done the deed, they didn't immediately confess and find their partner willing to work things out. In a sense all we swingers could have cheated but we chose instead to bring our partners in on our temptations and fantasies and, to our surprise and good luck, found they either shared them or were open to exploring them. "

That may be what happened to you but it is certainly not what happened to us. We as a married couple act as single unit, we decide what we both want and then proceed accordingly. We do not operate as two individuals joined by a written contract but as one entity, so none of your theories carry weight with us, sorry.

"Don't get me wrong, we've never cheated and hopefully never will. But I do feel us swingers should be a little more honest and less holier than thou with cheaters. The forbidden _ruit they gorged on is on our lips too. It is utterly intoxicating. We share this. What we don't share is how we dealt with it. Swingers chose communication, cheaters chose lies"

We are complicit in the “guilt” by the fact we meet married people without asking if they have their spouse’s permission but that is not part of the enjoyment or thrill of meeting.

We don’t claim to understand why someone cheats on their partner, even though we have possibly heard all the excuses, but they are just that excuses. If a person truly loves another they would not cheat on them as that would cause hurt and love does not involve hurt.

But by the same token we do not judge them as that would open us to be judged by others.

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

Excellent post

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Various reasons for cheaters.

One usually common thing though. When it happens to them, they're f00ked. Amazingly incapable of handling the same treatment they casually gift others

How do you come to such conclusion, I assume from personal experience...?

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By *rumph650Man over a year ago

Cardiff

I'm sorry but people's fab life and real world life are two separate entities, if a married or attached person likes to meet up with strangers for nsa sex that's their business. It doesn't mean they think any less of their partner and fat better that they indulge their pleasures in this life than a potentially complicated affair.

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

"I'm sorry but people's fab life and real world life are two separate entities, if a married or attached person likes to meet up with strangers for nsa sex that's their business. It doesn't mean they think any less of their partner and fat better that they indulge their pleasures in this life than a potentially complicated affair. "

Problem is when it becomes more than nsa sex , or a nasty little disease is spread to an innocent party . It's rarely that simple

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In my first marriage i cheated because after years and years of emotional abuse and having very low self esteem and constantly being told i was odd for wanting sex and that i wasnt desirable i found that guys did want to have sex with me.

It boosted my self esteem and made me feel better about myself

We had children and a mortgage and i didnt earn much so for years i didnt leave because i didnt know how i would cope finacially. Plus my ex told me i wouldnt cope finacially.

I did leave eventually and life is wonderful now and g is great

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them "

it's alway's the same. The cheater's are saying don't judge me you don't know my reasons,but when somone doesn't agree with their reason's when the tell them they pull out the 'moral police judgey judgey' crap.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It doesnt have to be a daily struggle,just dont cheat and the struggle has ended......sorted

That's helpful

Yes but that's how he feels and I'm sure he has his reasons nice if he'd share them

I personally don't have any problem with people who are here without a partners knowledge. We don't knowingly meet them but that's our choice.

It's a never ending circle that will never be broken I guess."

Very true. I'm certainly capable of empathising and seeing shades of grey, but I'm not that interested in people's motivations for what they do.

People make assumptions as to why we don't meet 'cheaters' but they get it wrong. As others have said, you don't know what's going on in their lives.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Problem is when it becomes more than nsa sex , or a nasty little disease is spread to an innocent party . It's rarely that simple "

I hadnt had sex with my ex for many years and i practised safe sex when swinging so if my ex got a std he got it from someone else.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Some really interesting issues and valid points.

Why did you lie?

Why did you lie? That's the only thing this whole thread should be about and the answer to that has nothing to do with kids or sexless relationships or any of the other issues "

I'll answer this as I think it's safe to say you'll never see me justifying the reasons why I am here.

Ultimately, because I want to & I can.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

Probably because some will pounce on the reasons given & starting quoting the "I have morals crap.."

I don't give a crap who judges me as I judge the hell out of some people on here.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

Probably because some will pounce on the reasons given & starting quoting the "I have morals crap.."

I don't give a crap who judges me as I judge the hell out of some people on here.

It's human nature,we all do it to some extent.

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By *entleman of GirthMan over a year ago

Forest Row

You do what you feel is right for you. You don't need anyone else's approval, what you do, is your choice, and yours alone. We all deserve a little happiness in this all too short life, and that includes you.

The word cheaters is loaded with all sorts of negative connotations, and some people will use it as a stick to beat you with. It's your choice who you are intimate with, there may be consequences if you make a bad choice, some of these may not make you happy. Not having the power to make your own choices, will ultimately not make you happy. Freedom is choice, but freedom does has its own responsibilities.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I knew for several years that my parents had essentially split before they actually split up. I knew my mother was cheating on my father for those several years.

It was far more damaging for me, as a teenager, to know that my parents were deeply unhappy with each other, and that my mother was fucking younger men. It was a relief when they split up - I could get on with my life and my education without being in that toxic environment.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"You do what you feel is right for you. You don't need anyone else's approval, what you do, is your choice, and yours alone. We all deserve a little happiness in this all too short life, and that includes you.

Not even the spouses approval? Is that not the most important one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well it does mean that they think less of their partner really. It means that they have so little respect for their partner that they'd rather fuck other people than be honest and up front about their desires, and allow their partner to make the choice to stay or go.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Sometimes people condemn most harshly that which they hate most in themselves.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's not always about the sex. Wanting to feel appreciated or wanted or even just noticed can drive it.

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By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

I see a married guy and we meet maybe once a month. He's not intimate with his wife but still loves her. He enjoys meeting me and the fun we have together keeps his self esteem and confidence. I've taught him a thing or two along the way too.

There's no emotions involved, I don't want anything from him. I have been in that position of being in a sexless relationship for over a year and it isn't fun. I've been single for 12 years and can relate to the need for intimacy.

When you've been on Fab for several years you learn a lot. People have partners with all sorts of problems that mean they don't or can't have sex. We cannot judge those who come on Fab whose lives we don't live.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was with my ex for 15 years, and despite being miserable and sexless for some of it, i was faithful.

When I met my boyfriend, for the first few months I played around a bit. I know in myself i did it to create a distance between us, to keep myself "safe" from falling for him. It didn't work, i fell for him anyway. Now i love him so much I wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt him. And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes he knows i'm on here, we used to have a couples profile and meet together, but for reasons I won't go into on here, it's just me meeting now.

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By *MaleMan over a year ago

Lots of non cheaters know more about it than they technically should or could, being non cheaters

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By *inkyLondonpairCouple over a year ago

London

"Sometimes people condemn most harshly that which they hate most in themselves. "

Or Caliban seeing his face in the glass as Oscar Wilde put it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Lots of non cheaters know more about it than they technically should or could, being non cheaters

Some of us used to be cheats and then realised that we were just basically cunts who were crushing other peoples lives. That sobers you up pretty quickly.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why did you lie? That's the only thing this whole thread should be about and the answer to that has nothing to do with kids or sexless relationships or any of the other issues

Ultimately, because I want to & I can."

Well done. You're the only one brave enough to answer the question at the heart of this thread. The usual reasons for lying we've seen on other threads are...

- there's been a total breakdown in communication between us and its unrecoverable so I'm not really lying we just don't share anything about each other anymore

- he/she would automatically leave me if I suggested swinging so I've never even tried

- I don't really love him/her or they are abusive to me so I really don't mind lying to them

- I didn't plan on cheating I just suddenly did it one night and now I can't do anything but lie to my partner as he/she would be devastated if they found out

Does any of this ring true?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why did you lie? That's the only thing this whole thread should be about and the answer to that has nothing to do with kids or sexless relationships or any of the other issues

Ultimately, because I want to & I can.

Well done. You're the only one brave enough to answer the question at the heart of this thread. The usual reasons for lying we've seen on other threads are...

- there's been a total breakdown in communication between us and its unrecoverable so I'm not really lying we just don't share anything about each other anymore

- he/she would automatically leave me if I suggested swinging so I've never even tried

- I don't really love him/her or they are abusive to me so I really don't mind lying to them

- I didn't plan on cheating I just suddenly did it one night and now I can't do anything but lie to my partner as he/she would be devastated if they found out

Does any of this ring true? "

That is true in fairness. I cheated once and it led to the breakdown of my relationship.

Funnily enough I was surprised to find myself in the situation as I didn't make an effort to go looking for something extra.

You are right,I did lie to preserve things but then told them what happened.

I didn't want to lie, I didn't actually want to cheat and get away with it. I do believe given my experience, and that of people I know, that situations can escalate out of control very quickly, and that many of us could find ourselves there.

We can apply that to many aspects of life though.

You make many valid points in your debate.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

They need this:

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world? "

Perfect world! Ok I was trying to be civil,but sod it. Myself and my children are living in the aftermath of a cheating cunt,what you do has naff all to be do with me,I'm just sick of hearing the same crap being churned around.

Dare someone be so bold as to have an opinion on those that cheat,I keep it to myself/has fuck all to do with me or I'm just not that interested to be honest. Yes you can give me a million and ten reasons why do you do it I still can't agree it's acceptable.

Happy now?!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've been single for a while.

I have cheated in a relationship - and I know what it feels like to be cheated on.

It's all awful

But if I'm going to be completely honest I think I'd rather still be in my last relationship.

Life is just easier with someone else.

I feel lonely - and it's difficult financially.

I would rather be with someone I don't have sex with rather than have sex with someone I'm not with!

Sex is easy to come by - finding a person that wants to be with you isn't!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Lots of non cheaters know more about it than they technically should or could, being non cheaters

Some of us used to be cheats and then realised that we were just basically cunts who were crushing other peoples lives. That sobers you up pretty quickly."

I'm far from a cunt, such a sweeping statement.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?! "

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?!

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise."

Nor should you,I don't need anyone to explain to me it has nothing to do with me,like I say I'm not interested it's not my life.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ive hardly met any self-confessed c**TS

Just saying..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I loved it when an ex did a big search through my phone, diary, work bag, wallet etc looking for evidence I was cheating, found nothing.

She wouldn't let me look at her phone though.

Funny that

Sounds like my ex "

Mine too

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By *ruitWoman over a year ago

near kings lynn

"I loved it when an ex did a big search through my phone, diary, work bag, wallet etc looking for evidence I was cheating, found nothing.

She wouldn't let me look at her phone though.

Funny that "

My ex did that whilst he babysat for our kids whilst i went out to dance. He ended the marriage and made it quite clear the marriage was over and not eorth discussing.

I offered my phone for him to read through all my text messages but he threw a wobbly when I asked if I could see his.

He, 11 years later is still far too interested in my life sadly and has questioned our kids before about what I do.

Our eldest has nothing to do with him and youngest isnt very bothered. Luckily our kids are great kids without little effort from him.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?!

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise.

Nor should you,I don't need anyone to explain to me it has nothing to do with me,like I say I'm not interested it's not my life."

I just think it's a horrible word to describe someone, you may be sick of 'the same ole crap churning around' but you'll only ever see the situation from your own pov.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Ive hardly met any self-confessed c**TS

Just saying..

Then pass them by, it's really easy to do so.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Oh yawn!

If you're cheating stop trying to justify it.

Own everything you do.

I eat too much food - being fat is the consequence.

If you fuck someone else behind your partners back then being lying scum is the consequence.

Accept it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Oh yawn!

If you're cheating stop trying to justify it.

Own everything you do.

I eat too much food - being fat is the consequence.

If you fuck someone else behind your partners back then being lying scum is the consequence.

Accept it

Yeah whatever....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't cheat, I don't have permission to play - hate the phrase etc these words are meaning less in my marriage.

I have always been open with my husband from day one I enjoy sex, I enjoy meeting new people, what makes them tick, what can I learn from them.. Etc.

My hubby understands I'm a person within my own right, With my own needs. I'm the only one that meets in our relationship but it works very well for us, and have been together for 19 years

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?!

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise.

Nor should you,I don't need anyone to explain to me it has nothing to do with me,like I say I'm not interested it's not my life.

I just think it's a horrible word to describe someone, you may be sick of 'the same ole crap churning around' but you'll only ever see the situation from your own pov.

He was my ex I can call him what I want to,I didn't call anyone else a cheating cunt just him,there really is no need to take offence because I chose to call him that. He was a great guy up until he cheated,now he's a cheating cunt in my eyes. I'm not calling you one or anyone else on here,there really is no need to be offended on his behalf. It's just a word,I used to hate it,now I don't.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?!

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise.

Nor should you,I don't need anyone to explain to me it has nothing to do with me,like I say I'm not interested it's not my life.

I just think it's a horrible word to describe someone, you may be sick of 'the same ole crap churning around' but you'll only ever see the situation from your own pov.

I'm so not offended, it's up to you how you choose to refer to someone as.

Do you understand the reasons as to why he cheated?

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?!

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise.

Nor should you,I don't need anyone to explain to me it has nothing to do with me,like I say I'm not interested it's not my life.

I just think it's a horrible word to describe someone, you may be sick of 'the same ole crap churning around' but you'll only ever see the situation from your own pov.

I'm so not offended, it's up to you how you choose to refer to someone as.

Do you understand the reasons as to why he cheated?"

Yes

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think any of us can judge,and yes I'm married but it's easy to judge without knowing the circumstances

People will always judge others in some way or form.

Most find judging on this easy because each persons individual circumstances won't justify something deemed morally unjustified to some as they could stay in similar shit situation without straying

Most cheaters judge the "moral police" as harshly as they judge them

I wonder what it is like in your perfect world?

Happy now?!

I'm not a cunt but I'll never justify to you or anyone else why I do what I do.

I totally get some people are total cunts but that persona wears many a guise.

Nor should you,I don't need anyone to explain to me it has nothing to do with me,like I say I'm not interested it's not my life.

I just think it's a horrible word to describe someone, you may be sick of 'the same ole crap churning around' but you'll only ever see the situation from your own pov.

I'm so not offended, it's up to you how you choose to refer to someone as.

Do you understand the reasons as to why he cheated?

Yes"

Okay.

But if you state on here you're sick of the same crap I won't be tarred with the same brush, hence my response.

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By *inkyLondonpairCouple over a year ago

London

I think everyone would agree that if your sex life with your partner is unsatisfactory or if you would like to have sex with other people you should talk to your partner about it. . If you can't reach a resolution that satisfies both parties then there are two choices :

1. Split.

2. One party sacrifices their needs and desires to the other.

I appreciate some people will say they "can't" talk to their partners, but if you can't talk about what is important to you then it's a shitty relationship anyway.

At the end of the day, whatever the surrounding circumstances, people will always condemn deceit. As that is what "cheating" is, the cheaters are likely to get little sympathy.

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By *ancs MinxWoman over a year ago

Burnley

"I think everyone would agree that if your sex life with your partner is unsatisfactory or if you would like to have sex with other people you should talk to your partner about it. . If you can't reach a resolution that satisfies both parties then there are two choices :

1. Split.

2. One party sacrifices their needs and desires to the other.

I appreciate some people will say they "can't" talk to their partners, but if you can't talk about what is important to you then it's a shitty relationship anyway.

At the end of the day, whatever the surrounding circumstances, people will always condemn deceit. As that is what "cheating" is, the cheaters are likely to get little sympathy. "

Well said

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

I left rather than cheat.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one"

You remembered

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one

You remembered

I was thinking so hard where i got that from

Tell nanna thanks

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one"

My dad left when I was 6. Best thing he ever did for us. He done time for manslaughter and fathered 12 other kids from 4 different women. Stable he was not

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one

My dad left when I was 6. Best thing he ever did for us. He done time for manslaughter and fathered 12 other kids from 4 different women. Stable he was not"

On a scale I would say this was the extreme.

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By *abioMan over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

this this this..........

2 things about children they don't get credit for..

1) when it comes to thing like this, kids are a lot smarter than they tend to get credit for, they know when things are not right, then may not know how to express that... but they know...

ask any adult who was a child when there parents were together and then split...

2) kids are also a lot more resiliant than we give then credit for as well.... they would rather see a happy single parent than an unhappy married one....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one

You remembered

I was thinking so hard where i got that from

Tell nanna thanks"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cheating is wrong how over it is put arw comes about if ur in a relationship ur emotionally involved they trust u u should trust them if ur lieing to ur partner ur playin we his/her emotions to benefit yours witch is wrong and selfish if ur unhappy but love them speak to them and Iam sure they will try make you happy if ur un happy and don't love them leave x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do you need other people's approval?

They're your relationships.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've often wondered how those who cheat would feel if they found out the person they're cheating on was also cheating. Would it bother them? Would they forgive it?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

Better to come from a broken home then to live in one

My dad left when I was 6. Best thing he ever did for us. He done time for manslaughter and fathered 12 other kids from 4 different women. Stable he was not

On a scale I would say this was the extreme."

we are lucky he left. He's part of the reason why I don't judge other people in their relationships. To outsiders he was a great guy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex of 33 years did nothing but cheat, why did I stay... I wanted to keep the family unit together.

Do I wish I could have ignored it? Yes for my kids sake.

I would never cheat knowing how utterly destroyed I was.

Hey ho life goes on.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I've often wondered how those who cheat would feel if they found out the person they're cheating on was also cheating. Would it bother them? Would they forgive it? "

That's a whole lot of complicated!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've often wondered how those who cheat would feel if they found out the person they're cheating on was also cheating. Would it bother them? Would they forgive it? "

My ex was cheating and didnt care who knew. He belittled me lots and treated me badly. I wasnt bothered that he was cheating. Our relationship had failed long before then.

I didnt cheat to get back at him though. I cheated cus i wanted sex. I wanted us to split up many years before we did but it was difficult because of the emotional abuse i got from him made me feel that i wouldnt be able to cope. Plus we had a mortgage to pay and children to look after.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

1. Split.

2. One party sacrifices their needs and desires to the other.

I appreciate some people will say they "can't" talk to their partners, but if you can't talk about what is important to you then it's a shitty relationship anyway.

. "

Yes, that's my position. Deal with that first!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I cheated on my ex husband.

It wasn't about sex. It was more than that, I told my ex in the end and said I wanted a divorce.

I then lived with the man I'd cheated on him with for fourteen years in a proper relationship which ended amicably a few years ago.

My parents have slept in separate bedrooms from when my sister left home at 18 to go to university. She's 50 now.

My parents are still married, in fact they celebrated their 52nd wedding anniversary the other week.

Sex isn't always the most important thing in relationships or the reason why someone cheats.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've often wondered how those who cheat would feel if they found out the person they're cheating on was also cheating. Would it bother them? Would they forgive it? "

I would forgive depending on the reasons & who they cheated with.

If it was someone off here to satisfy carnal needs then yes, if it was a friend and meant more than no.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Can't justify it. It's wrong and I accept that.... but ultimately it is what it is

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?"

No its not. Children of all ages aren't totally silly. They can sense and feel whenever something isn't right. Why raise them in that atmosphere? I left my cheating ex (their dad) for my kids benefit. Best thing I ever did for them. They're far happier with two separate happy parents then two living together miserable parents.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I cheated on my ex husband.

It wasn't about sex. It was more than that, I told my ex in the end and said I wanted a divorce.

I then lived with the man I'd cheated on him with for fourteen years in a proper relationship which ended amicably a few years ago.

My parents have slept in separate bedrooms from when my sister left home at 18 to go to university. She's 50 now.

My parents are still married, in fact they celebrated their 52nd wedding anniversary the other week.

Sex isn't always the most important thing in relationships or the reason why someone cheats."

Can you imagine living in separate bedrooms with your husband for that long and being happy about it? Are your parents happy? I'm not nitpicking. Just genuinely curious.

An old friends parents lived like that but they were so unhappy and yet remained under the same roof.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Whenever I read a thread on this theme people seem to be less concerned about people having sex with other outside their marriage than they are with liars and deniers.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Whenever I read a thread on this theme people seem to be less concerned about people having sex with other outside their marriage than they are with liars and deniers. "

TBH I don't really get what you mean, maybe because people lie about alsorts of shit makes people concerned about that?!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Started as 'why do you do it' thread but seems to have evolved into the usual black and white.

I'd wait until the next one comes along

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Started off with a different viewpoint ended up as the same ole same ole.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Started as 'why do you do it' thread but seems to have evolved into the usual black and white.

I'd wait until the next one comes along

Omg snap!!!

But then we would wouldn't we....wink

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Started as 'why do you do it' thread but seems to have evolved into the usual black and white.

I'd wait until the next one comes along

ah thank you!

Have we done 'why don't they just get a divorce?' yet?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Started as 'why do you do it' thread but seems to have evolved into the usual black and white.

I'd wait until the next one comes along

Omg snap!!!

But then we would wouldn't we....wink "

Birds of a feather

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Same as the others previously. For a bunch of swingers they're almost as judgemental as born again christians

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Started as 'why do you do it' thread but seems to have evolved into the usual black and white.

I'd wait until the next one comes along

ah thank you!

Have we done 'why don't they just get a divorce?' yet?

Uh huh....just split why dontcha....

Scroll up babycakes

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Same as the others previously. For a bunch of swingers they're almost as judgemental as born again christians

One of my fave jokes ended as I'm a Prawn again Christian...

*I'll get my coat*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Cool, a cheaters thread!

Worth reading or is the synopsis the same as all the others?

Same as the others previously. For a bunch of swingers they're almost as judgemental as born again christians

One of my fave jokes ended as I'm a Prawn again Christian...

*I'll get my coat*

*heads for google*

*has a look*

*groans*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely? "

Errrrr no. But we can agree to disagree , maybe.......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us "

Yep, similar for me too. I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together because they thought they were doing the right thing by us(my brothers and I). They weren't, it was toxic. Both of my parents cheated, and I married a guy who did too.

For me, there's no justifying cheating.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

Errrrr no. But we can agree to disagree , maybe......."

Probably not even that!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us

For me, there's no justifying cheating. "

Does that include flirty banter with forum men / women that are cheating?

I'm not singling you out per se but there's a little bit double standards going on if that's *really* how one feels......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely? "

I think it's all going swimmingly - but if only I could find the punchline to a joke I was told earlier. They had to leave before the end so I never got to hear the pay-off.

In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.” Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I'm .... "

and that's where they left it!

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely? "

It's the usual stuff that we get used to in here .

Cheaters accuse those who frown upon them as being judgemental , and some suggest they get out of their existing relationship if it's that bad that they have to get sex elsewhere . Seems reasonable on the surface , but clearly each and every person has differing reasons as to why they do what they do .

The op was to ask what was the justification for cheaters to cheat , which got lost halfway through . But do you know what ? It's not anyone else's business really is it ? Or at least it isn't until you post on an open forum , so there's always a choice . If you don't want to be judged , don't post , simple .

It's an emotive topic , and swingers can be the most judgemental of all , as this thread shows . Of course those who don't or wouldn't dream of cheating are going to see things from the cheated on partner . It's human nature . And it's also inevitable that the cheater will have their reasons for cheating , many of which are just , and some which won't seem to be to others .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

I think it's all going swimmingly - but if only I could find the punchline to a joke I was told earlier. They had to leave before the end so I never got to hear the pay-off.

and that's where they left it!

Don't give up your day job, where did you find that. Read better jokes in a Christmas cracker

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

It's the usual stuff that we get used to in here .

An excellent synopsis.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

It's the usual stuff that we get used to in here .

I'm disappointed. This seems all fair and logical and sensible. Are you tired? Do you need a hug?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us

For me, there's no justifying cheating.

Does that include flirty banter with forum men / women that are cheating?

I'm not singling you out per se but there's a little bit double standards going on if that's *really* how one feels......"

Is banter cheating?

I wouldn't have thought so.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

It's the usual stuff that we get used to in here .

I think this maybe the 2nd time in forum history I've agreed with you....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's going on in here then? Everyone getting on nicely?

I think it's all going swimmingly - but if only I could find the punchline to a joke I was told earlier. They had to leave before the end so I never got to hear the pay-off.

and that's where they left it!

Don't give up your day job, where did you find that. Read better jokes in a Christmas cracker

I know and I'm so sorry

. It's just that I hoped this thread would help me find the answer ...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Suppose I better post, I cheat because we have separate rooms, no sex.

We are both still here for the kids, it's not easy but my babies always come first.

I have no guilt because the relationship is over there is no chance of and I don't want a reconciliation

You say you're staying because of the children,but if their not seeing their parents in a healthy loving tactile relationship is that good for them?

I was just going to comment a similar thing...

I took the decision that anything was better for my son than the toxic relationship that he was witnessing every day when I was with his dad..

Leaving him was the best thing for us

For me, there's no justifying cheating.

Does that include flirty banter with forum men / women that are cheating?

I'm not singling you out per se but there's a little bit double standards going on if that's *really* how one feels......

Is banter cheating?

I wouldn't have thought so. "

Could be seen as leading someone on, endorsing they're being here, sharing a laugh...it's secondary in the big picture maybe ~ but a lot of people site sharing something intimate / special / in joke with someone more than a betrayal than the act of sex itself.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Problem is when it becomes more than nsa sex , or a nasty little disease is spread to an innocent party . It's rarely that simple "

It's often that simple. A huge amount of people meet on here for NSA sex without any complications. I meet married people, (cheaters), and it's Fab that keeps their marriage working.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I made the decision to leave a very unhappy marriage, when my son was very young. His Dad then turned his back on him, for good. That caused so much heartache for my son and has let him scarred for life. I now live with the guilt of that, if I hadn't left, if I had stayed in the relationship and cheated instead, then my son would still be having a normal relationship with his Dad.

So to all of you who say if you're not happy then leave, it's never black and white. It must be nice for those of you who have perfect marriages/relationships and can sit there and judge and tell others how easy it is not to cheat and to leave an unhappy marriage. Oh if only life was that simple.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My heart is the biggest, strongest and best asset I have. It rules my mind. This topic is very personal to everyone and always produces the most passionate posts.

"From the other side of cheating is the other person. Please don't let them fall if you have no intention or ability to catch them"

I just finished reading this whole thread and that is the only bit I will remember.

Because apart from people's personal experiences... the views/opinions from all sides are pretty much the same over and over again. That is expected so no surprises there.

My god what a post _yldstyle!

"Please don't let them fall if you have no intention or ability to catch them"

That is soo deep. I hope one day I can be good enough for you to call me a friend. I have a feeling our paths will cross...

My personal experience to date:

I have never cheated on anyone and nobody cheated on me. Just the way my life has been so far.

I know many people who are in the exact same position as me. Many people who are cheaters, people who made it work by any means neccesary, people who failed. People who have the untouchable relationship/marriage (yes there is such a thing).

Over the years I have asked all the different groups on and off Fab many questions. Their reasons and how they overcome hurdles... what made them walk away, what made them cheat etc etc

The most important question of all:

Knowing what they know now if they could go back in time what would they change in their relationship.

I am the type of person that needs to get to the bottom of things and find answers. So I do my own research...

Please note:

Due to the nature of this topic it can be emotionally draining. Clash of hearts can result in sad memories coming back and then people lash out.

There are no winners or loosers. We all dream and wish we can be happy all the time, but life throws things at us at the most unexpected times. Things are not in our control and things just happen... how you deal with the circumstances that you find yourself in determines how your future may look.

As there will be many threads in the future on this topic I will try to join you all and share what I found in my research.

I may just leave you all to it and keep my big mouth shut

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Adam, you're like Jerry Springer -- always popping up and trying to summarise threads.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's not cheating if no one finds out. What they don't know won't hurt them!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's not cheating if no one finds out. What they don't know won't hurt them! "

I always laugh when people say proudly that they've never been cheated on -- how would they know?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The debate continues. As does my horn.

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