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It's a joke

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By *layfullsam OP   Man  over a year ago

Solihull

Simply post a joke that makes you chuckle

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally d*unk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the d*unk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The d*unk shouts, “Yes, I am!”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The d*unk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The d*unk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the d*unk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the d*unk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”

The d*unk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman  over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Oh ffs........ laughed ..... it's the visuals..... the visuals... Not that I hang out watching priests drowning d*unks.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What's brown and sticky......?

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By *iss.RedWoman  over a year ago

somewhere


"What's brown and sticky......? "

A stick?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Did you hear that about Vick Burns?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman  over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

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By *obbytupperMan  over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley


"What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass."

Granny!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Sorry...

There was once a famous explorer who would travel around the world videotaping exotic things from around the world. One day, he decided that he would make a videotape of all the world's dances. So, he and his film crews spent 5 years roaming around the world taping any exotic dance they could come across. They ended up in Australia after videotaping the last dance they had ever heard of. Suddenly, an old lady comes up to them and says "Have you gotten the Butcher dance?"

The explorers did not know what the Butcher dance was, so they asked the old lady.

"Well, there's a very secretive tribe of Aborigines in the outback that only do this dance called the Butcher dance once a year. No human outside of their tribe has ever seen it."

This excited the explorers greatly. "Do you know where we can find this tribe?"

The lady replied "Yes I do, and if you leave tomorrow, you should just make it in time. First, you need to travel 2 hours west into the outback, then 5 hours north. You will come to a mountain range. You must leave your vehicles at the range. Then, you climb over the mountain range, which is very treacherous. Then, you will need to ford a river at the bottom of the mountains. There should be a tribe of aborigines on the other side that will guide you to the next tribe for something valuable in return. They will lead you to a cliff on a plateau. You must scale down the cliff, and then it is an hour walk across a desert to a group of small hills, and over those hills will be the aborigines with the dance you seek."

Well, the explorer knows that he must get this dance to complete his taping. So, he and his crew set off. 2 hours west, and then after 4 hours north, their cars break down, so they're forced to walk the remaining distance with all their equipment across the hot landscape. When they finally come to the mountains, 2 of the group lose their footing and fall to their deaths. They finally make it over the mountains, but the river has been engorged with a flood. 1 crewman drowns while he tries to swim across, so the remaining people are forced to build makeshift rafts. However, the rafts start to sink, and half of their camera equipment is lost. They come to the group of aborigines who will guide them to the next group, and offer them money. They refuse, and the explorers offer them some of their cameras. The aborigines refuse that, as well. So, the famous explorer makes his sacrifice, and offers the only female member of his crew, which they accept. They are given a guide who leads them to the cliff. One of the crewmen gets vertigo, and accidentally falls off the cliff tom his death. The explorer and his one remaining crewman set off across the desert, and his crewman drops because of heat stroke. So, the explorer picks up a small camera, and drags his ragged self across the desert, up the hills, and he can hear drums!

He pulls himself up the top of the hill, and the drums stop. He stumbles down to the village elder, and once they have found a translator, proceeds to ask him when the Butcher dance will take place.

"I'm very sorry, but we have just finished with our Butcher dance." "Well, can't you please do it again, for me? It's very important! You don't know what we've been through!" "We cannot do that. It would anger our gods, and we need them to watch over our livestock and our crops and our water.

So, the explorer heads back to where he started from, and finally makes it back and resolves to try again next year. So he spends the year renting out a house in Australia and gathering everything he'll need. He gets mountain climbing gear, an inflatable raft, blow-up dolls, and a car repair kit. He takes all the precautions, and with a new crew, sets off.

When they arrive at the mountains, one of his crew notices a path in the mountains that wasn't apparent, so they drive through, and make it to the river, which has dried up. They cross the dried-up riverbed, and the aborigines have moved away because of a lack of water. So, they carry on from the memory of their leader. Midway through the desert, however, one car hits a rock and tips, and the other car couldn't turn in time, and there's a horrible accident. By sheer willpower, the explorer climbs bloodied and beaten from the wreckage, finds one camera that still works, and stumbles on into the village. He is immediately recognized by the elder.

"Oh, you! You have come just in time to see the Butcher dance! We will delay it for a little bit so that you can be healed of your wounds!" "No, I don't want to waste that time. I'll be fine. Just start the Butcher dance!"

This is the time he's been waiting for two years. Finally, his 7 year work will be complete. He fires up his camera and watches the dancers as they come out. They form a circle, and start to sing:

"You butcher right hand in, you butcher right hand out..."

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By *unloversCouple  over a year ago

rotherham

This made me laugh

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman  over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

Granny!!!!! "

Shush Roberto...... it's not that rude

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By *oneythiefMan  over a year ago

Perthshire

I've just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall and singing 'It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache!'

I thought to myself... she's a Bonnie Tyler.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Boom boom

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Have you heard about the magic tractor....went down the road and turned into a field

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By *appyjack7890Man  over a year ago

Brigg


"What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass."

Ha ha....im stealing this one

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By *appyjack7890Man  over a year ago

Brigg

What bee's make milk?... boobies!!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Just bought a load of Tipp-Ex of Amazon...big mistake

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By *unloversCouple  over a year ago

rotherham

Why did the Mexican throw the girl on the fire

Tequila

Hahahaha

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By *avid0894Man  over a year ago

Paisley

What happens when you throw a yellow umbrella into the Red Sea?

It becomes wet.

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By *layfullsam OP   Man  over a year ago

Solihull


"What's brown and sticky......?

A stick?"

My minds in the gutter, I thought it was anal sex

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By *avid0894Man  over a year ago

Paisley

A man walks into a bar

Ouch

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By *layfullsam OP   Man  over a year ago

Solihull

My mates wife just left him , she took his satellite dish and Bob Marley collection.........poor bloke, No Woman No Sky

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

4 gay men walk into a pub. But there's only one stool. What do they do?

Turn it upside down

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Did you hear about the Irish cat?

Had a shit then buried itself.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Fatima Whitbread went to the doctors and said, "Doc, I have hair growing on my chest". He said, "How far down does it go?". Fatima replied, "Right down to me bollocks".

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?

A microwave oven doesn't brown your meet.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What three words will ruin a mans ego?

Is it in?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I was born to be a pessimist.....

My blood type is B negative

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