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This is actually a bit of an actual dilemma this time!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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An old friend of mine lives in Newcastle now - a good two or three hours away from me - and he's getting married in a couple of months. He knows I can't afford to travel up there and I was going to get a lift up there with my best friend, but she has an almost two year old daughter, but her daughter hasn't been invited as it's only a small wedding, apparently. Her parents work so they couldn't watch her for the day.
The thing is, my male friend always makes a fuss of the daughter on Facebook, saying how he'll come to meet her, yet when he comes down he avoids me, my best friend & her daughter, and he's been down at least ten weekends over the last year.
The thing is, part of me thinks if he can't be bothered with us, then I can't be bothered with the wedding. Am I being entirely selfish, as I do feel a tad guilty... |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"The thing is, my male friend always makes a fuss of the daughter on Facebook, saying how he'll come to meet her, yet when he comes down he avoids me, my best friend & her daughter, and he's been down at least ten weekends over the last year."
He doesn't sound too friendly to me (unless he has a damn good excuse, like being a spy, or infected with scabies). I wouldn't go. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Would he be willing to meet the cost of your travel so you can participate? If it's the reason you might not attend....if it's about whether you feel he's generated enough goodwill for you to bother I'm afraid only you can answer....would you tell him that's the reason if you don't go? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Would he be willing to meet the cost of your travel so you can participate? If it's the reason you might not attend....if it's about whether you feel he's generated enough goodwill for you to bother I'm afraid only you can answer....would you tell him that's the reason if you don't go? "
Very good point - he wouldn't.
That would be my excuse if he asks, but I'd bring up the issue of my friend's daughter. He's just assumed that she'd be able to be dumped on someone for the day while her mother's in a different city for six or seven hours. I'm not a parent but even I know that's not on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He should have invited your friends daughter when he invited your friend. I would not go if I were her. If you have doubts maybe it's not for you. It's not selfish of you. I got invented to a 50th birthday party by my former best friend, she didn't invite my daughter who has special needs, although other kids were going. I declined her invite.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Would he be willing to meet the cost of your travel so you can participate? If it's the reason you might not attend....if it's about whether you feel he's generated enough goodwill for you to bother I'm afraid only you can answer....would you tell him that's the reason if you don't go?
Very good point - he wouldn't.
That would be my excuse if he asks, but I'd bring up the issue of my friend's daughter. He's just assumed that she'd be able to be dumped on someone for the day while her mother's in a different city for six or seven hours. I'm not a parent but even I know that's not on."
Send a lovely handwritten card and express your well wishes for the day saying that you and your friend would be delighted to see him next time he's down to celebrate  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He should have invited your friends daughter when he invited your friend. I would not go if I were her. If you have doubts maybe it's not for you. It's not selfish of you. I got invented to a 50th birthday party by my former best friend, she didn't invite my daughter who has special needs, although other kids were going. I declined her invite.
"
Yeah, my best friend said if her daughter isn't welcome then she doesn't feel welcome. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Leaving aside the other friend and her daughter, who don't really have anything to do with your relationship with this person, then if you don't think he makes enough of an effort with YOU to make you want to go then make your excuses and don't. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Would he be willing to meet the cost of your travel so you can participate? If it's the reason you might not attend....if it's about whether you feel he's generated enough goodwill for you to bother I'm afraid only you can answer....would you tell him that's the reason if you don't go?
Very good point - he wouldn't.
That would be my excuse if he asks, but I'd bring up the issue of my friend's daughter. He's just assumed that she'd be able to be dumped on someone for the day while her mother's in a different city for six or seven hours. I'm not a parent but even I know that's not on.
Send a lovely handwritten card and express your well wishes for the day saying that you and your friend would be delighted to see him next time he's down to celebrate "
I adore the passive aggressiveness  |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
Just bear in mind that if you have to go alone you will be at a wedding where you don't know anyone apart from the groom, who will be busy. Also, they will expect a wedding present. And the bar is likely to not be free! 
Or see if there is a guy on here you could go with  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Would he be willing to meet the cost of your travel so you can participate? If it's the reason you might not attend....if it's about whether you feel he's generated enough goodwill for you to bother I'm afraid only you can answer....would you tell him that's the reason if you don't go?
Very good point - he wouldn't.
That would be my excuse if he asks, but I'd bring up the issue of my friend's daughter. He's just assumed that she'd be able to be dumped on someone for the day while her mother's in a different city for six or seven hours. I'm not a parent but even I know that's not on.
Send a lovely handwritten card and express your well wishes for the day saying that you and your friend would be delighted to see him next time he's down to celebrate
I adore the passive aggressiveness "
Bwahahaha -- oh dear, is it showing?! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have you had an invite ?
Yep!
Good.
Next question. Did your friend get an invite OR was she to be tolerated as your lift ?"
She has an invite but he left it with me when he saw me. He was meant to meet my friend in town earlier that day but he stood her up. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Leaving aside the other friend and her daughter, who don't really have anything to do with your relationship with this person, then if you don't think he makes enough of an effort with YOU to make you want to go then make your excuses and don't. "
No, he doesn't make an effort with me at all. He has an out of sight out of mind attitude. |
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"An old friend of mine lives in Newcastle now - a good two or three hours away from me - and he's getting married in a couple of months. He knows I can't afford to travel up there and I was going to get a lift up there with my best friend, but she has an almost two year old daughter, but her daughter hasn't been invited as it's only a small wedding, apparently. Her parents work so they couldn't watch her for the day.
The thing is, my male friend always makes a fuss of the daughter on Facebook, saying how he'll come to meet her, yet when he comes down he avoids me, my best friend & her daughter, and he's been down at least ten weekends over the last year.
The thing is, part of me thinks if he can't be bothered with us, then I can't be bothered with the wedding. Am I being entirely selfish, as I do feel a tad guilty..."
Definitely doesn't sound like he is worth the effort it would take to get there and I don't think you should feel guilty. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An old friend of mine lives in Newcastle now - a good two or three hours away from me - and he's getting married in a couple of months. He knows I can't afford to travel up there and I was going to get a lift up there with my best friend, but she has an almost two year old daughter, but her daughter hasn't been invited as it's only a small wedding, apparently. Her parents work so they couldn't watch her for the day.
The thing is, my male friend always makes a fuss of the daughter on Facebook, saying how he'll come to meet her, yet when he comes down he avoids me, my best friend & her daughter, and he's been down at least ten weekends over the last year.
The thing is, part of me thinks if he can't be bothered with us, then I can't be bothered with the wedding. Am I being entirely selfish, as I do feel a tad guilty..."
Nope! Friendship is a two way street not a cul de sac that only goes one way! |
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Okay Harley Q.......
Here is my measured response.
If YOU consider him a friend and YOUR life rules tell you that attending a friend's wedding is the right thing to do, then you go.
If financially you simply cannot travel then you send a written regret without reason. You just say it isn't possible for you to make it. You wish him all the best. You make NO mention of his not seeing you each of the 10 times he was down.
Your friend isn't really a consideration. She shouldn't be going.
It's his wedding. If he doesn't want strange children there, he shouldn't be challenged about it.
It should be a good day for the couple. It's not anyone else's day.
There's no shame in saying no politely.
It's more classy to NOT blame others.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Cant say I would be encouraged to go if you haven't seen him in the last few years, its a hard one though as I get invited to friends weddings in different countries and these are people that I may not have seen for 4 + years. Some I go to some I don't, usually depends on the cost.. Was once invited to a good friends stag party and he was asking each of his mates to pay nearly 700 quid each for the adventure he wanted... Sometimes it's just not doable, people have busy lives but surely he would have found time to drop by |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
"Is it an open bar at this wedding?
I'd go for that! "
Well I was thinking OP babysits the daughter and lets their mutual friend have a day out at the wedding. The open bar was just something I always ask if there's a wedding involved. |
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"Okay Harley Q.......
Here is my measured response.
If YOU consider him a friend and YOUR life rules tell you that attending a friend's wedding is the right thing to do, then you go.
If financially you simply cannot travel then you send a written regret without reason. You just say it isn't possible for you to make it. You wish him all the best. You make NO mention of his not seeing you each of the 10 times he was down.
Your friend isn't really a consideration. She shouldn't be going.
It's his wedding. If he doesn't want strange children there, he shouldn't be challenged about it.
It should be a good day for the couple. It's not anyone else's day.
There's no shame in saying no politely.
It's more classy to NOT blame others.
"
You win the internet tonight Granny  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Okay Harley Q.......
Here is my measured response.
If YOU consider him a friend and YOUR life rules tell you that attending a friend's wedding is the right thing to do, then you go.
If financially you simply cannot travel then you send a written regret without reason. You just say it isn't possible for you to make it. You wish him all the best. You make NO mention of his not seeing you each of the 10 times he was down.
Your friend isn't really a consideration. She shouldn't be going.
It's his wedding. If he doesn't want strange children there, he shouldn't be challenged about it.
It should be a good day for the couple. It's not anyone else's day.
There's no shame in saying no politely.
It's more classy to NOT blame others.
You win the internet tonight Granny "
Yes she does |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Okay Harley Q.......
Here is my measured response.
If YOU consider him a friend and YOUR life rules tell you that attending a friend's wedding is the right thing to do, then you go.
If financially you simply cannot travel then you send a written regret without reason. You just say it isn't possible for you to make it. You wish him all the best. You make NO mention of his not seeing you each of the 10 times he was down.
Your friend isn't really a consideration. She shouldn't be going.
It's his wedding. If he doesn't want strange children there, he shouldn't be challenged about it.
It should be a good day for the couple. It's not anyone else's day.
There's no shame in saying no politely.
It's more classy to NOT blame others.
"
Spot on. |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
Putting myself in your shoes I wouldn't be going but sending them a nice card and my best wishes.
I was invited to a friends wedding but my children weren't, they wanted a child free wedding, fair enough but I couldn't arrange child care so didn't go either! |
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