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would you trust a male that says he is dominant
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " I only trust my partner to be dominant with me. He knows my limits and body language x | |||
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " if someone gave me a swot on the bum without discussing first, and blamed it on getting carried away, I'd give him a swift jab in the nads and use the same excuse  | |||
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " You can't OP. Quite simple really. If you have said no, that's a no. Being dom doesn't even enter into that equation unless you had agreed safewords that were something other than no. If I had a penny for every time a person has approached me and presented rough fucking as a sub/dom scenario, I'd be ridiculously wealthy. I've noticed an increase in doms since fifty shades - I guess it's trendy to say you're so and enables you to try hardcore scenes found in porn with an excuse. OP, go with your instinct. It should be a natural thing not something that makes you uncomfortable. | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it." Not if they do not feel comfortable with it then the safe word comes in. | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it." You're 100% incorrect. Completely missing every point of the D/s dynamic. | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. Not if they do not feel comfortable with it then the safe word comes in." That is right and also if it is too bizarre to do. | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it." what a load of rubbish  | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. what a load of rubbish "Exactly. And it's attitudes like the above that are the crux of the problem with men who claim to be Dom. 50 shades of rubbish. | |||
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"OP - here's the bottom line. Trust, consent and safety - those are all things built up over time. D/s relationships, and interactions don't just happen with strangers on the Internet - or at least they shouldn't. If you want to trust a person, you have to get to know them, and actually put your faith, trust and personal safety in their hands - that's something that's earned, not given away."  | |||
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? "
Wholeheartedly agree with you. We met a guy who said he could play 'non dom' who slapped P's arse quite hard while she was riding him cowgirl and without turning round to look at my face said "Don't do that as LB doesn't like it". In spite of that he still slapped her again (as we were finishing) and on several occasions put his fingers in her mouth and pulled her cheeks. Even though P quite likes it a bit rough sometimes (I do my best) it's not really me so we won't meet anyone who has a dom profile or even a dom sounding username. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them?
Wholeheartedly agree with you. We met a guy who said he could play 'non dom' who slapped P's arse quite hard while she was riding him cowgirl and without turning round to look at my face said "Don't do that as LB doesn't like it". In spite of that he still slapped her again (as we were finishing) and on several occasions put his fingers in her mouth and pulled her cheeks. Even though P quite likes it a bit rough sometimes (I do my best) it's not really me so we won't meet anyone who has a dom profile or even a dom sounding username."As I said already - slapping someone doesn't make you Dom. I play with D/s relationships, but I also play vanilla too - a time and a place for everything. | |||
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? if someone gave me a swot on the bum without discussing first, and blamed it on getting carried away, I'd give him a swift jab in the nads and use the same excuse " | |||
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried y away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? No dominant should allow his emotions to get the better of him,your right..how could you trust him,. " | |||
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" As someone with years of experience in this area, I can assure any man on here that if you want to become a Dom, you need to understand that it is your sub that holds ALL the power. " As someone with decades of experience in this area, that line or close variations of it is a very common "get past their defences" opening line with a potential sub, ***not*** saying the OP is using it that way, but it does get used that way a lot, it is also total unadulterated 100% pure bollocks. No matter how extreme the dynamic (and take ours for example, it is pretty extreme, being 24/7 TPE IE etc as well as the mere sexual stuff) it is still 50/50, either party can call it quits and walk away at will. With power comes comensurate responsibility, a "sub" who held "all" the power over a relationship with a "dom" (and presumably none of the responsibility for their own well being?) isn't in a relationship, unless heroin addicts have a relationship with the needle, because what is being described there is addiction, and addiction is rarely healthy. *irrespective* of labels, if someone does or says something at a meet that makes you feel uneasy or unhappy then end the meet then and there, leave, block, move on. Do *not* go out and use the label that the last person used to describe themselves, eg dom/sub, as a stick to beat the next person with, the moment they use the label for themselves. Do *not* take anyone else's vast experience as having any applicability to you, my decades of experience as a dom means't a big fat zero to the OP because we have never met each other, it's like a motor engineer with decades of experience giving her advice on a "car", not any specific car that he has inspected and had up on the ramp, it's a "Ford", nor does said motor engineer know what the car owner needs out of their vehicle, 7 seats or 2, room for a full pallette or room for a change or socks, eco electric city shopping trolley or motorway cruiser. | |||
"Nothing I can say will change peoples minds, I've stopped trying now. Arseholes are ruining bdsm, rotting it, and when I slate 50 sog, people just say I've jumped on the band wagon, but its fucking dangerous, its about a millionaire who has control issues, and is a bully, so now when I mention being a dom, people roll their eyes, or yawn, without knowing what I'm about. The best and safest thing for everyone is not to meet anyone who even suggests being dom, unless you know what a dom actually is, and that includes me, because those that think because they bought a copy of 50 sog, they know all about bdsm, are as delusional as someone becoming. A prostitute after watching pretty woman. So yeah, safety is important, but don't think for one minute, that any self respecting dom, lacks the control to not slap a woman's arse, he possesses more control than most, we have to, without it there can be no trust, and without trust there is nothing"
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"Nothing I can say will change peoples minds, I've stopped trying now. Arseholes are ruining bdsm, rotting it, and when I slate 50 sog, people just say I've jumped on the band wagon, but its fucking dangerous, its about a millionaire who has control issues, and is a bully, so now when I mention being a dom, people roll their eyes, or yawn, without knowing what I'm about. The best and safest thing for everyone is not to meet anyone who even suggests being dom, unless you know what a dom actually is, and that includes me, because those that think because they bought a copy of 50 sog, they know all about bdsm, are as delusional as someone becoming. A prostitute after watching pretty woman. So yeah, safety is important, but don't think for one minute, that any self respecting dom, lacks the control to not slap a woman's arse, he possesses more control than most, we have to, without it there can be no trust, and without trust there is nothing" Well said! | |||
"Nothing I can say will change peoples minds, I've stopped trying now. Arseholes are ruining bdsm, rotting it, and when I slate 50 sog, people just say I've jumped on the band wagon, but its fucking dangerous, its about a millionaire who has control issues, and is a bully, so now when I mention being a dom, people roll their eyes, or yawn, without knowing what I'm about. The best and safest thing for everyone is not to meet anyone who even suggests being dom, unless you know what a dom actually is, and that includes me, because those that think because they bought a copy of 50 sog, they know all about bdsm, are as delusional as someone becoming. A prostitute after watching pretty woman. So yeah, safety is important, but don't think for one minute, that any self respecting dom, lacks the control to not slap a woman's arse, he possesses more control than most, we have to, without it there can be no trust, and without trust there is nothing" I rolled my eyes and yawned at men who insisted on telling me about how dominant they were way before 50 Shades was even written. If you're not into it, it's boring. But you tell people you're not into it, and they still insist on banging on about it. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " I don't meet dominate men, I think a lot will say whatever it takes to meet you and when they do they will try and change your mind, or just get carried away Most guys who claim to be Dom aren't, they just use the phrase Dom to cover the fact they are lazy and rough Rough fuckers and guys who don't want to give pleasure back to me is not a Dom | |||
"OP - here's the bottom line. Trust, consent and safety - those are all things built up over time. D/s relationships, and interactions don't just happen with strangers on the Internet - or at least they shouldn't. If you want to trust a person, you have to get to know them, and actually put your faith, trust and personal safety in their hands - that's something that's earned, not given away." Wholeheartedly agreed! I'd never enter into anything like this on my own with some random stranger Ruby | |||
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"I would trust me " You just need to add 'honest' at the end of that comment to sound really convincing  | |||
"I would trust me You just need to add 'honest' at the end of that comment to sound really convincing "honestly you have to believe me haha | |||
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"D....T.....A Don't.... Trust.... Anyone" | |||
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"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? I don't meet dominate men, I think a lot will say whatever it takes to meet you and when they do they will try and change your mind, or just get carried away Most guys who claim to be Dom aren't, they just use the phrase Dom to cover the fact they are lazy and rough Rough fuckers and guys who don't want to give pleasure back to me is not a Dom " But a lot of that could be said for all men, there are those men that don't say they are dom that will say anything to get in a woman's nickers. Dom men are getting a rough ride because wannabes come on to sites like this, and act all masterly and serious, and expect women to be on their knees on the first meet. This grinds my gears, I'm not saying every woman on the site should meet me, but I don't like being tarred with the same brush, its so annoying. I take pride in my principles, The way I conduct myself, is important to me, its important that I have trust, and it appears that some nob head fucks up under the name of bdsm, and I'm not to be trusted? Like I said, the answer is don't meet doms, but don't put me in a box with "mrgrey2000" or "hrdspank4u" I'm worth much more than that. *I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, I just tagged it onto a post* | |||
"D....T.....A Don't.... Trust.... Anyone" That's too extreme the other way for me. I like people and believe most are naturally good people, who can be trusted. Based on one's on common sense and previous experiences. | |||
"*I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, I just tagged it onto a post*" But isn't a dominant man different from a man who is a Dominant? | |||
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"*I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, I just tagged it onto a post* But isn't a dominant man different from a man who is a Dominant?" I'm not sure I follow? | |||
" But isn't a dominant man different from a man who is a Dominant?" I see this. A man can be dominant in his personality and sexually..I see 'a Dom' as a dominant man who practices in bdsm. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? I don't meet dominate men, I think a lot will say whatever it takes to meet you and when they do they will try and change your mind, or just get carried away Most guys who claim to be Dom aren't, they just use the phrase Dom to cover the fact they are lazy and rough Rough fuckers and guys who don't want to give pleasure back to me is not a Dom But a lot of that could be said for all men, there are those men that don't say they are dom that will say anything to get in a woman's nickers. Dom men are getting a rough ride because wannabes come on to sites like this, and act all masterly and serious, and expect women to be on their knees on the first meet. This grinds my gears, I'm not saying every woman on the site should meet me, but I don't like being tarred with the same brush, its so annoying. I take pride in my principles, The way I conduct myself, is important to me, its important that I have trust, and it appears that some nob head fucks up under the name of bdsm, and I'm not to be trusted? Like I said, the answer is don't meet doms, but don't put me in a box with "mrgrey2000" or "hrdspank4u" I'm worth much more than that. *I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, I just tagged it onto a post*" Your profile is very clear about your interests in bdsm and as much as I can't get my head round it I respect that is your kink and you clearly know a lot about it. My gripe is the mr grey and the guys who get off on causing pain to others.. bully's as others have said. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? I don't meet dominate men, I think a lot will say whatever it takes to meet you and when they do they will try and change your mind, or just get carried away Most guys who claim to be Dom aren't, they just use the phrase Dom to cover the fact they are lazy and rough Rough fuckers and guys who don't want to give pleasure back to me is not a Dom But a lot of that could be said for all men, there are those men that don't say they are dom that will say anything to get in a woman's nickers. Dom men are getting a rough ride because wannabes come on to sites like this, and act all masterly and serious, and expect women to be on their knees on the first meet. This grinds my gears, I'm not saying every woman on the site should meet me, but I don't like being tarred with the same brush, its so annoying. I take pride in my principles, The way I conduct myself, is important to me, its important that I have trust, and it appears that some nob head fucks up under the name of bdsm, and I'm not to be trusted? Like I said, the answer is don't meet doms, but don't put me in a box with "mrgrey2000" or "hrdspank4u" I'm worth much more than that. *I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, I just tagged it onto a post*" But it's not a case of "one Dom fits all". I like the things you said were bad. I like my relationships to be that way. I like meeting people who understand that kind of control play and will go that far when we've established a thing. 50SOG has been great for me, because it's enabled me to meet the kind of people who *want* extreme power exchange. Just like The Secratary enabled me to meet those kinds of people. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone conforms to what your idea of BDSM is. What you're essentially saying is that you're a "nice guy" because you do BDSM better than the other men. That's not the case - people have different tastes. | |||
" My gripe is the mr grey and the guys who get off on causing pain to others.. bully's as others have said. " Enjoying causing pain to someone makes you a sadist. A sadist is not a bully. Most people into BDSM are in part either sadists or masochists to some degree. It's very normal actually in the scene. I like causing people pain. It helps me orgasm. It's how I am. But I'm only a bully if you ask me to be one. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? I don't meet dominate men, I think a lot will say whatever it takes to meet you and when they do they will try and change your mind, or just get carried away Most guys who claim to be Dom aren't, they just use the phrase Dom to cover the fact they are lazy and rough Rough fuckers and guys who don't want to give pleasure back to me is not a Dom But a lot of that could be said for all men, there are those men that don't say they are dom that will say anything to get in a woman's nickers. Dom men are getting a rough ride because wannabes come on to sites like this, and act all masterly and serious, and expect women to be on their knees on the first meet. This grinds my gears, I'm not saying every woman on the site should meet me, but I don't like being tarred with the same brush, its so annoying. I take pride in my principles, The way I conduct myself, is important to me, its important that I have trust, and it appears that some nob head fucks up under the name of bdsm, and I'm not to be trusted? Like I said, the answer is don't meet doms, but don't put me in a box with "mrgrey2000" or "hrdspank4u" I'm worth much more than that. *I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, I just tagged it onto a post* But it's not a case of "one Dom fits all". I like the things you said were bad. I like my relationships to be that way. I like meeting people who understand that kind of control play and will go that far when we've established a thing. 50SOG has been great for me, because it's enabled me to meet the kind of people who *want* extreme power exchange. Just like The Secratary enabled me to meet those kinds of people. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone conforms to what your idea of BDSM is. What you're essentially saying is that you're a "nice guy" because you do BDSM better than the other men. That's not the case - people have different tastes." I'm actually saying that I do bdsm better than those who have no understanding of what is needed to provide a safe place in which to explore fantasy, and those who think that saying they are a dom gives them the right to take, and never give, I'm not saying I'm the best, anyone who is arrogant enough to say they are the best at something as immensurable as bdsm is delusional, I'm saying there is a right way to behave towards someone who is putting a lot of trust in you, and saying "get on your knees slut and suck my dick" isn't the be all and end all, that pseudo doms tend to think it is. | |||
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" I'm actually saying that I do bdsm better than those who have no understanding of what is needed to provide a safe place in which to explore fantasy, and those who think that saying they are a dom gives them the right to take, and never give, I'm not saying I'm the best, anyone who is arrogant enough to say they are the best at something as immensurable as bdsm is delusional, I'm saying there is a right way to behave towards someone who is putting a lot of trust in you, and saying "get on your knees slut and suck my dick" isn't the be all and end all, that pseudo doms tend to think it is. " But a man who has the confidence to say 'get on your knees and suck my dick' is sexy. Really sexy. Knee-wobblingly sexy. Knee-collapsing sexy. And yet so many 'dominant' men seem to insist that men who say that are doing it wrong... | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it." And this is a great example of something the average dim-dom will say. | |||
" I wouldn't say it has to feature in every sexual encounter a person may have." It does for some people. I don't do sex without BDSM. | |||
"The amount of men that claim to be Dom is out of control. Just because you like to slap a woman on the bum does NOT make you a Dom. As someone with years of experience in this area, I can assure any man on here that if you want to become a Dom, you need to understand that it is your sub that holds ALL the power. It's about power exchange dynamics, awareness, care, trust, consent and safety - these are the key elements - it has NOTHING to do with hitting people, or using YOUR power to exert Domination over another human being. " | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. And this is a great example of something the average dim-dom will say." Dim-dom all the way. | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it." You're wrong | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong" if a sub says no it means no.I'm fully into bdsm.the so called Dom's I've met on here have nothing in common with a true bdsm dom.for a start v few here show any respect | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong" Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " If they are not respecting your limits then imho you should pass them by. There are plenty of people on here who will give you the respect you deserve. There should never be a situation of getting carried away, so that somebody is not respecting somebody else's limits. It's one thing being in the moment and enjoying yourself, and it's another thing crossing that very clear line. | |||
A light arse spanking (without leaving marks) is as far as I'd be willing to go. Whats wrong with wanting sex that doesn't leave you feeling like you've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson? I prefer sensual kissy sex  | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable." If negotiated, yes. There are would-be Doms who believe that is the "one true way" and who will play in that way with unsuspecting newbies. | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable." yes both ways might be acceptable in the confines of your own home but not in a bdsm club environment.you overstep the mark in ones in my area and out you go.there's no blood letting allowed and this new craze of punching is ridiculous.it takes a certain type of woman who likes being punched and a certain type of guy who likes doing it .I'm old school bdsm and set in my ways | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it." No. The sub holds the power and gives consent to be dominated in a way that works. When starting out a Dom will talk, talk and talk to get to know the sub and any soft limits and hard limits (no no's). If the sub doesn't like something or doesn't want to do it then it stops. Making a happy sub. Sage, Sane and Consensual. Dom(mes) have limits too. All limits must be respected by both parties or the dynamic won't work. | |||
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"No I wouldn't the thought of meeting someone and it turning out that they want to play dom terrifies me. What if they don't listen when I tell them no
A light arse spanking (without leaving marks) is as far as I'd be willing to go. Whats wrong with wanting sex that doesn't leave you feeling like you've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson? I prefer sensual kissy sex "There you go. A limit. But D/s is much more than just spanking | |||
"No I wouldn't the thought of meeting someone and it turning out that they want to play dom terrifies me. What if they don't listen when I tell them no
A light arse spanking (without leaving marks) is as far as I'd be willing to go. Whats wrong with wanting sex that doesn't leave you feeling like you've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson? I prefer sensual kissy sex
There you go. A limit.
But D/s is much more than just spanking"Yea I know, I'm saying I'm not cut out for it | |||
"No I wouldn't the thought of meeting someone and it turning out that they want to play dom terrifies me. What if they don't listen when I tell them no
A light arse spanking (without leaving marks) is as far as I'd be willing to go. Whats wrong with wanting sex that doesn't leave you feeling like you've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson? I prefer sensual kissy sex
There you go. A limit.
But D/s is much more than just spanking
Yea I know, I'm saying I'm not cut out for it "I know, and any self respecting Dom would accept that and be as sensual as you deserve | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable." | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable." In my experience that would come under Master/slave terminology. Although the lines are blurred the main and most simplistic difference is that the slave gives up control and the sub lends control. I would agree to the statement it depends on the dynamic. After-all a play date can have the sub giving up control temporarily but being pedantic that still comes under the lending of control category. | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable.yes both ways might be acceptable in the confines of your own home but not in a bdsm club environment.you overstep the mark in ones in my area and out you go.there's no blood letting allowed and this new craze of punching is ridiculous.it takes a certain type of woman who likes being punched and a certain type of guy who likes doing it .I'm old school bdsm and set in my ways" Well, my partner and I play in BDSM clubs and I punch him sometimes. Occasionally I let him punch me. It's sexy for us. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that it's not fun for other people or acceptable to others. | |||
"No I wouldn't the thought of meeting someone and it turning out that they want to play dom terrifies me. What if they don't listen when I tell them no
A light arse spanking (without leaving marks) is as far as I'd be willing to go. Whats wrong with wanting sex that doesn't leave you feeling like you've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson? I prefer sensual kissy sex "Sensual kissy sex is a hard limit for me. I'm not even joking. | |||
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"This thread neatly summarises why the whole scene turns me off massively. It get imbued with so much "my way is the right way, I know better than you, your way is wrong" bullshit. I'll play at being sub with someone who is playing at being dom, and I really don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I find it incredibly off putting when it's taken so seriously. Anyone who says they are Dom and goes on about it ad nauseum in their profile or posts, and then says "oh but I can play vanilla" - no, that's really not for me. I'm no one's second best and I don't like the way vanilla is thrown around as a derogatory term. " I guess the seriousness comes from the risk aspect. You're absolutely right about there being no set way - it is as different as relationships are. However, stereotypes do exist to make life easier for us. You're not then going into the completely unknown. There is a starting point for communication. | |||
"This thread neatly summarises why the whole scene turns me off massively. It get imbued with so much "my way is the right way, I know better than you, your way is wrong" bullshit. I'll play at being sub with someone who is playing at being dom, and I really don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I find it incredibly off putting when it's taken so seriously. Anyone who says they are Dom and goes on about it ad nauseum in their profile or posts, and then says "oh but I can play vanilla" - no, that's really not for me. I'm no one's second best and I don't like the way vanilla is thrown around as a derogatory term. " I am the opposite way. I'll only play with people who take their playtime seriously. I will not play with people who have generic profiles and then promise that they're into BDSM really and they've been doing it all their lives. | |||
"This thread neatly summarises why the whole scene turns me off massively. It get imbued with so much "my way is the right way, I know better than you, your way is wrong" bullshit." That is right, you will always get those who reckons they are experts lol. | |||
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"No you wouldn't, equally I would not trust a woman who said she was sub. You don't know what they are projecting onto the other person from their own mind. Could be 50 sog, could be something deep rooted in the past that wouldn't be healthy. To me there is an ecological respect that is needed to be understood from all parties; and that can only come from exploring the dynamic at some detail/depth, for everyones safety. " What shorthand term would you prefer people to use other than dom or sub? It is, after all, essentially just shorthand when written in profiles for a certain style of BDSM play. | |||
"This thread neatly summarises why the whole scene turns me off massively. It get imbued with so much "my way is the right way, I know better than you, your way is wrong" bullshit. I'll play at being sub with someone who is playing at being dom, and I really don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I find it incredibly off putting when it's taken so seriously. Anyone who says they are Dom and goes on about it ad nauseum in their profile or posts, and then says "oh but I can play vanilla" - no, that's really not for me. I'm no one's second best and I don't like the way vanilla is thrown around as a derogatory term. I am the opposite way. I'll only play with people who take their playtime seriously. I will not play with people who have generic profiles and then promise that they're into BDSM really and they've been doing it all their lives." Yep, I'd rather people stick to what they are actually into. Don't pretend to be into BDSM (in your example), and don't pretend you're happy with "vanilla" (in mine). | |||
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"No you wouldn't, equally I would not trust a woman who said she was sub. You don't know what they are projecting onto the other person from their own mind. Could be 50 sog, could be something deep rooted in the past that wouldn't be healthy. To me there is an ecological respect that is needed to be understood from all parties; and that can only come from exploring the dynamic at some detail/depth, for everyones safety. What shorthand term would you prefer people to use other than dom or sub? It is, after all, essentially just shorthand when written in profiles for a certain style of BDSM play." People can label them selves what they want, even easier create labels from behind a screen. The point was more round the dynamic than the title and communication, from my perspective is, is the art of exploring that dynamic. | |||
"No you wouldn't, equally I would not trust a woman who said she was sub. You don't know what they are projecting onto the other person from their own mind. Could be 50 sog, could be something deep rooted in the past that wouldn't be healthy. To me there is an ecological respect that is needed to be understood from all parties; and that can only come from exploring the dynamic at some detail/depth, for everyones safety. What shorthand term would you prefer people to use other than dom or sub? It is, after all, essentially just shorthand when written in profiles for a certain style of BDSM play. People can label them selves what they want, even easier create labels from behind a screen. The point was more round the dynamic than the title and communication, from my perspective is, is the art of exploring that dynamic." I don't understand. You won't trust a woman who says she is 'sub'. So how do you find submissive women if they don't write it on their profile? Because if they write it on their profile then you won't trust them, and that means that nothing will ever get off the ground. | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable.yes both ways might be acceptable in the confines of your own home but not in a bdsm club environment.you overstep the mark in ones in my area and out you go.there's no blood letting allowed and this new craze of punching is ridiculous.it takes a certain type of woman who likes being punched and a certain type of guy who likes doing it .I'm old school bdsm and set in my ways Well, my partner and I play in BDSM clubs and I punch him sometimes. Occasionally I let him punch me. It's sexy for us. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that it's not fun for other people or acceptable to others." well punching is not allowed up here in clubs .you'd be thrown out.every club has rules and if you don't follow them you are out.I don't care what people do in their own space .I don't pretend anything .I've been in the bdsm scene 30 years so don't go thinking I'm talking tripe either. | |||
"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. You're wrong Not wrong - just specialist. Some people play that way. Some people don't. Both ways are acceptable.yes both ways might be acceptable in the confines of your own home but not in a bdsm club environment.you overstep the mark in ones in my area and out you go.there's no blood letting allowed and this new craze of punching is ridiculous.it takes a certain type of woman who likes being punched and a certain type of guy who likes doing it .I'm old school bdsm and set in my ways Well, my partner and I play in BDSM clubs and I punch him sometimes. Occasionally I let him punch me. It's sexy for us. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that it's not fun for other people or acceptable to others.well punching is not allowed up here in clubs .you'd be thrown out.every club has rules and if you don't follow them you are out.I don't care what people do in their own space .I don't pretend anything .I've been in the bdsm scene 30 years so don't go thinking I'm talking tripe either." I do ultraviolence (punch play) heavy impact and edge play (including use of knives) and I've never had a problem doing it at fetish events/clubs and I've attended several. I've also witnessed others doing various edge and hard play. I can name four clubs at least where it's understood and permitted. If I was to attend some of these clubs on a swinging night to use their fet space, then I would tone down (by choice) or close the door as I appreciate it's not fair for people not accustomed to seeing this kind of play being subjected to it. In reference to the comment about it taking a certain type of sub/dom to enjoy this kind of play... absolutely it does. It has to be the type that enjoys it, understands it and practises it in a safe way. | |||
".well punching is not allowed up here in clubs .you'd be thrown out.every club has rules and if you don't follow them you are out.I don't care what people do in their own space .I don't pretend anything .I've been in the bdsm scene 30 years so don't go thinking I'm talking tripe either." You are incorrect. I know several people into ultraviolence in your neck of the woods and they do it out clubbing. I mean, I've only been going out on the BDSM scene for fifteen years, so perhaps I should bow to your clearly superior time spent on the scene? | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " And in answer to the OP.... I wouldn't trust anyone that tells me anything, just because they say so. Trust takes time. So does understanding the other person. It's only okay to practise what's within limits. If a sub has said something it not okay to do and feels strongly about it, then they need to set that as a limit with the agreement that the dominant will not break that limit. Stick to your guns. Don't do anything you're not happy with. It's supposed to be enjoyable after all. | |||
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"Although a sub should submit to everything and not question it. No. The sub holds the power and gives consent to be dominated in a way that works. When starting out a Dom will talk, talk and talk to get to know the sub and any soft limits and hard limits (no no's). If the sub doesn't like something or doesn't want to do it then it stops. Making a happy sub. Sage, Sane and Consensual. Dom(mes) have limits too. All limits must be respected by both parties or the dynamic won't work. " This | |||
".well punching is not allowed up here in clubs .you'd be thrown out.every club has rules and if you don't follow them you are out.I don't care what people do in their own space .I don't pretend anything .I've been in the bdsm scene 30 years so don't go thinking I'm talking tripe either. You are incorrect. I know several people into ultraviolence in your neck of the woods and they do it out clubbing. I mean, I've only been going out on the BDSM scene for fifteen years, so perhaps I should bow to your clearly superior time spent on the scene?" well name one pet I'm part of n east scene .we no longer have any bdsm clubs up here ,tension,narnia,the cave and notorious in Stanley have all closed now.I don't know where you go but it is not up here. | |||
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"Wow. That took some catching up on! Thanks. You have confirmed my suspicions. The guy is a wannabe! I'm basing that on lots from above. If he can't control himself not to get carried away etc. Not that I would be open to meet even if he was true dom! " You don't have to be open to meeting a dom, that's your choice. But it would be nice if people realised that not all men into bdsm, have no self control. | |||
"these genuine clubs have rules which you should abide by .then you get some know it all come along and spoil it for everyone.yes there are private parties but no genuine club up here now.all we have at the moment is munches( these are just socials) and if you bothered with the real fetish scene you would know that.anyway you don't come from this neck of the woods" The clubs I go to don't have rules against ultraviolence. I don't see what the difference is anyway between giving someone a judicial caning (acceptable to old skool players) and giving someone a punch (not acceptable to old skool players). | |||
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"A judicial caning given on the bottom is not as dangerous as a punch not many internal organs in the bottom is there.if you want your insides messed up that's your problem not mine" Don't be so bloody judgemental. What the kink scene doesn't need is people who are judgemental inside it as well as outside it. | |||
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"To be honest, its getting to the point on here when I don't really "trust" anyone.... That's not a bad thing, it just means I need to moderate the way I interact a little.... As for picking up a random Dom from a website.... well, I am sure you have been cautioned enough in that regard " This. The Dom/sub dynamic is a complex one and what people desire from it will vary. Inexperience from both parties is can be equally damaging for both. | |||
"Wow. That took some catching up on! Thanks. You have confirmed my suspicions. The guy is a wannabe! I'm basing that on lots from above. If he can't control himself not to get carried away etc. Not that I would be open to meet even if he was true dom! You don't have to be open to meeting a dom, that's your choice. But it would be nice if people realised that not all men into bdsm, have no self control." That is why safe sane consensual is used less and personal responsibility involved consensual kink is starting to be used. | |||
"I don't even trust myself so you know " Oh don't say that! | |||
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"There are loads of clubs which allow edge play. The events do tend to be invitation only though, and to get an invite you have to be known to the organisers to be safe and consensual players. For anyone really looking for kink play, this isn't the best site (although you can find some gems). I am uninterested in sex without a kink or D/s element. Had "vanilla " for many years and it was unsatisfying. Now I've found what I like and enjoy playing with several Doms along with my own. If you're not into it then fine, but try not to bad mouth or disrespect people who like different things;)" Come on Spirits it would not be a proper Fab kink thread without judgmentality and bad mouthing. | |||
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"There are loads of clubs which allow edge play. The events do tend to be invitation only though, and to get an invite you have to be known to the organisers to be safe and consensual players. For anyone really looking for kink play, this isn't the best site (although you can find some gems). I am uninterested in sex without a kink or D/s element. Had "vanilla " for many years and it was unsatisfying. Now I've found what I like and enjoy playing with several Doms along with my own. If you're not into it then fine, but try not to bad mouth or disrespect people who like different things;) Come on Spirits it would not be a proper Fab kink thread without judgmentality and bad mouthing. "Perhaps, it might just be a little bit better if there wasn't. Choice is an odd concept. | |||
"Title says it all really. However I have been trying to get it through a man's head on here, who states dominant but only with a willing partner. I've said it's not me and would never trust a dom male after a bad experience. He reckons a swot on the bum when getting carried away is ok. I say it's not. If you are carried away and don't listen to your sexual partner when they have said no to such things, how can you trust them? " The title question and the question bought up are really 2 different things, Would I trust a male who said they were Dominant/a Dom? I don't trust anyone without a reason to, so through conversation and time I can't see why I wouldn't, just because they have a preference to be dominant. Would I trust someone who says they are dominant and doesn't understand limits or consent? Hell no! a person who cannot understand your limits isn't a Dom, they are domineering, disrespectful and potentially harmful to you. Getting "carried away" after someone has already told you they don't want you to do what you are doing, that isn't OK | |||
" But isn't a dominant man different from a man who is a Dominant? I see this. A man can be dominant in his personality and sexually..I see 'a Dom' as a dominant man who practices in bdsm." Yes that's what I meant | |||
" OP, learn about yourself and what you like. " (I'm not dismissing the rest of this post, I just wanted to comment on this part) And don't forget it's perfectly OK to be a Class A sadist today and more into the D/s dynamic next weekend. It keeps those pesky subs on their toes  | |||
