FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > separated fathers/dads
separated fathers/dads
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By *umps OP Man
over a year ago
city |
I have done a lot for my kids as they grow up... but now as they are in their late teens and early 20's I find that they are having less time for me as their dad... I know this is normal... but nowadays I only see them once a month lately.. and only now contact me when they want something... I make every effort to arrange a meeting with them but they are always busy.... I have said this to my own brothers and sisters. . And they say I should should making the effort let them make arrangements. .. I'm not 100% sure ..any advance from you guys. .as I believe no effort by me... perhaps all will be lost. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I am lucky . Me and my wife split when my kids was 12 and 15 . And my kids love too see me .I feel for you mate because if they did not I would be devastated. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Yeah, this is sad. I'm abnormally close to my dad, to the point were I'm in the pub with him more than I am with my "friends" etc...
At the end of the day, he'll know he will only ever have one old man. So chin up. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm sorry, OP. That must be tough. 
I don't have personal experience with this and a lot will rest on your relationship with them, but keep in mind that they are at an age when they are seeking more independence anyway.
Do you go out of your way to spend time with them? Do you put the onus on yourself for making seeing them easier and more convenient? Maybe you could try setting up a regular time to see them each week and make it a habit rather than allow it to be passive every once in a while? Just an idea. I hope things work out for you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *umps OP Man
over a year ago
city |
"
I don't have personal experience with this and a lot will rest on your relationship with them, but keep in mind that they are at an age when they are seeking more independence anyway.
Do you go out of your way to spend time with them? Do you put the onus on yourself for making seeing them easier and more convenient? Maybe you could try setting up a regular time to see them each week and make it a habit rather than allow it to be passive every once in a while? Just an idea. I hope things work out for you. "
Your speaking like you know what you're talking about... even though you haven't expericed it..you will make a great dad..
Anyway I have already making arrangements for meeting fortnightly which they are breaking... I think I'm finding it hard to Let go..
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This is one thing I am dreading as my lad gets older."
I think it depends on how far away they move
As I said above my eldest is 24 and has no interest at all in leaving home
My middle daugher is 23 and lives with her fella, they live maybe 3/4 mile away and comes round to my house most days, I'm sure if she lived miles away she wouldn't make the effort to come round so regular
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I don't have personal experience with this and a lot will rest on your relationship with them, but keep in mind that they are at an age when they are seeking more independence anyway.
Do you go out of your way to spend time with them? Do you put the onus on yourself for making seeing them easier and more convenient? Maybe you could try setting up a regular time to see them each week and make it a habit rather than allow it to be passive every once in a while? Just an idea. I hope things work out for you.
Your speaking like you know what you're talking about... even though you haven't expericed it..you will make a great dad..
Anyway I have already making arrangements for meeting fortnightly which they are breaking... I think I'm finding it hard to Let go..
"
A great dad?  I hope not, since I'm a woman 
But more seriously, when I was that age I moved 4 hours away from my parents and saw them only occasionally. They're getting older and letting them go is part of that process. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I get how you feel and kinda went throw something similar with my son but after a few very heated argument and a few nose to nose call outs where nether of us would have backed down for a second something just suddenly clicked and I realised this completely fearless stubborn young man I was going toe to toe with was me at his age and without dawt what he was saying doing and way he was acting was a carbon copy of me. He was turning into me and just like me his head was very well screwed on. I'd given him every tool he needed to survive in life and just like me he didn't need a dad anymore because I'd tort him everything he needed he was his own man and his life choices good or bad was his to make. Just like me he would fuck up and just like me he'd sort it or pay the price. Suddenly from being steaming mad at him I felt proud of him and yes of myself for being that dad he needed up to then. From that day on I did stop being his dad which was a little sad as he wasn't my boy any more but we quickly development a new relationship I'd even say a much stronger 1 and now a few more years on I can honestly say we are each others best mate but stronger than that as mates do let you down some quite often but we wont ever let each other down we are always there for each other have each other back no matter what and side by side nobody stands a chance against us because we are blood we are family and that won't ever change now. I hope that will happen for you to possibly step back and touch and let him go like I had to he may well choose to walk straight back. Good luck fella and have some faith  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"That's kids for you my oldest (23)and youngest (18) has moved out and I hardly see them unless they want something "
That's what happens, especially in that late teen to late 20's zone.
Even before mine moved out I hardly saw them.
Good news is the pendulum swings back in time, we now have fairly regular contact. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I am also dreading this as my son grows older, but have to accept he will have his own life to live . What did you do when you grew older to keep in touch with your dad ?
Hard to take I know when they don't keep their schedules dates but you can't force them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm going through this except my kids are much younger in fact mid teens but they prefer to be at their moms where their allowed to smoke and have girlfriends stay over still have contact with them but they just don't come and stay just hoping they see sense and have proper relationship with me as they grow so I know your pain OP hope things work out |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I have done a lot for my kids as they grow up... but now as they are in their late teens and early 20's I find that they are having less time for me as their dad... I know this is normal... but nowadays I only see them once a month lately.. and only now contact me when they want something... I make every effort to arrange a meeting with them but they are always busy.... I have said this to my own brothers and sisters. . And they say I should should making the effort let them make arrangements. .. I'm not 100% sure ..any advance from you guys. .as I believe no effort by me... perhaps all will be lost. "
They're older and have their own lives, being negative about it or seeing too much into it won't do you any favours. My mum couldn't always be that bothered to do stuff with me as a kid, I became self sufficient. Mid twenties she became interested and jealous of anyone else taking my time. I'm resentful now,I get to early forties and she's interested...bit late!
Leave them bee,let them know you're there for them.don't expect them to put you first,their friends etc will come first, if you don't you'll get hurt. They need to build bonds with people their own age,you won't be around forever...then what do they do? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I get how you feel and kinda went throw something similar with my son but after a few very heated argument and a few nose to nose call outs where nether of us would have backed down for a second something just suddenly clicked and I realised this completely fearless stubborn young man I was going toe to toe with was me at his age and without dawt what he was saying doing and way he was acting was a carbon copy of me. He was turning into me and just like me his head was very well screwed on. I'd given him every tool he needed to survive in life and just like me he didn't need a dad anymore because I'd tort him everything he needed he was his own man and his life choices good or bad was his to make. Just like me he would fuck up and just like me he'd sort it or pay the price. Suddenly from being steaming mad at him I felt proud of him and yes of myself for being that dad he needed up to then. From that day on I did stop being his dad which was a little sad as he wasn't my boy any more but we quickly development a new relationship I'd even say a much stronger 1 and now a few more years on I can honestly say we are each others best mate but stronger than that as mates do let you down some quite often but we wont ever let each other down we are always there for each other have each other back no matter what and side by side nobody stands a chance against us because we are blood we are family and that won't ever change now. I hope that will happen for you to possibly step back and touch and let him go like I had to he may well choose to walk straight back. Good luck fella and have some faith
Lovely post "
It pulled a cord or 2 writing it if I'm honest he's 28 now with a gorgeous son of his own and continue copying most things I did at his age. Just like me he can't do relationship but there's nobody gets ether of us like we do. My next biggie is letting my little girl go and she's not so little anymore. Call me sexist if you like but for a real dad not a sperm donour bring up your son and your daughter are completely different. Letting her go scares the living shit out of me and honestly I've know idea how I'm going to do it or keep my hands off that little shit who's already sniffing round her grrrrrr |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ikeAvalirMan
over a year ago
somewhere different |
I got divorced when the kids were 11 and 5, as soon as the divorce started she moved her new fella in and was pregnant to him. That was 7 yrs ago, I used to see them every weekend, as the eldest hot her teens it grew a lot less but always made sure she knew I love her. March this year the ex moved to Cornwall, my eldest has stayed local, moved in with her boyfriend and part of the reason was to stay by me. The younger 1 is in Falmouth, and hates her step dad, but has always got money on a PAYG credit card I got her so if she feels like doing a runner she can get the train and start heading back north. I'm off to see her on Friday. 7hr drive but worth it. So OP I feel your pain bud. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
They are adults now and wanting to experience everything life has to offer. You should be proud that they have the confidence and love of life to do that. In time they will calm down and be more available.
Think back to when you were their age, would you want to be tied to fortnightly meetings with your parents? I live right next door to my sad but can go all week without speaking to him.... We even message on Facebook rather than speak face to face sometimes but he understands that I am off forging my way in the world and is happy to sit back and let me do my thing but will always be there when I need him. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have done a lot for my kids as they grow up... but now as they are in their late teens and early 20's I find that they are having less time for me as their dad... I know this is normal... but nowadays I only see them once a month lately.. and only now contact me when they want something... I make every effort to arrange a meeting with them but they are always busy.... I have said this to my own brothers and sisters. . And they say I should should making the effort let them make arrangements. .. I'm not 100% sure ..any advance from you guys. .as I believe no effort by me... perhaps all will be lost. "
I separated five years ago when my lad was 14, I moved 150 miles away but made every effort to get back most weekends to see him, went to pick him up and have him visit my new home whenever I could, school holidays etc, took him away when I was working whenever I could. Luckily he loves visiting his dad and my new home. In the last year it's become more difficult as he is now working, but it made my weekend when he said he was coming to visit me under his own steam for the first time. We had a great time. He wants to visit again on his own. Great. We don't speak much on the phone or by email, skype or messenger but we have accepted that that's just the way we are. I think we have a great relationship but I can see him becoming more independant. I think the way he has turned out means I have done my duty well as a father under the arduous circumstances that were forced on me. I miss him terribly when we are not together but I know we are in each others hearts and always will be. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's not just the quantity of time spent with someone that determines the quality of your relationship. I live really near my parents, less than a mile away, but I still only see them once a week or less. I love them and need them, but have no desire (and neither do they) to see each other more frequently for no reason. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Get on Facebook, there is a brilliant German tv ad floating about right now tag them in it.
A old gentleman you assume he's died as they family are going to a funeral. It's not the old gentleman planned it to get them together.
It makes you think. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You need to work on your profile etc...
Explain?"
It was a joke. Single man complains he can't get meetings - bog standard "work on your profile" response.
I thought it was funny. 
OP hope you get something sorted. Do you chat on the phone to them much? Maybe that would fit into their lives better than meeting up?
I personally would take it at their own pace. And make sure to fill your own life with other stuff, so you don't miss them as much. Everyone's relationships with their kids are going to be different. Just let them know you are there for them, but you can't force someone to hang out with you, that's no fun for anyone. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My heart goes out to you OP. I understand and sympathise with every word you say. My boys are in there mid teens and though I see them regularly with quite a set pattern they call me less and now my wife has a new partner I cannot just pop round as I used too. It is a very disconcerting feeling when some other guy actually sees more of your kids than you do..!! I think you should always strive for contact without being clingy, provide opportunities for them to talk and visit you. I would not stop doing that ever. As they push out into the world they will at some point realise who really matters...who really loves and who they can really count on. For me it has been a very painful experience but I do know the bond I have with my boys is very strong and I will do all I can to keep that as they grow up. Best of luck....you are not alone in your feelings..! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Im a mother but my son left home at 16. Unless he wanted something i was lucky to get a phone chat with him once a week. They have to make there own lives. But experience tells me they come back.
He now wants me to share his life, makes quality time for me im just spending 4 days with him. We do whatsapp and hes just teaching me to skype
Its amazing what happens when they become parents themselves and i was the same with my mum.
Try and get them to use whatsapp.
But what your experiencing is normal.
When i was a teenager i had to go and stay with my dad every other weekend and hated it i wanted to be doing stuff with my friends. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
We found at that age our grown up children lived their lives quite happily without Mum and Dad unless they needed help with something. If they turned up now and then it was good enough for us as we were happy they were living their lives.
Then when they got into their middle twenties although they were still living their lives we saw more of them. Then when they had kids of their own, we saw more of them again.
It seemed to go in stages but I am not sure if it does for everyone. I then thought back to when I was that age and older and I probably did exactly the same.
We all know we are all still loved and are there whenever the time allows |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *izbitMan
over a year ago
St Helens |
Let them know your there for them, occasional text to say you've got tea on or fancy going out?
Mix it up with a few terms like, ok we could discuss it over coffee or a maccies 
Unfortunately people do go and seemingly lead selfish lives but encourage them they are able and you support them not just as bank of dad but as a person who's lived himself |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Feel all ur pain... I have two beautiful daughters that I have not seen in 3yrs.. they live abroad.. 11 and 9.. the oldest is fine her mum doing a great job.. the youngest however is getting her head filled with shit by her mum and her huaband who she cheated on me with..so every time I speak to her she I'd telling me things that are mostly untrue and that someone her age shouldn't be knowing.. I try to be the bigger person and tell her when she is older I will explain.. as well as her stepdad ignoring her and her older brother who I brought up from been 3..just concentrating on his own kid.. he is hitting my daughter and he is causing problems to speak with her.. although now chat on skype as got her a tablet.. i have spoke to her school who even though acknowledge I am on the birth certificate will not give me any info..am in music and write for a living and have yet to find a word that describes the feeling in my heart without them.. I call..send money for all 3 kids and my mum visits regular... once when was living abroad still I took my oldest daughter mum to court for access.. I ended up with my bank account frozen and we went together or married which les to a breakdown..and now she has striped me of all parental rights citing abandonment.. which couldn't be further from the truth.. both kids are living in houses I left and gave their mothers.. sorry for rambling.. after bouts of drinking and on the streets in the UK I decided to snap out of it live properly keep my head high and be there for them when they need me so they can be proud of their father.. it pissed me off so much when there are mothers and fathers who have the chance and don't. .
Much love keep ur heads up
Steve xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I have done a lot for my kids as they grow up... but now as they are in their late teens and early 20's I find that they are having less time for me as their dad... I know this is normal... but nowadays I only see them once a month lately.. and only now contact me when they want something... I make every effort to arrange a meeting with them but they are always busy.... I have said this to my own brothers and sisters. . And they say I should should making the effort let them make arrangements. .. I'm not 100% sure ..any advance from you guys. .as I believe no effort by me... perhaps all will be lost. "
You did what you were supposed to do for your children, so no brownie points for that!
Don't get me wrong, like you, I have to almost force myself on my kids. They don't ask for anything as they're fiercely independent. I don't think they intentionally shut me out, they have families of their own.
Manage your expectations. If they only contact you when they want something don't give in.
It's not easy. My daughters in-laws live ten minute walk away so see the grandchildren more than me, but I grit my teeth when I hear about the other nanny having them for the weekend.
Don't give up and I trust it works out for you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
My parents never split but I left home when I was 16 and never really stayed in contact with parents.I still went fishing with my dad maybe twice a year and visited about 20 times a year.
However they did what they had to for me in those 16 years they where there for me and helped me grow.I have 5 kids of my own and seperated but I know once they hit a certain age I wont see them as much.
If I can guide them and help them grow into a better person than me then I know I will have done good.What they do after that is upto them , My door has and will be always open for them any time of the day. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My 2 are still babies..4 and 7. Very close to both of them, probably more so my daughter. I'm dreading this stage, but I make it clear to them that whatever happens, they'll always have beds here, and will always be welcome. One day this house will fall to them, and they may be my carers.. Who knows. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ikeAvalirMan
over a year ago
somewhere different |
big thumbs up to all the dads and the advice from the women, shows that this is a community and not just a shagathon. As a single dad to a 6yr old as well as having 2 older ones that don't live with me I got strength from some of the stories and advice. Thank you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Op I think i know what you are going through. I have the opposite problem. My dad never calls or visits me. I used to call and visit him, but then after he wouldn't come in to visit me on my birthday in April, (he had to be somewhere as usual) I decided I would only visit him after he visited me and only call him after he called me. So taking turns. Consequently, I haven't spoken to my dad since April. It really gets me down that he can leave it so long. He doesn't care at all. Where as I am finding this very difficult. But I have to do it. I needed to see if he actually cared.
I have my answer |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Op I think i know what you are going through. I have the opposite problem. My dad never calls or visits me. I used to call and visit him, but then after he wouldn't come in to visit me on my birthday in April, (he had to be somewhere as usual) I decided I would only visit him after he visited me and only call him after he called me. So taking turns. Consequently, I haven't spoken to my dad since April. It really gets me down that he can leave it so long. He doesn't care at all. Where as I am finding this very difficult. But I have to do it. I needed to see if he actually cared.
I have my answer "
That is so sad and something I just can't get my head round |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Me and my ex split up 5 years ago when our daughter was 11, at first saw her regular, but gradually she came round less and less and called less, then all of a sudden she just stopped coming round, texting/ phoning and blocked me on face book, I tried to ask why with no reply, my ex wouldn't tell me either when I asked so completely depressed about it, haven't heard from her in 2 years,now she's 16 just can't cope sometimes not knowing what she's doing now, can't believe my daughter doesn't love me anymore |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have done a lot for my kids as they grow up... but now as they are in their late teens and early 20's I find that they are having less time for me as their dad... I know this is normal... but nowadays I only see them once a month lately.. and only now contact me when they want something... I make every effort to arrange a meeting with them but they are always busy.... I have said this to my own brothers and sisters. . And they say I should should making the effort let them make arrangements. .. I'm not 100% sure ..any advance from you guys. .as I believe no effort by me... perhaps all will be lost. "
Ive got kids mate two older daaughters 29 28 eldest lives with me shit i know ive one 14 daughter i struggle with and single parent to a four year old boy so kinda know a little. Reading your post obvious you care and feel hurt which speaks volumes of you as a father
My advice keep trying then you have no regrets allow them to do what they want dont feel fucked off so to speak mate if i can sense your love for them they know and thats all they need to know |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I went though some of this turmoil when I split from a partner. She wouldn't let me see the children aged 3 and 6 months. It broke my heart and bank balance to get access via courts. I wrote them letters, how I felt, how I missed them and the stress and anxiety I was going through. It was a two year diary in letter form. I kept the letters. They will be there for the children ( now much older ) to read one day. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I went though some of this turmoil when I split from a partner. She wouldn't let me see the children aged 3 and 6 months. It broke my heart and bank balance to get access via courts. I wrote them letters, how I felt, how I missed them and the stress and anxiety I was going through. It was a two year diary in letter
form. I kept the letters. They will be there for the children ( now much older ) to read one day.
"
Feel ur pain mate.. great idea with the letters.. one day things will be a lot clearer for them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *xx1Man
over a year ago
. |
"I have done a lot for my kids as they grow up... but now as they are in their late teens and early 20's I find that they are having less time for me as their dad... I know this is normal... but nowadays I only see them once a month lately.. and only now contact me when they want something... I make every effort to arrange a meeting with them but they are always busy.... I have said this to my own brothers and sisters. . And they say I should should making the effort let them make arrangements. .. I'm not 100% sure ..any advance from you guys. .as I believe no effort by me... perhaps all will be lost. "
Keep making the effort, even if they blank you. this shows your love.... They will respect you more when they're older.
Good luck |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
