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Step-families
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"Have you sat down and explained everything to him. How old is he" He is 11, we've chatted about it and was involved with my move, I've included him in everything, he is autistic which makes it harder. He doesn't have much here that he finds familiar, which we're trying to work on. I just wish he could just be nice and not rude to their faces. We understand it would be hard for them and appreciate it but looking for tips really as we don't want to make it worse x | |||
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"Try to make sure he has time alone with his mum when he doesn't have to share her attention. Google 'love bombing', it can really help to make a child feel secure. " Thank you, I did have a good chat with him tonight, alone and I'll look at google too. He's worried about Christmas as they are all here and it's new, I'm asking him for ideas to help him x | |||
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"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. " I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads | |||
"Maybe he's not being rude,so much as just being himself ...my nephews autistic, and he can be pretty blunt and intolerant of little kids ... He's way better than he was when he heard the news that the first new baby in the family since him was on the way...." That's where I'm stumped because it's only with ads' kids he is like it, when he was younger it was bad but he kind of worked his way round it all so seeing him like this every other week is upsetting for me and obviously in the past myself and my ex would take it in turns when he was having a meltdown and while ads is great autism is still new to him and when my son is doing what he does I feel he is my responsibility to get him calm G x | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads " I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. " I think some of the problem is he comes here every two weeks and hasn't spent enough time at our new house, ads is confident that it will be ok in the end but I hate the fact his kids get caught in the cross fire. I'm going to try the things everyone suggested, ads did say earlier why don't you take him to the park tomorrow alone? But I assumed it wouldn't be fair on my other two but I will go for a walk with him, I know deep down he doesn't mean it as he is a good kid really and we know it wouldn't be plain sailing G x | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads " How old are your children? | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. I think some of the problem is he comes here every two weeks and hasn't spent enough time at our new house, ads is confident that it will be ok in the end but I hate the fact his kids get caught in the cross fire. I'm going to try the things everyone suggested, ads did say earlier why don't you take him to the park tomorrow alone? But I assumed it wouldn't be fair on my other two but I will go for a walk with him, I know deep down he doesn't mean it as he is a good kid really and we know it wouldn't be plain sailing G x" from his point of view he may think, ive travelled all the way to see my mum and those pesky other kids are here | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads How old are your children?" Mine are 8 & 9 Geeky's are 11, 14 & 15(nearly 16) Ads | |||
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"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. I think some of the problem is he comes here every two weeks and hasn't spent enough time at our new house, ads is confident that it will be ok in the end but I hate the fact his kids get caught in the cross fire. I'm going to try the things everyone suggested, ads did say earlier why don't you take him to the park tomorrow alone? But I assumed it wouldn't be fair on my other two but I will go for a walk with him, I know deep down he doesn't mean it as he is a good kid really and we know it wouldn't be plain sailing G xfrom his point of view he may think, ive travelled all the way to see my mum and those pesky other kids are here" You are right, I can see that but as everyone says they have to get used to each other but I am going to make sure we do separate things x | |||
"Not the kind of subject i would bring on to a public(swinging) forum,having said that hope it works out" I understand that we don't know many people and we've always been given good advice here before. Not everyone needs to talk about sex 24/7. Ads | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. I think some of the problem is he comes here every two weeks and hasn't spent enough time at our new house, ads is confident that it will be ok in the end but I hate the fact his kids get caught in the cross fire. I'm going to try the things everyone suggested, ads did say earlier why don't you take him to the park tomorrow alone? But I assumed it wouldn't be fair on my other two but I will go for a walk with him, I know deep down he doesn't mean it as he is a good kid really and we know it wouldn't be plain sailing G x" If that's the case then that may be another reason, if he's gone from it being just you and his siblings to now it being another family too, it's all very daunting for any age, so can only imagine what it'd be like for a child with autism. I don't see what the problem would be with taking your other children too, if that's what he was used to before you got with ads, then it may be something he enjoys. I'm not sure what the process was for him becoming part of ads and the kids lives, but if it was rushed and not gradual then I definitely think having plenty of 121 time with you and his siblings would benefit him. But either way to still have a little every time they come round to just reassure him that you're still his mum and are there for him. If ads has his children constantly then I'd imagine there may be a bit of jealousy as they get to see you all the time whereas your own don't, which I know will be just as hard for you. It's a hard situation and I really hope you manage to come up with something, but you've had 11 years so fully aware of how long it can be to find out what works and what doesn't  | |||
"Not the kind of subject i would bring on to a public(swinging) forum,having said that hope it works out I understand that we don't know many people and we've always been given good advice here before. Not everyone needs to talk about sex 24/7. Ads" Oh dont get me wrong i like you two and enjoy your posts,maybe it just resinates something on me...good luck x | |||
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"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. I think some of the problem is he comes here every two weeks and hasn't spent enough time at our new house, ads is confident that it will be ok in the end but I hate the fact his kids get caught in the cross fire. I'm going to try the things everyone suggested, ads did say earlier why don't you take him to the park tomorrow alone? But I assumed it wouldn't be fair on my other two but I will go for a walk with him, I know deep down he doesn't mean it as he is a good kid really and we know it wouldn't be plain sailing G x If that's the case then that may be another reason, if he's gone from it being just you and his siblings to now it being another family too, it's all very daunting for any age, so can only imagine what it'd be like for a child with autism. I don't see what the problem would be with taking your other children too, if that's what he was used to before you got with ads, then it may be something he enjoys. I'm not sure what the process was for him becoming part of ads and the kids lives, but if it was rushed and not gradual then I definitely think having plenty of 121 time with you and his siblings would benefit him. But either way to still have a little every time they come round to just reassure him that you're still his mum and are there for him. If ads has his children constantly then I'd imagine there may be a bit of jealousy as they get to see you all the time whereas your own don't, which I know will be just as hard for you. It's a hard situation and I really hope you manage to come up with something, but you've had 11 years so fully aware of how long it can be to find out what works and what doesn't "Ads didn't meet my kids for four months and then it was very gradual, they didn't meet his kids properly until we had been together 6 months or so. It's been a very calming process. Up until I moved I saw them every single day (at their house with their father there), the day I moved down my little one came with me and stayed for a week so he could see where I was living and such, I felt that was important to him and me. Ads kids come the same weekend as mine, I did say maybe we should swap weekends but when we do marry at some stage they will be proper step brother and sister and they do need to get to know one another. We have had several weekends where we have swapped so they get time with me alone and ads get time with his kids but ultimately they all come at the same time, I guess there is a lot going on for him to take in and maybe we do need to rethink the weekends G x | |||
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"Can you speak to someone at CAMHS or his school. He may talk to someone who's uninvolved about how he feels more easily. Autism can be tricky at the best of time without the other changes in your lives" That's a good idea, I'm glad ads took this approach. I know it seems strange asking for help here but there is so many people here from all walks of life x | |||
"Sounds like he's had a lot of sudden changes, which is a big deal for someone with autism, due to their need of stability. I think it will be a case of patience and reassurance. Possibly take him and one of the others to do something together so they can get to know one another better, where they have to interact. Then do the same with the other child. But also for ads to get involved and do exactly the same, as he's also come into the equation, so needs to get to know him and understand that he's not trying to take his mum away etc. I'd highly recommend doing the 121 stuff, that way he wouldn't feel outnumbered. I do spend quite a lot of time with him and 1-2-1 he's fantastic he only plays up when the other children get involved. It makes me feel horrible when my 2 are excited to see them but Geeky's kids would do anything they could to avoid them. I've suggested games that will hopefully build a bond but they sulk and moan. I love all of them like they're my own and I'd do anything (within reason) for them (staying at work an extra hour so I can meet them at the station and get them across London for example) the older 2 are begrudgingly beginning to like my 2 (I think eldest giving the youngest a piggy back today) but just Geeky's youngest who seems to be having a problem. Ads I completely understand how hard it must be, but everyone adapts differently and at different paces. You say he has autism, that will be a major factor into the reason he's being the way he is. Maybe seek guidance from one of the online support groups for parents of autistic children, I'm sure many have been through a similar situation and experienced the same. autistic children will take longer to adapt to new surroundings and other than patience and trying new things to see what works, there's not much else you can do. I think some of the problem is he comes here every two weeks and hasn't spent enough time at our new house, ads is confident that it will be ok in the end but I hate the fact his kids get caught in the cross fire. I'm going to try the things everyone suggested, ads did say earlier why don't you take him to the park tomorrow alone? But I assumed it wouldn't be fair on my other two but I will go for a walk with him, I know deep down he doesn't mean it as he is a good kid really and we know it wouldn't be plain sailing G x If that's the case then that may be another reason, if he's gone from it being just you and his siblings to now it being another family too, it's all very daunting for any age, so can only imagine what it'd be like for a child with autism. I don't see what the problem would be with taking your other children too, if that's what he was used to before you got with ads, then it may be something he enjoys. I'm not sure what the process was for him becoming part of ads and the kids lives, but if it was rushed and not gradual then I definitely think having plenty of 121 time with you and his siblings would benefit him. But either way to still have a little every time they come round to just reassure him that you're still his mum and are there for him. If ads has his children constantly then I'd imagine there may be a bit of jealousy as they get to see you all the time whereas your own don't, which I know will be just as hard for you. It's a hard situation and I really hope you manage to come up with something, but you've had 11 years so fully aware of how long it can be to find out what works and what doesn't
Ads didn't meet my kids for four months and then it was very gradual, they didn't meet his kids properly until we had been together 6 months or so. It's been a very calming process.
Up until I moved I saw them every single day (at their house with their father there), the day I moved down my little one came with me and stayed for a week so he could see where I was living and such, I felt that was important to him and me.
Ads kids come the same weekend as mine, I did say maybe we should swap weekends but when we do marry at some stage they will be proper step brother and sister and they do need to get to know one another. We have had several weekends where we have swapped so they get time with me alone and ads get time with his kids but ultimately they all come at the same time, I guess there is a lot going on for him to take in and maybe we do need to rethink the weekends
G x"thats a lot for any kid to take in regardless going from seeing there mum everyday to once a fortnight | |||
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"When I was little my dad got a new girlfriend, I hated her, I thought she was coming in and taking my dad away from me. I was absolutely awful to her and started doing stuff that got me into trouble. Do I think that's acceptable behaviour now, no. However, I understand from a child's view why they act that way, they find it hard to express what's going on most of the time and to rebel makes you get the attention you think is being taken away from you. I have no idea how long my dad was seeing her for before I met her, I just remember her all of a sudden being there and knew I didn't like it. So that was me, just an "ordinary" child, so for a child with autism i do think it'd be 10X worse if not more. I wouldn't go to changing weekends, because like you said they need to get to know one another. Try some form of routine with them, where you do activities that involve. just you, then one of the other kids, gradually bringing it all together so he can get to know them individually. " See I have always been a child of divorce to the point when I was 17 my mum and dad started getting "friendly" again and I thought it was weird my dad even asked how I would feel if they got back together? I admitted I wouldn't cope as it wouldn't be normal for me I disliked my step mum for a while but now I love her like a second mum she had been there since I can remember! My stepdad is one of the best men I've ever known (albeit miserable sometimes) I wouldn't change either of them even to see my mum and dad together. I do understand it's hard for kids who have had it come onto them after they have loads of memories of their parents being together! I just hope I can show him I'm not trying to replace his dad (just be a supplement) and I'll be there to support him throughout his life no matter what. Ads | |||
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"From experience, autistic siblings can be horrendous to each other. And that's when they've grown up together. Throw in a major life change and aim surprised you're not peeling him off the ceiling with wall to wall meltdowns. Be patient and gentle and calm. Use social stories and visuals to explain to him what's happened. Tell yourself it can take several months for him to accept the change, or longer. Teach the other kids that he needs to not be overwhelmed. Autism is a disability that causes problems with social interaction. So you're basically trying to make him interact socially, in a situation he finds stressful - and that's why he's struggling. Does he have a safe space or quiet space to go to? His bedroom? A room on his own? He can take himself there whenever he feels overwhelmed, and give him permission to do that. Also give him a sign or symbol he can show you when he needs one to one time with you - also factor in ten minutes one to one time with just you and him every single day - ideally the same time each day so he knows when it's coming. And yes definitely seek advice from school - if they are any good - and not all are! " I've told him if he needs time then all he needs to do is go into our room with a book or his tablet for some time away, either with me or alone. We've had some time this morning just him and I and everything is mostly calm, well he is joining in with the others messing about and stuff so that's a good sign! G x | |||
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"It's been better today, we all played games together, turned the wifi off and turned all electrics in, we played team games and other ones, which resulted in my youngest son hugging ads youngest when he bumped his knee, we also went round with a teddy bear in a circle and each of us said what we liked about each other and my youngest said to ads daughter 'I like Kerry because she tries to be a good sister', so it turned out to be a very good day and long!! We will continue to use the tips we were given and hopefully as long as they are getting on, life will be a bit calmer. Although tomorrow I am expecting all the hard work to have vanished as no two days appear to be the same but we now have some ideas to try and keep my youngest calm Thank you guys xx" Just take the big win from today and start again tomorrow. Don't worry about it being undone, just focus on the positive moment now Congratulations, it's so hard where kids are involved and the effort that you're putting in will pay off | |||
"It's been better today, we all played games together, turned the wifi off and turned all electrics in, we played team games and other ones, which resulted in my youngest son hugging ads youngest when he bumped his knee, we also went round with a teddy bear in a circle and each of us said what we liked about each other and my youngest said to ads daughter 'I like Kerry because she tries to be a good sister', so it turned out to be a very good day and long!! We will continue to use the tips we were given and hopefully as long as they are getting on, life will be a bit calmer. Although tomorrow I am expecting all the hard work to have vanished as no two days appear to be the same but we now have some ideas to try and keep my youngest calm Thank you guys xx"  don't let it bring you down when tomorrow is a completely different day, it's to be expected.  | |||
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