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Favourite jokes?!

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By *edbristol OP Man over a year ago

Bristol

In need of a good laugh after a stressful day! anybody got some good jokes for me?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How dya make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill

You're welcome

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By *edbristol OP Man over a year ago

Bristol

Haha!

A classic, thanks x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wait there's more...

What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To visit his flat-mate ????

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" nuns in a bath with a bar of soap

you know the rest.

have fun

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If I saw an amputee being hanged, I'd start yelling out letters.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning?

Because he was too far out man.

..................................

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank coffee before it was cool.

Taxi for one.

Ess

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs???

A wonky!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many Surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?....Fish!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

Stop smoking it's bad for you!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a donkey with 3 legs???

A wonky!

What do you call a deer with no eyes

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs

Still no idea

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

/ \. This is Bob, Bob has no arms

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Well it's no effing Bob!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no body to go with

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How many Surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?....Fish!

A classic

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where does a fish keeps its money?

In a river bank

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By *eaded_BazMan over a year ago

Truro

"What do you call a donkey with 3 legs???

A wonky!

What do you call a deer with no eyes

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs

Still no idea "

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs and being shagged deer style?

Still no fucking idea

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

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By *eaded_BazMan over a year ago

Truro

Bloke walks in to a doctors with a steering wheel on his knob !

Doctor says that looks painful?

Bloke says you ain't kidding it's driving me nuts.

------------

Woman goes to the doctors with a lettuce sticking out her knickers !

Doctor says that looks painful

Woman goes yep but that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Thank you I'm here all week and available for parties !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I tried to take some photos of the fog.

Mist

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the beaver say when he slipped on water?

Dam it!

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By *ildt123Man over a year ago

Huddersfield

A beetle walks into Paul McCartneys pub and orders a beer, Paul says I named my band after you.

Beetle says what idiot calls a band Eric!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A beetle walks into Paul McCartneys pub and orders a beer, Paul says I named my band after you.

Beetle says what idiot calls a band Eric!"

Hahahahahaa

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where do one legged women work?

Ihop

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why was tigger looking in the toilet.

Cos he was looking for pooh

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do you call cheese that isn't yours?

It's nacho cheese!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Haha!

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

Brexit!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

corbyn

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I hate Russian dolls! They're so full of themselves

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Brexit!

Say goodbye to croissants, people. Delicious croissants. We're stuck with crumpets FOREVER.

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Brexit!

Say goodbye to croissants, people. Delicious croissants. We're stuck with crumpets FOREVER."

'Brexit' to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Brexit!

Say goodbye to croissants, people. Delicious croissants. We're stuck with crumpets FOREVER.

'Brexit' to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium."

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I love this one

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Brexit!

Say goodbye to croissants, people. Delicious croissants. We're stuck with crumpets FOREVER.

'Brexit' to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting..."

Just remember folks, global collapse is not a meme.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Brexit!

Say goodbye to croissants, people. Delicious croissants. We're stuck with crumpets FOREVER.

'Brexit' to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium."

And what about Remainia?

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By *obwithkiltMan over a year ago

Belton

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesawus?

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Licksalotofpuss

Thankyouverymuchillbehereallweek....try the veal

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By *eaded_BazMan over a year ago

Truro

Did you hear about the all girl flooring company ?

Specialised in wood floors as they preferred tongue and groove

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Doctor Doctor I feel like I'm being ignored

Next...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

At school I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it.

I watched a documentary about how they make ships. It was riveting.

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: "Have you got a book on how to take rejection without killing?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail... I sent it straight back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Horse walks into a bar

Barman asks why the long face?...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q: What do you call a sad coffee?

A: Depresso.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. "

did actual lol

...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: Snowballs.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 27/10/16 23:43:26]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but she was alright because it was a soft drink.

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By *eesideMan over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

Wot haptouns wen you drop a pc ?

It crash'ess

How to boot up a pc ?

Kik it hard

The eskymow didn't like his new pc ?

It keeped freezing

Thank you im hear all nite

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two snowmen are in a field, one turns to the other and says 'can you smell carrots?'

two birds on a perch and one says to the other 'can you smell fish?'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa

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By *eesideMan over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

"did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa

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By *eesideMan over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

Wots black and white and red all over ?

A news paper

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got a new job crushing Coca-Cola cans. It's soda pressing!...

(lifted from seduced

)...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats leather and sounds like a sneeeze?

A shoe!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Wots black and white and red all over ?

A news paper

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By *mmmMaybeCouple over a year ago

West Wales

Two nuns in the bath & one says "Where's the soap?" The other replies "Yes it does doesn't it"..

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan over a year ago

Willenhall

I used to be a gay necrophiliac until some rotten asshole split on me...

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By *verysmileMan over a year ago

Canterbury

How can you tell when you pass an elephant?

You can't get the toilet lid down

(Available for all functions... recommended by the National Association of Undertakers)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How did Captain Hook die?

He had a wank with the wrong hand!

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

Never trust an atom - they make up everything

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By *2000ManMan over a year ago

Worthing

Ask someone to spell "I met".

Then ask them if they would like to phone home!

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By *lassyandadventurousMan over a year ago

England and Wales

How bad are those jokes lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How bad are those jokes lol "

Bad? I've worked hard remembering all these!

That reminds me...

What is E.T short for?

Because he only has little legs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why had Edward Woodward got so many d's in his name?

Because he'd be Ewar Woowar if he didn't

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

how do you two whales in a mini.................

Down the M4

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By *irceWoman over a year ago

Gloucester

"In need of a good laugh after a stressful day! anybody got some good jokes for me?

Guy limps into a A+E dept the staff rush to his assistance as he is in a right state, WTH happened to you asked the nurse? ....well im a local zookeeper and the jimbo went crazy.....Jimbo? Yes the Elephant he.....he

Rapped me!!

The nurse asked the Doctor for a second opinion and the Dr confronted the zookeeper in a sharp mannor "No way did a elephant streach your bum hole that large....!!!

Sobbing the zookeeper admitted i know.

He fingered me first....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit the frogs fingers!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 prostitutes standing on a street corner. One turns to the other and says 'have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?'

The other replies'NO, but I've been swung round by the nipples.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between light and hard.?

You can go to sleep with a light on

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By *uxom redCouple over a year ago

Shrewsbury

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the difference between a fridge and an Essex girl?

A fridge doesn't fart when you put the meat in

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wife says too husband . " I don't know if i'm coming or going .

Husband says " looking at your face I would say your going. Cause when your coming . You looking like a stroke victim trying to whistle

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

See they have brought out a new viagra pill, called 007

Doesn't make you harder

Just makes you Roger Moore

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Some bloke tried to sell me 8 legs of venison for £20

Is that two dear ???

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Never date a baker.

They are too kneady

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do u make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I sat across from a sexy Thai bird on train.as I looked at her I thought please dont get a hard on but in the end she fucking did ??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i took girl home and as I'm shagging her she starts making louder noises. ashhh I said or else u might wake my parents.havnt I got my own room and bed she replied

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats pink and dusty..

Madaline maccans bike

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesawus?

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Licksalotofpuss

Thankyouverymuchillbehereallweek....try the veal

Love it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 elephants falling off a cliff

Boom boom....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the little snowman say to the big snowman?? I can smell carrots lol, my number one joke it's rubbish but it's the only one I know! X

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple over a year ago

Halifax

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halloumi;)

Miss

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By *pacecoastersCouple over a year ago

Cocoa Beach

How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None....."I'll just sit here in the dark & suffer"!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I love my missus arse.. It's not sexy or anything but every time I see it I no she's fucking off !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I got chatting to this girl in a bar she was a beauty. I spent all night chatting her up, spending a fortune on her, thinking I was onto a sure thing. As the bar closed i suggest that I takes her home for some nookie. "I'm sorry but Ive got my menstrual cycle," she replied. "Thats okay, I will follow you in my car !

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