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Who has a joke to cheer me up?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I said, "I'm off out, mum."
She said, "You ain't going anywhere until you change that mini skirt."
I said, "Why?"
She said, "Because I can see your bollocks, Dave." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”"
Made me chuckle
Thnx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I said, "I'm off out, mum."
She said, "You ain't going anywhere until you change that mini skirt."
I said, "Why?"
She said, "Because I can see your bollocks, Dave.""
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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago
not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds) |
A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with young mothers . At the end of the session he asks four ladies to stay behind
He says to the four mothers "you all have obsessions, these have manifested itself in the same way most unusual."
He says to the first mother "you have an obsession with money so much so you've named your daughter penny"
To mum number two he says " your obsession is with alcohol, so much so you've named your daughter brandy."
He says to the third mother " your obsession is with food ...so much so you've called your daughter candy."
As he looks at the fourth mother she stands up and says "c'mon dick we're leaving ".
Hope your day improves Op. |
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My dad is brilliant at telling jokes, has everyone rolling around all the time, I remember this one time when I was still at home, he came into bedroom to tell me a new joke, unfortunately I was having a wank at the time, he said me to me 'son, if you keep doing that you'll go blind' I said 'I'm over here dad'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Divorcing couple put their house on the market.
"I'll bake some bread to entice the buyers" woman says.
"Don't bother" says the estranged husband. "Just open your legs.........mmmmmmm blue waffles"
They're American, you mix blueberries into the batter and have them with maple syrup and creme fraisch
Nom nom nom  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went to the doctors for checkup she told me to strip and stand behind the curtains. She appeared and said you are going to have to stop masturbsting why I asked? Because I want to examine you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with young mothers . At the end of the session he asks four ladies to stay behind
He says to the four mothers "you all have obsessions, these have manifested itself in the same way most unusual."
He says to the first mother "you have an obsession with money so much so you've named your daughter penny"
To mum number two he says " your obsession is with alcohol, so much so you've named your daughter brandy."
He says to the third mother " your obsession is with food ...so much so you've called your daughter candy."
As he looks at the fourth mother she stands up and says "c'mon dick we're leaving ".
Hope your day improves Op. "
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By *ashedMan
over a year ago
hemel |
Man. Doctor doctor one of my balls is bigger than the other .
Doctor. show me them .
Man gets one ball out and it's the size of a football .
Doctor starts laughing uncontrollable saying look at the size of that .
Man says . Fuck it I am not showing you the big one now . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i decided to go to the mosque for first time to see what it was all about,
i sat down and the lman came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said by the will of ailah the mighty and the prophet mohamed you will walk today.
i told him i was not paralysed,
he came back and laid his hands on me again repeated the same thing,
again i told him there is nothing wrong with me.
after the prayers i stepped outside and lo and behold my fuck;n car had been stolen.  |
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My wife treats me like god.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when.she wants something.
I bought her a fridge for her birthday, probably not the most romantic present I could've thought of but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I bought one of those deoderant sticks the other day. It said unscrew the top and push up bottom , I did ,it made me walk funny but when i farted it didn't half make the room smell nice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife treats me like god.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when.she wants something.
I bought her a fridge for her birthday, probably not the most romantic present I could've thought of but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it."
This guy knows where to get jokes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Having a crap day at work. Anyone got a guilty pleasure joke to cheer me up?
Betty"
A dwarf was struggling to get served at a bar as everyone just kept pushing in front and the barmaid couldn't see him,after half an hour he stood on a stool and shouted at the barmaid 'Oi I'm not happy' so the barmaid asked him 'which 1 are you then,dopey,bashful or grumpy? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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These only work if said aloud...
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese
What's the best cheese to hide a small horse? Mascarpone
What's the best cheese to use to coax a bear out of it's cave? Camembert |
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So I was banging this married woman on her kitchen table the other day when her husband came home early..
She shocked she said "quick try the back door!" I should have ran like hell but hey, you don't get an offer like that everyday.
When my wife left I was sad and lonely..
Since then I bought a new car, adopted a dog and spent three grand on booze and hookers...
She's going to flip her shit when she gets back from work! |
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