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Burgling your burglar
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An English man's (woman's) home is their castle...it's what I believe but the law does seem stacked against the victim.
Burglary is the antithesis of a victimless crime...and the mental anguish caused after such a violation can affect people for years.
So...you've overpowered a burglar and have him tied up...how do you punish the morally deficient scumbag?
Disclaimer for the boring.
I am not advocating real violence...this is more your Tom and Jerry sort of vibe.
And in the spirit of things I will start off by twatting him with a dumbell.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sulphuric acid in the eyes and remove fingers of both hands with bolt cutters.
Or if i wanted to be really nasty I'd make then give out profile advice on here
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An English man's (woman's) home is their castle...it's what I believe but the law does seem stacked against the victim.
Burglary is the antithesis of a victimless crime...and the mental anguish caused after such a violation can affect people for years.
So...you've overpowered a burglar and have him tied up...how do you punish the morally deficient scumbag?
Disclaimer for the boring.
I am not advocating real violence...this is more your Tom and Jerry sort of vibe.
And in the spirit of things I will start off by twatting him with a dumbell. "
I would tickle him silly with a feather  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Offer him support, counselling and rehabilitation. Also make sure his family are provided for.  "
Ah bollox to all that PC bobbins, if its a cartoon stylee punishment then it's an Acme rocket up his jacksie so he goes flying off at 100mph before exploding in the sky, landing to earth staggering from side to side with his face all sooted and smoking.
Two seconds later he'll be back to normal again until he stands on a strategically placed rake which will flip up and whack him in the face dazing him with little Tweetybirds circling his head...
And THEN offer him support, counselling, an all expenses paid safari and make sure his family are provided for! C'mon you've got to make him pay for his crime just a bit! |
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"Take a metal coat hanger....stretch it out....put it on the gas stove till its white hot...before inserting into penis
Failing that drop an acme safe on his head
*meep meep"
and we have a winner .... most evil  |
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"Take a metal coat hanger....stretch it out....put it on the gas stove till its white hot...before inserting into penis
Failing that drop an acme safe on his head
*meep meep
Yeah that is one sound sounding guaranteed to create lots of sound!
and we have a winner .... most evil "
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By *VBethTV/TS
over a year ago
Chester |
"Take a metal coat hanger....stretch it out....put it on the gas stove till its white hot...before inserting into penis
Failing that drop an acme safe on his head
*meep meep"
This made me wince involuntarily so definitely a winner!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I read the title I thought the best idea had already been suggested.
Tie him up. Search his pockets to find his address, car keys etc. Then go round to his house and trash the place before driving his car down a remote lane and torching it.
You know he ain't gonna report you! |
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"When I read the title I thought the best idea had already been suggested.
Tie him up. Search his pockets to find his address, car keys etc. Then go round to his house and trash the place before driving his car down a remote lane and torching it.
You know he ain't gonna report you!"
You my friend are a fucking genius! Best answer confirmed.
I'd shit in his bed too. |
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By *oddyWoman
over a year ago
between havant and chichester |
"For a more subtle approach, tie them up and then gat a couple of mates round.
Then start a planning meeting on how to kill him and get rid of the body.
Keep him gagged but in earshot "
easy get some pigs as they will eat all of him no evidence |
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"For a more subtle approach, tie them up and then gat a couple of mates round.
Then start a planning meeting on how to kill him and get rid of the body.
Keep him gagged but in earshot easy get some pigs as they will eat all of him no evidence"
I know, what I'm thinking here is mental torture rather than actual murder |
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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago
a quandary, could you change my mind? |
I'm making a presumption that the burglar is male...
He has to set up a fab account and stay tired to the chair until he gets a meet and verification!
He's going to be sat for a while judging by some of the posts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock him out with a wine bottle, strip him, hog tie him, bundle him into my car boot, take him to the local common where the gypsies tether their horses, smear his buttocks with honey and leaving him arse up next to a randy looking horse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If we're going beyond cartoon evil, stick copper tubing up his bum, insert barbed wire and remove copper tubing
Wow...you've thought this through!
You evil genius. "
I'm worried....sounds like she's done it before! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This burglar.....is it by any chance Turpin?
I'm talking here about Turpin the intrepid turd burglar of old Loughborough Town.... anyone who went to uni there will know what I'm talking about! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just through it out there but what are you doing while he/she is robbing you? I mean of i'm on the loo they can take what they want, if i'm in the bath they get halloween early :p but your there breaking his legs in your birthday suit...yes or no?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I read the title I thought the best idea had already been suggested.
Tie him up. Search his pockets to find his address, car keys etc. Then go round to his house and trash the place before driving his car down a remote lane and torching it.
You know he ain't gonna report you!"
Sounds like a plan. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a dastardly plan where I'll strap his/her ass to a big fuckoff ACME rocket, fire that rocket into space. They land on the moon to find Marvin the Martian awaiting there arrival, whereupon he/she is dispatched into oblivion by his Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator.
Or do what I did a few weeks ago when I caught some scrote trying to get into our house, grab something heavy and ready myself to chased the little bastard down the street, and to clock the twat with said heavy item if I'd caught him. |
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Next some the thieving scrotes with the not stealthy, noisy bean can exhaust on their car are working my area they will find themselves having to flee on foot. Their car will be mysteriously disappeared and small envelopes of cash will mysteriously appear through the letter boxes of their previous victims... |
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A true story
A few years ago there was a lad who was known to be a thief, and did a lot of local houses, he also went on trips to Manchester on thieving sprees.
the local lads fed up with him waited till he was away and went to his house, gained entry and loaded every thing in to a large van and took it to the tip.
when they were finished they left a note on the door, saying "you have been moved"
He left the area. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Get the stereotypical deep south woman to come in and all u see is her tights, then she has to chase him with a broom til a mouse comes in and she jumps on a chair... Just saying like |
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"When I read the title I thought the best idea had already been suggested.
Tie him up. Search his pockets to find his address, car keys etc. Then go round to his house and trash the place before driving his car down a remote lane and torching it.
You know he ain't gonna report you!"
Not forgetting to take a shit in his bed, and abusing his toothbrush,of course. |
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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago
Hull |
On a slightly different angle, here's what happened in our street a few years ago.
There's been a spate of burglaries in our street and adjoining streets too with few homes left unscathed. Move on a couple of months, with a family being moved out of a house at the start of our street, under action by the local authorities.
Someone noticed belongings coming out that looked familiar; word quickly spread and more locals arrived, seeing goods stolen from them in previous weeks and months.
It ended up with the sole police officer on duty having to call for back up as the crowd in the street outside grew very hostile and wanted to string up the culprits from the nearest lamppost! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Use hypnosis on them, so the next they attempt to steal. They severely punch themselves in the privates for a few hours. We're sure they'll get the message soon enough lol. Gina and Mistress L xxx |
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"Use hypnosis on them, so the next they attempt to steal. They severely punch themselves in the privates for a few hours. We're sure they'll get the message soon enough lol. Gina and Mistress L xxx "
Loving this one. Cos the thing is that the fucker knows where you live...and if you let him live then he's just gonna persecute you (albeit in a recovering from being anvilled kind of way).
Hypnotising him into forgetting he was at yours....and then programming to abuse himself for the remainder of his sorry life is the only way forward. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Short rope round his bollocks tied to heavy weight.
Tie him to a chair in upstairs room.
Tie broom handles to the backs of his arms so that he can't bend them.
Position his arms out of the window and place the weight in his hands.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's a scene in Rise of The footsoldier 2 featuring paperclips up fingernails and a blowtorch... too real? if I have to go cartoon violence can it be more Itchy and scratchy than tom and jerry? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Keep them tied up for about three days, gag them so no one hears the screams take the wire and plug off an electrical item plug it in poke them and release break the little finger on each hand with a lump hammer,go and have a cup of tea and a biscuit then repeat the process until all fingers and toes are broken put them in the boot of your car then dump them about a 100 miles from your house job done |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would forget about him, more precisely I would drop him into the oubliette, with the others  "
who has been watching labyrinth lol what about the bog of eternal stench |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Keep them tied up for about three days, gag them so no one hears the screams take the wire and plug off an electrical item plug it in poke them and release break the little finger on each hand with a lump hammer,go and have a cup of tea and a biscuit then repeat the process until all fingers and toes are broken put them in the boot of your car then dump them about a 100 miles from your house job done "
oh and sand blast the bottom of his feet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tie them over a fire ant nest...you know the big redish coloured ones that spit acetic acid at you...use a cocktail stick to prise the eyes open and cover in honey. Sit back and watch nature take its course. We've worked hard for our possessions and scum like burglar's deserve no mercy or sympathy.... (had a burglary before 5k loss and when they caught them got 30 quid awarded compensation) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Perhsps turn the other cheek?
Whats all this eye for an eye stuff?"
You've never been burgled or seen the carnage and devastation these scrotes leave behind have you.
Pictures, mementos and keepsakes of departed loved ones, stolen, lost forever or smashed to pieces.
The mental anguish, knowing that your home, your safe place has been violated by a total stranger.
It's devastating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Perhsps turn the other cheek?
Whats all this eye for an eye stuff?
You've never been burgled or seen the carnage and devastation these scrotes leave behind have you.
Pictures, mementos and keepsakes of departed loved ones, stolen, lost forever or smashed to pieces.
The mental anguish, knowing that your home, your safe place has been violated by a total stranger.
It's devastating."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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put fags out on him
I might get in trouble for that though, I remember Michael Barrymore nearly getting life just for putting one out in his swimming pool |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"put fags out on him
I might get in trouble for that though, I remember Michael Barrymore nearly getting life just for putting one out in his swimming pool "
oh dear ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"put fags out on him
I might get in trouble for that though, I remember Michael Barrymore nearly getting life just for putting one out in his swimming pool oh dear ?? "
it's called a joke lighten up you might have more fun |
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"Perhsps turn the other cheek?
Whats all this eye for an eye stuff?
You've never been burgled or seen the carnage and devastation these scrotes leave behind have you.
Pictures, mementos and keepsakes of departed loved ones, stolen, lost forever or smashed to pieces.
The mental anguish, knowing that your home, your safe place has been violated by a total stranger.
It's devastating."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Pulls small rocket air bomb firework from stick .... applies lube to small plastic tube and proceeds to insert into said burglars japs eye before making an extra extra long fuse for a bit of tension and with a trigger made from a joke pen cap assembly put between said burglars teeth and see how long he can keep his jaw clenched/stay awake ...
God almost sounds sadistic .. |
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"When I read the title I thought the best idea had already been suggested.
Tie him up. Search his pockets to find his address, car keys etc. Then go round to his house and trash the place before driving his car down a remote lane and torching it.
You know he ain't gonna report you!"
Especialy as he would have been tied up in the boot of said car...
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"Tie them over a fire ant nest...you know the big redish coloured ones that spit acetic acid at you...use a cocktail stick to prise the eyes open and cover in honey. Sit back and watch nature take its course. We've worked hard for our possessions and scum like burglar's deserve no mercy or sympathy.... (had a burglary before 5k loss and when they caught them got 30 quid awarded compensation) "
These bastads have no concience and deserve all they get in retribution. One broke into my car and stole a cheap satnav (£40) but caused over £400 quid damage pulling out the locks. Might not be a lot to some but a quarter of my wages with 2 days work lost. Eye for an eye.... HELL YES |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock him out, when he comes round explain that he has a small amount of plastic explosive with a timer and pager all put in a neat package inserted into his arse. Now you let him know you have a auto-dialer going through a sequence of numbers at random, calling them. You tell him that the pager is one of the numbers that will be rung. You explain that you have superglued his rear shut, but have left a blunt and rusty hacksaw for him. If he can saw through his ankle and crawl the 200ft to the otherside of the room he can unplug the equipment and survive. If not.........BANG!
Or something similar lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Frogmarch him down to my shed and wind up my bench vice around his cock.
Get my hacksaw out of the toolbox.
When he asks "you're not going to cut my cock off are you?"
I reply "no, you're cutting your own cock off. I'm setting fire to the shed"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally, I'd just kick fuck out of him. I'm a laid-back, even-tempered guy by nature, but the one robbery and one attempted burglary I experienced turned me (temporarily) into Frank Castle. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Although I recall reading years ago about someone who attempted to burgle Duncan Ferguson (big, tough Scottish ex footballer).
When the police got there the burglar's injuries were like that of a car crash victim.
I bet he hasn't been burgled since. |
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"Some of you have real issues."
We have never been burgled, but Jaynes mother has, 6 times in less than 18 months, three times whilst they were in the house!
Her and her husband eventually moved 110 miles before they felt safe enough to settle down, and their new house was a fortress.
She still has nitemares about being broken into again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of you have real issues.
We have never been burgled, but Jaynes mother has, 6 times in less than 18 months, three times whilst they were in the house!
Her and her husband eventually moved 110 miles before they felt safe enough to settle down, and their new house was a fortress.
She still has nitemares about being broken into again. "
Even so. This was allegedly supposed to be a "fun" thread. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of you have real issues.
We have never been burgled, but Jaynes mother has, 6 times in less than 18 months, three times whilst they were in the house!
Her and her husband eventually moved 110 miles before they felt safe enough to settle down, and their new house was a fortress.
She still has nitemares about being broken into again.
Even so. This was allegedly supposed to be a "fun" thread. "
Its enevitable that someone would turn it all serious,its the nature of the beast |
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By *imjohnCouple
over a year ago
Clacton on sea, Essex |
"I wouldn't have said it but I see what he means. All the "I'd kick fuck" etc. "
Spray nonce all over the outside of his home & car & leave him to reap his rewards from the locals lol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of you have real issues."
really if you were being burgled and your kids were upstairs then sorry mr burglar your getting fucked up big time like I said on a recent thread the law has changed so if you feel threatened in your own home you can use whatever force necessary to protect yourself. How many people actually have a weapon by their bed? I know I do and if threatened I would use it, they shouldn't be in my house its that simple.
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"Some of you have real issues.
We have never been burgled, but Jaynes mother has, 6 times in less than 18 months, three times whilst they were in the house!
Her and her husband eventually moved 110 miles before they felt safe enough to settle down, and their new house was a fortress.
She still has nitemares about being broken into again.
Even so. This was allegedly supposed to be a "fun" thread. "
Yeah, maybe, but I was responding to your "issues" post, explaining why some feel the need to go over the top.
If some low-life broke into my house whilst we were home, and tried to take what we had worked hard for, he'd better hope he's got a good support network for when he comes out of hospital! |
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By *imjohnCouple
over a year ago
Clacton on sea, Essex |
"Some of you have real issues.really if you were being burgled and your kids were upstairs then sorry mr burglar your getting fucked up big time like I said on a recent thread the law has changed so if you feel threatened in your own home you can use whatever force necessary to protect yourself. How many people actually have a weapon by their bed? I know I do and if threatened I would use it, they shouldn't be in my house its that simple."
Kim as a big electric vibrator next to her side of the bed that would knock anyone out...can even do more damage switched on lol. |
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"Some of you have real issues.really if you were being burgled and your kids were upstairs then sorry mr burglar your getting fucked up big time like I said on a recent thread the law has changed so if you feel threatened in your own home you can use whatever force necessary to protect yourself. How many people actually have a weapon by their bed? I know I do and if threatened I would use it, they shouldn't be in my house its that simple."
I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of you have real issues.really if you were being burgled and your kids were upstairs then sorry mr burglar your getting fucked up big time like I said on a recent thread the law has changed so if you feel threatened in your own home you can use whatever force necessary to protect yourself. How many people actually have a weapon by their bed? I know I do and if threatened I would use it, they shouldn't be in my house its that simple.
I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him!"
lol a friend of mine did it with his krav maga dislocated the blokes shoulder and pulled it back into place when the police turned up there was no obvious injury even though the bloke was crying in pain |
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"Some of you have real issues.really if you were being burgled and your kids were upstairs then sorry mr burglar your getting fucked up big time like I said on a recent thread the law has changed so if you feel threatened in your own home you can use whatever force necessary to protect yourself. How many people actually have a weapon by their bed? I know I do and if threatened I would use it, they shouldn't be in my house its that simple.
I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him! lol a friend of mine did it with his krav maga dislocated the blokes shoulder and pulled it back into place when the police turned up there was no obvious injury even though the bloke was crying in pain "
Yeah that's the trouble if the police turn up-- (inspired by you) and you have to explain to them how you overpowered him and whilst making a post burglary snack your "snack and sandwich breville toaster" became clamped around the burglars genutalia.
Not helped by the whimpering burglar going "He's fuckin' mental.....he even waited for the little green light to come on first!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of you have real issues.really if you were being burgled and your kids were upstairs then sorry mr burglar your getting fucked up big time like I said on a recent thread the law has changed so if you feel threatened in your own home you can use whatever force necessary to protect yourself. How many people actually have a weapon by their bed? I know I do and if threatened I would use it, they shouldn't be in my house its that simple.
I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him! lol a friend of mine did it with his krav maga dislocated the blokes shoulder and pulled it back into place when the police turned up there was no obvious injury even though the bloke was crying in pain
Yeah that's the trouble if the police turn up-- (inspired by you) and you have to explain to them how you overpowered him and whilst making a post burglary snack your "snack and sandwich breville toaster" became clamped around the burglars genutalia.
Not helped by the whimpering burglar going "He's fuckin' mental.....he even waited for the little green light to come on first!"
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hmmm how about gaffa taping one hand to the lawnmower engine and taping the bared EHT lead into his mouth and then just giving it a little pull over every time you fancy a bit of vengeance and a giggle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him!"
I do wonder at the type of training you did that prepares you to wake up suddenly at 3am naked and be ready to win a fight
For the purposes of this thread the intruder is subdued and bound which is fine, the reality of a home invasion is very different.
reasonable force is strike with whatever you have as best you can, you don't know what weapons they have. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him!
I do wonder at the type of training you did that prepares you to wake up suddenly at 3am naked and be ready to win a fight
For the purposes of this thread the intruder is subdued and bound which is fine, the reality of a home invasion is very different.
reasonable force is strike with whatever you have as best you can, you don't know what weapons they have."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm lucky, I don't need to use a weapon thanks to previous training, and I would prefer to do it empty-handed so the law cant try and do me for "using excessive force".... although, when they scrape whats left of any intruder of my floor, they may have cause to wonder what the hell hit him!
I do wonder at the type of training you did that prepares you to wake up suddenly at 3am naked and be ready to win a fight
For the purposes of this thread the intruder is subdued and bound which is fine, the reality of a home invasion is very different.
reasonable force is strike with whatever you have as best you can, you don't know what weapons they have. "
I'm on here at 3 perving so I'd be ready to beat him to death with my hard on. |
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Tie his hands together behind his back,
Tie his feet together,
Tie his feet to his hands, but in a stress position, then tie a rope from his hands to his neck.
He moves too much he kills himself.
Alternatively tie the person down over some freely planted bamboo, leave a week. The bamboo will grow through the person, very slow, very painful. |
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After a spate of burglaries in the local area, the police called at a mates door and asked if they had seen anything suspicious.... He said all he had seen was a couple of lads in fancy dress style, stripey jumpers, masks and 'swag' bags....the police told him in so many words to stop taking the p...
They called back two days later....two blokes in fancy dress had been burgling the area....
Without them knowing, I would tie a bungee rope to their feet and push them off a bridge again and again |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have enough bloody dogs.
If I got burgled, I'd feel a tad let down, to be honest, since a fucking squirrel sets them off..."
Yeah but the squire doesn't bring them biscuits |
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By *rozacMan
over a year ago
london |
Stick a hose up their bum and turn on the helium, then write 'danger! I burgle houses!' all over them and leave them floating around like a balloon tied to a lamppost.
And give them an unhappy slapping. The cheeky cheeksters. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Tie his hands together behind his back,
Tie his feet together,
Tie his feet to his hands, but in a stress position, then tie a rope from his hands to his neck.
He moves too much he kills himself.
Alternatively tie the person down over some freely planted bamboo, leave a week. The bamboo will grow through the person, very slow, very painful. "
I refer to my previous post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Might be good to use the hog tie and gag...then invite every dom on this site to do what ever they want to them...let's see how they would feel when they've had every bit of themselves they thought private and safe invaded and defiled over and over again.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have enough bloody dogs.
If I got burgled, I'd feel a tad let down, to be honest, since a fucking squirrel sets them off...
Yeah but the squire doesn't bring them biscuits "
Get YOU Ramsay Bolton |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Anyone stupid enough to try and break into Lucifer's house would want to remember to call the authorities before they do it and hope they get there first.....
Mx |
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