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By *empnbunk OP Couple
over a year ago
south coast |
There was a knock on my door this morning and a voice shouted, "Drugs squad! L.S.D. raid!"
i thot WOW!! a talking door, how cool is that 
I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region.
Much like my wife. 
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
Just stuck a small chocolate egg up my bum.
Kinder Suprised myself
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By *empnbunk OP Couple
over a year ago
south coast |
I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over.
My wife was not impressed and said, "How about finishing me off now?"
So I smothered her with my pillow.
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By *empnbunk OP Couple
over a year ago
south coast |
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There was a knock on my door this morning and a voice shouted, "Drugs squad! L.S.D. raid!"
i thot WOW!! a talking door, how cool is that
I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region.
Much like my wife.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
Just stuck a small chocolate egg up my bum.
Kinder Suprised myself
"
You sure you aren't gay really ? lmao   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke playing darts gets double top with his first arrow, double top with his second, wildly misses with his last throw and kills a Nun walking past the window. Score-caller shouts "one nun dead and eightyyyy" |
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Family were sat down having tea and just as they were clearing away their son walks in.
Dad says "You're late son, you've missed your tea."
Later that night Dad asks him why he was late home from school and son says "I staayed behind at school and had my first sexual experience."
"Oh said Dad". And with a knowing wink he said "You enjoy yourself son, your tea will always warm up."
Day after, the son arrives home early and asks "Is tea ready, i'm starving?"
Dad says quietly "I thought you might have stayed behind at school again son."
"I thought about it Dad but to be honest , my arse is still a bit sore." |
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When i got home this evening the wife was a bit excited.
"Do you want to see my new tattoo's?"
"What are they" i said.
"A "W" tattooed on each arse cheek" she said as she dropped her pants and bent over.
"WOW" i cried. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Andrew marr and Ryan gigs walk in to a bar..... But I'm not allowed to tell you what happened because of the super injunction "
Ewen McGregor was there too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Found a young lady crying her eyes out in the street today.
I said "what's up"?
She said "Gavins gone".
I said "I'm sorry love, but I don't suffer with heartburn".
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Andrew marr and Ryan gigs walk in to a bar..... But I'm not allowed to tell you what happened because of the super injunction
Ewen McGregor was there too"
now we are going to be sued loud mouth  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Andrew marr and Ryan gigs walk in to a bar..... But I'm not allowed to tell you what happened because of the super injunction
Ewen McGregor was there too
now we are going to be sued loud mouth "
ahh..I just picked a random name out of the air..
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...but she did!!!
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating
agency.
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boyos," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been
bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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My wife is so ungrateful... I bought her a astronauts suit for her birthday but she won't go!
So I said to this girl... "Can I smell your fanny?"
"No you Can't!!!"
"Oh well, it must be you feet then"
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How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
One but you have to slice him very thinly....
My Grandfathr has been suffering with a tropical skin disease,
The doctors suggested we cover him in goose fat to relieve the symptoms,
Unfortunately he went downhill very quickly after that...
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