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The crap jokes thread

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Jeez some threads on here need to lighten up hey?

So g'wan - post your cheesiest crappest jokes here, cheer us up a bit!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go for a wee?

Because the “P” is silent.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

You can do better, I know it...

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By *smCouple  over a year ago

Liskeard

i wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I hate Russian dolls, they are full of themselves.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says. Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"

i wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I hate Russian dolls, they are full of themselves.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says. Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?

"

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

man walks into a bar...ouch

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Guy walks into the butchers carrying a bin bag and says a pound a fillet. The butcher replies, a pound you don't

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By *atcherwankerMan  over a year ago

Birmingham

Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?

He was out standing in his field...

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By *verysmileMan  over a year ago

Canterbury

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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By *urvywelshCouple  over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Two women knocked my door earlier. Answered, and they proceeded to tell me about the virtues of eating brown bread.

They were two hovis witnesses

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS  over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

There is a comedian called Roger Swift who does bad puns, but he delivers them with such enthusiasm and elan that he transforms them into gold.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Ask me if I'm a lorry driver..

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By *2000ManMan  over a year ago

Worthing

What is the best thing to do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

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By *heCuriousCoupleCouple  over a year ago

Costa Del Sol


"

i wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

"

Not sure why I thought this was so funny but it brought tears lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call fake spaghetti?

Impasta...

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By *iss.HoneyWoman  over a year ago

...


"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

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By *axandbooCouple  over a year ago

Bristol

I was shopping for a power tool, Then got hit over the head "bosch"

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Ask me if I'm a lorry driver.."

Are you a lorry driver?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Do convicts talk to each other on cell phones?

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them...

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

What did the Kinky frog say?

Rubbit

.

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his bottom ..

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By *elson61Man  over a year ago

WELWYN GARDEN CITY

I'm feeling totally embarrassed....My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out! OMG

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By *lutandhubbyCouple  over a year ago

west midlands

I was awoken early by two coppers knocking on my door, they said "There's been a serious crime in the area and we are just looking for leads."

I replied "It's near Bradford, now fuck-off you pair of twats!"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonky

Mrs x

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call an indian karaoke singer?

Gerupta singh

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

....two guys at the bar boasting about their sex lives.one said to the other "i had sex last night with two sexy identical twins"."how could you tell them apart?" Said the other."one was medium built great tits and pussy and the other one had a beard"

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By *osieWoman  over a year ago

Wembley

It is easier to slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness than it is on a Jaguar

[ at the time when Jaguars were known for their poor build quality ]

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Bloke knocked on my door earlier collecting donations for swimming pool in our village.

I gave him a cup of water.....

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By *enard ArgenteMan  over a year ago

London and France

Two cannibals eating a clown;

" does this taste funny to you?"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What did saint Patrick say to the snakes when he drove them out of Ireland.

Are you all alright in the back

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Why did the cow cross the road

Coz she was stapled to lady Gagas

dress

That happened though

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Whats leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

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