FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Left behind...

Left behind...

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

So this is a weird and a bit of a deep and meaningful one. I think I'm pondering and maybe after a bit of advice.

My best friend and I have been pretty much inseparable for 10 years. We've been through everything together, we have very different ideas and dreams but it's never been an issue. She had her daughter almost 6 years ago (I was her birthing partner)and quickly shaked up with a man (now her husband) obviously things changed which of course is cool and I do alot of the childcare because I'm freelance, again, not a problem as Im not keen on having kids so she's my pretend child!

It's just I realise now that we rarely do stuff anymore just the two of us. We havnt been out on the piss for 7 years! I asked her to come and keep me company at work last night (I'm a barmaid) and she made an excuse, even when I pulled the 'I watched you give birth' card. Thing is nothings changed for her... she's got a bloke to hang out with, she can talk to him at 2 in the morning, she doesn't need to come and keep me company like she used too because she's got something better.

Has anyone else had this? She's like my sister and I've explained how I feel but she just makes excuses.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

That sounded more moany than it meant too!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Life gets in the way. She probs just prefers family life now. You can hold it against her.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

awww i find it sad that you have lost your buddy - youre obviously understanding of the fact she has man and child but for her to exclude you so much is upsetting - have cuddles xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes. A friend I knew since I was 18.

He called, we went out. I called on his, we went out.

He moved to a town 30 mins drive away. The calls exams less frequent, and then stopped. Just the odd text on birthdays, and saw each other when he came home to visit family, or I was passing his.

Then realised we hadn't spoke for 5 yrs.

I called him and invited him out. 'Excuses'

I didn't see him at my 40th. He was invited.

Friends move on with their own lives, just as we do.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I realise everyone moves on and that, I don't feel I've lost her I just feel shes being a bit fucking selfish seeing as I help her have the life she's wants, for example her husband wouldn't be able to play golf all the time if they had to pay for almost 7 weeks of nusary fees over the summer holiday. I had her almost everyday and she can't be arsed to come and cheer me up at work, it's just a bit off.

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By *ustfortonightMan over a year ago

Kent

I've been in your friends shoes (single again now).

And sometimes it's easy not to notice how little you see someone. I wouldn't say I lost touch with my friends, but we didn't hang out the way we used to.

Maybe there a way you can rewire your friendship. She has other commitments so clubbing probably won't be top of her list. But surely there are ways that you can fit into the life she has now (she has to have now).

Have them both over for dinner, maybe with a male friend who can chat awkwardly to her husband while you two catch up. (I've been in that situation too) it gets easier.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Yes. A friend I knew since I was 18.

He called, we went out. I called on his, we went out.

He moved to a town 30 mins drive away. The calls exams less frequent, and then stopped. Just the odd text on birthdays, and saw each other when he came home to visit family, or I was passing his.

Then realised we hadn't spoke for 5 yrs.

I called him and invited him out. 'Excuses'

I didn't see him at my 40th. He was invited.

Friends move on with their own lives, just as we do.

I see what you mean but I havnt (I haven't got a life either) that's why i need her a bit at the moment. It's just everyone gets so used to me being independent and capable when I ask for help they don't seem to believe me!

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By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"I realise everyone moves on and that, I don't feel I've lost her I just feel shes being a bit fucking selfish seeing as I help her have the life she's wants, for example her husband wouldn't be able to play golf all the time if they had to pay for almost 7 weeks of nusary fees over the summer holiday. I had her almost everyday and she can't be arsed to come and cheer me up at work, it's just a bit off."
yes it is, you need to back off a bit and see if she misses you. i did that, same situation after 10 years..still asked to do things i did, but she wouldn't spend time doing fun stuff..because of a man...lasted about 3 months..and now i say no more and its got onto a new footing x hugs to you.its thoughtless and i hope you can adjust with no major fall out x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I've been in your friends shoes (single again now).

And sometimes it's easy not to notice how little you see someone. I wouldn't say I lost touch with my friends, but we didn't hang out the way we used to.

Have them both over for dinner, maybe with a male friend who can chat awkwardly to her husband while you two catch up. (I've been in that situation too) it gets easier."

I'm very much in her life, it's just more like a nanny than her best friend. It's a bit like I've got a supporting role in her life so it runs smoothly. I'd just really like her to help me be the star of mine sometimes

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

Tell her straight how you feel

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel"

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him "

Then walk away

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him "

He's a lazy twat, he has plenty of opportunities but he prefers to go on golf holidays with his mates rather than take his family away

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe back off a bit with the childcare. She may realise she was taking you for granted.

I'd at least have a proper chat with her and tell her how you feel.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

Then walk away"

She's like my sister, why would I walk away from her and her daughter? They mean rather alot to me!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Family comes before friends in my opinion

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By *anky_PankyWoman over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

I've been there and it's more than once ended in some resentment...

Talk to her, tell her how you are feeling as she probably has no clue and won't unless you front it out. She's your best friend - she will understand when you explain xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Maybe back off a bit with the childcare. She may realise she was taking you for granted.

I'd at least have a proper chat with her and tell her how you feel.

She knows she takes me for granted and I do chat to her about it but it makes no difference, and yes I should stop the childcare but her daughter is so used to me now it would disrupt her.

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

Then walk away

She's like my sister, why would I walk away from her and her daughter? They mean rather alot to me!"

If you have told her and she is not prepared to give you back what you seek, put up with it or change the dynamic, or walk away

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Family comes before friends in my opinion"

We are family.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him "

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

Then walk away

She's like my sister, why would I walk away from her and her daughter? They mean rather alot to me!

If you have told her and she is not prepared to give you back what you seek, put up with it or change the dynamic, or walk away "

It's not quite as simple as that but thank you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe back off a bit with the childcare. She may realise she was taking you for granted.

I'd at least have a proper chat with her and tell her how you feel.

She knows she takes me for granted and I do chat to her about it but it makes no difference, and yes I should stop the childcare but her daughter is so used to me now it would disrupt her."

kids cope with far more than not seeing someone quite a much

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

Then walk away

She's like my sister, why would I walk away from her and her daughter? They mean rather alot to me!

If you have told her and she is not prepared to give you back what you seek, put up with it or change the dynamic, or walk away

It's not quite as simple as that but thank you

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit "

I do try, but she gets all upset that I'm cross with her.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit

I do try, but she gets all upset that I'm cross with her. "

ok tough love time - shes playing you - having her cake and eating it - if you had a life of your own that involved a lot less of hers she might be different --

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Don't mean this as rude .but uv asked for advice and people have told you .to walk away. Mabey see if she comes running..sounds like ur being used .and ur not faimily .she has a faimily and isn't including you in it...man up .Loads more lassies to be paid with out there

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Maybe back off a bit with the childcare. She may realise she was taking you for granted.

I'd at least have a proper chat with her and tell her how you feel.

She knows she takes me for granted and I do chat to her about it but it makes no difference, and yes I should stop the childcare but her daughter is so used to me now it would disrupt her.

kids cope with far more than not seeing someone quite a much"

Ok, so I'm not saying this in a stroppy way but is this all my fault?? Is this just what people do? As someone else said family comes before friends.. am I not family? Is it normal to chuck friendships away when you get married? I wouldn't know as I've never been married and I havnt got kids etc

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By *ustalittleKinkWoman over a year ago

in the shadows

This recently happened to me so I do see where you're coming from. After a strained few months we have actually stopped chatting for now. I decided I couldn't chase a friendship that was only one way any longer. Feel sad about it but sometimes you need to let go to see if they really value your friendship or just what they can take from you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Family comes before friends in my opinion

We are family. "

Ok, i have family members who i love alot but hardly see anymore.... things get in the way when your situation changes. It's just a part of life.

Hope you can find abit of happiness with her

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Don't mean this as rude .but uv asked for advice and people have told you .to walk away. Mabey see if she comes running..sounds like ur being used .and ur not faimily .she has a faimily and isn't including you in it...man up .Loads more lassies to be pals with out there

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe back off a bit with the childcare. She may realise she was taking you for granted.

I'd at least have a proper chat with her and tell her how you feel.

She knows she takes me for granted and I do chat to her about it but it makes no difference, and yes I should stop the childcare but her daughter is so used to me now it would disrupt her.

kids cope with far more than not seeing someone quite a much

of course youre not family - youre a friend albeit a close one -

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit

I do try, but she gets all upset that I'm cross with her.

ok tough love time - shes playing you - having her cake and eating it - if you had a life of your own that involved a lot less of hers she might be different -- "

I agree but I don't, I've had a really shit few years and I'm struggling to put myself back together and I really need my friends because who else can I turn to? The thought of dealing with it all entirely on my own is terrifying. I realise I probably will have to but I don't really want to.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe back off a bit with the childcare. She may realise she was taking you for granted.

I'd at least have a proper chat with her and tell her how you feel.

She knows she takes me for granted and I do chat to her about it but it makes no difference, and yes I should stop the childcare but her daughter is so used to me now it would disrupt her."

Well if you know that she knows she's taking you for granted then I don't know what to suggest.

I wasn't saying you should cut all contact or stop looking after her girl completely, just gradually wean yourself away.

One thing I do know having just split with someone is that she no longer feels the way I do. You can't change how she feels.

Sorry not very helpful I know

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Unfortunately partners and children change things. I did the marriage and kids thing quite early on in life, now single and all my mates are doing the settling down thing and it's almost impossible to get together with them as 'something' always comes up. Like it did several years ago when they were single and I wasn't.

Just one of those things. Just need to appreciate people in relationships and with kids can't do things at the drop of alt he hat and it now takes a months planning to meet up for a bloody pint!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit

I do try, but she gets all upset that I'm cross with her.

ok tough love time - shes playing you - having her cake and eating it - if you had a life of your own that involved a lot less of hers she might be different --

do you not have any other friends beside this one lady

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You're probably not going to like my response, but I'm only being honest because you've asked for opinions...

From what I've read, you sound like the third wheel in their relationship. I get that you help with childcare and you love your friend dearly, but you sound quite jealous and resentful towards the husband/boyfriend? It's not nice, but unfortunately for you (and many others who experience this), people move on. Relationships change, and priorities change. Whether you consider yourself "family" or not, your friend's priorities now are her actual family, ie her partner and child.

Like a previous poster has said, if you've raised these issues with her and she is telling you things will not change, then you need to wake up to that. Either put up with it, or move on too. Friendships go through different phases, there's no point trying to cling on to the past.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS over a year ago

Central

You can only communicate with her and ideally when you're in a calm state of mind - rather than reacting to something.

Habits can become ingrained, so it's partly about creating new ones - as well as being open in your communication differently to before.

Take small steps at a time. And don't do anything under the unspoken rule of some payback or debt.

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By *herbert fountainWoman over a year ago

Hanley

Seems to me that you are too busy making her life good to have a life of your own. I wouldn't stop the childcare altogether because as you said, you have become a major part of the child's life. But you also need to look after yourself. You need to have fun and if your friend is not able to help you do that then you owe it to yourself to get out there and enjoy yourself. Start by having one day completely to yourself, doing what you want. Don't be at her beck and call. Gradually increase it and stop letting them take you for granted. You seem like a nice person, time to be nice to yourself for a change x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit

I do try, but she gets all upset that I'm cross with her.

ok tough love time - shes playing you - having her cake and eating it - if you had a life of your own that involved a lot less of hers she might be different --

do you not have any other friends beside this one lady"

Not really, I work every hour I can and my other friends have partners kids etc, same sort of story except I just sort of accepted it with them as they've always been a bit userish. I'd love to meet new people but I just don't have time, I'm single and I have a home to pay for and a business to run, and I'm trying to make myself better (not terribly successfully but at least I'm still trying!!)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

there is also another way of looking at this - love and caring doesnt have to be a two way thing - giving to receive and all that - your friend obviously has all she needs in the way she wants at the mo - but now you need you cannot 'expect' her to give it back - if she cant/wont - not sure ive worded that well

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

i posteed this and not showing so try again - maybe just maybe you are trying too hard for her - let go a little bit

I do try, but she gets all upset that I'm cross with her.

ok tough love time - shes playing you - having her cake and eating it - if you had a life of your own that involved a lot less of hers she might be different --

do you not have any other friends beside this one lady

there is part of the problem - too much of your time invested in them and not yourself

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"there is also another way of looking at this - love and caring doesnt have to be a two way thing - giving to receive and all that - your friend obviously has all she needs in the way she wants at the mo - but now you need you cannot 'expect' her to give it back - if she cant/wont - not sure ive worded that well"

I know what you mean, I've always attracted people that take and thats it. I am a bit of a soft touch, I don't think I've ever had someone thats just my friend so I guess ive slipped into the habit of being useful so people will want me around. It's probably a bit naive to think people will help when they never have before.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hate to say it, but it does sound as if you're being massively taken advantage, by your friend, and her hubby by proxy.

You say he's putting very little into his family, and is jealous of his wife's relationship with you because you put more effort into the family than he does?

But it's you're friend that's allowing him to do that, but it's all good because you're filling the gap?

I'm sorry, but it seems you're friendship is a one way street, all take and no give.

What is it from your friendship that you get? It seems to me it's basically being a nanny?

It's really an awful situation, but think you really need to be hints with yourself about this? X

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i do think you have the answer just need the balls to go ahead - youre stronger than you think you know xxx

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

You are the enabler that helps the situation you don't like to happen

Change that, you may see change

Can't guarantee it will be what you seek.

Invest that time in you, a hobby.

If you can free time for them, you can for you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

*honest not hints.....

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By *orkie321bWoman over a year ago

Nottingham

OP it doesn't matter how good a friend she has been in the past, she sounds like a crap one now.

She is using you and you are allowing it to happen.

You are not helping her as much as you think you are either. By being a free childminder you are enabling her husband to act like an asshole.

You might actually be doing her more of a favour if you do step away for a while. It could force them both into taking a long hard look at their relationship and get their priorities right.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

i do think you have the answer just need the balls to go ahead - youre stronger than you think you know xxx"

I know, I've carried on through everything but I'm starting to wonder what for, I havnt got a family and my friends don't appear to be friends either. It seems a bit hopeless.and of course I'll rally and keep smiling and working and being super reliable and capable but I still don't even know why I'm doing any of it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"You are the enabler that helps the situation you don't like to happen

Change that, you may see change

Can't guarantee it will be what you seek.

Invest that time in you, a hobby.

If you can free time for them, you can for you "

You make a very good point, if I can work and still take care of a child all summer I can spare and hour to do something different.

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

"You are the enabler that helps the situation you don't like to happen

Change that, you may see change

Can't guarantee it will be what you seek.

Invest that time in you, a hobby.

If you can free time for them, you can for you

You make a very good point, if I can work and still take care of a child all summer I can spare and hour to do something different. "

good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank you for all your advice xx

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman over a year ago
Forum Mod

My Own Little World

"Tell her straight how you feel

I have she says it's difficult because her husband is jealous of me because I put more into her family than him

Then walk away

She's like my sister, why would I walk away from her and her daughter? They mean rather alot to me!

If you have told her and she is not prepared to give you back what you seek, put up with it or change the dynamic, or walk away "

Exactly this.

You know she is using you, I know you wouldn't use those words but that is how it is coming across, and she knows she is using you and doesn't seem to care.

So your choices are carry on being used as free childcare or take a step back. I don't mean walk away but it is ok to sometimes say no, after all she did say no to you the other night. Don't be so readily available.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You are the enabler that helps the situation you don't like to happen

Change that, you may see change

Can't guarantee it will be what you seek.

Invest that time in you, a hobby.

If you can free time for them, you can for you

You make a very good point, if I can work and still take care of a child all summer I can spare and hour to do something different.

good luck"

_iew you always put what people say in 200 in 20 - like that xxx

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

"You are the enabler that helps the situation you don't like to happen

Change that, you may see change

Can't guarantee it will be what you seek.

Invest that time in you, a hobby.

If you can free time for them, you can for you

You make a very good point, if I can work and still take care of a child all summer I can spare and hour to do something different.

good luck

_iew you always put what people say in 200 in 20 - like that xxx"

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

People change because their circumstances change and they may have a different outlook and attitude to life than they once did. You'll always have a friend but not always in the same way you once were. It's about acceptance...I think.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So this is a weird and a bit of a deep and meaningful one. I think I'm pondering and maybe after a bit of advice.

Has anyone else had this? She's like my sister and I've explained how I feel but she just makes excuses."

Im the same since my best mate and i found partners we see each other twice a year now but still text when we can

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By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

you arent her partner..you will always be usurped for a partner however crap they are..that's the long and the short of it..do what you want with your life..if you do things do it as a gift, but dont expect to be top of the pile, cos you wont be xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So this is a weird and a bit of a deep and meaningful one. I think I'm pondering and maybe after a bit of advice.

Has anyone else had this? She's like my sister and I've explained how I feel but she just makes excuses."

I've had similar happen with my bestie of over 20years. I come to the conclusion that we've just be one different people over the years. Sad but it happens. I feel for you but don't dwell on it Hun .its life.

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By *akeyousmile30Man over a year ago

greenwich

"So this is a weird and a bit of a deep and meaningful one. I think I'm pondering and maybe after a bit of advice.

Has anyone else had this? She's like my sister and I've explained how I feel but she just makes excuses."

Children change everything give it time and if you have been that close it will return.

People with out kids often do not realise how exhausting it is!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"So this is a weird and a bit of a deep and meaningful one. I think I'm pondering and maybe after a bit of advice.

Has anyone else had this? She's like my sister and I've explained how I feel but she just makes excuses.

Thank you x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"So this is a weird and a bit of a deep and meaningful one. I think I'm pondering and maybe after a bit of advice.

Has anyone else had this? She's like my sister and I've explained how I feel but she just makes excuses.

Children change everything give it time and if you have been that close it will return.

People with out kids often do not realise how exhausting it is!!"
I do know given I look after her child a massive percentage of the time.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm sorry hun but she's using you. I've had the same situation. I was good friends with a family spent most od my time with them. Ended up caring for their elderly father and autistic son because "I knew them so well". Our dynamic changed and I felt I was the highered help instead of a close friend. I made the mistake of confiding in a mutual friend instead of talking to them directly. The mutual friend told her but inebriated it all. We had a big argument. I lost a very good family of close friends and a young boy I treated as my own.

My advice is speak to her sit her down tell her all your feeling honestly. If she is still a true friend she will stop taking you for granted. If not well it's going to hurt you will grieve like she has died but in the long run it will make you a stronger woman. Xxx

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