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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Anyone got any new jokes... this is an oldie but I still think its funny
A couple are in bed and the man farts and says 1-0.
His wife then farts and shouts 1-1.
man farts again 2-1 .
Wife farts 2-2 she cries
Man farts again but follows through and shits the bed.
WTF did you do that for says the wife.
Half time says the husband change sides  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk? |
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I saw two council workmen working their way along the street.
One was digging holes, the other following on behind filling them in again.
I asked what they were doing.
He said, normally there is three of us, but the guy who puts the trees in hasn't turned up today.
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Masochist - "Hit me, Hit me!"
Sadist - "No!"
Ah!
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality."
People into auto-erotic asphyxiation eh? They want stringing up |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I saw two council workmen working their way along the street.
One was digging holes, the other following on behind filling them in again.
I asked what they were doing.
He said, normally there is three of us, but the guy who puts the trees in hasn't turned up today.
"
( ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Q... Is Google male or female?
A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!
Sorry I'll get my coat  |
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"Q... Is Google male or female?
A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!
Sorry I'll get my coat "
HaHa
You followed her example when bending over for a photo   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Q... Is Google male or female?
A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!
Sorry I'll get my coat
HaHa
You followed her example when bending over for a photo "
Of corse lol  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Word on the street is that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy
Seven dwarves are all in bed feeling happy, he told them to stop so they all started to feel grumpy"
... Did grumpy kick off then? |
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"Q... Is Google male or female?
A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!
Sorry I'll get my coat
HaHa
You followed her example when bending over for a photo
Of corse lol "
Hmmm Our kind of girl |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
"
I shouldn't have laughed really but I like that. |
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"My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
I shouldn't have laughed really but I like that. "
How about...
My friend said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” So, I threw a dictionary at his face.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
I shouldn't have laughed really but I like that.
How about...
My friend said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” So, I threw a dictionary at his face.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A burglar is in a house...having away with computer and DVD when he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". He freezes but after a couple of minutes silence he goes on about his work....again he hears "Jesus is watching you".
Again he stopping his tracks.....a pause and nothing....so he starts again. A third time he hears the voice repeating the same thing.
This time he puts the light on and sees a parrot. "Who said that" the burglar asks. "It was me, Moses." Says the parrot.
The burglar laughs and asks "what kind of people call a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies....."The same kind that call their Rotweiller Jesus"..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A burglar is in a house...having away with computer and DVD when he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". He freezes but after a couple of minutes silence he goes on about his work....again he hears "Jesus is watching you".
Again he stopping his tracks.....a pause and nothing....so he starts again. A third time he hears the voice repeating the same thing.
This time he puts the light on and sees a parrot. "Who said that" the burglar asks. "It was me, Moses." Says the parrot.
The burglar laughs and asks "what kind of people call a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies....."The same kind that call their Rotweiller Jesus"....."
 |
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My wife died three years ago when a delivery driver for Heinz ran a red light and ploughed into her car.
Since that day, I've never been able to eat that particular brand of soup. It just dribbles out the sides of my grin.. |
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"It's times like these I wish we lived abroad." I said to my wife staring out of the front window.
"Yeah, the weathers SHIT isn't it?" She replied.
"Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the fucking drive!" |
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By *ot40sCouple
over a year ago
birmingham |
"I saw two council workmen working their way along the street.
One was digging holes, the other following on behind filling them in again.
I asked what they were doing.
He said, normally there is three of us, but the guy who puts the trees in hasn't turned up today.
"
I will probably get shot but did you miss the irish bit out of your joke lol !! |
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A man wakes up after an operation on his knee and a trainee nurse happens by and comes to check on him.
Still a little drowsy, he beckons the nurse over:
"Excuse me nurse, are my testicles black?"
"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure they're not" replied the nurse.
The man, now looking a little uncomfortable, asks "Please, can you check if my testicles are black? I would really like to know."
Not quite sure what to do, the nurse lifts up the bed sheet, checks his left testicle and then checks his right testicle. Both appear to be completely normal. She then replaces the bed sheet and says with a smile:
"Your testicles look fine to me, sir".
"Thank you" the man replies. "Now, come here and listen very carefully. ARE...MY...TEST...RESULTS...BACK?" |
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A pretty young Nurse strides down the hall of a Retirement Home. She spots an elderly Gentleman of 90 years strolling with the help of a walking cane.
"Excuse me Mr. Smith" she asks. "Could you help me for a moment. In our classes, we've been studying a new technique which I'm trying to perfect for my exams"
"Of course Nurse Goodbody, I'd be delighted to help you, what do I need to do"?
"Well" the young Nurse stumbles uncomfortably, "it's a new technique, I'm actually training to assess your age by manually fondling your testicles. Would you be willing to see how accurate I am"?
Mr Smith scratches his chin & nods in the affirmative.
Nurse Goodbody expertly unzips his trousers & gently takes his balls, rolling them in her fingers & gives them a slight squeeze, all to the gentleman's delight.
Placing his testicles back inside his trousers & zipping him securely, she steps back & ponders the diagnosis.
" After the initial examination, I can assuredly determine, you're 90 years old" she confidently exclaims.
"That's amazing" Mr. Smith is dumbfounded! "How did you do that? How did you know"?
Nurse Goodbody was smiling proudly, "Ah, it was easy, you told me yesterday". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's the difference between a catholic priest and a zit??? A least a zit will wait until your 13 too come on your face "
I was walking In Belfast when a car came round the corner and hit a young lad leaving him unconscious ,a woman screamed out 'somebody send for the priest' and a man shouted back 'for fucks sake he's nearly dying I think sex will be the last thing on his mind' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69, Paddy's never done one before so Mary say's she will show him how. She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts. Apologizing she tries again but farts again. Paddy jumps up and storms off yelling "I'll be fucked if i'm hanging around for 67 more of them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says ... and disappears.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lady with small breasts suggests to her husband that they dip into the savings for a breast enlargement procedure.
"How much is it?" He asks.
"Only three thousand pounds" she replies.
He leaves the room and returns after a moment.
He presents his wife with two folded sheets of toilet paper and tells her to rub the paper between her breasts every morning.
If she does, he tells her, her breasts will grow bigger everyday.
"How is that going to work?!" She demands.
He shrugged and answered "I don't know but it worked on your arse"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two Men Were Talking.....
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex"
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy goes to the doctors with burnt feet the doctor asks "paddy how did you burn your feet?" Paddy replies "cooking peas doc" the doctor looks puzzled and asks " how can you burn your feet cooking peas?" Paddy replies "well doc on the can it said to cook stand in boiling water for ten minutes" |
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By *eesideMan
over a year ago
margate sumwear by the sea |
BLOND JOKE
IF U DONT LIKE BLOND JOKS DONT REED IT !
so this blond hot lady bords a plan to the U.S.A and sits in 1st Clars seets.
The sturdess ses im sorrey madom you can't sit hear as you only have a 2nd clars tikit.
The ladey ses im blond im buterfall and im sitting hear.
The sturdess ses im sorrey but u cant sit hear its not for 2nd clars tikits and you have to move.
The ladey ses im blond and buterfall and im not moving till this plan gets to the U.S.A
the sturdess then gos to the pilout and explans wots going on.
The pilout ses don't worry my wife is blond I no how to handall this.
So the pilout gos to the ladey and quitley ses sumthing in to har ear then all of a suddon the ladey gets up and gos to sit in 2nd clars.
The sturdess ses to the pilout wot did you say ?
The pilout sed.......
I sed that 1st clars seets don't go to the U.S.A |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"BLOND JOKE
IF U DONT LIKE BLOND JOKS DONT REED IT !
so this blond hot lady bords a plan to the U.S.A and sits in 1st Clars seets.
The sturdess ses im sorrey madom you can't sit hear as you only have a 2nd clars tikit.
The ladey ses im blond im buterfall and im sitting hear.
The sturdess ses im sorrey but u cant sit hear its not for 2nd clars tikits and you have to move.
The ladey ses im blond and buterfall and im not moving till this plan gets to the U.S.A
the sturdess then gos to the pilout and explans wots going on.
The pilout ses don't worry my wife is blond I no how to handall this.
So the pilout gos to the ladey and quitley ses sumthing in to har ear then all of a suddon the ladey gets up and gos to sit in 2nd clars.
The sturdess ses to the pilout wot did you say ?
The pilout sed.......
I sed that 1st clars seets don't go to the U.S.A "
I'm severely dyslexic - super that you contributed and it was easy to read, understand and FUNNY X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse
  is that even a joke ??"
Yes, Google verified known old joke
How's that bitter funsuckin victim thing working out for you? Good?
https://www.google.co.uk/search?client=safari&channel=iphone_bm&ei=R_zuV_zMD8XAgAb_7YL4Bg&q=dyslexic+opened+warehouse+&oq=dyslexic+opened+warehouse+&gs_l=mobile-gws-serp.12...12459.34644.0.36089.14.14.0.0.0.0.104.1209.13j1.14.0....0...1c.1.64.mobile-gws-serp..0.6.565...30i10k1.Afr3w16HsXk
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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the dislexic satanist
sold his soul to Santa
Snow white & Cinderella have been thrown out of Disneyland
they where found to be sitting on Pinnochio's
face singing tell me lies tell me sweet little lies.
what is the difference between a Policemans batton & a magicians wand
one is used for cunning stunts
The other ?
My uncle was a great inspiration to me & I always remember the last words he spoke to me crossing the road
Oh Fuck a Bus
What do you call a Scotsman in the second round of the football world cup
A Referee |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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took girl back to parents house and I was in bed with her.she was moaning loudly.shhhh I said u will wake my mum .havnt I got ur own room and bed she asked |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hear about the Scottish woman who caught her husband wanking into a welly
She shouts "hey stop fuckin aboot!"
"
(Nessa )
Hee hee.... aken.
(I liked that one)
Kisses |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"my mate Dave got 775 Valentine's cards this year.fuck knows how they got under the cell door "
don't give up your day job Frankie Boyle has nothing to worry about. |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"BLOND JOKE
IF U DONT LIKE BLOND JOKS DONT REED IT !
so this blond hot lady bords a plan to the U.S.A and sits in 1st Clars seets.
The sturdess ses im sorrey madom you can't sit hear as you only have a 2nd clars tikit.
The ladey ses im blond im buterfall and im sitting hear.
The sturdess ses im sorrey but u cant sit hear its not for 2nd clars tikits and you have to move.
The ladey ses im blond and buterfall and im not moving till this plan gets to the U.S.A
the sturdess then gos to the pilout and explans wots going on.
The pilout ses don't worry my wife is blond I no how to handall this.
So the pilout gos to the ladey and quitley ses sumthing in to har ear then all of a suddon the ladey gets up and gos to sit in 2nd clars.
The sturdess ses to the pilout wot did you say ?
The pilout sed.......
I sed that 1st clars seets don't go to the U.S.A "
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse
Did you hear about the blind whore? You've got to hand it to her."
Did you hear about the deaf whore? No, neither did she. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My first job as a young lad was in a chemist, on the till. On my first day my first customer was an attractive milf. She came up to the till with just a packet of tampons. I went red, the most embarrassed and bumbling sale ever!
After a few months I had got over my terrible start and had settled in to the job with confidence.
One day the same milf came up to the till with a packet of cotton wool.
'Ah' I said, 'I see you're rolling your own these days' |
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By *arksMan
over a year ago
in the centre |
Husband and wife shopping and the husband picks up a 20 pack of lager for a tenner , the wife immediately tells him to put it back as they can't afford it. A bit further round the supermarket she stops and picks up make up and face cream totalling 30 quid " what's that for " he asks. " it makes me look younger and prettier " she replied. Well in that case he said I'll get the lager , it's 20 quid cheaper and does exactly the same thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw a guy stacking shelves in Tesco complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction! |
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A penguin is on holiday in the desert when steam starts to pour out of his car engine.. He makes it to a garage and the mechanic says it'll take half an hour to find the problem..
The penguin decides to cool off and gets an ice cream, being so hot he ends up in a right mess with ice cream all around his face.
When the half an hour is up, he goes and finds the mechanic.. "what's up with the car?"..
"looks like you've blown a seal" says the mechanic
"no I haven't" replies the penguin, "it's just icecream" |
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