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Corporate speak
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Corporate cunts love to say the methodology they used as it sounds more impressive than methods which is the correct word. Methodology is the study of methods which shows how fucking stupid they are in their attemps to impress us. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Let's ensure we're all in synergy before we change the situation paradigm.
That one was actually used by a manager to me and my team, each one of us gave him a look of, just STFU ! |
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"Let's ensure we're all in synergy before we change the situation paradigm.
That one was actually used by a manager to me and my team, each one of us gave him a look of, just STFU !"
Remember, there's no I in team |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm actually a bit annoyed that I wasn't sent the agenda for this thread and I sincerely hope someone is taking the minutes because those are really important |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's the acronyms that do me...the NHS is rife with them...I bet the TWAT that dreams them up earns my entire salary in a week"
So many of them have sexual meanings too, I'm always the only one in the room giggling at Delivery Assurance Plan (DAP) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ugghh the corporate bullshit 
I work for a huge company and the managers can't seem to understand the concept of Murphy's law and won't accept that something will go wrong eventually |
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By *bovethekneeCouple
over a year ago
Hampshire / Herefordshire |
"Let's ensure we're all in synergy before we change the situation paradigm.
That one was actually used by a manager to me and my team, each one of us gave him a look of, just STFU !
Remember, there's no I in team"
But there is in winner. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Corporate cunts love to say the methodology they used as it sounds more impressive than methods which is the correct word. Methodology is the study of methods which shows how fucking stupid they are in their attemps to impress us."
The methodology of your statement needs certainty going forward. |
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"Let's ensure we're all in synergy before we change the situation paradigm.
That one was actually used by a manager to me and my team, each one of us gave him a look of, just STFU !
Remember, there's no I in team"
There is me  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think I'd stay long at a company that encouraged this kind of bullshit tbh, but...
"I know lets have a meeting about a meeting "
This one really pisses me off! |
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"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?"
The KPI is that everything is in SLA and that the quality is above 90%
(From my call centre days) |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?"
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
The KPI is that everything is in SLA and that the quality is above 90%
(From my call centre days)"
Which QAS are we using to assess the 90%?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This thread is delivering a powerful message.
Also, does anyone else automatically hear HOTWIFING when someone says HOTDESKING? Or am I the only pervert in this office? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school. 
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself  |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
"
I think perhaps we should engage with some key stakeholders first? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
"
Are you applying this to EMEA, BRICK & MINT too....?! |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself "
"My name's Courtney, and I'm a swinger" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself "
My name is Roxi & I'm on FabSwingers ~ Fancy a Fuck... |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"This thread is delivering a powerful message.
Also, does anyone else automatically hear HOTWIFING when someone says HOTDESKING? Or am I the only pervert in this office?"
You're the only one.
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself "
Did you use Playdough or Lego? If not, you were robbed. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
I think perhaps we should engage with some key stakeholders first? "
I'll get Stakeholder Engagement to put something together.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
Are you applying this to EMEA, BRICK & MINT too....?!"
I've applied it to APAC, not sure what MINT is though.
Gotta love the BRIC economies, disposal income powerhouses that they are |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In a meeting.. Ideas they have no answer to are written on post it notes on flip chart paper.
The flip chart paper is headed up "car park".
I die a bit every time I hear it. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
Are you applying this to EMEA, BRICK & MINT too....?!"
MINT isn't ready for this. Stick to BRIC for now and consider FIGS.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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On a similar note...I hate words that are completely made up...yesterday I saw the word Healthful on a poster about veganism...for fucks sake it's fucking Healthy you millet eating hippies! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself
Did you use Playdough or Lego? If not, you were robbed. "
Playdough. How did you know?!?  |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself
Did you use Playdough or Lego? If not, you were robbed.
Playdough. How did you know?!? "
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By *entenTeaCouple
over a year ago
Buckley North Wales |
On the basis of the TIP (tactical implementation plan) We will establish an MFT (multifunctional team), led by a six sigma blackbelt the will undertake a series of bench marking visits to underpin and fule a Iskikawa analysis of the challanges along side a Pareto Analysis with and crosspolinated with outputs from a FMEA. This will result in a redifition of the fundamental modus operandi in line with DIAMC philsophy. The KPI will be an trend revesal of the Cp / Cpk indicies. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"On the basis of the TIP (tactical implementation plan) We will establish an MFT (multifunctional team), led by a six sigma blackbelt the will undertake a series of bench marking visits to underpin and fule a Iskikawa analysis of the challanges along side a Pareto Analysis with and crosspolinated with outputs from a FMEA. This will result in a redifition of the fundamental modus operandi in line with DIAMC philsophy. The KPI will be an trend revesal of the Cp / Cpk indicies."
You win!!; |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself
Did you use Playdough or Lego? If not, you were robbed. "
We used Lego in a recent training course to learn Agile and Scrum methodologies ?? |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I went to one of those new age type meetings (my office hired a private company for it) where everyone is supposed to get creative and network...We had to draw a picture of where we get most of our "big ideas." And we had to do group brainstorming. It's like pre-school.
Now everyone, say your name and something interesting about yourself
Did you use Playdough or Lego? If not, you were robbed.
We used Lego in a recent training course to learn Agile and Scrum methodologies ?? "
Wouldn't Minecraft have been better for your team?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In a meeting.. Ideas they have no answer to are written on post it notes on flip chart paper.
The flip chart paper is headed up "car park".
I die a bit every time I hear it."
None of them have gone back to them, ever, always "running over so lets put this to bed now and revisit another time "... fucking useless cos you'll never be allowed to ask again  ...
xx
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
I'm not sure we're ready for an SLA, we should probably consider an MOU just to cover us.
Are you applying this to EMEA, BRICK & MINT too....?!
I've applied it to APAC, not sure what MINT is though.
Gotta love the BRIC economies, disposal income powerhouses that they are "
Heads will roll re BRIC auto carrot not picked up!!
(MINT ~ Mexico, India, Nigeria, Turkey)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"On the basis of the TIP (tactical implementation plan) We will establish an MFT (multifunctional team), led by a six sigma blackbelt the will undertake a series of bench marking visits to underpin and fule a Iskikawa analysis of the challanges along side a Pareto Analysis with and crosspolinated with outputs from a FMEA. This will result in a redifition of the fundamental modus operandi in line with DIAMC philsophy. The KPI will be an trend revesal of the Cp / Cpk indicies.
You win!!;"
and despite all that bollox they still wont actually fix what's not working (usually their own appalling management and complete failure of delivering any contribution to anything)
xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?"
Far too many tla's there for me |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"What KPIs did you set for this thread, OP?
Is there an SLA already in place. Which business partner should we reach out to?
Far too many tla's there for me "
Would you prefer a FLA instead. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When The Office was first shown there were _iewers who thought it was a documentary on a real company which initially made people laugh... reading this thread it just proves so many have worked for the real life David Brents of the world  ...
xx |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"When The Office was first shown there were _iewers who thought it was a documentary on a real company which initially made people laugh... reading this thread it just proves so many have worked for the real life David Brents of the world ...
xx"
David Brent would struggle with it all now.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When The Office was first shown there were _iewers who thought it was a documentary on a real company which initially made people laugh... reading this thread it just proves so many have worked for the real life David Brents of the world ...
xx
David Brent would struggle with it all now.
"
will find out in new film; -)...
xx |
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There's also the new age corporate that wants to adopt the digital made up bullshit marketing buzzwords
Omnichannel, Martech, adtech, ROI
We had some luddite c level execs thinking that using snapchat and instagram would improve their digital knowledge.
More like the CEO sending pics of his cock to the HR director
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hi "all"
Let's dial in the numbers here. Our verification results for the first quarter for single males is way off target and down 40% year on year. I want a root and branch analysis and a deep dive on this to see what's going on. Going forward, we need to take this team off-site for a day to plan a recovery and increase the hit rate. Let's get all of the team to go through psychometric testing and after that train the the ones who have potential and cull the weaker ones. If you are not prepared to fire the weak, be prepared to be fired yourself.
If we are going to make this work then those with the biggest balls win.
Let's get out there and secure the beachhead, capture the low hanging fruit and fuck the competition over a barrel.
L |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi "all"
Let's dial in the numbers here. Our verification results for the first quarter for single males is way off target and down 40% year on year. I want a root and branch analysis and a deep dive on this to see what's going on. Going forward, we need to take this team off-site for a day to plan a recovery and increase the hit rate. Let's get all of the team to go through psychometric testing and after that train the the ones who have potential and cull the weaker ones. If you are not prepared to fire the weak, be prepared to be fired yourself.
If we are going to make this work then those with the biggest balls win.
Let's get out there and secure the beachhead, capture the low hanging fruit and fuck the competition over a barrel.
L "
Do you have cost certainty on that? I think we need to value engineer the process. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi "all"
Let's dial in the numbers here. Our verification results for the first quarter for single males is way off target and down 40% year on year. I want a root and branch analysis and a deep dive on this to see what's going on. Going forward, we need to take this team off-site for a day to plan a recovery and increase the hit rate. Let's get all of the team to go through psychometric testing and after that train the the ones who have potential and cull the weaker ones. If you are not prepared to fire the weak, be prepared to be fired yourself.
If we are going to make this work then those with the biggest balls win.
Let's get out there and secure the beachhead, capture the low hanging fruit and fuck the competition over a barrel.
L
Do you have cost certainty on that? I think we need to value engineer the process."
The value stream manager is on it as we speak. We need to lean this process, tighten the minimum acceptable metrics for candidates to ensure a strong second quarter. |
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