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Am I over reacting
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Some of you might know that I'm a full time carer for my disabled mum. Very rare do I take time out but on Wednesday I went to Nottingham for the day to visit daughter, leaving my elder sister to look after mum. Had a really nice day. Late afternoon I rang mum to tell her I was making my way home, when she answered the phone she was in tears saying that she had messed herself and been sat in it for quite a while. She had tried ringing my sister on house phone it was going to answer phone and rang her mobile and it wound ring and go to answer phone. I'm panicking and livid so rang my sister and the same thing was happening. So ended up phoning sisters daughter in law to go to her house and tell her what had happened. Sister then rang me said no one had rang either phones but clearly two different people had. Yes I was short and stern on the phone with her. Anyway to cut a long story short she still calling me and mum liars saying we didn't ring and nothing wrong with phones. But I'm fuming as mum shouldn't be left on her own and she had left mum on own. She saying she needed to go home to do jobs and mum was sleeping so thought it ok. No it's not ok. I trusted her to look after mum. All I can think of what if mum was having another stroke, what if she was having chest pains. What would have happened then, I look at the bigger picture but been told I over reacted. Now she is refusing to do me any more FAVOURS -and not look after mum when I need a break. And now she refuses to help me with day to day care of mum until I apologise. I don't think it's me who needs to apologise for anything. She shouldn't have left mum alone.
Am I over reacting and in the wrong?
Sorry it's so long |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Regardless of any other information, if she's neglecting to help your disabled mother to get at you, that's vindictive and indefensible. She sounds immature and self-involved. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not at all. Have you looked into getting some home carers in to help a bit? They could do "sit" calls which would let you have time to do your own thing and you wouldn't have to worry about your mum.
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Without knowing the dynamic between you and your sister I couldn't say.
Caring for elderly parents is a very tough and stressful job and family members NEVER share the burden equally. Is your sister feeling as unappreciated as you are, does your mum treat the two of you differently or play you off against each other?
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Sadly I see this a lot through work & it's very upsetting for all involved.
Is your mum able to attend a day centre for a few hours a week or are her needs too great? Some venues will bathe them & have hairdressers, chiropodists & beauticians go in to pamper them a bit.
Alternatively, but you probably already know, there is respite care which could give you a night or 2 off.
Caring for someone really is the hardest job in the world, even harder when it's someone you love. You can't rely on anyone but yourself xxx |
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I can't comment as I don't know what arrangements were made before you went away.
If you both agreed that your mum must have someone present 24/7 even when sleeping then your sister made a mistake in leaving her.
She could be telling the truth about her phone. Give her the benefit of the doubt on that one. It happens with my mobile often.
Are you a paid full time carer for your mum ? If so then maybe that is what your sister means by 'favour'; her giving her time at no cost to you so that you can escape for an hour or so.
If it was your sister's first time at looking after mum she is bound not to be as good at it as you are so maybe she needs a bit of help and guidance.
Only through talk will understanding come.
Don't hate each other or lose people that could ease the stress.
On the other hand if you've never liked her just punch her fucking lights out and then get over it.
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"I can't comment as I don't know what arrangements were made before you went away.
If you both agreed that your mum must have someone present 24/7 even when sleeping then your sister made a mistake in leaving her.
She could be telling the truth about her phone. Give her the benefit of the doubt on that one. It happens with my mobile often.
Are you a paid full time carer for your mum ? If so then maybe that is what your sister means by 'favour'; her giving her time at no cost to you so that you can escape for an hour or so.
If it was your sister's first time at looking after mum she is bound not to be as good at it as you are so maybe she needs a bit of help and guidance.
Only through talk will understanding come.
Don't hate each other or lose people that could ease the stress.
On the other hand if you've never liked her just punch her fucking lights out and then get over it.
Great advice Granny....till the last bit which made me  "
Equally as another reply states difficult to give opinion not knowing dynamics with sibling.
However reading piece brings back memories of my late mothers few years.
My father took on the brunt of the care. I helped out where and where i could around work.My sibling seem to think it not of there concern, but in all honesty i would,nt of expected it of them.. There personality isn,t geared that way i just would of been worried for my mother in there care.
Its was hard, i,m now seeing the consequences the toll has taken on my father.
I,m a generally caring, unselfish, guy. Though ashamed to admit that i found it hard and often found my self clock watching whilst waiting for my Dad to return from having time to himself as looked after my mother.
No i don,t think your over reacting. Though perhaps you want the best for your mother realistically are you able to provide it. The hardest part is sometimes is to ask for help from outside agencies.Even if its a token bit help just to release the pressure for a short while.
Hope your able to sought things out.
Good luck. |
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"Some of you might know that I'm a full time carer for my disabled mum. Very rare do I take time out but on Wednesday I went to Nottingham for the day to visit daughter, leaving my elder sister to look after mum. Had a really nice day. Late afternoon I rang mum to tell her I was making my way home, when she answered the phone she was in tears saying that she had messed herself and been sat in it for quite a while. She had tried ringing my sister on house phone it was going to answer phone and rang her mobile and it wound ring and go to answer phone. I'm panicking and livid so rang my sister and the same thing was happening. So ended up phoning sisters daughter in law to go to her house and tell her what had happened. Sister then rang me said no one had rang either phones but clearly two different people had. Yes I was short and stern on the phone with her. Anyway to cut a long story short she still calling me and mum liars saying we didn't ring and nothing wrong with phones. But I'm fuming as mum shouldn't be left on her own and she had left mum on own. She saying she needed to go home to do jobs and mum was sleeping so thought it ok. No it's not ok. I trusted her to look after mum. All I can think of what if mum was having another stroke, what if she was having chest pains. What would have happened then, I look at the bigger picture but been told I over reacted. Now she is refusing to do me any more FAVOURS -and not look after mum when I need a break. And now she refuses to help me with day to day care of mum until I apologise. I don't think it's me who needs to apologise for anything. She shouldn't have left mum alone.
Am I over reacting and in the wrong?
Sorry it's so long "
How upsetting. From what you've said it just appears that your sister is a wrong 'un. That's crap.
Hope you manage to make her face up to her responsibilities and stop being so selfish and juvenile! |
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Aww hun i know just how it feels. I'm a full time live in carer for my mum too. I've got 2 siblings who do fuck all. One lives an hour or two drive away and visits a handful of times a year. When they do visit i'm expected to put on a slap up meal and they don't even offer to help wash the dishes after. The other one lives a few miles away and visits once a week for about an hour, usually to ask mum to give them some money. They both have their own homes, holidays etc while i have bugger all. The last holiday i had was in 2008, i don't count the times i took mum away. That's not a holiday for me, my caring responsibilities are just the same, its only the surroundings that are different.
Carers allowance is crap. I get £61 a week. Once anything happens to mum i'm out on the streets, homeless, without a pot to piss in! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not at all. She was there to look after your mum nothing more. You should be able to prove that you phoned her especially from your mobile as it will be in your phone's log and should contain time date and duration.
Hugs |
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By *arkedMan
over a year ago
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No OP you are not over reacting. And it's got NOTHING to do with phones working or not. The fact that she thinks it's ok to leave her mother alone when she'd agreed to mind her is the issue. I'm guessing she intended being back before she was missed so is it possible her reaction is because she's feeling annoyed/guilty at having been 'caught out' and finds it easier to blame the pair of you than to admit she knew she shouldn't have done it and apologise to you both. I hope for all your sakes you can resolve things before it's too late. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Are you classed as her sole carer, or is your sister listed as a carer also? Not sure about your local services but you could get in touch with your local authority for some help due to carer breakdown, or even just for respite so you can have a break.
Also Age UK can be helpful in these matters or a support group/charity specofic to your Mum's condition.
Hope your sister sees sense soon sweetheart, its unfair to leave this on your shoulders xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Get some support and respite for you.
If you can, get yourself down as joint tenant if youre renting. It will help for the future. Citizens advice or Age uk have lots of help. You've jyst got to find it.
You cannot sustain this 24/7 caring alone. |
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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago
West Wales |
I don't mind offending you, Your sisters an arsehole, YOU are the fulltime carer & all she had to do was stay with mum one day so you could have a bit of time off with your daughter, The phones are irrelevant, they shouldn't have been needed as she should have been there with mum. If you know you are doing something for the day how do you get "I needed to do stuff" do the bloody "stuff before or after!
H has been a dementia carer for 14yrs and sees the best & worst in families every day.
xx
S |
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The need for care for a family member often brings out all of the worst in people, and it's even worse if it is personal care that's needed.
The behaviour you describe is unacceptable, but that's what you have to deal with.
It's easy for others to say but you may benefit from getting really belligerent with the system. As others have said seek whatever help is available, be it respite care so you can recharge, home help, day centres, singing groups for Mum, everything.
The first job of a rescuer is not to need rescuing themselves, so you have a responsibility to yourself to keep yourself healthy, so be selfish with everyone but Mum. And don't dismiss professional care, be it at home or in a home, it often improves relationships.
When you ask for help the system smiles and says we will get to you when we can. When you scream and threaten its amazing how much help can appear.
Having been through it I feel for you, good luck. |
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"Some of you might know that I'm a full time carer for my disabled mum. Very rare do I take time out but on Wednesday I went to Nottingham for the day to visit daughter, leaving my elder sister to look after mum. Had a really nice day. Late afternoon I rang mum to tell her I was making my way home, when she answered the phone she was in tears saying that she had messed herself and been sat in it for quite a while. She had tried ringing my sister on house phone it was going to answer phone and rang her mobile and it wound ring and go to answer phone. I'm panicking and livid so rang my sister and the same thing was happening. So ended up phoning sisters daughter in law to go to her house and tell her what had happened. Sister then rang me said no one had rang either phones but clearly two different people had. Yes I was short and stern on the phone with her. Anyway to cut a long story short she still calling me and mum liars saying we didn't ring and nothing wrong with phones. But I'm fuming as mum shouldn't be left on her own and she had left mum on own. She saying she needed to go home to do jobs and mum was sleeping so thought it ok. No it's not ok. I trusted her to look after mum. All I can think of what if mum was having another stroke, what if she was having chest pains. What would have happened then, I look at the bigger picture but been told I over reacted. Now she is refusing to do me any more FAVOURS -and not look after mum when I need a break. And now she refuses to help me with day to day care of mum until I apologise. I don't think it's me who needs to apologise for anything. She shouldn't have left mum alone.
Am I over reacting and in the wrong?
Sorry it's so long "
When caring for someone like your mum, is it possible to over react. Ok the sister can say non of those things actually happened,but they quite of easily could have.
I like the favours bit, never thought looking after your own mum was a favour. After all without your mum's help, she would never have learned to walk, talk or eat with a fork. |
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If you get an itemised phone bill and you got through to your sister's answephone, it will show on your bill. It needn't be done in a confrontational manner, you can just show her that you did make the call. |
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