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The difference between cats and dogs
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
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The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary Day
983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ... |
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By *ebzStarWoman
over a year ago
Notting |
How To Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so
that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too
close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and
run outside where he will dry himself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How To Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so
that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too
close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and
run outside where he will dry himself."
I'm gonna have to make sure my paul doesn't see this otherwise one of my cats will end up in the loo later  |
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By *ebzStarWoman
over a year ago
Notting |
"How To Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.......snip.....
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and
run outside where he will dry himself.
I'm gonna have to make sure my paul doesn't see this otherwise one of my cats will end up in the loo later "
Ha ha ha
He dare to try.....have you seen a cat when it is in danger of getting wet....????
Believe me - he will be worse off...lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Years ago I had a cat with a deformed paw. Three of it's claws operated normally but the fourth was turned 90 degrees so that when it dug it's paws in something fabric, as cats do, the deformed claw shredded everything it touched. I'm positive it had a smile on it's deranged face when it did it.
Our other cat broke it's leg and had to have a plaster cast fitted. It soon worked out that whacking it against the patio window endlessly facilitated it's much earlier entry or exit via said opening as the constant rhythmic 'chunk, chunk, chunk' drove us insane. |
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By *ebzStarWoman
over a year ago
Notting |
Hahahaha
THey are buggers arent they.
Our cat at home ALWAYS knows when i am there staying to come to me to be let out when the whole house is in bed.
She constant me-ows at the best of times, but they are used to her - and i hear her do this...
Up to my sisters room, one meow, into her dads room, one meow, head butts my door open, up on the bed and 1,000,000,000 meows ten times as loud!!!
but at least she doesnt do this..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReVVjPeiky8 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Our one cat is a lazy moggy with an indifferent attitude (seriously) .... the other is a deranged psychotic killer .... we have fields and woodland behind us and nothing is safe from her. It's like the cat version of predator as she brings poor things from the woods and dumps them on the doorstep .... I swear this is true ... once she dragged a rabbit into the garden, not a bunny from the field but a big albino pet rabbit. The rabbit was bigger than the cat!!! Paul put the poor thing in the bin and later that night this person from up the street and knocked at the door with a little girl asking if we had seen an albino rabbit which was her daughters pet and had escaped .... the killer casually walked past ..... Oh the shame  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never owned a pet bigger than hamster, but my last girlfriend had a total of six dogs, and one cat. The dogs included a bloody great Burmese Mountain Dog, a Rotty, and a GSD. But guess which animal owned the place.  |
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By *ebzStarWoman
over a year ago
Notting |
"I've never owned a pet bigger than hamster, but my last girlfriend had a total of six dogs, and one cat. The dogs included a bloody great Burmese Mountain Dog, a Rotty, and a GSD. But guess which animal owned the place. "
The cat of course......;-) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hahahaha
THey are buggers arent they.
Our cat at home ALWAYS knows when i am there staying to come to me to be let out when the whole house is in bed.
She constant me-ows at the best of times, but they are used to her - and i hear her do this...
Up to my sisters room, one meow, into her dads room, one meow, head butts my door open, up on the bed and 1,000,000,000 meows ten times as loud!!!
but at least she doesnt do this..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReVVjPeiky8"
Just watched that |
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By *ebzStarWoman
over a year ago
Notting |
"Hahahaha
THey are buggers arent they.
Our cat at home ALWAYS knows when i am there staying to come to me to be let out when the whole house is in bed.
She constant me-ows at the best of times, but they are used to her - and i hear her do this...
Up to my sisters room, one meow, into her dads room, one meow, head butts my door open, up on the bed and 1,000,000,000 meows ten times as loud!!!
but at least she doesnt do this..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReVVjPeiky8
Just watched that "
There are two or 3 others by same artist - very funny but that one is my fave....lol... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've never owned a pet bigger than hamster, but my last girlfriend had a total of six dogs, and one cat. The dogs included a bloody great Burmese Mountain Dog, a Rotty, and a GSD. But guess which animal owned the place.
The cat of course......;-)"
Call me naive, but I'd never realised just what evil, manipulative, tormenting, cold blooded little bastards they could be. And yet its name was Bagpuss, which was kind of at odds with what I remember of the tv series.
And the little sod always made a bee-line for my lap. "Aww, look, he likes you". No, the little git was sat there digging his claws in. |
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"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary Day
983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ..."
you just know this cat is going to speak in the voice of stewie from family guy dont you ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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its like belsen here no birds fly over our house for fear of rodney our cat obtained from cat rescue in march every day is a new killing day !! i rescued the same bird three times the other day but he had it in the end and olso released a live rabbit from down the side of the fridge only for it to be brought back an hour later dead today ive spent two hours trying to get blood out of the cream carpet the little shit and why was he at cat rescue !! well he had jumped at the door handle opened the door let the dog out on to a busy road where it promptly got killed and you should see him hes the size of a small dog and hes only one but well cute xxxx |
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How to give a cat a pill.
1. prepare your equipment... you will need a towel (large), the pill, and a clear area of floor.
2. Grab the cat, who naturally will have read your mind and know exactly whats going to happen.
3. wrap the cat in the towel.
4. After putting plasters on the scratches, try steps 2 and 3 again, this time with strong leather gloves on.
5. with the wrapped cat in between your legs as you kneel on the floor, open the cats mouth to put the pill in.
6. Retrive cat form the top of the curtains and the pill form the floor, and fetch a straw.
7. Carry out steps and carry out steps 3, 4 and 5 again, but put the pill in the straw and blow it into the cats mouth.
8. Ring the vet to find out if the pill is ok for humans to swallow.
9. Retrieve the cat from behind the sofa, put plasters on the new scratches on the inside of your thighs, and start again, with a new pill.
9. This time wrap the pill in a little sausage meat, and drop it into the cats mouth.
10. After watching the cat eat the sausage meat, retrieve the pill from under the table where the cat has spat it, and try again, this time holding his mouth shut when you drop the pill in his mouth.
11. After finally succeding, release the cat, put yet more plasters on the scratches that he inflicts in leaving... then tidy up the living room, the shreeded cushions, the torn curtains, the broken furniture etc, crack open a beer, and vow to leave it to the vet next time!!
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You could, of course, negate the above mentioned steps and allow the cat to get worms and eventually it will die of it's own accord leaving you scratch free and funiture intact.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ive had rescued dogs all my adult life im a sucker for a sad case lol
i currantly have a rescued otter hound from dogs trust
hes made as a box of frogs but a lot of fun
our last dogs were greyhounds 2 ex racers
a male called mack and a female called di
even though mack had been retired for a few years he stilled loved to chace things much to my disaprovel
and i hate to say but when mack arrived he killed of every cat in the neighbour hood and was nick named the black death
the amount of times i have offered to pay for a neighbours cat at the vets because the cat had been in my garden and mack thiught it was a good idea to rag the cat
oh the shame |
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