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Single Guys Swinging Grand National 2011
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A commentary on negotiating the hurdles contained within a potential suitors profile. A light hearted look the ‘perils’ of ‘swinging’……for me anyway!!!
And they’re off and Friar Bellows leads the charge in the 2011 Single Guys Swingers Grand National taking a firm hold as he approaches the first obstacle and opens up the ‘Browse’ screen.
Friar Bellows safely over the first and racing towards ‘Dickhead’, the first big test, and he pops over that one, a lovely jumper, passes the ‘Dickhead’ test easily and now leads them round to Lechers Brook. No sign of ‘Timewaster’ or ‘Pic Collecter’ who are way back in the field. The outsider ‘Perv’ is lurking halfway back in the field, well covered up. And he’s over that one.
But Friar Bellows is starting to come back to the field as he approaches the famous GroinShavin’ fence. He’s safely over having clipped and shaved some spruce off the top. But there’s a crashing fall, several gone at Groishavin’. ‘Hairy Bollocks’ is a faller, so too is ‘Bumfuzz’ and ‘Pubemeister’ and ‘Cock Forest’ has unseated rider.
And it’s on to the Canal Street Turn and yes the big chestnut has passed the bisexual test. ‘ Straight But Bi But Straight Male’ pricks his ears as they approach and moves up alongside Friar Bellows. A magnificent leap. That’s put a spring in his step as he races down to Valentines. And he took that one early and nearly ploughed in. He took the romantic ‘friendship’ line on the inside rail and that saved him from parting company. ‘Wanna Shag’, ‘Fancy A Fuck’ and ‘CamWank’ are not so lucky and will play no further part. ‘Well Endowed’ and ‘Heavy Cummer’ look totally spent and have both pulled up.
Friar Bellows takes a sharp left hander and continues down the Profile Course to the next big test which is the Open Ditch. And he tip toes over that one without being ditched and proceeds to the next obstacle known as the Smooth. He’s had a few close shaves so far and this one proves to be no problem, smooth all over and over The Smooth safely and he races on towards The Hair. And he barely scrapes over retaining just enough up top to pass the no baldies test although that may require a stewards enquiry.
And Friar Bellows approaches the elbow on the long run in as he scrolls down to the ‘meet/won’t meet’ section in front of the Queen Mother Stand.
But wait!!! Friar bellows is beginning to stray all over the course. He is absolutely shattered. The crowd are willing him on but he is being caught with every stride. ‘Toned’ passes him on the stand side followed by ‘Fit’ and ‘Under 35’. Friar Bellows gets a reminder but there’s nothing left in the tank with less than half a furlong to go. The Friar looks like he’s going backwards as’Fit’ and ‘Toned’ pass the winning post together.
What a valiant effort by the 48 year old gelding. The ground was against him but with a bit of give in the Profile Course I’m sure he’ll be back for another crack at it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...............
What a valiant effort by the 48 year old gelding. The ground was against him but with a bit of give in the Profile Course I’m sure he’ll be back for another crack at it.
"
Gelding? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You need a better rider... Your handicap is saddling you with lame excuses... Stop horsing around and rein yourself in to a stable life... Groom yourself for the next mare to jump you...  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"...............
What a valiant effort by the 48 year old gelding. The ground was against him but with a bit of give in the Profile Course I’m sure he’ll be back for another crack at it.
Gelding? "
Hehehe. Well spotted. Bit of that there ironic irony |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"was "cockshot taken in toilet "in the field? cos he always falls at the first fence ........."
He was 'withdrawn under starters orders' so you get your money back |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That was brilliant but you forgot you had also passed the blue waffle test and survived many have fallen at that hurdle "
Oh Grooooaaan. I am trying hard to forget the waffle thank you very much diamond   xx |
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"That was brilliant but you forgot you had also passed the blue waffle test and survived many have fallen at that hurdle
Oh Grooooaaan. I am trying hard to forget the waffle thank you very much diamond xx"
Its the sight initiation test lol |
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"You need a better rider... Your handicap is saddling you with lame excuses... Stop horsing around and rein yourself in to a stable life... Groom yourself for the next mare to jump you... "
Or get urself put out to stud! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"very good I usually get passed on the run in by 5' 9'' Minimum
Lol "
Hehehe. Forgot that one. The old 'She's 5'6". I'm still in the running' only to read.....6' in heels. Bugger!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You need a better rider... Your handicap is saddling you with lame excuses... Stop horsing around and rein yourself in to a stable life... Groom yourself for the next mare to jump you...
Or get urself put out to stud! "
More likely to be the knackers yard. Will meet glue sniffers |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Real runners in this years National with possible 'swinging' connotations [in my warped mind at least];
Big Fella Thanks [a succesful meet]
Don't Push It [an unsuccessful friend request]
Midnight Chase [last minute meet on a Friday]
Frankie Figg [just sounds naughty]
Comply Or Die [the hazards of not reading a profile properly]
Character Building [your tenth knockback]
And finally
Bally Trim [hehehe - shaved balls. Geddit?]
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