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Rant and has anyone got ideas?

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Morning all,

It's not Thursday I know but I need to vent, my ex husband has the kids living with him and I know they are happier with him but my eldest has just gone into a full on strop (which is justified) about his dad and it's one of the major reasons we split.

My ex has always been a 'stay at home dad' which is loosely meant 'I don't want a fucking job you go out and get one', the only stay at home dad part that was right was he stayed at home and a dad, he never lifted apart from on the odd occasion, any finger around the house, yes I got on to him about it but he still was just as lazy 'tell me too many times and I won't do it'

So now, he is still unemployed (our kids are 11 up, so he can't get away with that anymore) he spends his days round his best friends house and does all her housework and never does anything round the house and I mean nothing the only time the house gets cleaned is when his gf is coming round (that doesn't know he's unemployed) and the kids do that.

Before I made the choice to move in with ads, I would help round the house even when I didn't live there but something snapped inside of me and thought 'I shouldn't be doing this' but the mum side kicks in and think 'I don't want them living in a shit hole'.

I would love the kids to live with me. At the moment we live in a room and are getting a place end of Septemberish and I am seriously considering maybe looking into the legal side of having the kids with me.

I'm all for chores but having to clean the whole house because their dad can't be bothered is not a chore and that's why my son went into melt down, I've told him when he finishes his exams he always has a home with me and ads.

I am annoyed, upset and I don't know what to do. Thing is this weekend i have the kids at his and he is at his gf, he's either going to make the kids clean the shit hole of a dining room where the cats have trashed it or I will have to do it, I've been looking at it for over a week, I know as I stay here on his sofa rent free. I should help him but why should I keep his house in order when he doesn't even try?

Sorry for the long post xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/07/16 07:25:29]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Like you said, you stay there rent free so get the marigolds on and get scrubbing. Once you move out he can live in a hovel if that's how he chooses but it'll no longer be your problem

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Like you said, you stay there rent free so get the marigolds on and get scrubbing. Once you move out he can live in a hovel if that's how he chooses but it'll no longer be your problem "

That's been his problem even before we split, he always knows I will tidy it up and now, things like the washing when he does it and it mounts up on the dryer I always say to him 'this is the last time, I'm moving soon and you need to do this' it just falls on deaf ears.

Thank you for your comment xx

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By *ollypop2000Woman over a year ago

Derby

My humble opinion is that you are just going to have to grin and bare it! Sorry but for the sake of the kids you are going to have to be the adult. It's only mess and as long as the kids are cared for in other ways they'll survive. When parents split it always hard on the kids and it's up to you to make their life easier. I know it's annoying for you and for them but starting a confrontation won't help! Like you said as they get older they can move back in with you and they will eventually see the truth of the situation and realise you did everything you could to make their childhood a good childhood.xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

When we split, there wasn't really much discussion on our part with the kids, he was keeping them and was threating all kinds of things and saying they could never live with me (when they were toddlers, I admit I couldn't cope as a mother and that's the reason he stayed at home but it soon became clear he only wanted to be at home so he didn't have to do anything) but since then and they have for older, I can cope and love them so so much.

So no, I didn't contest it or do it through the courts because at the time I thought they would be happier with their dad, it's what they know he has bought them up from babies, so is just seemed natural for me to be the one to leave

I have asked them what they would prefer and kids being kids said 'daddy has the xbox' and that was that

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My humble opinion is that you are just going to have to grin and bare it! Sorry but for the sake of the kids you are going to have to be the adult. It's only mess and as long as the kids are cared for in other ways they'll survive. When parents split it always hard on the kids and it's up to you to make their life easier. I know it's annoying for you and for them but starting a confrontation won't help! Like you said as they get older they can move back in with you and they will eventually see the truth of the situation and realise you did everything you could to make their childhood a good childhood.xx"

Thank you, I have been trying to grin and a bear it, each day I look around and I can feel everything getting annoyed, if it wasn't for the fact he made the kids do everything when his gf comes over and he did it himself I probably wouldn't mind but I know the mess will still be there next week.

I would like to say, he is a good dad, my kids on the whole are happy most of the time xx

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By *ath_Neil_bifunCouple over a year ago

near cardiff

"Morning all,

Sorry for the long post xx"

Unless you want world war three then you are short on options.You are staying there rent free till you afe on your feet.That is not a bad thing done for you there.i'd happily keep the placce cleanish till i was out of there.

I was a weekend dad but my ex is such a bellend(we do get on)when it comes to living her life,and i'm so awesome(her words)that my daughter(11)has demanded that we have joint custody so she can spend more time with me.when Kids get tto a certain age then their views become more relevant,and have to be considered.you may not like your ex but thats neither here nor there,if he's a good dad to them then he has every right to spend as much time with them as you do.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

What is it that you want advice about? It's not clear from your post. Is it how to deal with your sons melt down? How to change your ex husbands behaviour?

As someone else said,you are currently living there rent free so to do a bit of housework is not really that much of a hardship.

Sorry to say this but if he didn't change while you were in a relationship there isn't much you can do now to try and change him.

Kids melt down about their parents all the time and while he is moaning at you about his dad making him tidy up he isn't expressing any desire to leave the place either (if I have read the thread correctly). Just be there to listen to his moans sometimes that's all people want.

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By *abes in the woodWoman over a year ago

wales

I know it hard I had custody of my kids then changes happen for reason ex poison them on contact never stop him he was lazy all time done bough nothing for kids. Now because wanted to go live with him knowing disable he got older one as carer do complain to legal people keep my contact going when I see youngest she look unclean do point this out as caring mother and 13 yr old won't speak to be but has after yr unless infront of him but you got deal with it till time right kids see for theirself and getting rent free but soon as you move out then do not have to stay their.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Morning all,

Sorry for the long post xx

I do get on with him, he's one of my best friends (well sort of) I think he has come so accustomed to me doing everything and he knows I'll tidy it up and everything else.

Thank you for commenting xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What is it that you want advice about? It's not clear from your post. Is it how to deal with your sons melt down? How to change your ex husbands behaviour?

As someone else said,you are currently living there rent free so to do a bit of housework is not really that much of a hardship.

Sorry to say this but if he didn't change while you were in a relationship there isn't much you can do now to try and change him.

When I said 'something snapped' I do the washing and the drying etc but the last few weeks in the back of my mind I've been thinking he HAS to do this and I won't be there everyday (even when I lived over the other side of town I went round every day) and I've been trying to get him used to me not doing everything if you can understand? It's not im not grateful for the bed, I run him to his gf house when he wants etc, if I wasn't leaving like I am and still staying in his sofa, I would still be doing it for him but he has to learn that all that help he had will be gone very, very soon.

I'm not really sure on the advice front, I listened to my son and his frustration this morning while trying to remain tight lipped and not slag his dad off in front of him as that's not what he needs to hear.

Thanks for answering xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

I have asked them what they would prefer and kids being kids said 'daddy has the xbox' and that was that "

To get them with you I think you'll need to become more involved with their day to day routine. School runs. Cooking. Bedtime stories etc.

Get yourself a place of your own. A room for each of them would be ideal. At least make it a more attractive place to be than his.

Get a flippin Xbox if needed!

Keep being involved. Have them stay as much as you can and hope they'll vote with their feet.

He's been main carer in the courts eyes so you have a battle (expensive) if you decide to go that route.

I'd try to make everyone see it better if they're with you but without saying it. Certainly don't keep asking the kids.

Help your ex realise how much easier his life is with a bit of freedom.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I know it hard I had custody of my kids then changes happen for reason ex poison them on contact never stop him he was lazy all time done bough nothing for kids. Now because wanted to go live with him knowing disable he got older one as carer do complain to legal people keep my contact going when I see youngest she look unclean do point this out as caring mother and 13 yr old won't speak to be but has after yr unless infront of him but you got deal with it till time right kids see for theirself and getting rent free but soon as you move out then do not have to stay their."

If my boys ever want to live with me and ads, I've made it 100% clear to both them and my ex, at the moment my eldest is in his last year of school and wouldn't want him to leave their as he has done so well, my middle one I think would come and live with me but I would let him decide, he knows I'll always have a home for him and my youngest, he is a bit too young to make that decision himself and I'd rather he makes his mind up himself xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

I have asked them what they would prefer and kids being kids said 'daddy has the xbox' and that was that

To get them with you I think you'll need to become more involved with their day to day routine. School runs. Cooking. Bedtime stories etc.

Get yourself a place of your own. A room for each of them would be ideal. At least make it a more attractive place to be than his.

Get a flippin Xbox if needed!

Keep being involved. Have them stay as much as you can and hope they'll vote with their feet.

He's been main carer in the courts eyes so you have a battle (expensive) if you decide to go that route.

I'd try to make everyone see it better if they're with you but without saying it. Certainly don't keep asking the kids.

Help your ex realise how much easier his life is with a bit of freedom. "

It's the last of the school runs tomorrow for me, my youngest leaves primary (hence why I am moving), since we split I like to think I have become closer to my boys as we get time to ourselves every other weekend, which we never had before.

My middle son for example used to detest me for some reason but in the last few months, we have become really close and he always wants to hangout with me, which is just lovely!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

I have asked them what they would prefer and kids being kids said 'daddy has the xbox' and that was that

To get them with you I think you'll need to become more involved with their day to day routine. School runs. Cooking. Bedtime stories etc.

Get yourself a place of your own. A room for each of them would be ideal. At least make it a more attractive place to be than his.

Get a flippin Xbox if needed!

Keep being involved. Have them stay as much as you can and hope they'll vote with their feet.

He's been main carer in the courts eyes so you have a battle (expensive) if you decide to go that route.

I'd try to make everyone see it better if they're with you but without saying it. Certainly don't keep asking the kids.

Help your ex realise how much easier his life is with a bit of freedom.

My middle son for example used to detest me for some reason but in the last few months, we have become really close and he always wants to hangout with me, which is just lovely!!"

Work on that.

Would it be so bad to share the kids?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

I have asked them what they would prefer and kids being kids said 'daddy has the xbox' and that was that

To get them with you I think you'll need to become more involved with their day to day routine. School runs. Cooking. Bedtime stories etc.

Get yourself a place of your own. A room for each of them would be ideal. At least make it a more attractive place to be than his.

Get a flippin Xbox if needed!

Keep being involved. Have them stay as much as you can and hope they'll vote with their feet.

He's been main carer in the courts eyes so you have a battle (expensive) if you decide to go that route.

I'd try to make everyone see it better if they're with you but without saying it. Certainly don't keep asking the kids.

Help your ex realise how much easier his life is with a bit of freedom.

My middle son for example used to detest me for some reason but in the last few months, we have become really close and he always wants to hangout with me, which is just lovely!!

Work on that.

Would it be so bad to share the kids? "

I really don't mind sharing the kids!! I really am ok with them living with him, what I do have a problem with is him being lazy and not doing anything at HIS house yet he can do stuff at other peoples and he makes the kids do ALL the housework at his house, that's what brings me down and that is what makes me sad xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When you get settle in your new place would it then be a good idea to look at where the kids live & decide jointly where the best place will be.

I'm all for kids making decisions but there has to be more than Dad has an Xbox especially when they get older & outside influences from their peers kick in.

Obviously just a thought as I don't know you

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A few questions to help us understand.

Did you contest custody?

Did it go through court or did you just leave them with him?

How long ago?

What do the kids say they want?

I have asked them what they would prefer and kids being kids said 'daddy has the xbox' and that was that

To get them with you I think you'll need to become more involved with their day to day routine. School runs. Cooking. Bedtime stories etc.

Get yourself a place of your own. A room for each of them would be ideal. At least make it a more attractive place to be than his.

Get a flippin Xbox if needed!

Keep being involved. Have them stay as much as you can and hope they'll vote with their feet.

He's been main carer in the courts eyes so you have a battle (expensive) if you decide to go that route.

I'd try to make everyone see it better if they're with you but without saying it. Certainly don't keep asking the kids.

Help your ex realise how much easier his life is with a bit of freedom. "

I don't think Ali made herself quite clear so I'm not having a go.

She picks the youngest up from school most days and cooks all the boys dinner she does put them to bed I've even "tucked" them in with her if I'm there so she is still very much involved in their lives. What Ali is annoyed about is the fact he can't clean his own house but will happily go round his "friends" house and clean hers. So we see it as it's alright for the boys to live in a bomb site as long as the girl he's fancied for years house is tidy! But when his actual girlfriend comes round he expects everyone else to tidy and make him look good.

I currently have an Xbox 360 and I'm hoping to get an Xbox one in the next few months so that issue will be solved! I have a good relationship with the boys we all get on well and I actually join in with what they're doing rather than just letting them just get on with it.

As Ali says they will always have a home with us and I know whatever choice they make has to be what's best for them. We don't speak bad of him in front of them. He can be a cock sometimes but generally he's an alright person.

-Ads

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do they get pocket money for cleaning the home? Or any kind of incentive?

If nothing else it is good that the kids ARE learning how to put the Hoover around etc., as they'll be more prepared for when they leave home.

To be honest, once your kids start getting older and they start popping out to mates they're not going to be so easily accepting of having to do it all and will

probably speak up about it.

It's not on that they should do it ALL the time, but I'm not sure there is much that can be done without causing a whole lot of grief, especially if your ex is the type of fella who just doesn't see the build up of mess around him and can happily sit in it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Do they get pocket money for cleaning the home? Or any kind of incentive?

If nothing else it is good that the kids ARE learning how to put the Hoover around etc., as they'll be more prepared for when they leave home.

To be honest, once your kids start getting older and they start popping out to mates they're not going to be so easily accepting of having to do it all and will

probably speak up about it.

They don't get pocket money per se but he buys expansions for games (I'd like to know where the money comes from) occasionally. The middle boy is rarely home when his other friend is home from his private school but other than that they all play on their electronics which inevitably they fight over the Xbox lol

I can understand a few chores a week like running the Hoover round washing up etc but he doesn't even clean his own mess plates will stack up on the side to the point I've washed up and I don't have anything to do with it! I just got fed up of having to wash up as they needed a cup/spoon/bowl etc. There's rubbish in the shed that's been there month and it stinks to high heavens in a bag I know is going to split as soon as it's lifted. So I ain't touching that!

-Ads

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

the kids have a home and they are happy most of the time and you say he is a good dad - so living in some mess isnt the be all and end all - that is so much more than a lot of children have- once youre out of there you have to forget the mess its not your problem you have different standards - the kids will either put up with or do it themselves (wont kill them and will throw it in his face one day i expect) and eventually they grow up and move out - then it will be all his shit - they are in a better place than a lot of kids i can assure you x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's good to get kids cleaning the house, I had to do it when I was young.

Would you rather they did hee-haw Like their Dad ?

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By *irtyGirlWoman over a year ago

Edinburgh

I get that it's annoying when you have to do all the housework but the bottom line is do you want to live in a hovel? Do you want your kids to live in a hovel? I just couldn't answer yes to either of those questions so whilst it would wind me up that I was doing it all, I'd still do it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"the kids have a home and they are happy most of the time and you say he is a good dad - so living in some mess isnt the be all and end all - that is so much more than a lot of children have- once youre out of there you have to forget the mess its not your problem you have different standards - the kids will either put up with or do it themselves (wont kill them and will throw it in his face one day i expect) and eventually they grow up and move out - then it will be all his shit - they are in a better place than a lot of kids i can assure you x"

I know that, they are loved and are happy, it just breaks my heart that they are made to do it, for example, he won't empty the bin even if it's all falling out on the floor and he waits for the kids to do it and when they try and say something he shouts back 'if you see it overflowing you empty it!!' As far as I'm concerned, unless he is blind, it works both ways.

Chores are good and teaches them the world but to be doing their washing (if I'm not there), cleaning the bathroom, vaccumming the whole house, clearing up the shit on the floor the cats leave, it all seems a bit much for the kids to be doing but then as you say when they get older they will probably start saying something

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Xx"

they will - my ex never gave the kids any time at all - the weekend visits lasted less than a couple of months when we split - result now is one has nothing to do with him at all virtually and the other does duty visits when hes back in the country - now he moans he gets ignored - karma such a beautiful thing when she does her stuff - he will be a lonely old man

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By *ichaelangelaCouple over a year ago

notts

Get him to move in with his girlfriend. You, ads and your kids stay in his house. Problems solved all round

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Get him to move in with his girlfriend. You, ads and your kids stay in his house. Problems solved all round

His gf is moving in at the end of August, that's another reason why I was trying to 'train him up' because she has no idea he's unemployed and spends his days with his friends etc, I wanted him to be proud of his home but that's just the way I am, I care far too much.

When he went away with her before she stayed at his, when I was there I tidied his room so it was nice for her to stay and made his home spotless, instead of being thankful he had a go at me, my heart was in the right place xx

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By *otblondewife hornyMrCouple over a year ago

Cambuslang

Think you need to step back a bit, not from your kids but the ex. Why should you give a shit if he tidies her house?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Think you need to step back a bit, not from your kids but the ex. Why should you give a shit if he tidies her house?"

I guess maybe because it was my home once, when we were married I let his laziness slide and was happyish to keep the house going

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By *ikeC81Man over a year ago

harrow

I am ranting because my internet went down at home yesterday afternoon at 3pm

Called from work to say it has gone down was told working on it 17.00

Called back this morning at 8.30 to be told they are still working on it

Was told I will get a call today with an update

Ffs open reach are the laziest wankers on the plannet!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I am ranting because my internet went down at home yesterday afternoon at 3pm

Called from work to say it has gone down was told working on it 17.00

Called back this morning at 8.30 to be told they are still working on it

Was told I will get a call today with an update

Ffs open reach are the laziest wankers on the plannet!! "

Let it out dude!!! Hope it's fixed soon xx

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By *ikeC81Man over a year ago

harrow

"I am ranting because my internet went down at home yesterday afternoon at 3pm

Called from work to say it has gone down was told working on it 17.00

Called back this morning at 8.30 to be told they are still working on it

Was told I will get a call today with an update

Ffs open reach are the laziest wankers on the plannet!!

Let it out dude!!! Hope it's fixed soon xx"

Will give them to mid afternoon then call back to see why this has been delayed

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Get him to move in with his girlfriend. You, ads and your kids stay in his house. Problems solved all round

Why did you do those things? If it's just the way "you" are and you've failed so far to persuade him to behave how you want him to he isn't going to change now. I'm also puzzled as to why you're helping him deceive his girlfriend.

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By *carlet_heavenWoman over a year ago

somewhere in the sticks

Have I go this right?

There are children (2or3) between the ages of 11-16 living in a house where their father has a residence order in his favour but the place is unhygienic because he's not fulfilling his parental responsibilities?

You live in the house but sleep on the sofa because you're separated from your husband. You are upset watching your children being made to do all the household chores and/or living in a filthy environment?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Get him to move in with his girlfriend. You, ads and your kids stay in his house. Problems solved all round

We are no deceiving his gf we're staying out of it! All she does is tidies the house so her boys don't have to do it!

-Ads

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Think you need to step back a bit, not from your kids but the ex. Why should you give a shit if he tidies her house?"

This

You have huge issues with your ex (judging by previous forum posts) and I think this is more about him than your kids.

Ultimately you have made the decision to let him have custody and have to live with the consequences of that both negative and positive

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Get him to move in with his girlfriend. You, ads and your kids stay in his house. Problems solved all round

We are no deceiving his gf we're staying out of it! All she does is tidies the house so her boys don't have to do it!

-Ads"

You are trying to train him up because she has no idea, you're enabling him to deceive her as to his true personality. My opinion is that you need to separate out what you do for your children and what you do for him and just stick to what you do for your kids. It's not caring too much it's being unable to let go. I know that sounds harsh but you really shouldn't be concerned about how he appears to the new woman in his life.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Have I go this right?

In a word yes, the ultimate thing is the kids are happy and it's my own doing that I let the housework get to me, I should let it go but when my son finally spoke up today about a few things I realised he was unhappy with the situation, I've reassured my son if he feels unhappy he can come and live with me anytime, I've explained my door is always open for him and his brothers.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Get him to move in with his girlfriend. You, ads and your kids stay in his house. Problems solved all round

We are no deceiving his gf we're staying out of it! All she does is tidies the house so her boys don't have to do it!

-Ads

I probably do need to let go, well I know I need too. I guess if he moved into a different house with the kids it wouldn't be so bad for me but I can see my once clean and tidy house turn into a dumping ground and dirty mess and that's probably the thing that's wrong the most.

Hopefully once I leave, I will have to let go and live my life.

I guess it might be deceiving to make her think otherwise but I guess my personality is this, I'm happy and I want him to be happy and I don't want a stupid thing like the state of the house to put her off him and helping him round the house (which has been my downfall with it because now be expected me to do it and now the kids) helped him keep her, in my head I was happy to do it but maybe that was wrong of me, I should have left his bedroom and a state and everything else but that's not the kind of person I am xx

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By *otblondewife hornyMrCouple over a year ago

Cambuslang

Your story is all over the place.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank you for all your comments and some good points raised, I'll always be grateful to the forum for help, advice (good or bad) and everything else.

I'm looking forward to relocating and putting this all behind me and start to live my life

Thanks again xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Your story is all over the place."

Thanks for that, it's hard in a forum.

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By *carlet_heavenWoman over a year ago

somewhere in the sticks

OP this is meant constructively…

It doesn't sound like this is a very healthy environment for your children atm & it sounds like you & your husband (& your children) are all struggling with this.

Have you considered some sort of mediation because it seems that you need some help with a very difficult situation.

In my area (midlands) an organisation called "Meriden' offers family mediation & signposts to other services.See if something like that is suitable for you?

I wish you all the best & think carefully about involving the courts because this is very stressful, expensive & won't help your immediate problems.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"OP this is meant constructively…

It doesn't sound like this is a very healthy environment for your children atm & it sounds like you & your husband (& your children) are all struggling with this.

Have you considered some sort of mediation because it seems that you need some help with a very difficult situation.

In my area (midlands) an organisation called "Meriden' offers family mediation & signposts to other services.See if something like that is suitable for you?

I wish you all the best & think carefully about involving the courts because this is very stressful, expensive & won't help your immediate problems.

Thank you, I wouldn't want to involve the courts as I would like to think we could work it through, I am hoping once I move it might kick him into gear and once his gf moves in things will improve no end I am sure. Xx

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