FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Am I a bad Sub? Or have I been Duped?
Am I a bad Sub? Or have I been Duped?
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"Sounds like you may have fallen for a player. Move on, possibly via the GUM clinic just in case he wasn't as truthful as you hoped. Of course, we could all be a miserable bunch of cynics and all will be rosie, hope so. " Thank you 'HighHeels' ..It's very interesting that you commented as I recognise your profile, he sent me it as I do believe he was once a 'friend' of yours! | |||
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"Sounds like you may have fallen for a player. Move on, possibly via the GUM clinic just in case he wasn't as truthful as you hoped. Of course, we could all be a miserable bunch of cynics and all will be rosie, hope so. Thank you 'HighHeels' ..It's very interesting that you commented as I recognise your profile, he sent me it as I do believe he was once a 'friend' of yours! "I've PMd you. I don't think I know anyone in your area. | |||
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"Get some salt and take what you read with a pinch of it. You met him online and although it is nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, you do not know this man and have been naive yes. To me it sounds as though he just wants a bit of D/s fun in the bedroom and is not prepared for what it would truly entail. Thank you, yes - for me it was a 'lifestyle' choice to be owned, not a 'when we can be bothered' I do suspect he didn't realise what it entails, whereas I read so much around it and knew for me, it was more about the mental connection, the mental stimulation as well as sexual! X If this is what you truly want try finding your local munch or fetish event and go along and meet people face to face. " | |||
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"After your first time together your aftercare should should have been better. He has failed you, he is not what he advertises himself as, you should avoid any further contact with him. Without sounding cynical, don't volunteer too quickly during a conversation you are looking for a Dom, someone in tune will spot it eventually anyway but when you freely give information like this you are giving a manipulator the information they need. I haven't read your profile, I'm not sure if you say it openly. Make sure you're healthy and mind yourself well x " Thank you, I have learnt from this and although presently I don't want to put myself through this again, if I do decide too I will definitely be far more cautious- we all have busy lives, jobs etc., but a 10secc message even if it is 'I'm busy' is suffice! He really doesn't understand the lifestyle or what I was wanting - I guess that was my fault! | |||
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"You've been extremely naive." 
You're not being a bad sub. And no, this isn't what being a sub is about. You're not a doormat or to be used or treated like crap. Make your voice heard about whatever is important to you and work out your hard limits.
I have a list of expectations to give a Dom. It's a two way thing. If they don't meet my expectations then I'm out of there. Protecting my sexual health is very high up that list.
I've had a lot of experience of talking to potential Doms and they do seem to say upfront that they expect unprotected sex. I laugh and say not a chance. I say it's a hard limit and that's that.
The whole thing about your friend checking up (even if it was concern) is a bit uncomfortable.
If you are concerned already about him being online but ignoring you for days, then I'd just walk away.
It sounds like the man doesn't class himself as a dom or has no experience of being a dom but has tried to fit in to what you've asked of him. You've told him to control you, so he's done classic orgasm control and then instructed you about bareback. Maybe if he's trying to fit into a role he knows nothing about, then he could be being aloof purposely.
If he's genuine, you need to be having this forum conversation with him. I find it best at the start, even straight after a session, to talk about what worked and what didn't. He needs to know you're feeling like you are and make it right.
Although you can find decent Doms on this site, even if they aren't experienced, you need to remember there are lots of different types of Dom and it might be easier for you to find one on a fetish site. | |||
"I was talking to a guy last year and he wanted me to be his sub, I didn't know much about it so I researched it and decided that it was something I was keen to do. I chatted to him for a very long time, in insisted on a telephone call before I met with him and he was duly polite and did so, he said he was American and worked American hours so meeting during the evening would be an issue, I met with him for all of 45 mins at a service station after talking for ages and that's all I needed, I was hooked and over the time I 'knew' him I did everything he asked. However there were alarm bells ringing for me, there are things he wanted to do with me and When I enquired about what kind of 'equipment he had' he said he didn't have any and I think I caught him off guard, then one evening he sent me a picture of himself as I had been a 'good girl' and on his table planner when I zoomed in I felt sure there was a list of about 3 women, one was my name with dates on but I put it down to me being paranoid. I finally got the hump with him when he wouldn't commit to seeing me, he would 'make arrangements' I would get all dressed up and then I'll get there and left waiting, no message or anything and like an idiot I would still be infatuated with him. Then after a while, I decided to end it, not as though there was anything to end, he was constantly on the dating site we met on and other places and was playing even more women. He got back in contact and wanted me to be part of a 'family' and the long and short of that is, th woman that was one of the doms was also duped by him and in the end, we got together and put all the pieces together and it resulted in me having an obscure relationship for a brief period with her partner (the other Dom) with her complete blessing. But in that time we didn't talk (the American) I decided to do something silly to prove I was a good sub, I met a man, miles from my home, he wanted to be my master but all he did was abuse me the one time I saw him, he hit me with his belt and not in a 'dom' way and made me bleed and stuff, he wasn't a Dom he was just a bully. Please stay safe, don't do anything silly to try and prove you are a good sub. Sometimes being a sub isn't what you think it is and personally speaking I think being a sub would come naturally to people and not something that someone mentions and thinks 'yeah I'll do that' but that's just my own thoughts. If you want a chat pm me xx" Thank you for that, for me I was attracted to his intellect, his charm and the things he would say too me.. We were both more into the connection of minds, but, it's not a 'on and off' thing, it has to be all or nothing and being busy and being obtuse isn't good enough, he just had to tell me - ignoring someone just makes them feel worthless! I don't think he understood that and maybe I wasn't clear enough! ...I am very hurt! x | |||
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"Anybody can be anybody on the internet. Whilst other events may have occurred after, on meeting it sounds like he was your fantasy but maybe you weren't his. The reality is we only know one side here and taking 3 months to meet someone over the internet is a very long time. You are not going to meet the love of your life (or the Dom of your life) on a sex site or on a first meet. It sounds like you slept with him as a first meet instead of sitting down, chatting and coming back to things. You could have cut out the 3 months of mails (and probably flirts), and just met him straight away; interviewed him about his experience, needs and wants. " I was in a pretty gruelling musical show (on skates) so said from the off that I couldn't meet until afterwards as my schedule was crazy - it wasn't me being coy! I really didn't expect him to wait, but we clicked via chats and phone calls and the night we had together was pretty awesome, he didn't feel like a stranger and we both expected IT to be a ongoing thing, I just don't think he understood the 'Dom/Sub' role what I wanted, you're right, we were probably after different things, but it was a very shit way to express it - especially wjen we're meant to be honest with each other! I have since learnt that he is actually a player an am now really even more stupid!!! A Hard Day! x  | |||
"Anybody can be anybody on the internet. Whilst other events may have occurred after, on meeting it sounds like he was your fantasy but maybe you weren't his. The reality is we only know one side here and taking 3 months to meet someone over the internet is a very long time. You are not going to meet the love of your life (or the Dom of your life) on a sex site or on a first meet. It sounds like you slept with him as a first meet instead of sitting down, chatting and coming back to things. You could have cut out the 3 months of mails (and probably flirts), and just met him straight away; interviewed him about his experience, needs and wants. I was in a pretty gruelling musical show (on skates) so said from the off that I couldn't meet until afterwards as my schedule was crazy - it wasn't me being coy! I really didn't expect him to wait, but we clicked via chats and phone calls and the night we had together was pretty awesome, he didn't feel like a stranger and we both expected IT to be a ongoing thing, I just don't think he understood the 'Dom/Sub' role what I wanted, you're right, we were probably after different things, but it was a very shit way to express it - especially wjen we're meant to be honest with each other! I have since learnt that he is actually a player an am now really even more stupid!!! A Hard Day! x "Learning/experience does not equate to stupid. There is some good advice (especially from the ladies), do not let others "stupidity" effect who you are, I've never met a weak sub yet. Be good... | |||
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"I was talking to a guy last year and he wanted me to be his sub, I didn't know much about it so I researched it and decided that it was something I was keen to do. I chatted to him for a very long time, in insisted on a telephone call before I met with him and he was duly polite and did so, he said he was American and worked American hours so meeting during the evening would be an issue, I met with him for all of 45 mins at a service station after talking for ages and that's all I needed, I was hooked and over the time I 'knew' him I did everything he asked. However there were alarm bells ringing for me, there are things he wanted to do with me and When I enquired about what kind of 'equipment he had' he said he didn't have any and I think I caught him off guard, then one evening he sent me a picture of himself as I had been a 'good girl' and on his table planner when I zoomed in I felt sure there was a list of about 3 women, one was my name with dates on but I put it down to me being paranoid. I finally got the hump with him when he wouldn't commit to seeing me, he would 'make arrangements' I would get all dressed up and then I'll get there and left waiting, no message or anything and like an idiot I would still be infatuated with him. Then after a while, I decided to end it, not as though there was anything to end, he was constantly on the dating site we met on and other places and was playing even more women. He got back in contact and wanted me to be part of a 'family' and the long and short of that is, th woman that was one of the doms was also duped by him and in the end, we got together and put all the pieces together and it resulted in me having an obscure relationship for a brief period with her partner (the other Dom) with her complete blessing. But in that time we didn't talk (the American) I decided to do something silly to prove I was a good sub, I met a man, miles from my home, he wanted to be my master but all he did was abuse me the one time I saw him, he hit me with his belt and not in a 'dom' way and made me bleed and stuff, he wasn't a Dom he was just a bully. Please stay safe, don't do anything silly to try and prove you are a good sub. Sometimes being a sub isn't what you think it is and personally speaking I think being a sub would come naturally to people and not something that someone mentions and thinks 'yeah I'll do that' but that's just my own thoughts. If you want a chat pm me xx Thank you for that, for me I was attracted to his intellect, his charm and the things he would say too me.. We were both more into the connection of minds, but, it's not a 'on and off' thing, it has to be all or nothing and being busy and being obtuse isn't good enough, he just had to tell me - ignoring someone just makes them feel worthless! I don't think he understood that and maybe I wasn't clear enough! ...I am very hurt! x " I know how you felt, this guy wouldn't speak to me for days on end and I felt 'worthless' he really knocked my confidence but when I told my friend the things he wanted to do and the videos he sent me, things became better because he was clearly just a control freak who got off on this kind of behaviour. You will bounce back from this xx | |||
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"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!! "Hey Jasmine, it does sound like you've been niave on this one. A person's job or position is very rarely any indication of what they are like relationally. Some of the best manipulators gone high positions and generally speaking women more so than men regard this as a safer bet. You always have to get to know someone in person and aim to understand them. As a guy who's got a background in cooperate sales, I have a dangerous tongue online or on the phone but the dynamics in person are difficult - it's harder to not be sincere. I have to intentionally becareful with my words, as a guy pursues what he wants, it's a temptation to make sure you don't lose your character in the process. However for some men this isn't a concern as long as they get what they want. Sorry to hear your story that sucks. Definitely learn from this experience though! Take all the lessons you can and move on stronger and wiser!! | |||
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"may i ask the op a question was the gentleman concerned with this from the north west of england ?" No he wasn't! x | |||
"hi sweet. just wanted to offer moral support x great advice from above posters.. i will add that an online D/s isnt the same as a real life relationship, no matter what they say and do. i have no idea what your arrangements/ protocol or contract/ agreements were..but aftercare was not delivered and you are in crash mode..something i have also experienced and its not pleasant.. a few things to help yourself get through it though. acknowledge you becoming a sub is a learning curve, however sub you are you are always learning and that isnt stupidity. its a pathway on which you find out about who you are , what you need and how you are going to get there. so, from this experience draw up a list of your new hard limits, based on your experiences and mark down what is important to you right this minute and what you would accept next...this changes rapidly as you interact with more people and have more experiences, both good and bad...this can be included in any letter of agreement with someone new and you should be able to tick off your needs by the agreements you discuss. educate yourself as much as you can. read, ask questions and mix in the scene socially...everyone is there to help you to learn about yourself, just dont let too many wannabes damage you you know you are in essence. hone in on that pathway..the one in your heart, trust yourself, be gentle with you and take baby steps forward... hugs and much love x" Thank you for this.. I guess I knew what I wanted, I had done as much research as I could - I'm not so sure he understands the culture the same way I do - maybe we have different perspectives and he had certainly adapted his militant everyday stance with me - and that wasn't conducive, it just doesn't work - communication and trust is everything!!!! It's a lesson learned and I will take your advice - again thank you! x | |||
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" You need to research the true meaning of a sub/dom relationship. I hope you are okay and tests all clear for you. You are a human being and deserve respect at all times." I think I had read up and expected that... But he hadn't!!! There in lies the problem!! My stupidity I guess for expecting/assuming he knew! x | |||
"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!
Hey Jasmine, it does sound like you've been niave on this one. A person's job or position is very rarely any indication of what they are like relationally. Some of the best manipulators gone high positions and generally speaking women more so than men regard this as a safer bet.
You always have to get to know someone in person and aim to understand them. As a guy who's got a background in cooperate sales, I have a dangerous tongue online or on the phone but the dynamics in person are difficult - it's harder to not be sincere.
I have to intentionally becareful with my words, as a guy pursues what he wants, it's a temptation to make sure you don't lose your character in the process. However for some men this isn't a concern as long as they get what they want.
Sorry to hear your story that sucks. Definitely learn from this experience though! Take all the lessons you can and move on stronger and wiser!! "Thank you - it's intetesting to hear from a guys perspective x | |||
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 ...I will not give up my quest for sexual fulfilment but I walk with much more caution and will be asking for more help and advice on a regular basis from you guys - thank you all - Jas xxxx | |||
"I think the guy is a complete ass. The OP clearly states on her profile what she is looking for, and this man made a connection knowing this too. He shouldn't have been entertaining the notion of others if he'd agreed to be exclusive with the OP. Unfortunately to me it seems as though he got what he went from the lovely gorgeous OP and then went off in search of a new conquest. He's a fool for ditching the OP though, as simply put, you look stunning "Thank you.. X | |||
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"Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger? Cause thats his health at risk there too. You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person. " Yes he knew everything and allowed it because he wanted me to be happy and explore desires in a world that he doesn't want to participate in ..That's what upsets me the most, I feel I've let him down too!!! x | |||
"Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger? Cause thats his health at risk there too. You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person. Yes he knew everything and allowed it because he wanted me to be happy and explore desires in a world that he doesn't want to participate in ..That's what upsets me the most, I feel I've let him down too!!! x"OP you're and adult as is you husband and the other party. You havent let yourself or anyone else down. Yes you have perhaps been naive or too trusting but this is very new for you and it takes time. There are alot of men who claim to be Doms and whilst they maybe dominant in character its not the same thing. Finding a friend that you can submit to in a respectul and mutually enjoyable way takes time, trust and honest dialog. I hope you find a special friend. Knitter. | |||
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"I had been chatting to a very articulate, charming professional guy for sometime and I was very specific that I wanted a 'Dom' and that I had explored what that entailed. I wrote that I needed discipline (not necessarily pain related, although willing), and that I needed to be taken 'in hand' and that I would be a challenge. He was happy to proceed, he wanted me wholly (meaning unprotected sex) and he wanted me to give myself to him, I agreed but was only prepared to do so if he was open and honest (especially re sexual history) and I wanted trust and I didn't want someone who was promiscuous, he assured me he wasn't (this is the shortcut version, there was a lot of discussion) So, we finally met and I did what he asked.. It was a pretty amazing night, it felt right and I 'Trusted' him completely and I was optimistic that I had found my 'Dom'. However, on hearing about my 'unprotected' incident a friend was concerned and wanted to check him out (unbeknownst to me), so she 'winked' at him, he messaged her back a hello and polite message including face pics!! I was upset as I felt this wasn't 'honest' and against what I had asked for - so I told him! He says he was just saying 'Hello' and wouldn't take it any further! I am cross with my friend, but she's worried about his motives, she thinks he's a 'player' and not what he led me to believe! He had been very distant prior to the 'wink' and after our meet he told me I wasn't allowed to 'touch' myself without permission, so I asked, and was ignored, asked again - nothing, took another 2 days for a "Bloody emails at work" excuse!!! ...this was before my friend 'winked' at him!!!! He claimed he was busy working, but he was on here and on WhatsApp!!! He is now ignoring me completely and won't even read my messages... Am I being a bad 'Sub'? I kinda feel duped.. If I am acting out and being bad, surely he should tell me and tell me he's punishing me by ignoring me? I wanted someone to control me and all its done is make me sad, upset and scared, I'm going to get myself 'checked out' and I have said goodbye to him - not that he's read my messages!!! I'm so upset and confused!!! Is this what being a 'Sub' is about??? "no your not a bad sub its that he was not a dom he was and is a user that's all you have to put it down to experience | |||
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"That is so not what being a sub is about. This man is not a dom. He's an arsehole! " an arsehole has its uses I don't this bloke has a single uses | |||
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"That is so not what being a sub is about. This man is not a dom. He's an arsehole! an arsehole has its uses I don't this bloke has a single uses" There is that! | |||
"Also to add I've noticed a few people have mentioned other sites. You are just as likely to be duped there as you are here. There are a LOT of sleezeballs on there who will sniff around you. Go in with your eyes wide open and get what you want. Don't compromise initially. A'good' dom will allow you to go at your pace and not pressure you into anything. And certainly will not ignore you! Good luck "
Good point. The fet sites are just like this site and you have to root through and find the genuine folk.
It's always good to talk to other experienced female submissives on these sites and ask for points in the right direction. They will probably know who has a good reputation in your area and who doesn't. | |||
"Really hope all the positive, genuine replies to your OP put a smile back on your face. Lesson learned and move on x" Yes most definitely.. Thank you all x | |||
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"Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more." Appointment already made and email sent to him - all over!!! I would have liked him to at least told me his perspective of events, I may have stayed if he had been reasonable and open to discussion!!! But hey ho.. His lost, he won't ever find anyone else so devoted and I'm not sure I could be again - not like that!!! x | |||
"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!! "Are you sure that what he claims about his job is true? Sounds like he doesn't understand the dom/sub dynamic. Kick his fucking arse into touch. | |||
"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex! "Let's hope he doesn't di that too often because if he's given me and infections he will deeply regret it, I may appear a bit weak but if he has jeopardised my health - heaven help him.... x | |||
"Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more. Appointment already made and email sent to him - all over!!! I would have liked him to at least told me his perspective of events, I may have stayed if he had been reasonable and open to discussion!!! But hey ho.. His lost, he won't ever find anyone else so devoted and I'm not sure I could be again - not like that!!! x " you will find someone that you can be devoted to and have him be devoted to you it just takes time and a lot of luck | |||
"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!
Are you sure that what he claims about his job is true?
Sounds like he doesn't understand the dom/sub dynamic.
Kick his fucking arse into touch."I'm begining to doubt all he told me... Although he claimed to be very important - he's still behaved like a complete arse!! That's not very professional at all!!!  | |||
"Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more. Appointment already made and email sent to him - all over!!! I would have liked him to at least told me his perspective of events, I may have stayed if he had been reasonable and open to discussion!!! But hey ho.. His lost, he won't ever find anyone else so devoted and I'm not sure I could be again - not like that!!! x you will find someone that you can be devoted to and have him be devoted to you it just takes time and a lot of luck " I'm not sure I want to go through this again.. I feel so stupid right now, especially given what I have since been told!!! | |||
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"The key words here are honesty, trust and transparency, if a Dom asks you for the sex to be unprotected, ask to see a full report of his last sti test, and ask to hold off on the unprotected srx until you are comfortable, if he refuses on any one of those counts, make it clear its share limit, if he still refuses, and tries to tell youheisthe Dom yadda yadda yaddsa, tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, there's no room for dishonesty in a dynamic such as you have described" I absolutely agree with your comment! As a True Dom he should have the upper most respect for his submissive from the start. Run a Mile hun,he's a fake. It can take years to develop & Master the art of a True Master/Dom.I'm lucky I have mine.In the beginning I was Nieve admittedly, but my Dom taught me well and iam blessed.As he is also. I wish you luck in your search. Bambi x | |||
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"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty. The reality of "dom" and "sub" is generally an illusion to engender and indulge erotic fantasies... in effect the sub gives "control" to the dom and can take it back at any time (through the use of a safe word); this is empowering for the sub and thus the illusion is maintained for the enjoyment of both, whilst the dom is in "control" they can test the boundaries of the sub; within agreed limits (hard and soft boundaries). To me, what you have described 8s not a sub/dom relationship as you haven't agreed the boundaries of the "rules of engagement" (some use "collaring" to indicate "play" has started. When the collar comes off; the scenario is ended (this may need a period of "togetherness" to reassure the sub and stop them "crashing") It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen... Just my thoughts Paul x" Thank you for your thoughts, I agree and I can definitely relate to the 'crashing' analysis! I am usually such a strong person, I fear, maybe going through such a tough gruelling few months being in a very hard intense musical show, having serious situation at work occur and other general day-to-day commitments, he was there for me as an escapism and fantasy and maybe I became a bit too reliant and the reality was far removed - I believe my exhaustion both physically and emotional left me a bit vulnerable and thus I me made very unwise decisions, that was my friends concerns too - luckily I have people in my life who look out for me, maybe a little too late in this scenario but in future I will consult people with more experience if I'm unsure of anything!!! Thank you x | |||
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"Big hugs to you OP. One of the main things with a D/S relationship between two adults is trust. Sorry this happened to you x " Thank you x | |||
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"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty. The reality of "dom" and "sub" is generally an illusion to engender and indulge erotic fantasies... in effect the sub gives "control" to the dom and can take it back at any time (through the use of a safe word); this is empowering for the sub and thus the illusion is maintained for the enjoyment of both, whilst the dom is in "control" they can test the boundaries of the sub; within agreed limits (hard and soft boundaries). To me, what you have described 8s not a sub/dom relationship as you haven't agreed the boundaries of the "rules of engagement" (some use "collaring" to indicate "play" has started. When the collar comes off; the scenario is ended (this may need a period of "togetherness" to reassure the sub and stop them "crashing") It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen... Just my thoughts Paul x Thank you for your thoughts, I agree and I can definitely relate to the 'crashing' analysis! I am usually such a strong person, I fear, maybe going through such a tough gruelling few months being in a very hard intense musical show, having serious situation at work occur and other general day-to-day commitments, he was there for me as an escapism and fantasy and maybe I became a bit too reliant and the reality was far removed - I believe my exhaustion both physically and emotional left me a bit vulnerable and thus I me made very unwise decisions, that was my friends concerns too - luckily I have people in my life who look out for me, maybe a little too late in this scenario but in future I will consult people with more experience if I'm unsure of anything!!! Thank you x " It's like any relationship. Trust is built over time. Enjoy the person you are with, without committing first. Asking for exclusivity on a first meeting would ring alarm bells for me.... Good luck and I hope you can soon make light of this experience. Paul x | |||
"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty. The reality of "dom" and "sub" is generally an illusion to engender and indulge erotic fantasies... in effect the sub gives "control" to the dom and can take it back at any time (through the use of a safe word); this is empowering for the sub and thus the illusion is maintained for the enjoyment of both, whilst the dom is in "control" they can test the boundaries of the sub; within agreed limits (hard and soft boundaries). To me, what you have described 8s not a sub/dom relationship as you haven't agreed the boundaries of the "rules of engagement" (some use "collaring" to indicate "play" has started. When the collar comes off; the scenario is ended (this may need a period of "togetherness" to reassure the sub and stop them "crashing") It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen... Just my thoughts Paul x Thank you for your thoughts, I agree and I can definitely relate to the 'crashing' analysis! I am usually such a strong person, I fear, maybe going through such a tough gruelling few months being in a very hard intense musical show, having serious situation at work occur and other general day-to-day commitments, he was there for me as an escapism and fantasy and maybe I became a bit too reliant and the reality was far removed - I believe my exhaustion both physically and emotional left me a bit vulnerable and thus I me made very unwise decisions, that was my friends concerns too - luckily I have people in my life who look out for me, maybe a little too late in this scenario but in future I will consult people with more experience if I'm unsure of anything!!! Thank you x It's like any relationship. Trust is built over time. Enjoy the person you are with, without committing first. Asking for exclusivity on a first meeting would ring alarm bells for me.... Good luck and I hope you can soon make light of this experience. Paul x" I'm sure I'll be okay.. I'm not heart broken, I'm just feeling very foolish and Yep - 'Duped'!!! I'll get over it, was just such a waste of my time and I am kind of annoyed that I won't get to do all those deliciously naughty things we had planned! I won't give up my quest completely, will just rethink the approach  x | |||
"Put your energies into rebuilding your strength and do not put yourself down in any way. If you can see that this was not right for you then cease all contacts and block him. When you're stronger see what you can learn from this, so that you can move on. Beware of returning, as there's something unfinished - it's just that you need to learn and decide some rules for future. " I will try... Thank you x | |||
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"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty. The reality of "dom" and "sub" is generally an illusion to engender and indulge erotic fantasies... in effect the sub gives "control" to the dom and can take it back at any time (through the use of a safe word); this is empowering for the sub and thus the illusion is maintained for the enjoyment of both, whilst the dom is in "control" they can test the boundaries of the sub; within agreed limits (hard and soft boundaries). To me, what you have described 8s not a sub/dom relationship as you haven't agreed the boundaries of the "rules of engagement" (some use "collaring" to indicate "play" has started. When the collar comes off; the scenario is ended (this may need a period of "togetherness" to reassure the sub and stop them "crashing") It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen... Just my thoughts Paul x Thank you for your thoughts, I agree and I can definitely relate to the 'crashing' analysis! I am usually such a strong person, I fear, maybe going through such a tough gruelling few months being in a very hard intense musical show, having serious situation at work occur and other general day-to-day commitments, he was there for me as an escapism and fantasy and maybe I became a bit too reliant and the reality was far removed - I believe my exhaustion both physically and emotional left me a bit vulnerable and thus I me made very unwise decisions, that was my friends concerns too - luckily I have people in my life who look out for me, maybe a little too late in this scenario but in future I will consult people with more experience if I'm unsure of anything!!! Thank you x It's like any relationship. Trust is built over time. Enjoy the person you are with, without committing first. Asking for exclusivity on a first meeting would ring alarm bells for me.... Good luck and I hope you can soon make light of this experience. Paul x" Just been reading about the 'Sub Crash/Sub Drop' and Wow, explains a lot! The build up, the endorphins used during a session, whether physically or mentally intense, if the 'sub' doesn't not receive positive reinforcement and good aftercare they can experience a 'Sub Drop'.. As I said earlier I was already exhausted physically and mentally so this on top would have been enough to cause an huge hormonal drop and the added 'distant behaviour and being ignored' from the 'Dom' has resulted in exactly how I feel.. Knowing this actually helps - and will assist me in any future sessions, thank you, I didn't even know it existed... x | |||
"Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger? Cause thats his health at risk there too. You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person. Yes he knew everything and allowed it because he wanted me to be happy and explore desires in a world that he doesn't want to participate in ..That's what upsets me the most, I feel I've let him down too!!! x"Well makes sure he gets tested too now. This fuy will ahve been doing thid with numerous people most likley | |||
"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex! "Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths. Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed. | |||
"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!
Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.
Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed."You make it sound very flippant! We were talking for 3 months before we met, I don't think we missed a day without a lengthy chat!! Yes, I did agree and yes I do feel very foolish, but it was only after what I felt was a firm friendship had been formed, and as naive and stupid as that sounds, I actually trusted him and we both (or so I thought) revealed a lot to each other in those chats over the months! | |||
"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!
Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.
Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed."Yeah I was gonna say 3 months is quite a length. A lot of people can't return more than a couple of messages before they get bored/distracted/their partner finds out. Some - not even that. | |||
"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!
Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.
Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed.
Yeah I was gonna say 3 months is quite a length.
A lot of people can't return more than a couple of messages before they get bored/distracted/their partner finds out. Some - not even that.
"There's a few people I've met who've taken well over a year to pin me down to a meet lol | |||
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