FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > BDSM advice

BDSM advice

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hello ladies and gentleman

I am a 28 male who has a Dom side since I was 19. I did have it all on my profile but took it down as I realised It was putting a lot of people off. I can also be very sensual, passionate and romantic and enjoy the swinging lifestyle very much.

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My view is that it is a way of life and a life style for some people. My view also is that if you are having to ask for advice on here regarding this subject then you are not really a master are you, or experienced and into this as much as you think, or would like to think that you are. From 19-28 is a good few years to have already homed your craft etc etc........ Sorry OP that is nit me trying to have a pop at you or a dig, that is just me stating the obvious, or saying it as I see it......... It is not really my thing to be honest and not something I am into, I just live good full on sex with plenty of passion and snogging....... I also like a good giggle, banter, and conversation with women..... It takes all sorts tho to make the world go around so fair play to you, and good luck finding a sub

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin "

I'm not sure if there are places you can go but maybe search on here for people who enjoy that kind of activity and are willing to chat to you in a non patronising way. It's great if you can meet someone who wants to learn with you because each relationship is different.

We are learning together and are MUCH older than you its great, we communicate, make it up as we go along and have fun...hope you meet someone

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By *reakShow90Man over a year ago

Manchester/halifax

Hi man I have enjoyed bdsm for a long time we will say from 18 but what I have found is read up on it learn as much as you can then maybe go to a bdsm night at a club to find out more and see what your in too.Sex shops just to have a look around and to ask about the toys and other bdsm equipment

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Some learn from switching roles, others from the sub:experienced ones can tell you what they like, but won't all want to help you. Many will though. Munches are good or other events like fetish fairs. Lots of mind stuff in it more than physical.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Get yourself to clubs. Most have dungeon areas which will be populated by like minded people some of whom will be happy to talk to you and give you pointers.

Even better if you go on a BDSM or FET night...many have special events. There you will find everyone is into the scene and may even find the sub that you seek....?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Get yourself to clubs. Most have dungeon areas which will be populated by like minded people some of whom will be happy to talk to you and give you pointers.

Even better if you go on a BDSM or FET night...many have special events. There you will find everyone is into the scene and may even find the sub that you seek....?"

Excellent advice. It's how we got started.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Munches are regularly advertised on the other site you are on, they are social events for the fet/BDSM community and are great for meeting people and you can always learn from them, even the more experienced do as there is always something different or new.

Fet events such as the Freakers Ball at Xtasia are a mix of swing and fet, other clubs such as Townhouse run similar. Clubs with dungeons you can find people and regular events.

In this community it is very much meeting people face to face and building up trust and confidence. Good luck

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

[Removed by poster at 13/06/16 08:29:17]

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Munches are regularly advertised on the other site you are on, they are social events for the fet/BDSM community and are great for meeting people and you can always learn from them, even the more experienced do as there is always something different or new.

Fet events such as the Freakers Ball at Xtasia are a mix of swing and fet, other clubs such as Townhouse run similar. Clubs with dungeons you can find people and regular events.

In this community it is very much meeting people face to face and building up trust and confidence. Good luck"

That's almost exactly what we would have put too...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My view is that it is a way of life and a life style for some people. My view also is that if you are having to ask for advice on here regarding this subject then you are not really a master are you, or experienced and into this as much as you think, or would like to think that you are. From 19-28 is a good few years to have already homed your craft etc etc........ Sorry OP that is nit me trying to have a pop at you or a dig, that is just me stating the obvious, or saying it as I see it......... It is not really my thing to be honest and not something I am into, I just live good full on sex with plenty of passion and snogging....... I also like a good giggle, banter, and conversation with women..... It takes all sorts tho to make the world go around so fair play to you, and good luck finding a sub"

I don't think that the op ever said he was a master, and it took me a lot longer than 9 years to fully commit to my feelings towards bdsm

You stated that bdsm is not your thing a d that's fine, red wine is not my thing, but I would refrain from giving advice to people about it because I know nothing about it.

And to the op, get is a good place to start, read up on the subject, make friends, and find out what your kinks are, it took me a good 15 years to make that step and be comfortable with who I am, and then the learning process began.

I applaud you for asking for guidance, it shows a willingness to learn, and too any people go into it thinking that they know it all, you never stop learning

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By *eavenNhellCouple over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

suggest you join a wellknown fetishlifestyle site search for your local munches get yourself along meet socialise look learn but above all dont be a creepy arsehole

oh and dont think there will be masses of nubile 18yo subbies ready to kneel at your feet with fluttering eyes whilst awaiting your bidding cos it aint like that . like we say be polite be pleasent and you will get there

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks guys for the advice I have got experience of being a Don this is not a new role for me.

I know what fetishes I like. I have never claimed to be a master either. It does anger me when people don't read things properly. Especially when they don't know anything about it

I have had a few play mates, subs and yes I know about the munches thanks I have been to a few and they are great met some fantastic people. Was just looking for alternative ways to find play mates and subs which is perhaps out of the Box. Been to abfabs on fetish night and it is a bit hit and miss.

But I will look up online and see if there's more I can find and yes you are right people it's important to learn you somt get anywhere being big headed and acting like you know it all.

Thanks again everyone that was actually positive and helped.

Justin x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't think that the op ever said he was a master, and it took me a lot longer than 9 years to fully commit to my feelings towards bdsm

You stated that bdsm is not your thing a d that's fine, red wine is not my thing, but I would refrain from giving advice to people about it because I know nothing about it.

I applaud you for asking for guidance, it shows a willingness to learn, and too any people go into it thinking that they know it all, you never stop learning"

I don't recall giving him any advice on BDSM at all. I have no interest in the scene at all. I was merely giving an opinion based on his post and how it read to me. The trouble is tho opinions are like arse holes arnt they, every one has one. . .. I would say good day to you sir, but I din't call any one sir, I am master of no one but my self....... Have a good day tho yeah. Cheers

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin

We are learning together and are MUCH older than you its great, we communicate, make it up as we go along and have fun...hope you meet someone

Thanks for your advice and kind words all the best to you both I do have experience but I want someone willing to go on a journey

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks I know this but thanks for taking the time to give positive input

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Some learn from switching roles, others from the sub:experienced ones can tell you what they like, but won't all want to help you. Many will though. Munches are good or other events like fetish fairs. Lots of mind stuff in it more than physical. "

Thanks for the advice much appritatated xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Get yourself to clubs. Most have dungeon areas which will be populated by like minded people some of whom will be happy to talk to you and give you pointers.

Even better if you go on a BDSM or FET night...many have special events. There you will find everyone is into the scene and may even find the sub that you seek....?"

Thanks very much for your advice but yes I have ticked many of these boxes

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Some of these I haven't heard of I will check them out thank you so much

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin "

Join a different site...

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Fet events such as the Freakers Ball at Xtasia are a mix of swing and fet, other clubs such as Townhouse run similar. Clubs with dungeons you can find people and regular events.

In this community it is very much meeting people face to face and building up trust and confidence. Good luck

That's almost exactly what we would have put too..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I don't think that the op ever said he was a master, and it took me a lot longer than 9 years to fully commit to my feelings towards bdsm

You stated that bdsm is not your thing a d that's fine, red wine is not my thing, but I would refrain from giving advice to people about it because I know nothing about it.

I applaud you for asking for guidance, it shows a willingness to learn, and too any people go into it thinking that they know it all, you never stop learning"

Thank you so much for your kind words it is much appreciated and yes I have always loved learning in life it's a key ingredient to success

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin

Join a different site... "

Any suggestions ??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin

Join a different site...

Any suggestions ??"

Yes but the forum rules prevent me from telling you

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By *asokittyWoman over a year ago

Nr Worksop

He didn't say he was a master he said he had a Dom side.

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By *all and ChainWoman over a year ago

Truro

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin "

1/ there are two distinct groups in the BDSM scene, those who basically live vanilla lives except when they "play" in a "scene" etc, and those who live it 24/7.. it's a bit like the homo/straight thing, you are what you are, trying to be the other thing just to get sex will lead to a lot of disappointment and anguish.

2/ not knowing which you are is fine, plumping for one camp or the other before you know which you are is not.

3/ by all means discuss with others, but never take anyone else's advice as to what you are, barbers will always tell you that you need a haircut.

4/ you are staring out making the classic mistake, seeking a specific goal, someone of your own to play with.

5/ go to the local munches, just to be social, do not seek a playmate, just be open to the possibility, should the *right* person come along.

6/ the scene is like being english, you do not then go down to the Rose & crown and have a bunch of self appointed englishmen tell you they are more english than you, or what you should do to be more english, by being english yourself you contribute somewhat to the overall tapestry and glossary.

7/ "putting people off", if being honest about yourself puts people off, that is double plus good.

8/ Fetlife is like Fab like any other website, even a Star Trek fan club, the one who are in the forums and who are most active in the forums are (to invoke earlier being english analogy) like a pub quiz team from Hereford (which is not in england) telling eveyrone how to be english, or british at least.

9/ Don't use everyone else's labels, it is *entirely* possible that what you call "a Dom side" in 2016 is what would pass as being "a regular bloke" in 1966, eg a "Man" and this is something worthy of consideration when you refer to yourself in this post as a "male"

10/ beware of camouflage in others, not everyone will be everything, or indeed anything, they claim to be, judge them only on the actions you yourself see them take....

5 stars for coming out and saying up front you aren't sure, it's a journey of self discovery which isn't possible if you claim there is nothing to be discovered because you know all what you are.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

He didn't say he was a master he said he had a Dom side. "

Yes it dies not help when people misread stuff can we message each other??

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By *tephanie19631TV/TS over a year ago

oxford

Search the groups on fet im sure there will be a local dating one

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By *piritsonfabCouple over a year ago

Nottingham

Rather than fet nights at swinger events, it's better to go to proper fet events. You need to go to a few for several months to get known. Then, if you have something to offer, you'll find someone to play with and maybe more

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Rather than fet nights at swinger events, it's better to go to proper fet events. You need to go to a few for several months to get known. Then, if you have something to offer, you'll find someone to play with and maybe more

Thanks for the Advice much appreciated

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin

2/ not knowing which you are is fine, plumping for one camp or the other before you know which you are is not.

3/ by all means discuss with others, but never take anyone else's advice as to what you are, barbers will always tell you that you need a haircut.

4/ you are staring out making the classic mistake, seeking a specific goal, someone of your own to play with.

5/ go to the local munches, just to be social, do not seek a playmate, just be open to the possibility, should the *right* person come along.

7/ "putting people off", if being honest about yourself puts people off, that is double plus good.

10/ beware of camouflage in others, not everyone will be everything, or indeed anything, they claim to be, judge them only on the actions you yourself see them take....

5 stars for coming out and saying up front you aren't sure, it's a journey of self discovery which isn't possible if you claim there is nothing to be discovered because you know all what you are.

This person knows what they are talking about.. read and digest! Welcome to my fetlife

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Hello ladies and gentleman

I have been into BDSM since I was 19.

But what am asking is how one would go about finding a playmate. Who enjoys being sub and or looking for something long term to go on a journey.

Places I can go to? Websites I can check out. I am on Fet life but it's not really a place you can message etc like the fab website for meets.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Justin

2/ not knowing which you are is fine, plumping for one camp or the other before you know which you are is not.

3/ by all means discuss with others, but never take anyone else's advice as to what you are, barbers will always tell you that you need a haircut.

4/ you are staring out making the classic mistake, seeking a specific goal, someone of your own to play with.

5/ go to the local munches, just to be social, do not seek a playmate, just be open to the possibility, should the *right* person come along.

7/ "putting people off", if being honest about yourself puts people off, that is double plus good.

10/ beware of camouflage in others, not everyone will be everything, or indeed anything, they claim to be, judge them only on the actions you yourself see them take....

5 stars for coming out and saying up front you aren't sure, it's a journey of self discovery which isn't possible if you claim there is nothing to be discovered because you know all what you are.

Thanks the advice been a great help

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't think that the op ever said he was a master, and it took me a lot longer than 9 years to fully commit to my feelings towards bdsm

You stated that bdsm is not your thing a d that's fine, red wine is not my thing, but I would refrain from giving advice to people about it because I know nothing about it.

I applaud you for asking for guidance, it shows a willingness to learn, and too any people go into it thinking that they know it all, you never stop learning"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

OP where abouts are you based? Find your local munches and meet people you'll soon find play partners

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By *bgandtfCouple over a year ago

sheffield

as someone who spends wayyyy to much time on fetlife

click on your area, or if you can travel further your extended area, look at the groups/events section and you're bound to find a munch and possibly even a play event (esp if you can widen the search more!)

there is so many connections to be made on fet, but you won't find as much luck if you're approaching people guns blazing, some people in fetlife are monogamous, some only play in there friend circle, and some are more than happy to play with others when they meet, but prefer to have a friendly connection first. As for mentoring, in our local scene we're lucky to have experienced players who are happy to have people watch at events and share knowledge, but we also have vanilla meets where we chat about stuff, put the time into your local community and you'll soon reap the benifits

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't think that the op ever said he was a master, and it took me a lot longer than 9 years to fully commit to my feelings towards bdsm

You stated that bdsm is not your thing a d that's fine, red wine is not my thing, but I would refrain from giving advice to people about it because I know nothing about it.

I applaud you for asking for guidance, it shows a willingness to learn, and too any people go into it thinking that they know it all, you never stop learning

I've been around the Bdsm/Fet scene for a very long time and I'm still learning and re-learning. My advice to you would be discover who you are. Never try to be something you're not. And above all respect yourself and those around you.. good luck to you man

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I don't think that the op ever said he was a master, and it took me a lot longer than 9 years to fully commit to my feelings towards bdsm

You stated that bdsm is not your thing a d that's fine, red wine is not my thing, but I would refrain from giving advice to people about it because I know nothing about it.

I applaud you for asking for guidance, it shows a willingness to learn, and too any people go into it thinking that they know it all, you never stop learning

Thank you very much

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"as someone who spends wayyyy to much time on fetlife

Yes thank you for the advice , all you said is very true

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"OP where abouts are you based? Find your local munches and meet people you'll soon find play partners"

I am based in Berkshire mate

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And while I'm thinking about it.. not everything is the same for everyone. So listern to advice and take from it what suits you.. and try and look beyond your nose. Bdsm is very very mental even if it doesn't appear to be.. and of course enjoy it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"And while I'm thinking about it.. not everything is the same for everyone. So listern to advice and take from it what suits you.. and try and look beyond your nose. Bdsm is very very mental even if it doesn't appear to be.. and of course enjoy it

Yes BDSM is a lot more mental then physical you are correct

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes BDSM is a lot more mental then physical you are correct

I know I am

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Yes BDSM is a lot more mental then physical you are correct

I know I am

Just sent you both a polite mail

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By *acavityMan over a year ago

Redditch

Some dating sites are better than others.

I can't name the one that seems most kink friendly (and I'm blocked from PMing) but if you answer a lot of questions, it's supposed to match you based on that.

OK cupid

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