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best insult you've ever heard
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By *igjrv OP Man
over a year ago
blackwood |
A man on an escalator this afternoon in front of me in sainsburys. Theres an automated voice that warns when your near the bottom. After it spoke to him. He replied. I fucking know I have eyes you fucked up gypsy fuck, then as he stepped off, he told the speaker to go fuck a goat. Omg it absolutely floored me. Proper belly laugh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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best one was in que at works canteen he asked what was the special she showed him a home made curry she made herself he looked at it and said nah thanks just give me a sick note ill skip the food and just go straight on the panel  |
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By *o-jCouple
over a year ago
Outskirts of Notts |
One that we were told at one bar to use if we were being pestered .
Are you trying to chat me up ?
I might be ( or some such )
Well I'd rather you didn't .
Why not do you have a boyfriend or something ( Tis the usual answer )
I've already got 1 twat in my knickers thank you ....... ( just loud enough for his mates to hear )
Jo x |
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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago
hertfordshire |
myy 3 year old grandson asked my hubby why do you not brush teeth and wheres hair lol
shopkeeper i know asked my mum her age then asked her if she was right in her head!!!! (his mum has dementia) but my mums face was a picture
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Out with my mate who is a lovely large lady, A lad told her to get off the dancefloor as she would break it , her response was, you wanna take a look at yourself pal , have you seen your ears, you look like a ford capri with its doors open wide |
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A true story !!!
Guy gets pulled over by the cops for speeding and had no drivers license on his person so was asked to present his license at the local cop shop within 21 days!!
Few days later he turns up at the police station to present his license, rings the bell at the hatch and the sergeant opens the hatch. The sergeant says hello to the man and his kid who was curiously hanging onto his fathers coat sleeve. Just as the man is explaining the situation to the sergeant the kid tugs his sleeve and as loud as he could says "Daddy, daddy you told me we were going to see the pigs!!"  
Lucky for him the sergeant saw the funny side  |
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""I would love to continue this battle of wits but I see that you have come unarmed."
Much Ado About Nothing - Beatrice.
The old ones are the best ones.  "
Indeed! He produced some magnificent curses!
'Thou crusty batch of nature'*
is one cuss I have given to a very deserving recipient....
*Troilus and Cressida
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By *ames6ft5Man
over a year ago
North London / Herts |
Whatever your politics this is the point you simply need to google "Osbourn insults" and follow the first link.
Examples include:
George_Osbourne You're an irredeemable cockthistle
George_Osborne A HOUSING BUBBLE IS NOT AN ECONOMIC RECOVERY YOU FUCKING KNOB-SHINING SHITEHAWK
George_Osbourn they piss in your coffee when you're not looking
@George_Osborne you couldn't manage a fucking piggy bank you inbred delusional wankstain.
You're welcome
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By *hoco DMan
over a year ago
Clapham |
"One that we were told at one bar to use if we were being pestered .
Are you trying to chat me up ?
I might be ( or some such )
Well I'd rather you didn't .
Why not do you have a boyfriend or something ( Tis the usual answer )
I've already got 1 twat in my knickers thank you ....... ( just loud enough for his mates to hear )
Jo x"
To easy to counter... you mention twat I mention my cock that likes to to sort out twas like your ( just loud enough for my mates to hear ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wonderful story of Atlee standing next to Churchill at the urinals in the gents outside the Commons. Churchill moves away from Atlee. Atlee, slightly offended, says, "Winston, we may have many political differences but you don't need to go that far"! To which Churchill replied, "Oh, I'm not taking any chances Clement! I know you! You just nationalise anything you see that's big and works properly"!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Type into YouTube "Boris Johnson insult"! The top vid is hilarious! He lambasts the members of the London Assembly as something like 'Great, supine, protoplasmic invertebrate jellies'!
Top marks for an imaginative put-down!  |
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"Not sure if this was a Churchill special
Woman to Churchill. "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your food"
Churchill to woman. "If I was married to you, I'd eat it""
Yes and supposedly, when berated for being d*unk by MP Bessie Braddock: 'My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.
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"Not sure if this was a Churchill special
Woman to Churchill. "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your food"
Churchill to woman. "If I was married to you, I'd eat it""
Another womsn to Churchill. .."You sir , are d*unk and odious"....."And you are ugly Madam, but in the morning, I will be sober" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You oxygen thieving waste of human skin. If your dad had wanked 28 years ago the world would be a better place, instead he climbed on your mum and made you"
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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago
Hull |
A kind of put down I used on one of my guests at work last week.
He was French and attempting to ask me something but only in his own language. He then thundered at me in English, "You British should be speaking French as it's a superior language!"
My reply.. "Well, if that's the case, why was your recent entry in the Eurovision Song Contest sung in English?"
He couldn't answer! |
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"Not sure if this was a Churchill special
Woman to Churchill. "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your food"
Churchill to woman. "If I was married to you, I'd eat it"
Another womsn to Churchill. .."You sir , are d*unk and odious"....."And you are ugly Madam, but in the morning, I will be sober""
snap! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My old Sgt Major to me on muster parade : why are you looking up in the air ?
Me : looking at the birds sir.
Sgt Major : I envy you. You are mercifully free from the ravages of any intelligence.
Me : Thank you for the compliment sir.
My punishment.... Standing at attention for two hours. Every time I bird flew by I had to salute it and sing kumbaya my lord. |
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verbally wounded by a 3 year old 
