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jokes part 2
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"I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party...you should have seen her face" Lol very good! | |||
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 Apparently wrapping your cock in a copy of the Beano and wanking is not Comic Relief!  | |||
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Police say She probably saw her attacker coming... | |||
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"I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party...you should have seen her face" | |||
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"A Scottish couple took in an 19-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!" "Lol I love Darts!  | |||
Do you want us to try one week,
without a picture? | |||
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I don't want you to panic but I'm texting from casusalty...
Turns out the new Dyson Ball Cleaner isnt what I thought it was..... | |||
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"Inspect her Gadget"
"Womb Raider"
"One blew over the hooker's chest"
"Night of the giving head"
"Thrush hour"
"Ass Ventura"
"Hannah mounts Anna"
"Reservoir dogging"
"Three willys"
"Cumblob Squidgypants"
and my Favourite
P'Edward dildo hand's! | |||
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"ive just caught my goldfish havin a wank over some prawn." Lol Love it! | |||
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Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was about tyre safety!!! | |||
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He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok , I watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok it was a porno" cries the son.
"What when I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa!
He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mum! | |||
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If you could sponsor me,
please log on to;-
www.likefuckiam.co.uk | |||
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It makes men more cocky and Women easier to lay! | |||
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call the pizza shoppie do you do takeaway ?
yes we do takeaway
ok then whats 86 minus 33
call the fire brigade up
ask em for a light | |||
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"Shhhhhh!!.......Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you.......And you're gonna love it...................But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it............Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you big time.....Lots of love, Petrol prices xx " ah, so sweet | |||
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Just had one woman from the sperm bank,
fuck me did I give her a mouthful. | |||
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The old man says
"Im 96 and don't have much use for a hard on, i just want it stickin out far enough to stop me pissin on me slippers."
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I took it back to her and we got chatting, After a few beers and a bit of flirting, I took her home and shagged her all night. I asked her, do you Shag everyone on a first date?
She said "no, Only those that catch my eye." | |||
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"My knees are swollen from too much foreplay with the wife. Three hours of begging for sex will do that. " Lol I get that problem all the time, I have even offered to sit through a whole episode of bloody eastenders! | |||
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in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
1st man was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
2nd man was a butcher so his would be sliced off.
3rd man rolled about in hysterics!
his captors asked what was so funny?
He replied: I work for Dyson!
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the doctor replys "blimey how do your trousers fit?"
Man says, "like a glove!"
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Bless her, she just took it on the chin.. | |||
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"A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. .. . . "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." " ewwwwwwwww
lol | |||
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I'll shag you for five hours solid and give you eight orgasms ."
He got back to her place and lasted all of 30 seconds, She shouted at him,
"Oy, what happened to the five hour shag and the eight orgasms?" He replied,
"Sorry love, I'm a builder......
it was only an estimate." | |||
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" Bloke walking down the street, a brick in each hand, singing away merrily. "Twenty five today, twenty five today." A Yoof approaches the man and asks "You sound happy, is it your birthday?" At which point, the man smacks him around the ears with the bricks. "Twenty six today, tewnty six today"" o m g ... best laugh i've had in quite a few days there Mushy | |||
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The old d*unk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. | |||
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"Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old d*unk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ?
The old d*unk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. "clearly a chelsea fan with a chip on his shoulder | |||
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"Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old d*unk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ?
The old d*unk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
clearly a chelsea fan with a chip on his shoulder "Clearly a southern Manc with no seance of humour lmao | |||
Their personalities. | |||
Lipstick | |||
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"A lone woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am. Could you tell me where i am." The man below replied, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "Thank you," said the balloonist, "you must be a bean counter." "Yes, I am," replied the man, "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is factually correct but fucking useless." The man below responded, "Aagh, you must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."" so subtle... no mention of the glass ceiling | |||
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"A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran over Wayne Rooney". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, he tried to escape through the park." "If he tried to escape through the park how would that leave grass, branches and dirt on his assailant's car? I don't get it, or is it just a shit joke? | |||
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"The guy who got eaten by sharks in The Seychelles didn't suffer too much - he was only married for 10 days. "Bad taste Wishy, not like you at all | |||
"The guy who got eaten by sharks in The Seychelles didn't suffer too much - he was only married for 10 days.
Bad taste Wishy, not like you at all"Saw it on Facebook, I chuckled at the marriage part, not him being eaten by a shark. | |||
"The guy who got eaten by sharks in The Seychelles didn't suffer too much - he was only married for 10 days.
Bad taste Wishy, not like you at all
Saw it on Facebook, I chuckled at the marriage part, not him being eaten by a shark. "Unfortunately the woman will forever be his widow | |||
"The guy who got eaten by sharks in The Seychelles didn't suffer too much - he was only married for 10 days.
Bad taste Wishy, not like you at all
Saw it on Facebook, I chuckled at the marriage part, not him being eaten by a shark.
Unfortunately the woman will forever be his widow"Yup, a wealthy one though as their insurance will pay out as I'm sure the Seychelles authorities will give her quite a bit too considering they totally fucked it up out there and should have closed those beaches after the frenchman was killed. | |||
"The guy who got eaten by sharks in The Seychelles didn't suffer too much - he was only married for 10 days.
Bad taste Wishy, not like you at all
Saw it on Facebook, I chuckled at the marriage part, not him being eaten by a shark.
Unfortunately the woman will forever be his widow
Yup, a wealthy one though as their insurance will pay out as I'm sure the Seychelles authorities will give her quite a bit too considering they totally fucked it up out there and should have closed those beaches after the frenchman was killed."I'm sure she'd prefer her husband back | |||
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"Lastest Sports Update:Bolton Wanderers Player Patrice Muamba recovering slowly,he now has limited movement in his arms and legs, he can move his head from side to side. Liverpool have offered a straight swop for Andy Carrol." crap joke that, an a bit slow aswell. | |||
"Wayne Rooney visited Patrice Muamba at his hospital bedside. Reports indicated that the conversation was stinted with a few coherant sentences strung to gether. Patrice Muamba said he was very impressed with Rooney's efforts." booorrrrreeeee! | |||
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"Wouldn't expect anyone from Warrington to appreciate the subtly's of a football joke.Or even the word subtle! There aren't any Rugby jokes doing the rounds because the whole "game" of Rugby is laughable. When you next stop dragging your knuckles across the floor to raise them to your laptop,try and concentrate on the figures before you (or get your Mum to do the typing) there's a space between "as well" or try the word "also" it's less buttons for you to press." sorry gramps, but at least do some research before you make assumptions, as you may find out i actually come from liverpool, only been in warrington a short time, and i am a bigger football fan than you would ever know. as for your spelling police work, i hope you get the promotion your arselicking/tonguefucking deserves. | |||
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