FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Your duty or not..
Your duty or not..
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
If your mother or father were sick,but needed care at home and not in hospital,would you care for them yourself,or would you put them in a home.I work but i am giving up now to care for my mum full time.Would you |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
no.
they weren't great bringing us up my mum tried her best i suppose, but when i had kids of my own she ignored them and only bothered with my sisters kids, this hurt me a lot. eventually i accepted it then it hurt my kids as well. the relationship with my parents ended eventually.
i couldn't care for them now if i tried. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
If I am being honest. No I don't think I would.
We have a very fragile relationship and I doubt living together, no matter what the circumstance, would be good for either of us.
My husbands family is another matter, his dad needed end of life care and wanted to remain at home. For a couple of weeks and everyone pulled together and did whatever needed to be done, willingly and with a smile for him.
We come from very different familes and backgrounds. And I envy my husbands family and their closeness.
xx
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
We all have are reasons why we would and why we wouldn't,but the thought of my mum going in a home ,scares me to death,as you hear so much these days,she is 89 now and i want the time she has left to be happy  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I converted my double garage into a house for my father. The man who treated me like shit all my life.
I have care for him four days a week. My wife goes in on Thursday and I do Saturday and Sunday.
So yes. I consider it my duty. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
My mum is just so grateful and shes a joy to be with,her mind is young but her body is not,i have four brothers but they lead very busy lives,I'm the only girl so its down to me,as long as i have breath in me,then here she is staying. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I wouldn't look after my parents no
I was put into care when I was a young child, my gran got custody of me and my sister and we was bought up by my grandparents
I don't really have anything to do with my parents, so no I wouldn't give up my life to look after them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My mum is just so grateful and shes a joy to be with,her mind is young but her body is not,i have four brothers but they lead very busy lives,I'm the only girl so its down to me,as long as i have breath in me,then here she is staying."
I have a sister but she's crap. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"No I wouldn't won't say why.
I am at the moment looking after eldest daughter who has a long term illness and I will keep doing this as long as I can "
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Probably not give up work unless I was specifically asked to by them. It wouldn't make sense financially. I'd let them live with me though.
You'd 'let them'..."
Your just being picky now  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I would do all I can but become a full time carer, no.
My mum took care of my grandma for years, she lost her friends, her sense of identity and what were supposed to be the best years of her life. Now she feels like her life has been nothing but a waste, running around after everyone else. She wouldn't want that for me and has already said so. I also have a husband and 3 children who I have to split my time between so there just isn't enough of me to go round.
Mrs x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Probably not give up work unless I was specifically asked to by them. It wouldn't make sense financially. I'd let them live with me though.
You'd 'let them'..."
Yes, I'd give them permission to live in my house. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Nope I'd shoot the pair of %=÷÷÷÷÷÷ true story omg
OK I'd do what they did to me. Put them in the nastiest home I can find "
I can relate to that
The thing is I wouldn't lower myself to their standards, to abuse an elderly person because they abused you as a child makes you no better than them
I'd rather rise above it and stay away from them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No I wouldn't won't say why.
I am at the moment looking after eldest daughter who has a long term illness and I will keep doing this as long as I can "
I think people that haven't experienced care giving before won't understand why you say you wouldn't. I completely understand. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Probably not give up work unless I was specifically asked to by them. It wouldn't make sense financially. I'd let them live with me though.
You'd 'let them'...
Yes, I'd give them permission to live in my house."
What a polite person! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Probably not give up work unless I was specifically asked to by them. It wouldn't make sense financially. I'd let them live with me though.
You'd 'let them'...
Yes, I'd give them permission to live in my house.
What a polite person!"
What would you do then?
No matter how you phrase it your still allowing your parents to live with you, picking fault on how it's worded don't change what your doing |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Probably not give up work unless I was specifically asked to by them. It wouldn't make sense financially. I'd let them live with me though.
You'd 'let them'...
Yes, I'd give them permission to live in my house.
What a polite person!"
I'm not following your issue with what I've said. I wouldn't just move into a relative's house without permission, none of my family would either. Perhaps you just haven't basic manners to consider permission an unacceptable concept. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I don't think it's a duty, as some have said they didn't have great parents. I cared for my mum for 4 years after my dad died. Was hard as I'm a full time carer for my son. I did it because I wanted to. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Nope I'd shoot the pair of %=÷÷÷÷÷÷ true story omg
OK I'd do what they did to me. Put them in the nastiest home I can find
I can relate to that
The thing is I wouldn't lower myself to their standards, to abuse an elderly person because they abused you as a child makes you no better than them
I'd rather rise above it and stay away from them "
That's why they are no part of my life never met my kids and I've no idea if they are drawing breath or not. Well not quite true I know my mums dead. Shrugs |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't think it's a duty, as some have said they didn't have great parents. I cared for my mum for 4 years after my dad died. Was hard as I'm a full time carer for my son. I did it because I wanted to."
Same here |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't think it's a duty, as some have said they didn't have great parents. I cared for my mum for 4 years after my dad died. Was hard as I'm a full time carer for my son. I did it because I wanted to."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
At this moment in time I wouldn't be able too.
My house isn't large enough to accommodate another person.
I'm not financially secure enough to leave full time work.
Also having gone through end of life care it would also depend on what type of care was needed. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
No i wouldnt look after them.
My dad is dead already. My mum has alzheimers and has her partner as her carer.
If he was ill or died then mum would have to go into a home.
My mum is aggresive and frequently nasty and that isnt to do with her alzheimers it how she was all her life.
I wouldnt and dont considor it my duty to look after her as my childhood wasnt fun unless you call being hit, not given enough food, being left alone, not allowed to wear clean clothes very often fun !
She has enough money to fund a care home. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't think it's a duty, as some have said they didn't have great parents. I cared for my mum for 4 years after my dad died. Was hard as I'm a full time carer for my son. I did it because I wanted to."
I looked after my nan when she was ill, everybody in my family helps because she was a wonderful person, we did not out of love not duty |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Nope. They were shit parents and still are. Let someone else put up with them."
Same opinion as me. I would leave my mother in a heartbeat to a lonely old age as it is nothing more than she deserves. I wouldn't look after my dad either, but I would visit occasionally, much like he does to me! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No I wouldn't won't say why.
I am at the moment looking after eldest daughter who has a long term illness and I will keep doing this as long as I can
I think people that haven't experienced care giving before won't understand why you say you wouldn't. I completely understand. "
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Plus i work fulltime to pay a mortgage and household bills and i live in am old 3 storey house that couldnt be altered to make safe for her.
I wouldnt anyway though. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This thread is going to go in a different direction me thinks  "
It's an emotive subject & will probably become apparent that some cannot accept others life choices. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Plus i work fulltime to pay a mortgage and household bills and i live in am old 3 storey house that couldnt be altered to make safe for her.
I wouldnt anyway though."
Me to ,but ive got a downstairs bathroom to,thank goodness. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm not even sure my father would want me to care for him, out of pride. He's said no when I've asked previously and wishes to go to a nursing home if necessary. Did you all discuss this with the relative before deciding? Would be awful if the relative can't stand you and is forced to see your mug everyday. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
I'm an only child. I'm a single mum of 3. I work full time. I put my mum in sheltered housing after struggling on with her for 2 years after my dad died (he was her main carer) she wasn't keen but there was no option. I can't do it all and I wasn't prepared to give up work to do it and live off benefits. Some may see me as harsh. I don't care. My mother even sees me as that at times. Until anyone has been in your position they have no right to judge. Do what feels right for you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This thread is going to go in a different direction me thinks "
I think it's because if you just say no I wouldn't it makes you sound selfish and uncaring
So in order to not sound like that people feel they need to justify their reasons for not looking after their parents |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its going to be hard as shes had a spinal stroke and can no longer walk,but manage i will "
Have you got a good care plan in place, in my limited experience it is the everyday things we take for granted that can snowball into a bigger issue.
Also find out what your locally health authority's position is on bedsores, it's conditions like that, that can really bring a person down as well as being incredibly painful. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm an only child. I'm a single mum of 3. I work full time. I put my mum in sheltered housing after struggling on with her for 2 years after my dad died (he was her main carer) she wasn't keen but there was no option. I can't do it all and I wasn't prepared to give up work to do it and live off benefits. Some may see me as harsh. I don't care. My mother even sees me as that at times. Until anyone has been in your position they have no right to judge. Do what feels right for you. "
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
"I'm an only child. I'm a single mum of 3. I work full time. I put my mum in sheltered housing after struggling on with her for 2 years after my dad died (he was her main carer) she wasn't keen but there was no option. I can't do it all and I wasn't prepared to give up work to do it and live off benefits. Some may see me as harsh. I don't care. My mother even sees me as that at times. Until anyone has been in your position they have no right to judge. Do what feels right for you. "
Also I don't see it as my duty. I have no happy memories of my mother and she's the most selfish person I know. Despite being in sheltered housing I'm still on call to her 24/7 as the next of kin. My eldest son also adores her so I have to play nice. However I never asked to be landed with that responsibility and had I not got her in when I did I would have resented her even more. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Its going to be hard as shes had a spinal stroke and can no longer walk,but manage i will
Have you got a good care plan in place, in my limited experience it is the everyday things we take for granted that can snowball into a bigger issue.
Also find out what your locally health authority's position is on bedsores, it's conditions like that, that can really bring a person down as well as being incredibly painful."
Its ok I'm a trained nurse |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Plus i work fulltime to pay a mortgage and household bills and i live in am old 3 storey house that couldnt be altered to make safe for her.
I wouldnt anyway though. Me to ,but ive got a downstairs bathroom to,thank goodness."
No downstairs bathroom here and no place for her to sleep. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ngeluk69Woman
over a year ago
Near enough |
I HAD to care for both of my parents, a very hard job to do.
My dad had lung cancer and died 4 days after my mum was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and the day after her first chemo. I had to arrange a funeral for him while looking after mum and also my own 2 children. I became my mums full time carer from then on, after having looked after my dad for 8 months.
22 months later my mum passed away and the relief was immense, the pain was awful and the empty space is still there.
I miss them both terribly but have to focus on the good memories we had together and the laughs we had, even at the end.
Would I want to do it again? Not through choice |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think it is probably best to promise to do as much as you can for as long as you can....
There will be days when you will feel mentally and physically drained"
Yes that side of things worry me a bit. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This thread is going to go in a different direction me thinks
I think it's because if you just say no I wouldn't it makes you sound selfish and uncaring
So in order to not sound like that people feel they need to justify their reasons for not looking after their parents "
yeah i think so as well and explained myself.
i am being uncaring and being selfish. my dad came up tomine last year after he had an operation on his legs and hinted he needs help with himself and my mum. i didn't take him on.
let the people he looked after look after him, they're bad for my mental health as well. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its going to be hard as shes had a spinal stroke and can no longer walk,but manage i will
Have you got a good care plan in place, in my limited experience it is the everyday things we take for granted that can snowball into a bigger issue.
Also find out what your locally health authority's position is on bedsores, it's conditions like that, that can really bring a person down as well as being incredibly painful. Its ok I'm a trained nurse "
Im a nurse too and have extensive knowledge of looking after the elderly with alzheimers ... i still wouldnt though ! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
no my own parents no as i have fk all to do with them but my ex fatherinlaw i care for deeply and would keep him home as long as poss - he lives a fair way away though and he is fit as a fiddle atm - i work in a care home for dementia amongst other things and we look after the family/friends as well as the resident - understanding as seeing the whole picture is very important |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I looked after my mum after my dad passed away.When I say looked after I mean I visited her 4 times a week.She was hellish independent.I did all her shopping paid her bills,drew her pension.I'm glad I did because she had a fall and was lying there for 12 hours before I arrived.She was admitted to hospital where she sadly died of an enlarged heart.
I am happy that she died with dignity lying in bed instead of on the fall in agony.She must have known something because she is a nibbler with food hardly eats,because the Christmas dinner I cooked for her was a heaped plate(and I mean heaped)of Lamb,broccoli,peas carrots and turnips,followed by Christmas pud and custard she wolfed the whole lot down.So obviously my answer is yes to looking after your parents. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its going to be hard as shes had a spinal stroke and can no longer walk,but manage i will
Have you got a good care plan in place, in my limited experience it is the everyday things we take for granted that can snowball into a bigger issue.
Also find out what your locally health authority's position is on bedsores, it's conditions like that, that can really bring a person down as well as being incredibly painful. Its ok I'm a trained nurse "
You will know all about the above then
Make sure you schedule in some you time too x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm an only child. I'm a single mum of 3. I work full time. I put my mum in sheltered housing after struggling on with her for 2 years after my dad died (he was her main carer) she wasn't keen but there was no option. I can't do it all and I wasn't prepared to give up work to do it and live off benefits. Some may see me as harsh. I don't care. My mother even sees me as that at times. Until anyone has been in your position they have no right to judge. Do what feels right for you.
Also I don't see it as my duty. I have no happy memories of my mother and she's the most selfish person I know. Despite being in sheltered housing I'm still on call to her 24/7 as the next of kin. My eldest son also adores her so I have to play nice. However I never asked to be landed with that responsibility and had I not got her in when I did I would have resented her even more. "
For what it's worth you did 10x more than I'd have done for mine. People can call me what they like it doesn't bother me at all. I take pride in being a real father to my kids something my parents had no clue about with me. You reap what you saw |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I work for a domicilliary care company (admin not the carer side) and it's really warped my view of how the elderly and other vulnerable adults in this Country are treated by family, friends and Social Services in some instances, who are supposed to have their best interest at heart. It's disgusting. From stealing/withholding money, to physical abuse/mental abuse and financial greed, and some Social Workers who are useless. It's so sad.
I'd look after my mum as much as I could, (and we all live together now anyway) if she reached a point that I could no longer physically cope then it would have to be a home.
My mum looked after my nan and step-dad at home when they were both poorly, as well as working, so I know how stressful and all consuming it can be.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Wldnt quit my job, but yes would definately take time to care for them  they cared for me when I was younger so it's only right I do the same.
And wld hope my future kids wld do the same for me 1 day too  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I think it is probably best to promise to do as much as you can for as long as you can....
There will be days when you will feel mentally and physically drained Yes that side of things worry me a bit."
But that is also normal in everyday life! and when you make the decision you do manage... its a strange parent/child reversal |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
sometimes you simply have no choice - your own health - own family etc are all considerations - i look after a lot of people who need 24/7 care for many reasons - some are very agressive for example and its nigh impossible to look after a person and manage life |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Do I see it as my duty? Yes, I do.
Am I able to fulfil it? No, I am not.
My beloved dad has vascular dementia. At the moment he's still well enough to live independently, but when that changes I will have no choice but to put him into a nursing home. I'm a single parent to four children, three of whom have additional needs. I also have my own health concerns. As much as I want to look after him, I simply cannot. It wouldn't be fair on any of us. That brings me great sadness. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"Do I see it as my duty? Yes, I do.
Am I able to fulfil it? No, I am not.
My beloved dad has vascular dementia. At the moment he's still well enough to live independently, but when that changes I will have no choice but to put him into a nursing home. I'm a single parent to four children, three of whom have additional needs. I also have my own health concerns. As much as I want to look after him, I simply cannot. It wouldn't be fair on any of us. That brings me great sadness. "
You're making the right choice for you. Being a carer can have disastrous consequences for your health. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I would move home. I don't think I'd hesitate. My parents have done all they could and more for us. I'd not give up my job if I could help it but I'd certainly give up my free time and get help in before I'd put them in a home. It would depend on what was wrong though, if their quality of life was an issue then we'd go on holiday to Switzerland.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
Yes I would, I regularly go and clean my dad's house now. I travel nearly 2 hours to see him spend 30 mins with him and the test of the time cleaning the house... I've found new forms of life in the fridge.
Trying to get my dad more active since mum died last year |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My family has given me everything they can, it is only right that their love and kindness be repaid.
Might be difficult to achieve, hope I can find a way when that time comes.. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My family has given me everything they can, it is only right that their love and kindness be repaid.
Might be difficult to achieve, hope I can find a way when that time comes.."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It wouldn't be possible to care for my mum or dad on a 24 hour basis as I work night's and my sister works full time. It can be such a lovely environment for them with people their own age and similar interests. They also aren't bound to stay there and can come and go as they please so between myself and my sister and friends they would be out as much as in the home but also getting cared for. I work in a care home and would have no second thoughts letting my mum stay in one x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
This is my job, community palliative care.
I go in to give the family's respite as it can be very challenging emotionally & physically.
I love my job & wouldn't want to work in any other care sector.
It started from when I cared for my Father 3 years ago, he didn't want to die in hospital or in a hospice so it was a no brainer for me.
It is a big decision though & don't forget there are many outside resources available to you if you choose to be a carer for a family member xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My parents always told me they didn't ever want us to look after them and if they were unable to look after themselves would want to go into a home.
I'm not sure if that's because my gran lived with us whilst suffering dementia so my parents understand how difficult it is.
I'm hoping I never find myself in the position where I have to decide. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
The government are very kind ,paying full time carers who do 24 hours a day looking after loved ones,62 pounds a week,cost them hundreds more than that in a care home. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This is my job, community palliative care.
I go in to give the family's respite as it can be very challenging emotionally & physically.
I love my job & wouldn't want to work in any other care sector.
It started from when I cared for my Father 3 years ago, he didn't want to die in hospital or in a hospice so it was a no brainer for me.
It is a big decision though & don't forget there are many outside resources available to you if you choose to be a carer for a family member xx "
Yes there are,they have put in a hospital bed for her ,and are sending in help every morning for six weeks,but after that time i shall have to pay for them to come in and help,which i dont mind at all,its very hard to suddenly have to wash her,its not very dignified,and she hates that's shes lost her independence. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face."
I totally hear you and the only answer I have to any of it is love. I don't doubt that it would suck ass. I don't doubt that all our dignity would go out the window but I can say, hand on heart that I'd rather it was me doing it for them than a stranger. I'm not even sure I've thought about that before but that's my gut instinct. Love. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
That's not to say everyone would make the same choice, I can only speak for myself. There's no shame in being unable to cope and seeking help elsewhere. I'd like to think I'd be able to afford a balance but I'm not sure I could justify a nursing home either financially or in my conscience. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This is my job, community palliative care.
I go in to give the family's respite as it can be very challenging emotionally & physically.
I love my job & wouldn't want to work in any other care sector.
It started from when I cared for my Father 3 years ago, he didn't want to die in hospital or in a hospice so it was a no brainer for me.
It is a big decision though & don't forget there are many outside resources available to you if you choose to be a carer for a family member xx Yes there are,they have put in a hospital bed for her ,and are sending in help every morning for six weeks,but after that time i shall have to pay for them to come in and help,which i dont mind at all,its very hard to suddenly have to wash her,its not very dignified,and she hates that's shes lost her independence."
Do you mind if I msg you privately? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face.
I totally hear you and the only answer I have to any of it is love. I don't doubt that it would suck ass. I don't doubt that all our dignity would go out the window but I can say, hand on heart that I'd rather it was me doing it for them than a stranger. I'm not even sure I've thought about that before but that's my gut instinct. Love. "
People who choose alternatives also love elderly and ailing parents.
Towards the end of my mother's life I literally could not do it anymore. I was physically, emotionally and psychologically broken. And the relationship between my mother and I had changed. I was just a carer. We could no longer enjoy being mother and daughter. That was something I was unprepared for.
Looking at the situation through rose tinted glasses by imagining 'love' will get you through is naive I'm afraid and that's how I saw it. But after 9 years of unrelenting work (as it is WORK) with barely a day off, that is exactly what can happen particularly if your parent ends up severely disabled as happened to both my parents.
In the last year of my mother's life I had to get carers in. And I'm glad I did as I could then go back to the mother /daughter relationship. And that made a huge difference to my mum too. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think it depends on the wishes of the person who needs care too. It can alter a relationship when you become a carer for a close relative. It also takes a certain type of person. Not everyone can do it either physically or emotionally. I applaud those that can do it. I understand those who can't. As long as it's the best outcome for the person requiring care, that's the main thing. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"I think it depends on the wishes of the person who needs care too. It can alter a relationship when you become a carer for a close relative. It also takes a certain type of person. Not everyone can do it either physically or emotionally. I applaud those that can do it. I understand those who can't. As long as it's the best outcome for the person requiring care, that's the main thing. "
And that's the point.
Try walking a mile in someone's shoes.
I'd never want my daughter to sacrifice years of her life caring for me.
That said my mother enjoyed a longer lifespan and better quality of life because I cared for her. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face.
I totally hear you and the only answer I have to any of it is love. I don't doubt that it would suck ass. I don't doubt that all our dignity would go out the window but I can say, hand on heart that I'd rather it was me doing it for them than a stranger. I'm not even sure I've thought about that before but that's my gut instinct. Love.
People who choose alternatives also love elderly and ailing parents.
Towards the end of my mother's life I literally could not do it anymore. I was physically, emotionally and psychologically broken. And the relationship between my mother and I had changed. I was just a carer. We could no longer enjoy being mother and daughter. That was something I was unprepared for.
Looking at the situation through rose tinted glasses by imagining 'love' will get you through is naive I'm afraid and that's how I saw it. But after 9 years of unrelenting work (as it is WORK) with barely a day off, that is exactly what can happen particularly if your parent ends up severely disabled as happened to both my parents.
In the last year of my mother's life I had to get carers in. And I'm glad I did as I could then go back to the mother /daughter relationship. And that made a huge difference to my mum too."
I absolutely did not mean to suggest that people who don't care for their parents didn't love them (see my following post), you made me think about it, that's all. Sorry if it sounded like that. I can't even begin to image what the reality is, not even slightly, but my instant reaction to your post that it would be through love. You made me ponder.
It wouldn't occur to me that the mother/daughter relationship would disappear but that's because I have no experience to base my feeling on. It would just be my gut feeling that if I were able to, then I would at least try. As I said in my very first post, I'd hopefully be in a position to have help rather than rely on a nursing home, I've already had that conversation with my parents. Morbid perhaps but the reality is that they're super fit and more active than me so we're all hoping they'll last forever and when they go, we hope they'll get mowed down by a truck when they're out on their bikes. 
We rely on humour in our family but I don't want to watch one without the other. Fifty two years married and I hope they die in some tragic accident (not for quite some time I might add) so that they go doing something they love together. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face.
I totally hear you and the only answer I have to any of it is love. I don't doubt that it would suck ass. I don't doubt that all our dignity would go out the window but I can say, hand on heart that I'd rather it was me doing it for them than a stranger. I'm not even sure I've thought about that before but that's my gut instinct. Love.
People who choose alternatives also love elderly and ailing parents.
Towards the end of my mother's life I literally could not do it anymore. I was physically, emotionally and psychologically broken. And the relationship between my mother and I had changed. I was just a carer. We could no longer enjoy being mother and daughter. That was something I was unprepared for.
Looking at the situation through rose tinted glasses by imagining 'love' will get you through is naive I'm afraid and that's how I saw it. But after 9 years of unrelenting work (as it is WORK) with barely a day off, that is exactly what can happen particularly if your parent ends up severely disabled as happened to both my parents.
In the last year of my mother's life I had to get carers in. And I'm glad I did as I could then go back to the mother /daughter relationship. And that made a huge difference to my mum too.
I absolutely did not mean to suggest that people who don't care for their parents didn't love them (see my following post), you made me think about it, that's all. Sorry if it sounded like that. I can't even begin to image what the reality is, not even slightly, but my instant reaction to your post that it would be through love. You made me ponder.
It wouldn't occur to me that the mother/daughter relationship would disappear but that's because I have no experience to base my feeling on. It would just be my gut feeling that if I were able to, then I would at least try. As I said in my very first post, I'd hopefully be in a position to have help rather than rely on a nursing home, I've already had that conversation with my parents. Morbid perhaps but the reality is that they're super fit and more active than me so we're all hoping they'll last forever and when they go, we hope they'll get mowed down by a truck when they're out on their bikes.
We rely on humour in our family but I don't want to watch one without the other. Fifty two years married and I hope they die in some tragic accident (not for quite some time I might add) so that they go doing something they love together. "
There are alternatives to nursing homes or care homes. My mother stayed in her house to the end with social services carers in her last year. She spent the last 5 days in hospital much of that unconscious thankfully. But the end of life care she got was superb and we were all with her at the end even if she was unaware. She died with dignity and that's all we could ask for. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Yes I would, I regularly go and clean my dad's house now. I travel nearly 2 hours to see him spend 30 mins with him and the test of the time cleaning the house... I've found new forms of life in the fridge.
Trying to get my dad more active since mum died last year "
That can be really difficult ...really struggled to get my dad doing things..planned to take him and my disabled brother on hols....had everything planned to the finest detail...and on the morning we were leaving he decided he did not want to go!! The only time I lost my temper with him,,,he went |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I enjoy taking car of my mother and share it with my sister and other family members.
At times I think we drive my mother mad with our fussing but been as she has Alzheimer's she doesn't realise she needs the care and help.
The way her face lights up for the slightest thing (me making a brew, a new blouse, nice cake etc) is enough reward for me
I definetly don't think it's my duty. It's something I want to do  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"I enjoy taking car of my mother and share it with my sister and other family members.
At times I think we drive my mother mad with our fussing but been as she has Alzheimer's she doesn't realise she needs the care and help.
The way her face lights up for the slightest thing (me making a brew, a new blouse, nice cake etc) is enough reward for me
I definetly don't think it's my duty. It's something I want to do "
That's lovely. I know how difficult it is to care for someone with altzheimers. A friend of mine is caring for her grandad who has it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
There are alternatives to nursing homes or care homes. My mother stayed in her house to the end with social services carers in her last year. She spent the last 5 days in hospital much of that unconscious thankfully. But the end of life care she got was superb and we were all with her at the end even if she was unaware. She died with dignity and that's all we could ask for. "
Yup... that's all any of us can hope for. The people in end of life care are amazing. Having just watched a friend lose his wife, it's an awful thing to go through both for the person and their family. I think we all just want the best for our loved ones and I dare say most of us would try our best. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face."
I dont blink an eyelid cleaning up after my mother,i suppose i can do it easier as I'm a nurse,and ive done it all before,but yes its different when its your own,I do it for her because i know if roles were reversed she would do it for me. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I enjoy taking car of my mother and share it with my sister and other family members.
At times I think we drive my mother mad with our fussing but been as she has Alzheimer's she doesn't realise she needs the care and help.
The way her face lights up for the slightest thing (me making a brew, a new blouse, nice cake etc) is enough reward for me
I definetly don't think it's my duty. It's something I want to do "
Wonderful x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face. I dont blink an eyelid cleaning up after my mother,i suppose i can do it easier as I'm a nurse,and ive done it all before,but yes its different when its your own,I do it for her because i know if roles were reversed she would do it for me."
My mother was a nurse and it didn't bother her so much but when she made a real mess she was embarrassed to have her youngest daughter (her baby) clean it up.
My dad found it undignified and hated it.
It's not all about one person and everyone will react differently. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
When DB9 said about the damage it can cause a mother / daughter relationship I've never thought about it that way until now.
I think I've buried a lot of feelings about the last few months of my mums life & the loss of that relationship is definitely a hard one to face up to.
Thank you for sharing DB9 Queen x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face. I dont blink an eyelid cleaning up after my mother,i suppose i can do it easier as I'm a nurse,and ive done it all before,but yes its different when its your own,I do it for her because i know if roles were reversed she would do it for me.
My mother was a nurse and it didn't bother her so much but when she made a real mess she was embarrassed to have her youngest daughter (her baby) clean it up.
My dad found it undignified and hated it.
It's not all about one person and everyone will react differently. "
Yes of course ,very true. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If your mother or father were sick,but needed care at home and not in hospital,would you care for them yourself,or would you put them in a home.I work but i am giving up now to care for my mum full time.Would you "
I've been doing this for Last few years. Not easy but worth it . |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If your mother or father were sick,but needed care at home and not in hospital,would you care for them yourself,or would you put them in a home.I work but i am giving up now to care for my mum full time.Would you
I've been doing this for Last few years. Not easy but worth it ."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Not a chance, even ignoring the fact that I no longer speak to them they are 2 of the most selfish, self absorbed and ungrateful people I've ever met and who ever ends up caring for them will be in for a thankless task.
For someone I love, undoubtedly yes |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The honest and heart-felt wishes of people who want to care for ageing/ailing parents are being asserted by people who may not understand the realities. The physical and psychological toll caring for those you love is sometimes unbearable.
I wouldn't ever criticise those who choose to find an alternative.
I spent 1 year caring for my father and a further 8 years caring for my mother. Lifting an adult out of bed isn't the same as lifting a child.
And how would you feel about cleaning up a doubly incontinent adult? And do you want that kind of relationship with your parents? Would they? How will you sustain their dignity and yours?
Some parents may not want their children 'changing' them like a baby.
Good intentions are commendable but easy. Reality has a tendency to slap you in the face. I dont blink an eyelid cleaning up after my mother,i suppose i can do it easier as I'm a nurse,and ive done it all before,but yes its different when its your own,I do it for her because i know if roles were reversed she would do it for me.
My mother was a nurse and it didn't bother her so much but when she made a real mess she was embarrassed to have her youngest daughter (her baby) clean it up.
My dad found it undignified and hated it.
It's not all about one person and everyone will react differently. "
You find that a lot with people when it's not their family looking after them
I do community nursing and have gone into people who have been sat in their own mess because they have refused their carers to clean them up
Some people get very embarrassed and would sooner sit in their own mess and struggle to do it alone when nobody else is about than have another person wipe their bum
And no matter how many times you tell them it's ok and you see it every day etc, its not ok to them and it may not bother you but it does them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
