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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wife went to the mirror on her bedroom door and said " mirror mirror on the door make my boob size 44" boosh her boobs pop out, and off she when to tell her husband....who went to the mirror and said " mirror mirror on the door make my cock reach the floor"....then his fucking legs fell off  |
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"Why do elephants have big ears?
Cause Noddy won't pay the ransom 
This made me laugh  I'm stealing it "
Your welcome my dear 
Got another one for you lot though
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesatus |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A bullock and a bull walking through a field and espy a field of heffers down the hill. The young bullock turns to the old bull and says
"Let's run down there and fuck one of those beauties"
The old bull shakes his head and says
"No"
The young bullock, confused says
"Why not?"
The old bull sighs and gives a knowing smile
"Let's walk down there and fuck them all" he replies. |
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Two elephants fall over.
Boom Boom!
Two sheep in a field. One says to the other one "baaaaa"
Second one replies "you bastard, I was going to say that!"
3rd sheep walks over and says "Moooo".
First 2 sheep look at each other confused. One says "what do you mean, Moooo?"
3rd sheep says "I'm learning a foreign language"
  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An irish man and a giraffe walk into a bar and stay all evening and get totally wasted, just as it was closing time they started walking out and the giraffe collapsed on the floor, the bartender shouted "don't leave that lying there" and the Irish man replied "it's not a lion it's a giraffe".. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ids come down for breakfast in the morning, their mum asks what they want.
The first kid says "give me some coco pops bitch".
mum clips him round the ear and asks the other kid what he's having.
"idk" says the kid "but it won't be fucking coco pops". |
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By *olgateMan
over a year ago
on the road to nowhere in particular |
Constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was £10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes & reluctantly agreed to accept the single pound coin.as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Aldi. There, he surprised her in the produce department &proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
.. .. . .. . .. . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....
(You're going to hate me for this...)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ ALDI" |
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