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Who can you rely on?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I was reminded earlier talking to my old friend Suki, of a blog I wrote about last year when my husband was ill. Our case was extreme, it might mean something to others though. Here is an extract from one day in our January 2015
Please, take a moment to consider this. That if anything wrong happened in your life, such as the experience that is happening to my poor husband, we would all like to think we could count on certain people to be there for us. You make automatic assumptions! So humour me for a moment and do it now! Mentally get your pen and paper and write the title “Who Could I Rely on?” Now draw yourself a table with four columns. The column titles are these: Definitely, Probably, Possibly and Never! Give it some thought and populate the table now with all your friends, family, work colleagues and associates. Are you happy with your choices?! Good, now throw your paper in the bin and take a new sheet and make your table again. Only this time don’t put any names down, because there’s no point.
If Peter and I had done this in 2015, we may as well have randomly have written the names in each column, as that was the overall result. People who we thought 100% would have been there were not, and far worse caused us major distress. Some people kept a distance despite promises to visit. Some people just kept their distance and others whom weren’t close enough to be burdened by our problems, came through in abundance and frequently lifted our spirits.
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I have two names that I can count on.
When I have experienced terrible times and people I didn't expect to help were there in ways I could never have imagined. Others left me feeling hurt and abandoned.
I have two names.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For those that don't know, I'm describing an experience 2 weeks into my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumour that was terminal.
The reaction of people was astonishing. A lot of people are really bad at handling shit reality. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My family and a few friends are extremely dependable. My partner too, but he's far away so wouldn't always be able to help in an emergency."
I meant a situation over a period of time, rather than something happening in a moment, that needed a quick response x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My family and a few friends are extremely dependable. My partner too, but he's far away so wouldn't always be able to help in an emergency.
I meant a situation over a period of time, rather than something happening in a moment, that needed a quick response x"
Ah right, well include him too, then. He's supported me a lot from when I was diagnosed  |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"For those that don't know, I'm describing an experience 2 weeks into my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumour that was terminal.
The reaction of people was astonishing. A lot of people are really bad at handling shit reality."
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. People can find it difficult to know what to do for the best.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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And just to say I'm posting to say this isn't uncommon. We signed off FAB and I joined a few other online support groups for people with similar problems and after he died, other widows.
Being shite and unsupportive to the people who need you is not uncommon at all... |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"For those that don't know, I'm describing an experience 2 weeks into my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumour that was terminal.
The reaction of people was astonishing. A lot of people are really bad at handling shit reality."
People don't know what to say, unfortunately.
I would only expect to rely on my family. They would grumble, but they always come through. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And just to say I'm posting to say this isn't uncommon. We signed off FAB and I joined a few other online support groups for people with similar problems and after he died, other widows.
Being shite and unsupportive to the people who need you is not uncommon at all..."
Perhaps they just didn't know what to say or do? I know I'd be scared to say the wrong thing. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"For those that don't know, I'm describing an experience 2 weeks into my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumour that was terminal.
The reaction of people was astonishing. A lot of people are really bad at handling shit reality.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. People can find it difficult to know what to do for the best.
"
Yes it takes all sorts. But for his own really close relatives to pretty much abandon him was a sight to behold, yet I learnt from others, not uncommon... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having been let down a lot throughout my life I no longer rely on anybody but am always there for people I consider to be friends.... I won't let others down |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have 3, maybe 4, people I can utterly depend on. Last year was the worst and some people I assumed would be there for me were nowhere to be seen (i guess you should never assume), but others were fantastic.
Despite feeling very hurt at the time I don't resent the people who weren't around to offer support. They possibly had their own struggles and didn't have the emotional energy to prop anyone else up. I know my issues last year made me a pretty crap friend. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"And just to say I'm posting to say this isn't uncommon. We signed off FAB and I joined a few other online support groups for people with similar problems and after he died, other widows.
Being shite and unsupportive to the people who need you is not uncommon at all...
Perhaps they just didn't know what to say or do? I know I'd be scared to say the wrong thing. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. "
That's a load of shite. Take it from anyone else, but not from you after your other post!! Sweetie, we treated and took the piss out of him just like before. And just like you did with my premiere post  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only people that ever stood by me were my Army mates, and they helped me when needed it most"
Once family, always family in the military and always there in a time of need  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know a very strong lady who i can count on to share my woes and she knows that whatever her turmoils are im never top far away to help her "
This post is all your fault! You said something that reminded me of a blog I wrote.....x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And just to say I'm posting to say this isn't uncommon. We signed off FAB and I joined a few other online support groups for people with similar problems and after he died, other widows.
Being shite and unsupportive to the people who need you is not uncommon at all...
Perhaps they just didn't know what to say or do? I know I'd be scared to say the wrong thing. I don't know what I'd do in that situation.
That's a load of shite. Take it from anyone else, but not from you after your other post!! Sweetie, we treated and took the piss out of him just like before. And just like you did with my premiere post "
Fair point.  I guess it would depend on the person then. I wouldn't say something like that to someone that I thought would take it the wrong way. Probably. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If I had a problem and nobody else could help, I'd call the A-Team.
yep. We did. The NHS were the A Team God bless them. "
They certainly are. I got whisked off in an ambulance twice last year after two bike crashes breaking both collar bones. |
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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago
Retirement Village |
"I know a very strong lady who i can count on to share my woes and she knows that whatever her turmoils are im never top far away to help her
This post is all your fault! You said something that reminded me of a blog I wrote.....x"
 xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For those that don't know, I'm describing an experience 2 weeks into my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumour that was terminal.
The reaction of people was astonishing. A lot of people are really bad at handling shit reality."
So sorry to hear about your husband. Kind of puts my issues into perspective.
I bet your experiences have made you stronger and in a position to give others the support you lacked. It really is the bad times you find out who truly cares. Members of my family turned their backs when I was going through a tough time, yet they wonder why I avoid them now and continue to comment on my life like they have a validated to do so.
I think I can rely on three people at most. My boy, who at 23 has more bollocks about him than anyone I've ever met and my two best friends who I know would walk through fire for me.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My sister (half) found this out when she was widowed in the space of 6 weeks.
Her mother went on a cruise instead of to her son in laws' funeral.
And you are right about the list of who you would expect to step up vs the list of those that chose to step up being surprising.
I hope you have found some peace now OP xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One person I can rely on is my best friend Lauren. If I was to put my mother on a list she would probably be umm I dunno, underneath the woman who served me a pack of fags earlier in the shop. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But...
Yes, there are at least 6 people I could unreservedly call upon in a crisis.
I can call them in a "crisis", but getting them to answer their phones takes it to a whole different level  "
Lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"But...
Yes, there are at least 6 people I could unreservedly call upon in a crisis.
I can call them in a "crisis", but getting them to answer their phones takes it to a whole different level
Lol "
Not entirely sure that was meant to be funny  |
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"But...
Yes, there are at least 6 people I could unreservedly call upon in a crisis.
I can call them in a "crisis", but getting them to answer their phones takes it to a whole different level "
Not the way I work |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes i've also seen this and the mind boggles how people respond in other's time of need - and i don't buy the 'people don't know what to do/say' reasoning - saying and doing nothing (AKA burying their head in the sand sometimes) is disappointing to put it very midly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes i've also seen this and the mind boggles how people respond in other's time of need - and i don't buy the 'people don't know what to do/say' reasoning - saying and doing nothing (AKA burying their head in the sand sometimes) is disappointing to put it very midly."
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and you cry alone.
Maybe some truth in that old saying judging by this thread? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes i've also seen this and the mind boggles how people respond in other's time of need - and i don't buy the 'people don't know what to do/say' reasoning - saying and doing nothing (AKA burying their head in the sand sometimes) is disappointing to put it very midly.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and you cry alone.
Maybe some truth in that old saying judging by this thread?"
By husband was dying and we still laughed as much as we could. Sadly some people are arses no matter what. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes i've also seen this and the mind boggles how people respond in other's time of need - and i don't buy the 'people don't know what to do/say' reasoning - saying and doing nothing (AKA burying their head in the sand sometimes) is disappointing to put it very midly."
Everyone has their own struggles in life, may prevent them from giving help. |
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My mother and father. I also have a few people that I've discovered through Fab and they've been very good for me to lean on when I've needed support.
I think only when you go through hard times (and I mean REALLY hard times here) do you really find out who your real friends are. When my sister died I discovered in no uncertain terms that I had no one I could rely on other than my parents. In the immediate aftermath no one visited me. No one spoke to me. Not ONE single person. That has carried on to this day. No one from my past has ever come round to see how I'm doing. I think it scares some people, they don't know what to say. They stay away. You feel like a leper. Which is all very good but I was well and truly on my arse at this point, absolutely destroyed, totally alone. Some human beings are just piss poor.
Thankfully I had just about enough strength and fortitude within me to pull myself together. It took me a good ten years or more to get on top of things though. All achieved without the help of anyone, other than my parents. The result now being I have massive trust issues. I have great trouble relying on others even now. I now don't like to rely on anyone for anything. Had I had some people around me at the time I wouldn't have had half the problems I've had.
Never underestimate the power, that the simple gesture of offering your hand can bring to someone in need. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My mother and father. I also have a few people that I've discovered through Fab and they've been very good for me to lean on when I've needed support.
I think only when you go through hard times (and I mean REALLY hard times here) do you really find out who your real friends are. When my sister died I discovered in no uncertain terms that I had no one I could rely on other than my parents. In the immediate aftermath no one visited me. No one spoke to me. Not ONE single person. That has carried on to this day. No one from my past has ever come round to see how I'm doing. I think it scares some people, they don't know what to say. They stay away. You feel like a leper. Which is all very good but I was well and truly on my arse at this point, absolutely destroyed, totally alone. Some human beings are just piss poor.
Thankfully I had just about enough strength and fortitude within me to pull myself together. It took me a good ten years or more to get on top of things though. All achieved without the help of anyone, other than my parents. The result now being I have massive trust issues. I have great trouble relying on others even now. I now don't like to rely on anyone for anything. Had I had some people around me at the time I wouldn't have had half the problems I've had.
Never underestimate the power, that the simple gesture of offering your hand can bring to someone in need."
Xxxxxx |
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I have 2 definites who would be at my door, a fab friend who would be at the end of the phone if she couldn't get to my door & another friend who would do her best as her circumstances allowed. I also have my parents, step-parents & ex-in-laws on hand.
I count myself very lucky.
The ones I thought would be there for me when I really needed them weren't so I cut them loose. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My family and three good friends 1 which i hadnt seen in months who dropped everything to stay with me when my Dad and partner passed away within six months of each other |
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